i'm thinking of emailing my ex some old photos of us in happier times...

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i'm considering emailing my ex some old photos of us from when we were happy. we dated 6 years & were 1st loves but he ended things with me really cruelly and suddenly leaving me in limbo (see other older posts) and since then he has gone off the the rails and completely changed as a person.

 

he is hanging with a bad crowd, drinking all the time and is acting very arrogant and nasty and also meeting girls from the internet for sex because his friends think it is cool. i know i shouldn't care and he is not my problem now but i am worried about him. yes he has been very cruel to me but his behavior has been crazy, i want him to snap out of this phase. he used to be a sweet guy.

 

this guy has emotionally abused me. one minute telling me 'i love u, i want you back' to the next saying 'i'm drunk i don't really care about you' ..i think i'm feeling guilty because i kissed a friend of his recently and it made my ex angry, altho i am single now and we've been broken up 7 months. i only got back in touch with my ex for closure but didn't get it as he messed with my head more, telling me details of people he was sleeping with, etc.

 

however, i feel if i just send the photos in an email & and say something like 'i still think about you a lot we had so many fun times' and leave it at that.. should i do this or will i look like a shriveled up wreck who is desperate for him despite how he treated me??

 

i just thought it would mean that maybe in the future if/when he snaps out of this crazy phase he can read that email and always have it to look back on, look at the photos and realize what he lost and how badly he treated me.. and maybe come to his senses?

 

am i just being silly because i've had a bad day and feel down? i do really miss him tho. should i send the email? or will i look like a doormat?

 

his last msg to me said not to contact him again ever, i said ok, and he said 'thanks that is what i want' that was 1 week ago exactly and it's been NC since (but he was angry that i'd kissed his old friend and called me a wh0re) ..but we dated 6 years and i know he still cares for me deep down but his head is up his @ss at the moment as he is running with new friends thinking he is amazing.

 

the thing is he is angry that i kissed his old friend even tho it was ok for him to tell me that after we broke up he had 3somes etc and he knew this would hurt me. maybe he is using the fact i kissed his friend as an excuse to just make me go away. i just want him to change back to how he was or atleast wake up and realize how badly he treated me and to feel regret, etc. that is why i want to send the photos to remind him of the nice guy he used to be and the fun we had together

 

i thought if i send the photos it might hit home to him?

 

what are your thoughts?

[BeSteady]

 

this guy has emotionally abused me.

 

i thought if i send the photos it might hit home to him?

 

what are your thoughts?

 

Adn you want him in your life?

 

 

 

i thought if i send the photos it might hit home to him?

 

what are your thoughts?

 

You couldn't influence him when you were together why do you think you can no. If he got it he would be there with you right now saying sorry and proving it with action. But he doesn't and you hoping you can find some way to get him to do so. Why because it would lessen your pain if he did but, again, he does not care to do that.

 

Don't send it. And take care of yourself.

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

p.s) he doesn't have many photos of us because i was the one with the camera so i have accumulated a whole stash of photos over the years, he only has a couple.. i was an art student so always needed a camera so made quite a collection. i have them hidden away at home cuz i get upset looking at them. but i thought of emailing him some old ones to remind him of the person he used to be and the good times we had in the hope he will snap out of this crazy behavior

[Charmaine_Champagne]

but do really think after 6 years together sending it would have absolutely no effect on him? i know deep down he does still have feelings. but would it make me look pathetic if i sent it?

[northstar1]

Charmaine.

 

You need to stop this, this is circular, self-destructive behaviour.

 

Being in touch with this guy any further is like a moth to a flame.

 

Don't send him anything.

 

Just a few days ago you told us you had the willpower to stay NC, so get back that willpower

 

Sending him pics is just a way for you to hope that he contacts you and thinks about you.

 

I really think you need to see a therapist to help you with what is clearly co-dependant behaviour.

 

Please do not email your ex the pictures.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

last week he said really nasty things to me.. it was a wake up call and i finally realized i am better than this i don't deserve this. BUT then i am now making excuses for him thinking that it is because i kissed his old friend, told him about it and then rubbed it in his face (this was immature of me but i only did it out of spite because he told me he loved me and then said he actually didn't)

 

anyway, he told me not to contact him again after the friend incident. but his behavior now is not normal, he is acting crazy, drunk driving etc. i just thought sending the pics would be a wake up call to him, but i duno if i can even influence him or do people just wake up and realize themselves regardless of what i do?

