next?

[Son of Homer]

tell yourself "stop it" "stop it" "stop it" every time you get into the dumps. do not indulge these feelings. The thoughts make you sad. stop the thoughts and you won't be sad. Take control of your thoughts. Think of something else.

[hopesndreams]

It takes time. There are so many things to work out in your mind. You are dealing with a loss, you are grieving, you are still hanging on to that bit of hope (perfectly normal). Cry it out, it's very healing to cry. I've noticed how you're helping people on this forum and that will help you come to terms with everything that has happened. You are thoughtful, intelligent and strong and you know not to blame yourself for any of it, right?

 

One day, you will no longer care about him and I would never have believed such a thing if it hadn't happened to me. Life, for you, will get better and better without the lying cheat that was once your loving H.

[JaneDoe35]

I finally spoke to her husband.

 

My husband and the other woman had convinced me that he was fine about her leaving him and that they had both agreed that they had made a mistake getting married. They have only been married 12-18 months I think.

 

Not so....I only had a brief chat to him but it was enough for me to see that he still loves his wife and does not want his marriage to be over. It was quite a shock for me to listen to him. Not sure why I thought I could trust my husband on this.

 

He knows of my husband but knew nothing of what I told him. It sounds like he had his suspicions though. He sounded angry, hurt & confused. He was quick to get off the phone and told me he would call me if he needed to. I did not say anything nasty about his wife. Only the facts as I know them.

 

So later my father gets an email from my husband warning me off - saying that the husband does not want me to contact him etc etc. It was filled with inacuracies about what had transpired between myself and the other woman's husband. I was a little disturbed by it initially but now I realise that my husband is becoming desperate. My father responded by saying something along the lines of 'that is between my daughter & the other woman's husband. My daughter is free to contact who she likes in her search for the truth'.

 

So after my father sent that email to my husband this morning (he let him sweat all night), I get a text message from my husband saying that he can give me more money this fortnight for bills. I was very shocked as he has been awful about money and I have had to rely on my parents to keep my mortgage payments up to date. I expected that he would not have wanted to give me anything this week due to the fact that I had made contact with her husband. Perhaps as threats did not work, he thought cash may keep me quiet. My husband knows that I have all the physical evidence and I think he is very concerned.

 

I have not had any contact with my husband for over a week now. Well none that has been initiated by myself. I have needed this as I am beginning to feel a little stronger.

 

I need the whole truth & I will not rest until I know enough to move on. It has been difficult uncovering lie after lie....but I am starting to think that maybe I do not want my husband back...or at least that I don't need him.

 

I don't love the person that my husband now is. I do still love the memory.

[trippi1432]

I need the whole truth & I will not rest until I know enough to move on. It has been difficult uncovering lie after lie....but I am starting to think that maybe I do not want my husband back...or at least that I don't need him.

 

I don't love the person that my husband now is. I do still love the memory.

 

Hi Jane, my heart goes out to you as I know exactly how you feel. I will probably never know the whole truth about my circumstance with STBX and OW, but it's like you want to get that to get the closure.

 

Strength is what you need right now for you, keep searching for those answers, but don't let them consume you. Hugs.

[JaneDoe35]

Hi Jane, my heart goes out to you as I know exactly how you feel. I will probably never know the whole truth about my circumstance with STBX and OW, but it's like you want to get that to get the closure.

 

Strength is what you need right now for you, keep searching for those answers, but don't let them consume you. Hugs.

 

You are exactly right Trippi - I must not let the search for answers consume me, it is a fine line. I feel as if I have been walking on a tightrope for months now....but recently I am feeling I can run that tightrope with my eyes closed. The hurtful things I am still discovering seem to be making me stronger. I am not sure why.....maybe it will make it easier for me to walk away?

[trippi1432]

You are exactly right Trippi - I must not let the search for answers consume me, it is a fine line. I feel as if I have been walking on a tightrope for months now....but recently I am feeling I can run that tightrope with my eyes closed. The hurtful things I am still discovering seem to be making me stronger. I am not sure why.....maybe it will make it easier for me to walk away?

 

That's an answer you have to look for within yourself Jane....after a while, the things you discover just don't seem so hurtful anymore. I think it comes down to when you make the conscience decision to move on from the situation because you realize your self-worth and know you deserve better.

[nobmagnet]

jd

 

I have just spent the last 2 houurs reading your story. It is amazing and upsetting to read as it is identical to mine. The advice that son of homer gives it just incredable. I feel I have learnt so much from all your freinds on this thread. What a Lady you are.

