next?

[Son of Homer]

So, finally read all your posts. Did not read all the comments from others because it would just take too long. I was going to ask you what you really want but after reading all your posts it is clear if you can get him back that is what you want.

So, let's take that course.

Think back to the post where you said how mad he got when he was jealous of the 23 year old? That should have been a wake up call to you. You've read my father's book several times but it hasn't made its point with you.

If you want to get him back you have to pay attention and do what the book says.

Be happy when you are with him or talk to him EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT! You must be a great actress and this is your greatest role.

Do not be a sad sack. Who wants to be with a sad sack?

He wants to be with a happy person. If you want him back you have to be that person.

Become again the person he fell in love with.

Make him jealous!

Go out. Yes, go out. You don't need to get serious but just go out with other men. This is what you must do if you want him back. Do not answer any of his questions about the other men other than you are seeing someone. Don't let him pry into your business. Tell him you have moved on.

Be nice to him always.

Be attractive to him.

Be gracious and sweet.

Do NOT be clingy and regretful and teary.

BE HAPPY!

He will come back to you if you do this. Do you hear me?

Have frequent contact with him but keep it very short.

Always be the one who has to hang up or leave.

Keep your contacts short. This is very important.

Always have a place you have to go.

Be aloof.

Make yourself mysterious and hard to get.

Start this now.

Forget about your revenge stuff re the other woman and her husband.

Get a grip and let's get busy girl!

I'll check in with you tomorrow.

 

Darrell McDonald

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks a million Darrell!!!!

 

I cannot express how thankful I am that you took the time to read all my posts. That is huge....

 

You are right. That is the one part of your Dad's book that I am having trouble with - Going out and spending time with other men. I just cant get my head around it but I know deep down that is what I have to do.

 

Nothing else is working and even if I do not get him back I will at least build up my confidence and meet some new people. I need to do this as my family & friends are very sad and miss him too.

 

I have absolutely nothing to lose and I do need to 'get busy' as you say.

 

Tomorrow he will be coming home as it is my daughter's birthday party. It is not at our home and there will be plenty of people there as it is a joint party with some other children. I will be happy & charming and do what I normally do. Keep people entertained and be friendly.

 

Then as he leaves I will also leave to go on a night out in the city. Still have to organise that!!!

 

Academy Award for Best Actress???

 

Thanks again....

[hopesndreams]

Go out. Yes, go out. You don't need to get serious but just go out with other men. This is what you must do if you want him back. Do not answer any of his questions about the other men other than you are seeing someone. Don't let him pry into your business. Tell him you have moved on.

 

I don't understand how going out with other men is a good thing. What is making him jealous going to accomplish? Doing this could backfire, as in, he thinks to himself..."She's seeing other guys now, I'm seeing someone too, no reason to feel guilty now and all the more reason to end this M and get on with my life."

 

Why not just go out on your own, go shopping, see a friend, go for a walk...anything really and if he asks where you have been, tell him you went shopping.

 

Will seeing other men give you a confidence boost and raise your self-esteem? Chances are the confidence boost you will get but not the self-esteem, especially when you are not ready for it! You are emotionally fragile and not in the frame of mind to hook up with others. You will only find rejection, humiliation and shame in doing this.

 

My 2 cents, but would be very interested to an explanation on how this could possibly work out for the best.

Edited October 23, 2009 by hopesndreams

[Son of Homer]

Good

When he calls, don't answer the phone, let your daughter do it. If she's not home just let it ring. I want him to wonder where you are and why your not there.

When he asks you where you were, be vague. Say you don't know, just had some things to do.

Act happy that he has a new relationship. Say it will be good for him. This will get him wondering what is up with you.

You have been giving him messages that he has nothing to lose by his actions because you were so clingy it gave him the security to risk every thing.

You need to convey that he is losing you and that it is ok with you because you have found your center and your own happiness.

When you quit chasing him, he will quit running from you.

When you start moving away from him, he will pursue you.

Be the game, not the hunter.

Men like to chase what they cannot have.

At the party be friendly to everybody, be vivacious, be alive.

Make your daughter proud of her mother and what a great strong woman you are.