[northstar1]

last week he said really nasty things to me.. it was a wake up call and i finally realized i am better than this i don't deserve this. BUT then i am now making excuses for him thinking that it is because i kissed his old friend, told him about it and then rubbed it in his face (this was immature of me but i only did it out of spite because he told me he loved me and then said he actually didn't)

 

anyway, he told me not to contact him again after the friend incident. but his behavior now is not normal, he is acting crazy, drunk driving etc. i just thought sending the pics would be a wake up call to him, but i duno if i can even influence him or do people just wake up and realize themselves regardless of what i do?

 

Charmaine

 

Listen to yourself.

The guy treated you like crap in an abusive fashion, you realize this, yet you are trying to come up with ways to get him to think about you or influence him?

 

Do you really want another go around filled with more abuse?

 

He isn't your problem anymore, you need to worry about fixing yourself, NOT HIM.

 

Seriously, you need to remove him from any shred of your life.

[Kamille]

NOO!

 

You were doing so good yesterday! It's normal to tither back and forth from good days and bad days and its important to recognize what's healthy and what's not.

 

Now this? Sending out pictures? It's you still trying to hang on to your ex somehow. Sure, we all have those thoughts that you have, hoping that one day they will realize and regret what they've lost. But nothing you do now can provoke those throughts.

 

Believe me, if that time comes, he won't need pictures to remind him what he's lost.

 

Don't do it. Cry, scream, write here but do not contact him. Just tough it out.

 

(Negative thought patterns after a heartbreak are very much like the thoughts of an addict: circular and self-destructive... So treat yourself like a recovering addict: tell yourself that even though it is hard for you not to act and get in touch with him, NC will make it this much easier to heal).

[Island Girl]

Charmaine

 

Listen to yourself.

The guy treated you like crap in an abusive fashion, you realize this, yet you are trying to come up with ways to get him to think about you or influence him?

 

Do you really want another go around filled with more abuse?

 

He isn't your problem anymore, you need to worry about fixing yourself, NOT HIM.

 

Seriously, you need to remove him from any shred of your life.

 

 

Absolutely fantastic advice.

 

I can't even believe how many threads you have started over this guy when he went NC with you -- without even breaking it off.

 

He just simply stopped contacting you. He is worthless and doesn't deserve ANYTHING from you. NO EFFORT AT ALL.

 

And YES that means you do not send him pictures.

 

Please please cut him out of your life. Quit keeping tabs on him. And at this point you need to seek counseling. You have a terrible self esteem problem where you are seeking out abusive hurtful behavior from him.

 

I can not state emphatically enough that you need to seek help in getting yourself back as a priority and getting down to the reason why you would continue to knowingly put yourself in harm's way. :eek::eek:

[Quest]

yes he has been very cruel to me but his behavior has been crazy, i want him to snap out of this phase. he used to be a sweet guy.

 

You can't make anyone do anything. The only thing you can do something about is yourself. Your whole focus is on this guy who you can't control, no matter what you do. The more you keep trying to change him and fail the worse you feel, and so the whole downward spiral continues. This is really self-destructive. The only way to break the cycle is to realise you can't influence this guy and pull back, then focus on yourself.

 

 

 

however, i feel if i just send the photos in an email & and say something like 'i still think about you a lot we had so many fun times' and leave it at that.. should i do this or will i look like a shriveled up wreck who is desperate for him despite how he treated me??

 

This is just one more attempt to try and control the uncontrollable and will only perpetuate the downward cycle. Don't do it.

 

i just thought it would mean that maybe in the future if/when he snaps out of this crazy phase he can read that email and always have it to look back on, look at the photos and realize what he lost and how badly he treated me.. and maybe come to his senses?

 

What he does or does not do in the future is something you have no control over. Also, people change. This may not be something he snaps out of.

 

am i just being silly because i've had a bad day and feel down? i do really miss him tho. should i send the email? or will i look like a doormat?

 

What other people think of us, even our nearest and dearest, is just one more thing we don't have control over. There is no point worrying over what he thinks of you. More importantly, what do you think of him? Not much by the sounds of it, and rightly so. Focus on what he IS, not what you would like him to be. Do you seriously want to be with a man who is capable of such horrible behaviour?

 

and i know he still cares for me deep down but his head is up his @ss at the moment as he is running with new friends thinking he is amazing.?

 

If he cares for you he is not showing it and at the end of the day all you have to go on are ACTIONS. Love and care are both things you do, through your actions. Again, do you want to be with someone who does not show you love or care?

 

i just want him to change back to how he was or atleast wake up and realize how badly he treated me and to feel regret, etc. that is why i want to send the photos to remind him of the nice guy he used to be and the fun we had together

 

This seems to be the nub of the matter. Again, you can't change him backwards, forwards or anyways and you can't make someone feel something either, be it regret, love or hate.

