i told his wife

[fooled once]

That's exactly what I thought. She needed to know the TRUTH about their R. She got it.

 

People should really stop ripping into her for telling the W. It certainly isn't going to HURT the W to actually KNOW THE TRUTH as well. It may for awhile, but certainly NOT over the long haul. At least now she knows WTH her H has been up to behind her back and can decide what she wants to do with her sham of a marriage. And now the OP knows he was lying to her the entire time and can move on.

 

Donna, I normally agree with you; but in this case, the ONLY reason the OP told the wife was so the MM would end the marriage. She didn't do it to help the wife, or to end the affair. She did it so the wife would toss him out and she would win this great prize of a guy

 

So while I do think the wife should know, I don't think the intent of the OP was to be truthful --- because for 3 years she had no problem screwing the MM. She just wanted the wife to know so the M would end; and that didn't happen.

 

OP - I hope you can start moving on..... and not wait for him to one day appear. Even if he does, I hope you can turn him down. He isn't the man for you.

[MizzBlue72]

HUGS brainy Blonde - lots of hugs. Be kind to yourself.

You are grieving. This is a loss, and it will take awhile to get over.

 

I am one who thinks that you should NOT tell the spouse - ever. It's really not the OW's place.

 

At least you do have the closure you need. It will be REALLY hard - DO NOT contact him again. You will want to - post here instead.

[Lucky_One]

I think you've got a MM here whose BS didn't really know jack**** about you or the EMA. Hence the threat of a RO from one text - I might tell some crazy woman who texted me out of the blue that I'd call the cops, too. if she didn't leave me alone. But I'd surely ask my H about it.

 

But you got your answer. He hadn't even come close to telling his wife about moving out or about wanting a divorce, and I greatly suspect that he hasn't told her everything even now. He wanted to keep you where he had you (on the side) while he had his pleasant life with his wife.

 

At least now you can start to move on.

 

And stop emailing him. The last thing you want is a reply coming in the form of a cop knocking on your door. You have been told not to contact him - contact at this point is a violation of that request.

[whichwayisup]

missing him like crazy and feeling an overwhelming desire to get in touch! it annoys me that i feel like this!

 

Start venting here when you get the urge to try to contact him. Whatever you do, DO NOT contact him.. He's liable to call the cops on you, or his wife might be the one call the cops.. People do nutty things when pushed past their emotional limit so the best thing you can do for yourself is NOT do anything and accept that it's over. He hates you right now.. You ruined his cover, ruined his cake eating ways, of having two women meet all his needs.

[ednadean]

he has done incredibly well blocking me everywhere, so no doubt, he's very angry with me for inflicting the bombshell on his marriage. he never managed NC when he went on hols!

 

ummm. yeah!

 

Of course he's mad. If I were him I'd be furious. While I don't agree with what you did -- I don't really feel sorry for him either -- he's reaped what he sowed -- and his lies have come to haunt him.

 

The fact that he's not talking to you and blocking you should settle it once and for all that he was never all that serious about you in the first place. If you try to get in contact with him he's just going to think you're more of a psycho.

 

Sorry to be harsh -- but I think you need a constructive reality check here -- before you hurt/humiliate yourself more. I agree with the other posters that he or his W might get the cops involved.

[White Flower]

If you have kept track of my previous threads, my MM had asked for a break of NC, and I'd discovered he was going on holiday. Well, he broke the NC after one week, said the hol was the worst thing ever, and had decided he wanted to be with me, & was going to take action.

 

I ignored his texts, they became more frequent, and he sounded as if he genuinely meant it. the holiday passed, he went back to work, and we spent almost 2 days solid on the phone about how unhappy he was being married to his W, and how he would leave. By how he spoke to me, I understood the leaving to be imminent.

 

I was drawn back in, so much.

 

then he started saying he was leaving, but not yet. he didn't know when. same old, same old, i'd heard this a million times before. by now, the pressure of this relationship was too much for me to bear. To have a man tell me daily that his life with his W is so unhappy, it's making him ill, that his children are suffering with all the arguments, that his head and heart are with me was just too much to continue in stalemate, and I felt something needed to be done. I knew (from what he'd said) that my name was mentioned in his house every night, and I decided I wanted to help MM, as he seemed to be struggling with making the break.

