i'm thinking of emailing my ex some old photos of us in happier times...

[Quest]

I had an ex who went off the rails and starting behaving in completely insane ways ... everyone thought he was crazy. In the end I never did find out what it was all about, whether he had a diagnosed mental health problem or not. All I knew was what he DID and eventually there comes a point when you just have to see that for what it is and stop speculating on why a person is behaving as they are because it doesn't alter the behaviour. Any number of things could be driving this guy's behaviour but what matters is that it's abusive and you need to look after yourself - and get to a point when you can see the best thing for you is to move on.

[Kamille]

oh and ps, CC: next week you will have moments when you'll be happy you didn't send him those pictures.

 

You will feel like you did a few days ago again. Today is a rough day. But you are doing progress, we all saw it!

[john1988]

He's not your friend anymore you need to realize that, he should have lost everything when he treated you so bad, he doesn't deserve anything from you. I honestly don't think you would accept that from a good friend so why are you taking his bull****? Your new motto is "NMFP" Not My ****ing Problem, start using it, it feels good when you try it on, the good side to not being attached to anyone.

[Island Girl]

i don't want people on here thinking i'm some kind of nut job. i am very hurt, i spent a long time with this guy. but do u think maybe there could be something mentally wrong with HIM, my ex? i'm being serious. i know i am obsessed but really, his behavior is not normal or rational?

 

His behavior doesn't matter. Yours DOES.

 

I don't think you are a nut job. I don't think anyone does.

I do think you have spent enough time and energy attempting to figure him, his actions, his lack of actions, etc. all out when you should just be closing that door and getting over him.

 

You are very hurt. I get that. And you were hurt worse by his words to you last week and he'll continue to hurt you with crap like that as long as you keep allowing it. As long as you go back for more pain he'll be right there to give it to you.

Shut the door on him - remove any way of contact and set about creating a better world for yourself.

You are stuck in between with one foot toward a brighter future and one foot in the grave of your dead relationship. It is over. He changed and is now a miserable jackass. Get the other foot moving in the right direction.

 

If you have the flu you should not even be thinking of making decisions about these pictures etc. We all feel miserable when we are ill and it is too easy to be melancholy about such things.

 

Take a nice hot bath, have some tea, and go to bed. The only thing you need to be concerned with doing is feeling better and sleep is the best thing for that.

[Kamille]

Oh, and Charmaine, the only way he will ever regret what you had is if he gets to feel like he lost it in the first place.

 

So stop contacting him and move on with your life.

[Lish]

Like someone said and they were correct... you could not change him when you were with him, so you have fat hell of a chance of doing it when you're apart.

He asked you to not contact him. He does not want you in his life. You have absolutely no right, six years or not, to barge into his life against his wishes hurling photos at him.

 

YOU need to delete the pictures and you need to move on with your life.

[gavinus]

Charmaine_Champagne I agree with everybody else,s post on this thread. I understand how you feel I was abused in an abusive relationship, but when the times where good they were great! I now understand that that relationship was like an addiction, you put up with the abuse, hoping for the good times afterwards. Why subject yourself to someone who may only treat you well when THEY feel like it? Would you not love to be with someone who treated you great ALL THE TIME? The person who cares the least has the most power! Stay NC, respect and love yourself and remember feelings go away....come back...and go away again, be strong

[smookie]

I believe that you know that alot of them (the dumpers) do feel bad and remorsfull after breaking up with someone and alot of the time they do see the light and try to contact the dumpee...thats why it is not a good idea that you send him the pictures or contact him in any way.. let him miss you, let him feel that you are out of his life. The possible contact that you might make will not make him miss you more it shows him that you miss him and if he is being a a$$ then you do not want to hear it right now.

Do not send emails texts anything at all

[Quest]

I understand how you feel I was abused in an abusive relationship, but when the times where good they were great! I now understand that that relationship was like an addiction, you put up with the abuse, hoping for the good times afterwards.

 

CC - A few people have suggested treating your attachment to this man like an addiction and it's good advice. It's an addiction because you keep going back to something (this relationship) that isn't good for you (because it is abusive and dragging you down), seeking good feelings you once got from it. The only way to break the addictive cycle is to stay away and go cold turkey (NC). Once you do that you'll start to feel less and less compulsive about this man.

 

With flu and feeling unwell you are probably feeling much worse than usual about things. Hope you get better soon and you will definitely feel much better about this break-up after a few months of no contact.

