next?

[FeelingLonely98]

go back?

 

Okay I will live in the moment and not the future...

 

I think this post was for JD and not you Ladybug... I could be wrong?

[FeelingLonely98]

Thankyou Lovely for your kind words....I am so looking forward to better days. I guess I had everything I wanted in life and was always happy. Now after this I will always appreciate what I have much more as I know it can all be gone so quickly....

 

Sounds like my situation JD. I thought I had everything and was happy, even though looking back, it was not so great for me, and the STBXW was getting a lot more out of the R than I was, ALL things considered. Oh, how I long for those "better days" you mention. I know they are coming...

 

... My husband avoids me like the plague.

 

Me too. I think except for some business at hand - D papers, court appearance, my STBXW would never speak to me or see me ever again. She just flipped the switch to "OFF"! practically overnight. I realize that some feelings of unhappiness had been brewing for a few weeks or months p but not for very long. It is just a few weeks before the ILYBINILWY speech, all seemed great, no different the previous 16 years!! However, this way of acting on her part is a blessing in a way - if we are never to reconcile - because it has moved me along faster than I would have otherwise.

 

JD - How did the revisit to the restaurant go?

 

HANG in there mate!!

 

PEACE!

[hopesndreams]

Sounds as though he is playing on your sympathies. He wants you on his side, not to dislike him for what he is doing, to understand his pain, coz he is hurting so much. Get it? It may very well be he has a mental illness. Sure, why not? That can excuse sooooo much, right?

[Son of Homer]

Jane,

 

He is coming around the only way he knows how but this is progress. He is blaiming someone else or something else so he doesn't have to own up to the fact that he just ****ed up pure and simplel. Easy to blame it on an illness.

 

Point is it doesn't matter what path he takes back to you as long as he takes it.

 

Your approach should be the same. Tell him you don't want the marriage any more either but that you are his friend and he is the father of your daughter and you will do what you can for him. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. KEEP IT PLATONIC. This is very important. Don't give him any of the milk from the cow. Make him buy the cow.

 

You are supportive. You are gracious. You still care for him and wish him well and are glad that he is having insights even though they are painful. Be friendly but detached. Don't be cold but warm, like a mother to a sick child. Don't be romantic in any way to him. Don't give him any messages that if he wants to he can come back.

 

He must make a turn around inside his self and approach you like a man who wants a woman and not like a refugee who want in out of the painful world.

 

Give him food and water and shelter, but not your bed or your charms.

 

But show that you have those feelings for others, but not for him.

 

I know that it is painful but you must break his spirit before he will be ready for you.

 

You must destroy any hope he has of being happy witout you or getting you cheaply or having his cake and eating it too.

 

He has to choose you or his other life. It can't be any other way. But you can't let on to what you are up to. If he suspects what you really want he will not fall into your trap.

 

Hold your course. Make sure you keep going out, even if it is a masquerade for his sake only.

 

You must act like you don't want him back and you have moved on without being cold and seeming like he has no chance at all.

 

It's a fine line. It's an art form and you must be an artist and this is your greatest work.

[FeelingLonely98]

Jane,

 

He is coming around the only way he knows how but this is progress. He is blaiming someone else or something else so he doesn't have to own up to the fact that he just ****ed up pure and simplel. Easy to blame it on an illness.

 

Point is it doesn't matter what path he takes back to you as long as he takes it.

 

Your approach should be the same. Tell him you don't want the marriage any more either but that you are his friend and he is the father of your daughter and you will do what you can for him. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. KEEP IT PLATONIC. This is very important. Don't give him any of the milk from the cow. Make him buy the cow.

 

You are supportive. You are gracious. You still care for him and wish him well and are glad that he is having insights even though they are painful. Be friendly but detached. Don't be cold but warm, like a mother to a sick child. Don't be romantic in any way to him. Don't give him any messages that if he wants to he can come back.

 

He must make a turn around inside his self and approach you like a man who wants a woman and not like a refugee who want in out of the painful world.

 

Give him food and water and shelter, but not your bed or your charms.

 

But show that you have those feelings for others, but not for him.

 

I know that it is painful but you must break his spirit before he will be ready for you.

 

You must destroy any hope he has of being happy witout you or getting you cheaply or having his cake and eating it too.

 

He has to choose you or his other life. It can't be any other way. But you can't let on to what you are up to. If he suspects what you really want he will not fall into your trap.