 

I send what bit of affection and respect I have left to you and hope your pain subsides very soon. I found out my ex was on holiday with his new woman last week by his mother. it hit me like a lorry. She told me he deserves some happyness after 10 years with me. I thought it was over with the other woman.

 

But the upside is that I can draw a line benith it because I know there is no chance of him coming back to us. So I am consentrating on selling the home my children love, getting up in the morning and planning a very different life. My children are still confused and raw about this situation and are asking very difficult questions that I can answer honestly because it would make him look bad. As much as he has treated all so very badly and let us down It is not my place to tell them what a selfish worm he is.

 

I am gaining stength from knowing I will be ok in thelong run and his life will never be a grounded as mine.........I have my amazing kids and he doesnt!

 

big hugs x

[JaneDoe35]

jd

 

I have just spent the last 2 houurs reading your story. It is amazing and upsetting to read as it is identical to mine. The advice that son of homer gives it just incredable. I feel I have learnt so much from all your freinds on this thread. What a Lady you are.

 

I send what bit of affection and respect I have left to you and hope your pain subsides very soon. I found out my ex was on holiday with his new woman last week by his mother. it hit me like a lorry. She told me he deserves some happyness after 10 years with me. I thought it was over with the other woman.

 

But the upside is that I can draw a line benith it because I know there is no chance of him coming back to us. So I am consentrating on selling the home my children love, getting up in the morning and planning a very different life. My children are still confused and raw about this situation and are asking very difficult questions that I can answer honestly because it would make him look bad. As much as he has treated all so very badly and let us down It is not my place to tell them what a selfish worm he is.

 

I am gaining stength from knowing I will be ok in thelong run and his life will never be a grounded as mine.........I have my amazing kids and he doesnt!

 

big hugs x

 

Your post was so sweet & caring. A huge thankyou!!! I admire you for reading all that...I too am amazed by the wonderful advice & support I have received here. I know what you mean when you say that it is upsetting to read a story that feels so familiar because you know all the turmoil & pain so well.

 

I have finally learnt not to believe anything my husband says. It took me three months to get to that point. I feel it was very cruel of his mother to say such a thing to you about her son deserving some happiness. Not acceptable.

 

I am going to have a read of your thread now....hey, we will be ok - not possible to feel like this forever!!!

 

Thanks again

JDxx

[JaneDoe35]

That's an answer you have to look for within yourself Jane....after a while, the things you discover just don't seem so hurtful anymore. I think it comes down to when you make the conscience decision to move on from the situation because you realize your self-worth and know you deserve better.

 

Self worth - I had lost that in the last 3 months, you know - What could I have done differently? Why would he leave me if I am a good person? Am I unlovable?

 

I think you are right - possibly my confidence in what I deserve and the kind of person I am is coming back and I didn't even realise it!!!

[floridapad]

Wow JD I am so proud of you on the exposure. Must have given you a bit of control back and self esteem. It felt great. It did for me. It is interesting the lies our spouses tell us in order for us not to expose. I got the same stuff and I was surprised at the contradictions and lies when I actually spoke to the OM's W. She was not the psycho person he portrayed her to be....I guess I should not have been surprised though because EVERYONE on LS was telling me the OM and my wife were full of it. I guess you can see that for yourself now. Now that there is exposure the affair is doomed in the short or long run in my opinion. Don't be afraid to expose it to whoever you want. Affairs live in darkness and when they see light of day and all the lies come out they have a way of crushing the fantasy world they live in. Don not beleive a word of what your husband says. NOTHING.

 

This can be the beginning of YOUR healing if you allow it to be. Your husband has his own journey to go through and you have yours. Seperate as two independent people. Should you meet up again down the road then wonderful but you have to start YOUR journey now. Everything going forward is for you not reconciliation. Be a little selfish....

[nobmagnet]

yep selfish is good. not at all what we are about but good all the same x

[JaneDoe35]

Wow JD I am so proud of you on the exposure. Must have given you a bit of control back and self esteem. It felt great. It did for me. It is interesting the lies our spouses tell us in order for us not to expose. I got the same stuff and I was surprised at the contradictions and lies when I actually spoke to the OM's W. She was not the psycho person he portrayed her to be....I guess I should not have been surprised though because EVERYONE on LS was telling me the OM and my wife were full of it. I guess you can see that for yourself now. Now that there is exposure the affair is doomed in the short or long run in my opinion. Don't be afraid to expose it to whoever you want. Affairs live in darkness and when they see light of day and all the lies come out they have a way of crushing the fantasy world they live in. Don not beleive a word of what your husband says. NOTHING.