[scienceguy]

Everybody has told CC to see a therapist or counselor. Just look at the multiple threads she's posted and at their responses. Unfortunately, she doesn't respond to that, but goes on to query us that, if she sends xyz to her ex, maybe he'll respond in a particular manner.

 

It's really out of line, and unfortunately, all to familiar to me. Having been raised in a family with a violent abuser, and having spent time as a volunteer in a domestic abuse shelter, her behavior is very typical of a woman who has some sort of abuse/self-esteem issue. Heck, I don't think you need to be a victim of abuse to realize this. The fact that it has gone on as long as it has, is incredibly disturbing. I dunno if there were problems with her relationship or her childhood, but her problems are a lot deeper than her failed relationship with her ex.

 

I certainly she hopes that she heeds the advice of basically of everyone on the board and sees a therapist.

 

PS:

 

"do they (dumpers) ever wake up and realize what they did was wrong and feel regret? and do they always let us (dumpees) know about it?.. i know i can't sit around and wait for that day to happen. my friend had a guy (ex fiance) call to her door after 5 years.."

 

No. Seriously, they don't.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

science, it's gone on so long as i was with this guy 6 years and he was my first love. i'm not gonna just get over that. and i recently broke NC after 5 months seeking closure which i didn't get and so am now back to square 1. he told me he loved me and wanted me back then told me he didn't give a f*ck about me while laughing. so just messed me around for his own pleasure.

nice.

 

i have been speaking to a councillor btw but i will admit i express myself better through writing. i actually think my ex has issues and needs to see a councillor. i dunno if any1 else who has read my other threads will agree? but his behavior has not been normal.

 

i do obsess on here in my threads science but i find it stops me at weak moments from calling up my ex and questioning him- as he will just laugh and make noises down the phone! how mature.. i don't want that person he has become but i have been clinging on to the old person he used to be in the hope he would change back.

 

after 6 years and such a sudden and harsh change on from my ex i'm obv gonna have many questions. if someone u grow up with someone u love who then completely changes their personality and turns on you, the closest person to them, for no apparent reason of course that is going to be puzzling. maybe he is on drugs, who knows.

 

i know this has gone on so long- 7 months now. but i mostly post here when i am having bad, down days, other times i get on with life, work, socializing and having fun. i have good days too.

 

i've discovered it isn't about wanting him back. i could never go back with him after the abuse he put me through. and i wouldn't want to. it's more about wanting him to feel regret and wanting him to want me back, to make myself feel better i guess to make him see he made a mistake.

 

i think i want him to change back to how he was before because when i first met him i was a good influence on him. this was a guy who i helped out an awful lot, i kept him on the straight and narrow, kept him settled & out of trouble. then he basically shat on me and is now living a crazy lifestyle. you see i was a pretty strong influence on him when we were together, thats why i was thinking i could influence him now by sending him the photos.

 

i'm not stupid, i know this guy is bad news. but it is an addiction. i have been running back to something that is bad for me. deep down i know this and it is harmful to me and my family. like a drug i have to cut it out. i have been 10 days NC now and didn't send the photos.

 

i have to remind myself what he put me through. this was a guy who's method of breaking up with me (after a serious 6 year relationship) was to tell me he had a valentine card/present for me and then to ignore me on valentines day and refuse to answer my calls/texts thereafter!!! (even though the weeks leading up to that day we had been fine.)

 

that is not normal behavior for a 24 year old man!

 

but it is weird, maybe i am just a nice person but even after all he put me through i feel guilty for things i did or didn't do- like kissing his friend the other week (even though i'm single and don't have to answer to my ex, i still taunted him about it and so feel guilty) and i beat myself up over that. i look back on our relationship and yeh, i could be a diva at times, but i loved him, i stood by him so many times and i never cheated. i didn't deserve what he did to me. his method of breaking up with me was just foul.

 

but i am an honest person and i like to express my feelings- esp to him.

i think a big part of this is wanting him to KNOW that i am hurting and how much he has hurt me. maybe in the hope that he will feel guilt, regret, etc. that is maybe why i was thinking of sending the photos also. but, anytime before when i broke NC that i mentioned to his face the bad things he did and how he had hurt me. he would deny it or give a smart remark or laugh! surely deep down he knows what he has done? but either doesn't care or can't face hearing it.

 

p.s) does anyone here think i was wrong to kiss his old best friend the other week and tell him about it? (even though we were broken up and he has done far worse to me) should i feel guilty or should i not care?