 

Hold your course. Make sure you keep going out, even if it is a masquerade for his sake only.

 

You must act like you don't want him back and you have moved on without being cold and seeming like he has no chance at all.

 

It's a fine line. It's an art form and you must be an artist and this is your greatest work.

 

Well said SoH -

 

JD - YES, you must hold your course. Let the world know you are OKAY - even if inside you are not. As I've told you I am powering myself forward because it is the only way I feel somewhat better. At times, I still want to just swim in my ocean of pity, but I did not even feel alive when I acted like that. Every day it is a little easier to not wan to take that swim anymore.

 

Stay strong JD, I know you can do it!!!!!

[JaneDoe35]

Jane,

 

He is coming around the only way he knows how but this is progress. He is blaiming someone else or something else so he doesn't have to own up to the fact that he just ****ed up pure and simplel. Easy to blame it on an illness.

 

Point is it doesn't matter what path he takes back to you as long as he takes it.

 

Your approach should be the same. Tell him you don't want the marriage any more either but that you are his friend and he is the father of your daughter and you will do what you can for him. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. KEEP IT PLATONIC. This is very important. Don't give him any of the milk from the cow. Make him buy the cow.

 

You are supportive. You are gracious. You still care for him and wish him well and are glad that he is having insights even though they are painful. Be friendly but detached. Don't be cold but warm, like a mother to a sick child. Don't be romantic in any way to him. Don't give him any messages that if he wants to he can come back.

 

He must make a turn around inside his self and approach you like a man who wants a woman and not like a refugee who want in out of the painful world.

 

Give him food and water and shelter, but not your bed or your charms.

 

But show that you have those feelings for others, but not for him.

 

I know that it is painful but you must break his spirit before he will be ready for you.

 

You must destroy any hope he has of being happy witout you or getting you cheaply or having his cake and eating it too.

 

He has to choose you or his other life. It can't be any other way. But you can't let on to what you are up to. If he suspects what you really want he will not fall into your trap.

 

Hold your course. Make sure you keep going out, even if it is a masquerade for his sake only.

 

You must act like you don't want him back and you have moved on without being cold and seeming like he has no chance at all.

 

It's a fine line. It's an art form and you must be an artist and this is your greatest work.

 

 

Oh dear, I have just told him that I agree with the marriage not being able to be salvaged and that I wish him all the best in the future. It sounded so strange coming out of my mouth. But I said it in a warm & cheery manner. I told him that he does not have to feel guilty about dating anymore and that I am looking forward to my own future happiness too.

 

He asked where all this came from. I just said 'I had a revelation I guess'. Did not know what else to say!!! He seemed sort of relieved to hear it...I think. I am so over this.......analysing every word he says.

 

I am so scared now, but I don't know why cause I am no worse off than I was before. I just feel so alone & I miss him so much and now I am crying. Why can he not come home & say 'I am sorry'?. What I would not give for that...Why is this happening? I am so confused and I feel that this must be someone else's life. I feel so weak and pathetic. I cant seem to reduce the pain.

[FeelingLonely98]

Oh dear, I have just told him that I agree with the marriage not being able to be salvaged and that I wish him all the best in the future. It sounded so strange coming out of my mouth. But I said it in a warm & cheery manner. I told him that he does not have to feel guilty about dating anymore and that I am looking forward to my own future happiness too.

 

He asked where all this came from. I just said 'I had a revelation I guess'. Did not know what else to say!!! He seemed sort of relieved to hear it...I think. I am so over this.......analysing every word he says.

 

I am so scared now, but I don't know why cause I am no worse off than I was before. I just feel so alone & I miss him so much and now I am crying. Why can he not come home & say 'I am sorry'?. What I would not give for that...Why is this happening? I am so confused and I feel that this must be someone else's life. I feel so weak and pathetic. I cant seem to reduce the pain.

 

Hi JD - This is actually awesome. It may feel like torture inside (even if you don't show it to him) but this is a great step forward - FOR YOU.

 

"Why can't he come home?" I think the same every day JD. BUT, I know that I must "move on" if I am to survive. And I also know that whether or not she will come home has NOTHING to do with me and ALL to do with her. If I am in a better place - and not planning or thinking of her return home (even if inside I still wish for that) - well, I know that is the scenario that is more likely to bring her home anyway. And the added benefit is that it is helping ME!!!

 

Keep us posted JD. Today will be better than yesterday. Yesterday was probably your low p[oint. there will be more cries and tears, but you are climbing out of that hole girl. Be strong!!!