 

This can be the beginning of YOUR healing if you allow it to be. Your husband has his own journey to go through and you have yours. Seperate as two independent people. Should you meet up again down the road then wonderful but you have to start YOUR journey now. Everything going forward is for you not reconciliation. Be a little selfish....

 

Thankyou floridapad - I do feel more in control after speaking to her husband. You are right - it felt good to hear the real truth from him. I do wonder though - When do the lies stop? I thought that after being confronted by the other woman's husband, my husband would have no option but to come clean. But no - more lies to cover up the previous one's!!!

 

My husband told me that the other woman's husband most likely did not love her anymore...well I certainly did not get that impression from him. I am not sure if my husband has somehow convinced him that I am a crazy woman but I hope that his curiosity gets the better of him as there is so much I did not get to tell him. He has my number.

 

I have no idea why I have believed anything my husband has said in the last 3 months - I just wanted to believe I guess. Have had no contact with him for about 10 days. It is strange but I feel more emotionally intact. I have been much more open about the affair now. I had a couple of members of his family contact me to see if I was ok. He had not told them the truth so I did. I will not lie by omission for him any longer.

 

I am ready to start my journey now. Feels odd to start a journey without him by my side though.....

[floridapad]

Hello JD

 

To answer your question about the lies. They will not stop while he is still in the affair. My wife didn't open up to me until the affair was dead, but rest assured, should she have contact with the OM again in any form she will lie about it. Thats what affairs do. They have to hide it because they KNOW it's wrong and are being self indulgent at the risk of others. Your husband is not the man you once knew and may not get there for years, which is why it is so important to plan your life without him. Very tough to do but once you start doing things for yourself(Stuff YOU always wanted to do that perhaps he didn't or wouldn't. For me it was Salsa lessons), then it will start to fall in place. I'm glad you are not afraid to expose to his family should they ask.

 

Did you tell the OW's H that you had proof or was it just your word? If you didn't tell him you had hard evidence I would certainly let him know you did. If you did tell him you have hard proof then let it be for now.

 

As far as wanting to beleive your husband. Yeah thats pretty normal. You want it to work out so you put the blinders up. I did the same thing. You don't want to beleieve that the person you have been with would deceive you. They are in such an affair world where lies rule the day.

[JaneDoe35]

Hello JD

 

To answer your question about the lies. They will not stop while he is still in the affair. My wife didn't open up to me until the affair was dead, but rest assured, should she have contact with the OM again in any form she will lie about it. Thats what affairs do. They have to hide it because they KNOW it's wrong and are being self indulgent at the risk of others. Your husband is not the man you once knew and may not get there for years, which is why it is so important to plan your life without him. Very tough to do but once you start doing things for yourself(Stuff YOU always wanted to do that perhaps he didn't or wouldn't. For me it was Salsa lessons), then it will start to fall in place. I'm glad you are not afraid to expose to his family should they ask.

 

Did you tell the OW's H that you had proof or was it just your word? If you didn't tell him you had hard evidence I would certainly let him know you did. If you did tell him you have hard proof then let it be for now.

 

As far as wanting to beleive your husband. Yeah thats pretty normal. You want it to work out so you put the blinders up. I did the same thing. You don't want to beleieve that the person you have been with would deceive you. They are in such an affair world where lies rule the day.

 

Great reply floridapad - I should not expect anything other than lies for the time being.

 

I kind of told the husband I had hard evidence but I am not sure whether that registered with him. He seemed to be in shock and his biggest concern was whether I thought they had been completely sexually intimate. I could not answer that question for him!!!

 

I guess I will just wait & see if he calls me again. If not maybe I will just contact him and ask if he wishes to see the evidence. I am not sure of what should be my next move. He is a police detective so you would think he would be interested in discovering the whole truth!!!

 

I am for the first time seriously building towards a life without him. I have begun slowly to contact my friends who have left countless messages for me as they are worried. I am looking into my finances (whereas before that scared me). I am planning mine & my daughters postponed trip to Disneyland.

 

Wonderful that you took up Salsa!!! I love to dance too so I need to look around and see what is available in my town.

 

Exposure was the best thing to do...just wishI had of taken the advice I received here and done it sooner.

 

Thanks floridapad!!!!

[nobmagnet]

I wish I knew who the other woman is in my case. She doesnt work for IBM as i searched her so she must work for a competitors company. I would like to know more is that wrong? amI riding for a fall? probably. It wont change anything will it? When I found the e.mails all i did was press the return button (It turned into the BIGGEST button on the key pad!!!) I just wrote "thank you for f*cking up mine and my childrens life. I hope you are very proud"

 

Unfortunately I was in sunch shock i didnt look at her name. Auhdry but no surname. DOH

 

Hope her guts dropped out of her arse!