You are beautiful, you are desired by many men. You are sexy and attractive. You are a flowering rose.

You don't need any one man because you can have any man you desire because they all want you.

They see you and feel your sex and your charisma and your charm.

Be the Godess that you are!

GET THIS ATTITUDE AND BLOSSOM!

Spend time with other men at the party, don't just hang with the women.

Be nice to your husband and don't avoid him but don't just hang out with him. Be nice and move on. Circulate. Be happy.

Dress sexy but not sleasy.

Go out with men. But you don't have to get serious or feel that you are cheating. Just go out and feel the energy of the male sex. Get your juices flowing. Feel wanted and desirable. You are a desireable woman. Let men desire you. It will remind you of what a treasure you are. Your husband doesn't need to know it is not intimate. It is not his concern. If he asks, just say that it is personal and let't talk about something else, or I really have to be going now, I've got a busy day, or I'm expecting a call.

Do something special with your hair. Don't look like a mom, look like a tigres, a model, a sex godess. Wear purfume even if you never do, especially if you never do.

At the party dress as if you were going to a party to meet men and pick them up. Don't over do it because your daughter is there but take it as far as is respectable to her. You can look and be fetching without looking like your on the make. It's an art but you are an artist.

You are in charge here. You are in control. Your husband is a puppet. He is your prey and he has no idea that he is as good as caught in your trap. The best part is, even if he knew, he could not resist you once he cannot have you.

The male preying mantis and black widow spider go to their death knowingly but do it any way for one night with their beloved.

Share your Light! Be the Godess! You are the Mother of the Universe and all men want you. Exude your sex.

Be happy! Be love! Be magic! Play with your daughter and create a beautiful occasion.

I'll talk to you soon.

[Son of Homer]

No one is suggesting she "hook up". Has not seeing other men worked for her? Read my father's book. He has been doing this for over 55 years now and he knows what he's talking about. She is emotionally fragile because she is doing what she is doing. Is it working? Is it working? She needs to get out and do things. Seeing other men is the best thing to do. She doesn't need to jump into bed with them and I have not proposed that. She needs men friends. It will help. Trust me. It will also remind her that she has options. That builds self confidence.

[hopesndreams]

Where is she supposed to find these men to play the game with? They don't fall out of the sky. What if these men reject her? Her self-esteem is too low right now. She needs to work on herself, find her own happiness first not look for validation from others. And how easy would it be being in such a fragile state to take things too far with these new men in her life? Too darn easy.

 

I agree, she needs to get out and do things and those things shouldn't involve getting ego boosts from other men. As for dolling herself up and portraying herself as an all together woman, all vivacious and desirable, playing an act...in front of her daughter...is sad. What is wrong with just being pleasant to others and having a smile on your face?

[Son of Homer]

She doesn't find men, they find her. Men can only reject her if she is being forward or coming on to them. I am not suggesting that. I am suggesting she adorn herself like the banquet that she is and let the honey bees find her. They will. she just has to go to social functions and look fetching and happy. Nature will take care of the rest. her self esteem is low because she is not doing these things. You have not heard me. I told her to be careful of her daughter and not over do it. She knows what I mean. Don't show up dressed as a mother or housewife but as a beautiful woman. That will make her daughter proud and is a good role model. Teach her daughter how to be a Goddess. The problem with JUST being pleasant and having a smile is that it won't change anything and won't get her husband back. I am trying to help her get what she wants. My way works, your way doesn't. You see, acting vivacious and desirable will eventually remind her that it is her true self and not an act at all. First do it as an act, soon she will see her inner self is that Goddess of beauty and attraction and sex. Then she will be happy with or without him.

[JaneDoe35]

Ok, I did what was suggested.

 

He became very jealous when I mentioned having gone out & met people including men.....

 

I dressed sexy but not sleazy and he said that I looked amazing. I always dress differently from the other mum's but I made an extra effort today.

 

He was deeply annoyed at the idea of me moving on.

 

But the only 'problem' is that it seems to have made him more determined to end our marriage. He said 'well I know where we stand now'.