[JaneDoe35]

Thankyou FL, I know you are on the way out to conduct some unsavoury business so I appreciate you taking the time to post to me. It is 10:45 pm and I need to sleep before work!!! But I cant seem to get sleepy. Have stopped crying now.....

[Aksion]

I really don't know what to say JD. Its like we are the same, just maybe you're lucky enough to have your child to keep you from completely losing yourself. I haven't cried in a long while now, yet I haven't had the displeasure as you have of having to see my wife -- or hear her say anything to me in over a month.

 

I want you to be 'ok' -- and really believe that focusing almost everything you have on your child will help you do this. I don't have any advice, if anything you've been trying to give me advice. I am beyond repair right now in my life, but I am here -- even if its just for conversation w/ someone. I'm awake all night, so its not like the timezone difference matters, lol.

[FeelingLonely98]

Thankyou FL, I know you are on the way out to conduct some unsavoury business so I appreciate you taking the time to post to me. It is 10:45 pm and I need to sleep before work!!! But I cant seem to get sleepy. Have stopped crying now.....

 

Don't know how I did it but I slept 7 hours last night. I had been alternating 3 hours one night then 5 the next for the last ten days or so.

I've only slept more than 6 hours one night since this started.

(Maybe the Melatonin that Gunny suggested had a part in it last night?)

(I am taking 6 mgs - two 3mg pills - each night before bed)

[FeelingLonely98]

I really don't know what to say JD. Its like we are the same, just maybe you're lucky enough to have your child to keep you from completely losing yourself. I haven't cried in a long while now, yet I haven't had the displeasure as you have of having to see my wife -- or hear her say anything to me in over a month.

 

I want you to be 'ok' -- and really believe that focusing almost everything you have on your child will help you do this. I don't have any advice, if anything you've been trying to give me advice. I am beyond repair right now in my life, but I am here -- even if its just for conversation w/ someone. I'm awake all night, so its not like the timezone difference matters, lol.

 

Aksion - I'm worried about you. I believe all of us here on LS are. IDK what to say to help you.

I think you need to confide in family, friends, church, an IC, a medical doctor. You need to maintian your employment if nothing else, so some way you need to get out of this ditch that youare in now. I was there - and it took everything I had and then more to rise above it to get my feet firmly on the ground so I could "function" enough. (work, Fathering duties, taking care of the house, interaction with family, ...)

I was (am) still in terrible pain, but something helped me to carry on. I hope you find that soon my friend.

 

PEACE!

[Aksion]

Sadly, I'm worried about myself as well.

 

There isn't really anything that anyone can say to help, I basically come here for the same reason most do anymore, and that is to vent -- regardless if people are listening. I've really slipped lately, and I know it. A day hasn't gone by in the past few weeks where I don't find myself at a bar by myself late at night. I still make it to work, and I still work-out, it's just I don't know what to do with my time after that. That time that used to be spent with her, now it's just a empty home to step into and I try my best to wait as long as possible before I get here.

[cyabye]

JD,

 

Be careful with the Melatonin. I take this too. I take no more than 3 mg and I am a big guy. It can have the opposite effect if you take too much. You probably shouldn't take more than 3 mg to get to sleep. Just a thought. It sound as if you are moving in the right direction. Stay strong.

Hope this helps.

 

cyabye

[FeelingLonely98]

Sadly, I'm worried about myself as well.

 

There isn't really anything that anyone can say to help, I basically come here for the same reason most do anymore, and that is to vent -- regardless if people are listening. I've really slipped lately, and I know it. A day hasn't gone by in the past few weeks where I don't find myself at a bar by myself late at night. I still make it to work, and I still work-out, it's just I don't know what to do with my time after that. That time that used to be spent with her, now it's just a empty home to step into and I try my best to wait as long as possible before I get here.

 

Well, you should know that LS folks ARE listening. this thread has had almost 5000 views. I read your posts, even if I don't always reply. Keep coming here. Why don't you spend more time here instead? I have spent hours here at a time. Reading. posting. writing. responding. ETC.

 

Are you spiritual? Maybe try some quiet time in church or speak to someone in the church. Or just wander in to a soup kitchen and tell them to put you to work. Can you get in to reading? Sometimes reading something good (fiction or non-fiction) can get you hooked for many hours.