 

x

[floridapad]

JD

 

The OW's H is a detective? Oh sister. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit insensitive but LOL. He will get to the bottome of it whether or not he calls you. Something tells me this affair is going to live a very short life because rest assured the OW's H will not sit by and accept it. Move forward from the exposure. It is done. Your H's family knows, your family knows the OW's H knows so now it's time for YOU. Now.... Tell me. What are things that you ALWAYS wanted to do but didn't get the chance to do (doesn't matter how crazy. Now is not the time to be reserved). Something for you. Something with your daughter and something without your daughter (when she is visiting dad). This is now about YOU. Leave the affair behind with the exposure. Stop asking him about the OW if you speak. It will only be lies. I used to ask my W questions just to test her to see if she would tell me the truth. This was self defeating because they will not tell you the truth, and it only continued to hurt me. No need to search for the truth anymore. It is what it is. He had an affair and ran off. Now it's about you being a little selfish. Don't be afraid to be selfish. Do what ever makes YOU feel good.

 

It's great to hear your planning a trip to Disneyland. I recommend Disneyworld if you can swing it. They are both great but Disney world is HUGE. Totally different experience than Disneyland.

[hopesndreams]

I wish I knew who the other woman is in my case. She doesnt work for IBM as i searched her so she must work for a competitors company. I would like to know more is that wrong? amI riding for a fall? probably. It wont change anything will it? When I found the e.mails all i did was press the return button (It turned into the BIGGEST button on the key pad!!!) I just wrote "thank you for f*cking up mine and my childrens life. I hope you are very proud"

 

Unfortunately I was in sunch shock i didnt look at her name. Auhdry but no surname. DOH

 

Hope her guts dropped out of her arse!

 

x

 

Highly doubtful her response is what you would hope. Most OW don't give a rats a** for the BS, that's why they can do what they do. If anything, it made her even happier knowing she won the prize. She just doesn't know it's the booby prize, yet!

[nobmagnet]

booby prize!!! fab you are soooo right. Ive been NC for 10 days and its it brilliant the effect it is having on me.

 

Jane,

 

hows it going for you at the moment? Have you been back to the resaurant to see the sexy waiter? Hope your doing better

 

neetx

[nobmagnet]

just to add, I went out on friday night with a great mate who knew I was blue and needed a reason to feel good. I got all togged up, lots of slap, felt incredible ,had a great meal, went to bars with live bands then......................i met the most amazing bloke. He chatted intently we had a laugh , he told me about his life (he has custody of his 4yr son) I told him about mine. He asked if we could have a meal together sometime to chat more so I gave him my number to maybe (And I said MAYBE) meet up in the future.

 

He text me lots. I think I will go as I was honest and he knows my life is complex and I amnot in a place to have any kind of relationship.

 

Oh I forgot to say..................6ft4 muscular, slim, fit, and eyes you could drown in and he is an english teacher but the downside he is only 27 !! oh the difference I feel is just transforming. 3 days on and I am still happy. Feel I have let go a bit. I amjust hoping you are in a good place

 

xx

[nobmagnet]

yoooo hooooooo Jane??

 

how are you?? How are things?

 

thinking about you and hope you are well

 

x

[JaneDoe35]

Tonight I am extremely sad.

 

My husband has informed me that he most likely will be moving in with the OW.

 

I know I have already been through so much but this latest development distresses me greatly.

 

Of course I am horrified about my husband actually living with another woman but the fact that my daughter will now come in regular contact with the OW is almost too much to bear.

 

The last couple of months have been so confusing. Major mixed signals. But now I see that he must have been lying with the 'love you', 'miss you' words.

 

I knew he would meet somebody new but does it have to be her that he moves in with? He promised me that this would not happen. Another lie.

 

I really don't know how to cope with this. I know I have to somehow but I feel so defeated.

 

I threatened to speak to her husband again. I am just so hurt and angry. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just let go. He has not let me go completely so I have hung on to hope.

 

Where to next?

[hopesndreams]

You need to end contact. Make arrangements through lawyers in regard to child custody. Are you going for sole custody? This would be the best course of action to protect your daughter, since he will be shacked up with her. Clear, explicit rules in regard to visitation. Do not allow him into your home when it's his turn to have her. He can wait out in the car. He is to have no dealings with what is going on in your life. He's a snake Jane. He has been enjoying having 2 women want him and when he moves in with her, he will still want you too. It's twisted.