 

He is wanting to talk separation of finances/assets and when he did that after the party unfortunately I got a little upset...the thought of losing my husband, my home etc really freaks me out!!! Not that this is the first time that he has said these things.

 

But on the other hand I am not really any worse off after today.

 

Where did my husband go??

 

I have not given up. He feels something for me but I believe the guilt is eating him alive. He had a car accident yesterday, his fault. He looks awful and seems depressed. He looks unhappy and pretends to be happy...confusing.

 

He talks about taking his own life because he says I have been dragging this out. Why wont he get help? Why doesn't the way he is feeling tell him something. He says he is lonely.

 

Next marriage counselling session is on Thursday, not sure how to approach this....

 

Darrell, your advice is spot on but I probably only earned an emmy today, not an oscar. I know I need to do better, for myself. My sanity is at stake...I want to be a strong woman again. I feel I have become lost in this tragedy. I felt alive again today even if it was just for a short time.

 

Hopesndreams - I know what you are saying. I wont open my heart to anyone but I would like to talk to decent men as friends. I have not really done that for almost 14 years. I have really become his wife & her mother. I love those roles but whether he returns one day or not I need to find my confidence. I know I need to find it from within but sometimes a little validation from others helps give you a push in that direction.

 

I have tried everything to salvage my marriage & nothing has worked.

 

Because I have not given up yet, I have to try other things, even though they may go against what my instincts tell me. My instincts have not rewarded me at all recently.

 

I will give these tactics a wholehearted attempt before I walk away.

 

I wouldn't do it if I felt I had anything more to lose.

[Son of Homer]

You did well.

Don't focus on saving your marriage. Focus on you. You can't save your marriage if he doesn't want to. When you give up, he will start trying if he is ever going to. You need to say that you prefer to save the marriage but it if he doesn't want to then that's perfectly fine with you. Let him know that you are not cutting him off but you are not going to do it all yourself and beg him and plead. You are prepared to go either way but he has to want it to.

It doesn't matter whether you start with confidence from within and then men are attracted to you, or whether men are attracted to you and that gives you confidence. Both will end up with the same result. You have to begin with where you are. If you don't have the inner confidence, you can't really start there now can you?

Don't worry that he said now he knows where he stands. They are just words. Actions are what is important. Don't make him feel that he has no chance, just that you have a life and am enjoying it. Don't be cold to him, just elusive and mysterious. Tease him a little but do it subtly. You want to keep him interested and not defeated. It's an art. Give him a glimmer of hope but not much more. Don't close the door on him but let him be the agressor and not you. He must pursue you or it won't work. But know him better than anyone and you know how much it will take and how much is just enough enticement without pushing him away. It's a balancing act.

Remember there are two divorces, the legal divorce and the mental divorce. The legal divorce means nothing. It is the mental divorce that counts. Let him have his separation. Give him what ever he wants. Don't fight it. Don't ask for it yourself but don't fight it when he asks for it. Tell him that you prefer that the marriage work but that you want him to be happy and have started moving in that direction yourself and you are completely ok with it. Got it? You are completely ok with it. If he says you are dragging it out, let him have whatever it is that he wants. Tell him you are ready to do whatever it is that he wants. If he is lonely this is good. He will need to fill that void. Be that possibility for him but let him decide that for himself. Don't tell him that. Let him see you as a possibility. Come across as friendly and warm. Be someone that he feels drawn to and safe with. Be compassionate and tell him you are sorry that he feels badly. Be loving but not clingy. Do not ask him for anything or to do anything. Be supportive like a nurse and a good friend. Do not act like you want him back and do not suggest it. He must be the one to make that turn around in his mind.

At the marriage couseling, let the marriage counselor know that you prefer to save the marriage but since he doesn't want to you have started to move on with your life and are very confortable with that. Be happy at the session. Do not cry or act desparate. You are perfectly fine. You can go either way, it is up to him. But you are fine with whatever he decides to do.

Keep being mysterious and elusive but not completely avoiding him.

Do not answer the phone.

Make him come to see you if he wants to talk to you.

Keep your conversations short and happy talk only, happy talk only.

You must be happy to draw him to you.