 

So I texted his wife, saying to her that I would answer any of her questions if she had any, and I promised I wouldn't lie to her. She replied saying she'd reported me to the police for harrassment?? I said that's OK, as everything would get out into the open then. MM was ringing every second, but I didn't pick up. Then silence for 2 hrs. Then MM phoned me up, and I could hear his wife in the background. He said he'd admitted everything, and he couldn't believe i'd do such a thing. that was the end of the conversation. his W texted asking me to not contact her ever again. And that's it!! I've had NC from either of them!

 

I am so puzzled right now for the following reasons:

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely!

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

please be kind on the replies, i need some support and a boost.

Brainyblonde, I see a lot of my story in yours. Even your username could be mine:cool:.

 

1. Yes and no. Wrong if you wanted to keep the A going, right if you wanted to end it. Very rarely will telling the W result in forcing MM to leave for you. Right because you see him for who he is--a cake-eater who always wanted both of you. Sad but true.

 

2. He went through all that trouble because he really didn't want to lose a good thing. No matter how badly we think of cheaters they do have hearts and they do love and they do hurt when they lose love, even if they are selfish. He just hoped you would hang onto the A and enjoy it for what it was.

 

3. It is in your nature to love and forgive. I have come to believe they sense this early on, especially serial cheaters (not saying your MM is serial). All MM need a loving, forgiving, and understanding OW. Too bad most SGs are only looking for hotness in women and not these other wonderful traits. Wandering MM are smart. You grieve him because you know how hard it is to find a SG who is that smart and will touch you emotionally the way MM did.

 

4. He wants to punish you for disturbing his world. It was all perfect as long as you were a secret. That is as horrible as it sounds.

 

5. He IS hurting but he won't give you the satisfaction of knowing it. She has accepted him and he will stay with...what?...a loving, forgiving, and understanding woman who bore his children. Then, he will probably look for another OW and tighten up his game. I'm SO sorry to say this, but it's pretty classic.

 

6. You could have asked if he knows you're sitting and waiting for him and the answer is yes. Surprise him and tell him you are not available to a man who only takes advantage of all that you willingly give out of love. You are a free agent and he needs to believe you are having the time of your life and do not need him in it to breathe.

 

Best,

WF.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you believed him when he told you he loved you and wanted to be with you, why not believe him now when he's plainly communicating that he doesn't care about you and wants to be with his W?

 

You're close to crossing over from OW to stalker...

 

Mr. Lucky

[donnamaybe]

Donna, I normally agree with you; but in this case, the ONLY reason the OP told the wife was so the MM would end the marriage. She didn't do it to help the wife, or to end the affair. She did it so the wife would toss him out and she would win this great prize of a guy

 

So while I do think the wife should know, I don't think the intent of the OP was to be truthful --- because for 3 years she had no problem screwing the MM. She just wanted the wife to know so the M would end; and that didn't happen.

 

OP - I hope you can start moving on..... and not wait for him to one day appear. Even if he does, I hope you can turn him down. He isn't the man for you.

 

Well, I'm not going to try to assess her motives. BUT - the H got what he deserved, the BS got what SHE deserved which is the TRUTH about her cheating scum H, and the OP found out what she needed to know about this guy - that he was just using her. Seems like a win-win-win situation to me.

[frannie]

thanku so much for all your replies! i'm having a bad day 2day, missing him like crazy and feeling an overwhelming desire to get in touch! it annoys me that i feel like this!

 

if he came knocking, i know i would take him in...that's my heart speaking.

 

he has done incredibly well blocking me everywhere, so no doubt, he's very angry with me for inflicting the bombshell on his marriage. he never managed NC when he went on hols!

 

i just hope, in time, sometime real soon i wish, i could look back and see how crazy life was.

 

anyway 2 weeks on monday since i told the wife....

 

keep your replies coming, especially all you OW that know exactly how I feel, how all you BS felt when you had the bombshell, how u rebuilt/moved on/ended the M, and all you MM how you coped.

 

He is probably managing NC a lot better with his W to patrol his movements. My MM also asked me not to contact him again on d-day; months later he told me that of course she was there dictating what he did. BUT again, ultimately this was his choice in order to keep the peace. What most MM will do on a d-day is retreat and stabilise the status-quo, because that is who they are - cowardly confrontation-avoiders.