 

All the time you are spending trying to change this guy is time you could be spending looking after yourself and recovering from the way you have been treated. If you stay in denial and think that somehow you can magically make this man behave like the perfect prince you're only preventing yourself from healing and growing, and finding someone who will treat you much, much better.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you are being really hard on yourself and I worry you could make yourself very unwell by continuing to focus on this man so much. I wish you well.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i was doing great the other day, i'd accepted things- or so i thought. after the last nasty things my ex said to me i realized- whether i kissed his friend or not- that he had done far worse to me over the past few months and i didn't deserve the last words of abuse i took from him.

 

the thing is after 6 years together a normal thinking person would end things decently esp having been together so long. how he ended it and his behavior since has really not been normal. if he wasn't happy in the relationship that's fair enough but he could have broke it to me decently and gently. and considering i was a pretty decent type of girl i didn't deserve his treatment. i know this.

 

even after all the bad things he did to me, last week after i kissed his friend he said to me ''i was actually thinking of giving things another go, but u kissed my old best friend, i'll never forgive you, your a whore and who wants a whore for a girlfriend" (i think this was bullsh*t, he knows i'm not that type of girl, i think this was an excuse to cut all ties with me so he can live the lifestyle he is living now)

 

BUT why i can't let go is because i know this guy CAN be a decent loving person. i was with him 6 years. he has changed now suddenly and is acting really crazy and is influenced by his new friends- tho i can't blame them 100%, he has his own mind. i just know he has a heart under all this apparent heartless, macho behavior. so by sending the photos i want to tug on his heart strings and remind him of when he used to be a nice, decent person. and want him to question why he threw that away to live this crazy life.

 

this guy was settled with me.. he now drives drunk through a bad area of town throwing eggs at prostitutes for fun!! that is not normal behavior for a 24 year old. i worry about him. do you think he knows himself that he has changed? that what he is doing is crazy and wrong. he ever speaks differently now. i was a good influence on this guy and it saddens me he is living this way and got me out of the way in order to do so.

 

ok so everyone says i can't change his mind or influence him. but do you think he will ever reach that conclusion on his own? i want him to wake up and see he is acting crazy. in our last conversation i told him that this and he just said 'i don't want to hear from you again ever'

 

do ppl like this EVER regret their behavior or do they just go on living this crazy way thinking they are having fun. it makes me so sad this sweet guy has become this disgusting person.

 

he told me to delete his number. i have done that now. i know his number off by heart but there is no point calling or texting him i guess. i couldn't take him back after how he behaved anyway but i want him to wake up and realize how he treated me was wrong! because when i contacted him for closure he wouldn't admit he did wrong- he laughed and even last week when i told him i didn't deserve the abuse i took he just told me not to contact him ever again, like he is in denial

[Charmaine_Champagne]

basically u are saying if he ever does come to his senses, he will contact me regardless of photos or anything else. if he ever wakes up one day with regret i will know about and he would have done it of his own accord?

 

then i think whats the worst that can happen, i've already reached rock bottom and humiliated myself enough, if i send the photos it won't really matter.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i admit i wound him up about his friend, i taunted him about it, and even after all the bad things he did to me, i still feel guilty about annoying him about kissing his friend. i only did it to get back at him. after that he told me to never contact him again.

anyway, because i feel guilty about the friend thing i want to reach out to him with the photos so that if he ever does come to his senses the door will be open at my end should he choose to make contact. he can be a sweet guy, he has just gone off the rails.. there i go making excuses for him again.. but i was with this guy 6 years and i want him to change back to how he was before he went mad!

[Quest]

It's very normal to hurt after a six year relationship breaks up, particularly if the end has been horrible, which it sounds as if it was in your case. It's also normal to think back to the good times when you were happy together and to mourn these times. But the fact is this is not what is happening NOW. You have not been treated well by this guy for some time now and his behaviour is all over the place. Focus on that because it is the reality, the here and now. And focus on YOU. Hoping for someone to change does not make them change and it's a kind of denial of reality which stops you from healing and growing.

http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php

The link above might help, I don't know, but it's worth taking a look if you want to try thinking less about him and moving on - which seems like a good idea, IMO.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

do they (dumpers) ever wake up and realize what they did was wrong and feel regret? and do they always let us (dumpees) know about it?.. i know i can't sit around and wait for that day to happen. my friend had a guy (ex fiance) call to her door after 5 years..