If you are sad you will push him away.

Nobody wants to be with a sad sack.

Go out, get out of the house. Don't be readily available. Always be doing something and going somewhere. It doesn't matter where but try to spend time with other men in any capacity you are comfortable with. It doesn't matter as long as your husband knows you are spending time with other men. You don't need to give him details and if he asks just tell him that's personal. DO NOT TELL HIM IT IS NOTHING SERIOUS OR THAT HE HAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. DO NOT REASSURE HIM. YOU WANT HIM TO BE CONCERNED AND WORRY THAT HE IS LOSING YOU. Even if you go out with women, don't tell him that. Let him assume you are out with a man. Don't lie to him just let him wonder. If he flat out asks, tell him it is personal and let's talk about something else. Keep up your happy act. Do not act depressed in front of him. You must be like at the first occasion you met him and attracted him. Be flirty and happy and complete within yourself. You are the bait not the agressor. Have patience, and it will work.

[Son of Homer]

Keep any conversations short and always be the one who has to hang up or who has to leave. This is very important. Never answer the phone unless you think it is your daughter calling. Never answer the phone. If he does catch you on the phone, say you're sorry but you were just leaving and can't talk right now.

[Son of Homer]

Just got off the phone with my father and I told him about your case and that you are going to marriage counseling. He said that is a bad idea. This tells your husband that he is still number one and you'll drop any other male interests if your husband just says the word. You need your husband to feel like he is number 2 or 3. My father says to cancel the counseling. Just tell the counselor that you think the marriage is beyond salvaging and you have met someone, moved on and are happy. Tell your husband that you wish him all the best.

 

I know this is painful for you to hear but good medicine tastes bad sometimes but it will cure the disease. The disease is that your husband takes you for granted. Show him he's wrong.

 

My father says that even when he decides he wants you back, don't give in too soon. He would relapse if he can get you back easily. Make him go through a whole courtship to win you back. No easy jumping in the hay with you. It will cost you if you do.

 

Be strong!

 

Keep your eye on your vision and don't be desuaded from your purpose and your goal. Like Ulysses. Tie yourself to the mast and don't listen to the sirens.

 

You will prevail!

[Auroracoladybug]

So what if he hears that you have moved on and doesn't persue?...I am so stuck on the doing the indifference and yet I want to assure him that I am there for him if he needs me:o

[tojaz]

So what if he hears that you have moved on and doesn't persue?...I am so stuck on the doing the indifference and yet I want to assure him that I am there for him if he needs me:o

I don't want to burst in when SOH is doing so well, really outstandig advice!!

Ladybug, I think if you assure him of that, you become a fallback plan, someone who will always be there if other options fall through. Is this how you want J to think of you?

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

Good point...I will have to read it more closely...I will not be a slave or doormat.

 

Thanks Tojaz, SOH

[tojaz]

Good point...I will have to read it more closely...I will not be a slave or doormat.

 

Thanks Tojaz, SOH

 

Thats what i like to hear, you go girl!!

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Your best bet Jane is exposing the affair. Time to stop living on false hopes. Time to stop bending over backward for your H, he wants out, let him go....and start living again, for you and your daughter.

[JaneDoe35]

The advice from Darrell is just brilliant. It is just so hard to put into practice!!! But that is why it works I guess as it is completely the opposite of what I 'feel' I should be doing.

 

I am starting to look at it this way.

 

At the moment my husband does not want our marriage to continue.

 

If I do what SOH is suggesting he may still not want our marriage to continue. But at least I will be on the path to recovery. I must get on that path for myself & my beautiful daughter.

 

I have not taken any of his calls since he left here on Saturday afternoon. Mainly because his words kill me right now. He works and now lives almost 3 hours away. Because of this we rarely see him now. If I do not speak to him how will he know that I am ready to be happy for him & let him go as I am moving on now? Do I wait until he visits next?

 

There is truly an art to being able to do this.....

 

Thanks Darrell, you have gone above & beyond to help me and no matter what happens your father's book & your posts have helped me start to see that I don't 'need' him. That is huge in itself. I love him & would like our marriage to continue but I don't 'need' it.