 

Two weeks is far too early to know what will happen in the end. In my situation I ended up contacting him a few months after d-day, because at that point I still hadn't got over the hope that things would be 'ok in the end', and I wanted to know one way or the other from him what was going on with them. A couple of things influenced that decision, the main one being that I knew from visitor tracking that he was visiting my website, presumably looking for news of me. Another issue was her continuing to email me telling me all about her marriage and anger (I didn't reply to much of this, there was no dialogue as such). Anyway, my feeling was that if they were still involving me then I may as well act in what I felt was my own best interest.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[pizzagirl]

If you have kept track of my previous threads, my MM had asked for a break of NC, and I'd discovered he was going on holiday. Well, he broke the NC after one week, said the hol was the worst thing ever, and had decided he wanted to be with me, & was going to take action.

 

I ignored his texts, they became more frequent, and he sounded as if he genuinely meant it. the holiday passed, he went back to work, and we spent almost 2 days solid on the phone about how unhappy he was being married to his W, and how he would leave. By how he spoke to me, I understood the leaving to be imminent.

 

I was drawn back in, so much.

 

then he started saying he was leaving, but not yet. he didn't know when. same old, same old, i'd heard this a million times before. by now, the pressure of this relationship was too much for me to bear. To have a man tell me daily that his life with his W is so unhappy, it's making him ill, that his children are suffering with all the arguments, that his head and heart are with me was just too much to continue in stalemate, and I felt something needed to be done. I knew (from what he'd said) that my name was mentioned in his house every night, and I decided I wanted to help MM, as he seemed to be struggling with making the break.

 

So I texted his wife, saying to her that I would answer any of her questions if she had any, and I promised I wouldn't lie to her. She replied saying she'd reported me to the police for harrassment?? I said that's OK, as everything would get out into the open then. MM was ringing every second, but I didn't pick up. Then silence for 2 hrs. Then MM phoned me up, and I could hear his wife in the background. He said he'd admitted everything, and he couldn't believe i'd do such a thing. that was the end of the conversation. his W texted asking me to not contact her ever again. And that's it!! I've had NC from either of them!

 

I am so puzzled right now for the following reasons:

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely!

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

please be kind on the replies, i need some support and a boost.

 

 

I Have to answer this as I got kicked off another website over this issue of Telling as it was a CRUSADE to out the AP.

1) That is the Wrong question where you WRONG. For you it felt Right because YOU were only considering YOU. BS did not want to hear it and in fact has reported you for harassment( shows how much she appreciated your "concern".)

2) Obviously there is a HUGE gap in what he Tells you and what he Tells his W.

3) You were Dumped. Your attempt to "right" the affair( by telling on him) blew up in your face. You have nothing. His wife knows and wants you to butt out of their lives. And AP is minding his Ps and Qs. Never worry you may have your lolly pop again, but since you threw it in the dirt, maybe not. So why are you grieving?\

4) Now you continue to harass him. So maybe he tells his wife and maybe she has access to his account. I thought You wanted to do the "right" thing. You outed him and instead of it burning his bridge in his marriage it burned the affair bridge. So why are you contacting him. How does that correlate with doing the "right" thing?

5) Is HE hurting, doer of the right thing, you inquire? And you seem miffed that his marraige carries on.

 

Your post is why I got censured from the Fundamentalist Outers at the other Website. You outed him for YOU. You did not care about his wifes feelings and despite her stated threats and feelings, which seem not to preclude you from doing the "right" thing, you continue to try to contact him. hell with her. And to put a bow on it you are pissed his marriage is not over.

1) at the crusade website, the feelings of victimization were Dogma: it was your DUTY, damned the consequences, to out your AP should it end and YOUR feelings be hurt.

2) It really was about getting EVEN. It really was about the Feelings of the AP that was DUMPED so Revenge, not doing anything remotely considering the feelings of the other spouses was even remotely considered. After all, I would want to be told, was the Credo, and burned at the stake was anyone that violated it.

3) The violence to the families, children, sometimes real violent stories were related, not to mention financial and emotional devastation when the AP had decided to end it was then met with the "get even" mentality masked by the Self serving staement of My reality is te ONLY reality: " I would want to know". So let the devastation begins.

 

The Wife told you to Bug out. Scram, get lost. get away from her spouse and never contact them again...and you choose to IGNORE that but then tell yourself " you were only doing the right thing".

People, there is More than ONE reality. You think outing the AP is RIGHT ( for you) so you ASSUME the WORLDs ( everyone elses feelings and needs) are met by OUTING your AP. As you refuse to see that you were party to an affair, that helped create marital discord, you want to make sure the spouse KNOWS and let the inferno begin. Save it that this has anything to do with the battered spouse. This is about serving the feelings of the person DUMPED.

[pizzagirl]

I think regardless of your motives....you did the right thing telling his wife.