 

i have the flu at the moment so i'm feeling sorry for myself and it's my time of the month so maybe that is why i'm having these thoughts and posting like mad today. cuz the other day i thought i was at a stage of acceptance. but did 6 years mean nothing to him, like if he had no feelings he wouldn't care if i kissed his friend

[Surfer Girl]

He told you he did not want you to contact him..... Sending pictures now is not going to do you or him any good.... If you feel after 3 months NC... to send the pictures.... he may or not be in a better frame of time.... but now is not the time.... you need time out and so does he... to look at this relationship for what it is....

[Charmaine_Champagne]

this is a guy who completely messed with my feelings just last week he was saying ''i want you back'' the next ''i'm actually drunk'' and then ''never contact me again''

 

seems like he actually gets a kick out of it in some sick way

[GorillaTheater]

If you feel after 3 months NC...

 

What 3 month NC? I can't say, based on this and other CC threads I've seen, that there's been much in the way of NC at all.

 

It's probably time for some.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i was 5 whole months strict NC after he ended it with me back in Feb and was doing ok. BUT then i had a relapse and broke NC in July as i thought i would get closure. big mistake. now im back to square one pretty much and he never gave me closure, he just messed me around even more using and abusing me for afew months. hinting at getting back together, then telling me he was drunk and had a gf. this from a guy i spent 6 years with, treating me like i was meaningless. i've been 1 week NC now and because i still think this guy can change and i'm having a down day i'm considered emailing him the pictures to hit home to him how he has behaved and what he lost

[GorillaTheater]

i was 5 months strict NC after he ended it with me and was doing ok. BUT then i had a relapse and broke NC as i thought i would get closure. big mistake. now im back to square one pretty much and he never gave me closure, he just messed me around even more. i've been 1 week NC now and because i still think this guy can change and i'm having a down day i'm considered emailing him the pictures to hit home to him how he has behaved and what he lost

 

That'd be fine, if you want to go back to square one again.

 

If you want to send him the pics to accomplish any other goal, forget it.

[northstar1]

this is a guy who completely messed with my feelings just last week he was saying ''i want you back'' the next ''i'm actually drunk'' and then ''never contact me again''

 

seems like he actually gets a kick out of it in some sick way

 

 

The man is touched in the head.

 

Why the Frak do you want to be in that circle of destruction?

 

Come on now.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i know i know, it's a downward spiral. but i think i still keep thinking/hoping he will change back to how he was, or atleast that he can change back. i'm worried about him to be honest the life he has chosen to lead, he used to be such a sweet guy.. i know it shouldn't be my problem anymore. i just wanna reach out to him because i knew him 6 years and i know he can be a good person

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i don't want people on here thinking i'm some kind of nut job. i am very hurt, i spent a long time with this guy. but do u think maybe there could be something mentally wrong with HIM, my ex? i'm being serious. i know i am obsessed but really, his behavior is not normal or rational?

[john1988]

Please please please don't send these photos, his friends and him are probably laughing at you just now, this will accomplish nothing until the next time you decide to send him another email or more photos, it's a terrible terrible idea and I know because I've done it.

[Kamille]

do they (dumpers) ever wake up and realize what they did was wrong and feel regret? and do they always let us (dumpees) know about it?.. i know i can't sit around and wait for that day to happen. my friend had a guy (ex fiance) call to her door after 5 years..

 

i have the flu at the moment so i'm feeling sorry for myself and it's my time of the month so maybe that is why i'm having these thoughts and posting like mad today. cuz the other day i thought i was at a stage of acceptance. but did 6 years mean nothing to him, like if he had no feelings he wouldn't care if i kissed his friend

 

((Charmaine_Champagne)). I'm sorry you feel under the weather. But here's the good news: next week, you won't have the flu anymore and you'll be past that time of the month. So, tell yourself one thing, next week you will be feeling better.

 

And yes, an ex of mine who treated me like crap once we broke up, did, years later, apologize for how he treated me. But you know what? I was glad for it but it didn't really matter because I was over him, so over him, so no longer into a man who could have put me through some of the same antics your ex is putting you through.

 

But as has been pointed out, you can't make it happen. Your job is getting better, for yourself. Your job right now is accepting that it's over, accepting that it hurts and accepting that sadly, there is nothing you can do to get him back.

 

I know with all my heart that a year from now you will be doing much better. Two years from now, you will be thankful you are no longer with him, for you will have met someone with whom you are truly compatible: someone who supports your goals, is self-motivated, has a decent job, wants to build a strong relationship with you. So let it go Charmaine, go make yourself some hot beverage, cuddle up under a blanket and tell yourself it'll be okay. Cause it will be. I garantee it.