 

In the first 3-4 weeks after my STBXW shattered my world I wanted to stay away from home as much as possible. I slept at my 3 sisters houses or my moms for 7 or 8 nights during that time. And every Saturday for sure. That used to be the big fun night for me and the STBXW. Just being around others helps.

 

Just wanted to share some thoughts as they popped into my head. I don't always have the best words like others here do - but maybe they help a little?

 

TAKE CARE Aks. Let us know soon that you are doing better!

[FeelingLonely98]

 

JD,

 

Be careful with the Melatonin. I take this too. I take no more than 3 mg and I am a big guy. It can have the opposite effect if you take too much. You probably shouldn't take more than 3 mg to get to sleep. Just a thought. It sound as if you are moving in the right direction. Stay strong.

Hope this helps.

 

cyabye

 

Not sure what to believe. Gunny said to take 8 mg. It wasn't until I started taking 2 or 3 of the 3 mg pills that I started sleeping better. One 3 mg pill never seemed to do anything.

 

I'll research. it more.

[Son of Homer]

This too will pass. Hold your course, keep your eyes on your live and where you are going not him and wondering what he is feeling. Drive your car not his. Keep your car on the road and see where this wonderful life takes you next. Be excited! Who were you before you met him? Where is that person? Who were you when you were 18? Where is that person? Who were you when you were five? Where is that person?

Your happiness is in you, not in him or through him. You are the center of your universe, not him. You are doing fine, just keep it up! There are tears in life. Be happy in your sadness and celebrate your life of joy and pain. They are both reasons why you came here, so enjoy the sensation of both. Savor and relish your emotions, good and bad.

[JaneDoe35]

Told her on Sunday as he was never going to do it.

 

She screamed and screamed and then cried & cried.

 

It was truly the worst moment of my life.

 

And of her short life too......

 

I tried to prevent her from ever having to know.

 

But we will be ok.

 

We have each other and the most wonderful family & friends.

 

And of course all you great people on LoveShack who have been so helpful to me.

[Son of Homer]

Told her on Sunday as he was never going to do it.

 

She screamed and screamed and then cried & cried.

 

It was truly the worst moment of my life.

 

And of her short life too......

 

I tried to prevent her from ever having to know.

 

But we will be ok.

 

We have each other and the most wonderful family & friends.

 

And of course all you great people on LoveShack who have been so helpful to me.

 

Guess you'll never know if it would have made any difference if you had told her everything as it happened. Not right to use kids for leverage anyway. But I wonder what effect it would have had on him for his daughter to know everything right away?

[JaneDoe35]

Guess you'll never know if it would have made any difference if you had told her everything as it happened. Not right to use kids for leverage anyway. But I wonder what effect it would have had on him for his daughter to know everything right away?

 

Good question, I am not sure if it would have made any difference if I had told her right from the beginning. In hindsight I probably should have....just really did not want her to get hurt if it was not required.

 

I think it is possible that he will return one day. At the moment I am finding it impossible to talk to or see him. As he tells me how he loves me and wants to be my best friend forever and wants to be intimate with me forever. He asks me to let him be there for me etc etc.

 

I am not strong enough to handle that sort of crazy talk. It confuses me. I am going to get strong again and then go in for round 2.

 

I still read your Dad's book often and I hope that one day we may end up being a success story. But if not I know I will be ok (somehow).

[Son of Homer]

Keep the faith. Sometimes it takes a while but the principles are sound and they do work. Just do not waiver or give in. It is essential that you make him jealous but appearing that you don't need him and have moved on. Tell him thanks for the offer but you have no need for his support or physical attention any longer. Your needs are adequately met but thanks for the thought. It's not so much what you say as how you say it. You have to come across as if you have a fantastic lover and the best thing that ever happened was that your husband left so you could find something even better. He was holding you back.

[GoodDad]

Told her on Sunday as he was never going to do it.

 

She screamed and screamed and then cried & cried.

 

It was truly the worst moment of my life.

 

And of her short life too......

 

I tried to prevent her from ever having to know.

 

But we will be ok.

 

We have each other and the most wonderful family & friends.

 

And of course all you great people on LoveShack who have been so helpful to me.