I think it is a safe bet that if your name has come up in their home night after night, he has been doing all in his power to convince her there is nothing going on between you or that you are some bunny boiling stalker.

 

He led you on and he deserved to be busted. Now you know for sure where you stand.

 

AND

 

I wouldn't be too sure that his marriage is just trucking along like nothing has happened. I am betting that all in the marital household is not happy happy joy joy. You may never know what is happening in the M right now....unless he comes back in a few weeks with a new sob story about the M and new promises of a life together...

 

Wow, just loved your response to this person. and you "logic"?

1)Regardless of motives. outing him was the right thang...so outing him was fine no matter her motives.

So any action is removed from motives? sounds like a sound credo to live

by.

 

He "led you on". Wow this is a real reality avoider. Did you not know he was MARRIED? Did he FORCE you into an Affair, one that lasted YEARS. Did that not give you a CLUE he was not leaving? But since he would not leave to GET EVEN with guy "he "deserved to be busted" was your response. Real solid.

Maybe instead of BLAMING the OP you need to look in the mirror and realize your attempt to STEAL this MM blew up in your face. Save the concern for the BW.

[pizzagirl]

It is NEVER wrong to tell the BS. Its your life and its her life and the secrets alone take away the human dignity of both.

While it is a good thing to tell...the reaction you get usually isnt what you want or expect. Its a hard thing. The reaction you get isnt the most important thing for you though. The reaction you get might be craziness brought about by a crazy situation.

 

He has lied to and manipulated you. But you knew more of the truth than his wife. Bank on it.

 

Unless they both become involved in therapy and experience a life changing event , he may eventually want back with you. Or someone else. It sounds like he is unhappy with his marriage, his wife, himself. Sincerely. BUT it doesnt sound like he feels the reality of a life with you is any better.

 

He and his wife , if he has told her some semblance of the truth are going to start to process this, to what end who knows? But during the process his wife will be raging at you and then curious about you and may want to assure herself via you, that she knows the truth.

 

Be kind if you can.

 

You miss him, you feel sorry for him. I dont know how to heal a broken heart but I can tell you this: When you reach rock bottom stop digging.

Boy, i dont know where to begin with the fortune cookie pithy reality morsels in this response.

1) It is NEVER wrong to tell the BS. Your need to serve your reality dictates that is the ONLY reality: since YOU believe it is never wrong than it is a crusade for truth as that is the only reality. As we see by this little story the "noble" act of telling did not get the response so desired, in fact it blew up in the face of the Teller like a carnival exploding cigar. The act of telling is often motivated by REVENGE and does not condider the HEALING of anyone. So get down from the morality cross.

2) You next ASSUME the AP was lied to and manipulated, again serving at the alter of her, an adult, that FREELY CHOSE to participate in a LONG TERM AFFAIR with a MARRIED Man only did so because what? He lied he waqs married, well, no. He lied he was going to leave, maybe during the sex act he really wanted to believe that, but this continued for YEARS, so Self Deception is a more likely scenerio. She had an Affair with a married man. You are entering into a damaged relationship( an Affair with a Married Man), any resultant damage cannot be blamed on ignorance.

But You knew more of the truth than the Wife...the First statement I agree with. the W did not know the AP, how could she, as the AP also kept things quiet.

3) AP may want to get back with you? Only if he is a total gutless weasel. You OUTED him, You tried to break his marriage. Which, may be terminal anyway, but if his life needs electric shock paddles to revive it, my guess is dr. kavorkian does not get a call. Sounds more of a "fresh start" type of situation. I mean trying to have a committed relationship with a co cheater does not give one a warm fuzzy stable feeling.

4) The reality is the wife sees you as the lowest life form. She is Done with You. Quit blaming and as accept your reality as an adult you participated in an affair of your own free will. Blame allows you to dodge that reality. If he painted a bad picture, you Chose to stay in the affair. it's over.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I Have to answer this as I got kicked off another website over this issue of Telling as it was a CRUSADE to out the AP.

1) That is the Wrong question where you WRONG. For you it felt Right because YOU were only considering YOU. BS did not want to hear it and in fact has reported you for harassment( shows how much she appreciated your "concern".)

2) Obviously there is a HUGE gap in what he Tells you and what he Tells his W.