 

Do not have anymore fresh hurt piled on the past hurts. The only way to do this is to cut him out of your life. He has made his choice, let him live with it and believe me, once those 2 shack up, all the fun times they once had will come to a screeching halt. Life and everyday crap will only pull them apart, not draw them closer. It's in the cards. Two cheaters getting together to make a life together? A relationship built on sand that will surely crumble. You need to be strong enough for when his world comes crashing down and he seeks your comfort, you can tell him to take a hike.

 

Mourn the man you once knew. Move forward in your life, one foot in front of the other. It will hurt like nothing imaginable but the pain will fade in time and working through it.

[tojaz]

He has not let me go completely so I have hung on to hope.

 

Where to next?

 

I wish I knew what was next Jane. I was at a point where I really wanted to let go and then all of a sudden she does something to refuel the fire. Now everyone wants me to get in touch with her and try again. My head is a mess now trying to make sense of it all.

 

In your situation, it sounds to me that he is not sure what he wants either, but we can all see in which direction hes moving.

 

If he is still throwing I love yous and I miss yous at you, I would make it clear that you will not stand for that while he is living with the OW because that is a slap in the face. He seems not to be able to make up his mind, let him know that moving in with OW will make up his mind for him, that is the only way you can be free.

TOJAZ

[JaneDoe35]

You need to end contact. Make arrangements through lawyers in regard to child custody. Are you going for sole custody? This would be the best course of action to protect your daughter, since he will be shacked up with her. Clear, explicit rules in regard to visitation. Do not allow him into your home when it's his turn to have her. He can wait out in the car. He is to have no dealings with what is going on in your life. He's a snake Jane. He has been enjoying having 2 women want him and when he moves in with her, he will still want you too. It's twisted.

 

Do not have anymore fresh hurt piled on the past hurts. The only way to do this is to cut him out of your life. He has made his choice, let him live with it and believe me, once those 2 shack up, all the fun times they once had will come to a screeching halt. Life and everyday crap will only pull them apart, not draw them closer. It's in the cards. Two cheaters getting together to make a life together? A relationship built on sand that will surely crumble. You need to be strong enough for when his world comes crashing down and he seeks your comfort, you can tell him to take a hike.

 

Mourn the man you once knew. Move forward in your life, one foot in front of the other. It will hurt like nothing imaginable but the pain will fade in time and working through it.

 

 

Hi hopes, thanks for replying. It is 2.20am and I needed support...

 

Yes, I will now end contact for the forseeable future.

 

And I am going to see a lawyer next week. He said that he can put the house on the market and come and take furniture etc from our home without me agreeing to it.

 

You are right, it is twisted. And I know he will still want me too, even after he and her move in together. But just so he can ease his guilt and suck me dry.

 

I told her tonight that he tells me he loves me all the time. She freaked out. I shouldn't have contacted her and I wont again. She doesn't get me as I have been so polite on the 2 occasions I have spoken to her. I am just becoming part of their toxic lives though and I need to cut him completely out of my life.

 

It is so foreign to want him gone from my life as I love him. But what he has become.....it is impossible for me to be anything to him.

 

I am scared for mine and my daughter's future but the thing that I am most petrified of is the pain. I am ashamed to say that I don't know how/if I can survive. I know that sounds so weak.

 

Thanks so much....your words helped me at least breathe again.

[JaneDoe35]

I wish I knew what was next Jane. I was at a point where I really wanted to let go and then all of a sudden she does something to refuel the fire. Now everyone wants me to get in touch with her and try again. My head is a mess now trying to make sense of it all.

 

In your situation, it sounds to me that he is not sure what he wants either, but we can all see in which direction hes moving.

 

If he is still throwing I love yous and I miss yous at you, I would make it clear that you will not stand for that while he is living with the OW because that is a slap in the face. He seems not to be able to make up his mind, let him know that moving in with OW will make up his mind for him, that is the only way you can be free.

TOJAZ

 

Hey Tojaz, thanks so much for replying. I am a mess. So very sad.

 

I was feeling a little bit stronger before I heard this. You are right, just when you get a little confidence they affect you again by saying or doing something to reel you in.

 

No more - it is finished. I don't want to move forward without him but clearly he has no intentions of making amends.

 

I have to find a way out of this mess. And I know that nobody can do this for me. It is up to me.

 

Oh by the way, don't contact her. I am only saying that because she needs to be the one to come to you if there is to be any possible future. Well....I think so anyway but I am crying and feeling angry so maybe my advice is a little off!!!

 

Thanks...