 

 

God, reading this made me cry. That is what I dread, my biggest fear is having to tell the kids if it doesn't work out with my wife. My little 3 1/2 year old girl is the happiest child on the planet secure in her life and the stability. Her son is happy and stable and its so chaotic in his Dad's crazy world, our home is a sanctuary for him...he isn't going to get this at all if it comes to that..WHAT THE F is wrong with my wife that she thinks the kids will be ok if we split and bounce back. She said, don't bring up the kid card, kids are resilent. :( The thought of my little girl crying and missing mommy and daddy if we are apart breaks my heart to pieces when I contemplate it. Why am I the only one who thinks about this and worries about it. Who am I married too... Everything going on in our relationship is about what she feels and wants or us, its never about the kids at all and I KNOW, you cant stay together just for the kids, but man, how could they not even be a blip on the radar...man that hurts...

 

Sorry, your post touched a raw nerve in me...

 

I am so Sorry Jane your daughter went through that pain. Huge hugs to you from a newbie and it will get better and hang in there.

 

Good luck,

 

GD

[JaneDoe35]

God, reading this made me cry. That is what I dread, my biggest fear is having to tell the kids if it doesn't work out with my wife. My little 3 1/2 year old girl is the happiest child on the planet secure in her life and the stability. Her son is happy and stable and its so chaotic in his Dad's crazy world, our home is a sanctuary for him...he isn't going to get this at all if it comes to that..WHAT THE F is wrong with my wife that she thinks the kids will be ok if we split and bounce back. She said, don't bring up the kid card, kids are resilent. :( The thought of my little girl crying and missing mommy and daddy if we are apart breaks my heart to pieces when I contemplate it. Why am I the only one who thinks about this and worries about it. Who am I married too... Everything going on in our relationship is about what she feels and wants or us, its never about the kids at all and I KNOW, you cant stay together just for the kids, but man, how could they not even be a blip on the radar...man that hurts...

 

Sorry, your post touched a raw nerve in me...

 

I am so Sorry Jane your daughter went through that pain. Huge hugs to you from a newbie and it will get better and hang in there.

 

Good luck,

 

GD

 

Hi GD, thanks for your post, I really appreciate it. Welcome to LS, sorry you had to be here...I have read your story and I know how you feel.

 

Telling my daughter was beyond awful but I could not keep lying by omission. She is 9 and told me a couple of days later that she 'had a plan that might bring Daddy back' She said she had been thinking about it. It killed me to tell her that I had been trying for 3 months to do just that.

 

I think my husband may be about to move in with the OW who just left her husband. I am so sad, angry & confused. But I cannot do anything about this. I am scared of what my reaction will be if/when I have confirmation of this.

 

Take care, I will keep reading your thread.

JD

[GoodDad]

Thanks JD. Your poor little girl, having a plan like that. No offense, but I read your thread and your hubbie is a piece of work. As mine is. I know you hope to get him to wake up to his senses as I do mine.

 

Here's hoping a miracle occurs and they actually slip and fall onto a clue and realize what they are losing in us...

 

As I'm sure you do too, I don't want my old pouse or old marriage, I want a new marriage built on stronger foundations this time. Being the people we are both capable of being if we just applied ourselves a bit instead of cutting and running as soon as things get hard or require work...

 

GD

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks JD. Your poor little girl, having a plan like that. No offense, but I read your thread and your hubbie is a piece of work. As mine is. I know you hope to get him to wake up to his senses as I do mine.

 

Here's hoping a miracle occurs and they actually slip and fall onto a clue and realize what they are losing in us...

 

As I'm sure you do too, I don't want my old pouse or old marriage, I want a new marriage built on stronger foundations this time. Being the people we are both capable of being if we just applied ourselves a bit instead of cutting and running as soon as things get hard or require work...

 

GD

 

Hi GD, I know my husband is a piece of work....it is strange when I read back over my thread or think about the last 3 months as I don't recognise him at all. Who is this man?

 

I agree, I don't want my old marriage back as that was apparently not working for at least one of us!!!

 

I am so sad that we have not been given a chance.....maybe one day it will come. I hope for a change but I am not sure that will come anytime soon. We do need a miracle!!!!

[JaneDoe35]

I am very sad & lonely tonight. Just cannot believe that he is not here with us. It is an ache and I just want to cry. But I wont as my daughter is with me and I don't want her to see me that way too often.

 

I am imagining crazy things - that I will hear his car pull up in the driveway and that he will just say 'Sorry' and that he will actually mean it. When I feel this way I would forgive him in an instant as I need to dull this pain.

 

Miss him so much, the way he was before the 16th August. Will probably never see him like that again. Wonder if he will ever return. Not just home, but in spirit...

 

I know we are all feeling similar, can hardly wait for the day that I no longer care.