3) You were Dumped. Your attempt to "right" the affair( by telling on him) blew up in your face. You have nothing. His wife knows and wants you to butt out of their lives. And AP is minding his Ps and Qs. Never worry you may have your lolly pop again, but since you threw it in the dirt, maybe not. So why are you grieving?\

4) Now you continue to harass him. So maybe he tells his wife and maybe she has access to his account. I thought You wanted to do the "right" thing. You outed him and instead of it burning his bridge in his marriage it burned the affair bridge. So why are you contacting him. How does that correlate with doing the "right" thing?

5) Is HE hurting, doer of the right thing, you inquire? And you seem miffed that his marraige carries on.

 

Your post is why I got censured from the Fundamentalist Outers at the other Website. You outed him for YOU. You did not care about his wifes feelings and despite her stated threats and feelings, which seem not to preclude you from doing the "right" thing, you continue to try to contact him. hell with her. And to put a bow on it you are pissed his marriage is not over.

1) at the crusade website, the feelings of victimization were Dogma: it was your DUTY, damned the consequences, to out your AP should it end and YOUR feelings be hurt.

2) It really was about getting EVEN. It really was about the Feelings of the AP that was DUMPED so Revenge, not doing anything remotely considering the feelings of the other spouses was even remotely considered. After all, I would want to be told, was the Credo, and burned at the stake was anyone that violated it.

3) The violence to the families, children, sometimes real violent stories were related, not to mention financial and emotional devastation when the AP had decided to end it was then met with the "get even" mentality masked by the Self serving staement of My reality is te ONLY reality: " I would want to know". So let the devastation begins.

 

The Wife told you to Bug out. Scram, get lost. get away from her spouse and never contact them again...and you choose to IGNORE that but then tell yourself " you were only doing the right thing".

People, there is More than ONE reality. You think outing the AP is RIGHT ( for you) so you ASSUME the WORLDs ( everyone elses feelings and needs) are met by OUTING your AP. As you refuse to see that you were party to an affair, that helped create marital discord, you want to make sure the spouse KNOWS and let the inferno begin. Save it that this has anything to do with the battered spouse. This is about serving the feelings of the person DUMPED.

 

I'm willing to bet this has more to do with your attitude and HOSTILE posts, NOT the subject matter. I've been a BS, too...but man, your clearly displaced anger makes YOU look like the crazy person in this thread, not the OP.

[PhoenixRise]

Wow, just loved your response to this person. and you "logic"?

1)Regardless of motives. outing him was the right thang...so outing him was fine no matter her motives.

So any action is removed from motives? sounds like a sound credo to live

by.

 

He "led you on". Wow this is a real reality avoider. Did you not know he was MARRIED? Did he FORCE you into an Affair, one that lasted YEARS. Did that not give you a CLUE he was not leaving? But since he would not leave to GET EVEN with guy "he "deserved to be busted" was your response. Real solid.

Maybe instead of BLAMING the OP you need to look in the mirror and realize your attempt to STEAL this MM blew up in your face. Save the concern for the BW.

 

 

I stand by my response.

 

In my reality, it is a good thing for a BS to know that they have been exposed to some unknown person's sexual history. STDs and HIV are real in every reality.

 

In my reality is is better for a BS to be able to make informed choices about their lives. BS can chose to ignore it and keep the status quo or BS could decide they deserve better and demand it, or BS can decide to leave, either way, BS gets a choice.

 

I am thinking that it was not due to your stance on telling vs not telling that got you kicked off the other board...perhaps your delivery had something to do with it.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, an AP doesn't know WHAT a BS wants.. Some BS's would like to know, told by anybody, others wouldn't, yet if they did want to know, they would prefer to hear it from their CS, not the OW/OM. Some tell in hopes to end the A once and for all, some tell in hopes that they'll land their MM/MW.

 

Either way, it's a mute point to get into it, she already told and now has suffered her own consquences of telling. MM and his wife banded together, and have told her to stay away. Everyone hurts and is in pain now - The best thing for the OP (original poster) is to let go and begin her healing, get counselling.

[Fallen Angel]

Pizza? Just curious were you the Betrayed Spouse? Or were you the Wandering/Wayward Spose who was outed?

[fooled once]

Oh for heaven's sake Pizza, move on already.

[scatterd]

Go girl now the answer is in her hands wether it works or not.

[Fallen Angel]

Just curious as to if anyone else sees a correllation between Pizza's hatefulness and the fact that she keeps referring to the BETRAYED spouse as the BATTERED spouse?

[MistyK]

Oh for heaven's sake Pizza, move on already.

 

I second that motion.

[2sure]

The fact of the matter is that some wayward spouses cheat for a damn good reason