 

Hey Tojaz - this is great advice from SOH.....it is slowly sinking in for me

 

Ladybug - I know it is so hard to change your way of approaching the situation. I struggle with it but I will keep it up.

[Son of Homer]

Has it worked for you?

[Son of Homer]

Exactly, my father says if you let him know you are available, you are telling him he is still number one and you will drop whatever you are doing and come running whenever he snaps his fingers. You have to make him number 2 or 3 to get his attention.

[Son of Homer]

I disagree about exposing the affair. Bad karma and gives the message she is still the jilted woman. She needs to shed that catepiller skin and become the butterfly. Time to bury the hatchet and move on. She must shine, not wallow at the same level he is at.

[Son of Homer]

If he doesn't come back, you are no worse off than you are right now and this is your best chance at getting him back, trust me.

 

The fact that you are not taking his calls and are not available sends him the message. You don't have to tell him in words. Actions speak louder than words. He'll wonder why you are not available. He is wondering right now, don't you worry.

 

Yes, you wait. Do not approach him or call him. Continue to not answer the phone. He must be the one to seek you out.

 

Did you read the part in my father's book where he tells about the Indians who catch wild horses by not chasing them but lby aying down not too far away. The horses get curious and come to them and follow the Indians into the corral.

 

You must not pursue, but be ready to be pursued. It will work or nothing will. Concentrate on yourself, not him. Live your life and see if he wants to be part of it. Either way, live your life for you and your daughter. Do not seek and chase. Be chased and sought after. How do things in Nature do it? They become attractive, smell good and look beautiful. You will catch your honey bee. Whether it turns out to be your husband or not, we will see. I think he is not ready to let you go. His jealously tells you that. If he was really unattached to you he would be anxious for you to find someone else to relieve his guilt. Be confident that you have power over him. You do! You can control him by just walking close to an available man and smiling with shining eyes. You will be able to watch his blood pressure go up when you do that. Use your womanly tools that Nature gave you. Dust them off, shine them up and adorne yourself as the Goddess you are my daughter. You are desirable, fetching, sexy, romantic, exciting, with many treasures to share. You shall have your man and love in your life as soon as you blossom like the rose that you are.

[floridapad]

Exposure is a very powerful tool and it most definately worked in my case. They turned on each other when it occurred and it let my wife see that the OM was cake eating. But I do agree with SOH in your case... Exposure would not work and it would look like you are a jilted individual....

 

Focusing on self is so important in all of this in getting yourself back.

 

I do have a question for SOH if he would be so kind to read my message and reply.. I have not read your fathers book but I get the principles based on your post and I will probably get it but Im curious to know if tactics change slightly because of gender? Women have affairs for different reasons than men....so I've read...

[tojaz]

Exposure is a very powerful tool and it most definately worked in my case. They turned on each other when it occurred and it let my wife see that the OM was cake eating. But I do agree with SOH in your case... Exposure would not work and it would look like you are a jilted individual....

 

Focusing on self is so important in all of this in getting yourself back.

 

I do have a question for SOH if he would be so kind to read my message and reply.. I have not read your fathers book but I get the principles based on your post and I will probably get it but Im curious to know if tactics change slightly because of gender? Women have affairs for different reasons than men....so I've read...

 

I'm very curious about this myself. I also have not read Homers book, but now plan to buy a copy!

TOJAZ

[Son of Homer]

Exposure is a very powerful tool and it most definately worked in my case. They turned on each other when it occurred and it let my wife see that the OM was cake eating. But I do agree with SOH in your case... Exposure would not work and it would look like you are a jilted individual....

 

Focusing on self is so important in all of this in getting yourself back.

 

I do have a question for SOH if he would be so kind to read my message and reply.. I have not read your fathers book but I get the principles based on your post and I will probably get it but Im curious to know if tactics change slightly because of gender? Women have affairs for different reasons than men....so I've read...

I'll ask him next Saturdy when we talk but I haven't seen that he addresses men and women differently

[Son of Homer]

I'm very curious about this myself. I also have not read Homers book, but now plan to buy a copy!

TOJAZ

maybe I can work out a discount for you.