bobcaticus Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Hi My girlfriend is having our baby, and as much as she loves me, she hates my brother. Because of a couple of incidents that happened ages ago she feels as though he wants to split us up, which maybe he did but I forgave him. She harbors a grudge against my brother and she wants me to tell him that he's not allowed to hold or touch our baby. I don't feel comfortable doing that but she says that it's either I tell him, or she leaves with the baby. As much as my bro can be an ass, he's still my brother, and I love him, but I also love my girlfriend so much, I don't want to lose her. But why should I have to lose one part of my family for her? I don't want to be seen as a "traitor" or as someone who doesn't care for my family. Her family all agree with her, with the general idea that her family is more perfect than mine. However, though my family aren't perfect, we love each other a lot and they'd look after me and our baby. If I tell my family this then they'll think I'm an evil person who doesn't care for my family, but if I don't I'm worse for "always siding" with my family. I'm losing either way, it's either I lose the trust of my brother, and his love, or I lose my girlfriend and our baby. She won't even listen or take the time to compromise with me, and she wants me to do it. Am I being selfish? What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Saxis Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 One who threatens you with ultimatums, eh? She doesn't respect you at all, obviously. She'd better have proof that your brother is not suitable to be around your child. A custody case could very well laugh at her unless she has some damn good reasons to deny your rights as a parent. Do you know what these "incidents" were that she's still holding onto? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 It sounds like you "let" your brother disrespect your GF. Perhaps you didn't call him out on it and ask him to apologize or set that boundary properly - you did say it was more than one time he was a jerk to her and/or tried to cause problems in your relationship. You need to fix this. Not fixing it the first time caused the other times. Not fixing it the last time has lead to your GF making this ultimatum. You didn't fix it so your GF had to and this is how she has decided to go about handling it. Did your brother ever really apologize? I don't mean stand there and say the words without meaning it because you asked him to....... I mean was he ever chewed out by you for it? Have you ever explained to him that YOU get to decide who to have in you life and you expect him to respect your decisions and the person you've chosen? And then explained to him the problems he causes by acting that way and not feeling bad enough to smooth it over sincerely? In her mind -if she is not worth respecting to your brother, your brother won't respect the baby or the way you two wish to raise it and he might meddle in THAT too. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I'm losing either way, it's either I lose the trust of my brother, and his love, or I lose my girlfriend and our baby. Or you could go with option 3: Grow some balls and tell your gf that either of the above two options are unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Or you could go with option 3: Grow some balls and tell your gf that either of the above two options are unacceptable. Or you could go with option 3: Grow some balls and tell your brother about the mess he has made in your life and by not respecting your choices. Its not like you can have a kid with your brother. Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I agree with that. Time to man up, and get them both together. Have your bro apologize for past transgressions (he should man up, too), and have her accept that he is going to be a big part of your and your baby's life. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 So, what did your brother do that upset your girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 sally, the imagery is just too GROSS :laugh: but, you have a point about Brother having apologized to poster's GF: I can see how, if he was acting like a lout and never made amends, that she would still be angry, and as mother of the child, she feels she can withhold visits from him. the answer is somewhere in the middle: Telling her that while you respect her still being upset with him, this is child is part of your family and that you're not going to deny the baby access to the family just because she's holding a grudge. That it's very UGLY for a parent to use a child as a pawn, because it's unfair to the kid. then go rip your brother a new one for being such a chowder head, then tell him that he and your GF need to resolve their differences, because you know he understands the importance of family and you want your child to get to know his uncle. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 sally, the imagery is just too GROSS :laugh: Indeed, but he might as well learn now that a partnership HAS to actually be one to have a chance of working. He can't really have this kind of partnership with his brother after all. And If he is going to raise a kid, he needs to learn to pick his battles wisely. He didn't apply the ounce of prevention (when his bro started acting a fool) and now he is going to have to dish out TWO pounds of cure - one for the GF and one for the brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobcaticus Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Well I think she maybe feels that my brother didn't care for his actions, but for what it's worth he isn't very good at showing his emotions, or indeed speaking right. I think that maybe she thinks that while he apologised he didn't show enough that he did. I've already told her that the options she's gave me are unfair, and I asked "Why does ae wane huv tae grow up wae hate in oor femilies?" (From Scotland) and she said more or less said that "If you don't like it I'll go it alone.". It takes two to tango (three to conga, but thats a DIFFERENT story) so I think I should be there for her, because we baked that bread, and that baker doesn't just leave it unattended. Coupled with the fact that we're kinda long-distance and it's making decisions more final. I did my part, but maybe I did my part wrong when I said to my bro to back off and apologize for what he done, and maybe I should have defended my brother more. If I go about this wrong I'm going to lose both of them (which sounds like the premise of an epic action film, but not in this case). I've not told my brother yet of what my girlfriend thinks, because I don't want my maw to get involved, because she'll want to defend him, and get at me for saying something as cruel as that. I don't know my rights in regard to this, for when the baby is born, but I think it mostly favours the Mother, which it should in a lot of cases. I'm going to have to think of what to do tomorrow. I've told my girlfriend that I won't speak to her till I've come up with a decision, which now that I look at it empowers her and givers her more cards to play with, but so far it's "My way or the highway, and if you don't like it, you can bite ma sh**e." Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 what does this chick gonna do after she's cut off you and your family out of spite, and the wee one starts asking for Daddy? just how old IS she? Teenager? Or someone who should have more sense? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I just realized a very important factor here..... Is she still pregnant? If she is, there will be little chance of reasoning with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobcaticus Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 She's 18, same as me. Judge me as you like, but we all make mistakes, and now I'm paying for it, though if we can't reach a middle ground I'll be paying a lot more. I feel the same, but I know I've made my mistakes and should repent for that, but I know that she'll need all the help she can get. Her trying to cut all ties with me would mess me up and make it harder on her, as well as her family. Another thing that comes to mind is that she keeps saying "What if it was your brother who did it to me?" and she keeps saying "I wouldn't blame you then.". However I think she's just saying that, kinda as if to say "No, my argument is right, I'm not a hippocrite.", though I'm the paranoid type. She's stubborn, thats in her nature, and her family, but I think she should learn to change, if not for me, then for our baby. I said to her that I'll leave college for her and start working (not easy in this recession anyways, but I'd try) but she, her family, my family and friends convinced me out of it, because they believe that I can get a job out of it. I do too, but I think I should be there for her with monetary support and with her, because as of now we're living in different homes. She has sense, but I'm concerned she isn't using it right, or that I'm using my own. My senses say "Go and tell your brother what she said and be done with it." but my logic part of me is going "WTF? You both need each other dips**t. You can't cope on your own, and you know your brother won't do anything stupid while you're there, and that he's looking forward to it, so why would you keep him out? That's it, I'm calling Maury!" I'm stumped. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 She's 18 That explains a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 She can't just take your child away from you. You have rights as a father, and will have legal right to see your child. So if she walks, she gets exactly what she doesn't want - you will have the right to take the child for weekends or to live with you 50% of the time, and during that time, your brother will be able to hold the baby as much as he and you want him to. She will have no say in that. Since your brother has already apologized to her, then SHE is the one breeding hate in the family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobcaticus Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Yeah she's pregnant, and I'm thinking that it is hormones, but she hated him before she was pregnant so her having an ultimatum now is like it'll be final for her. I don't have a chance to do anything. We talked a lot on the phone and MSN, so I'd upload the chat log if you's are interested? Sorry for doublepost. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 As I said in my previous post, she is the one breeding hatred now since your brother already apologized. There really is nothing more he can do. She ought to have the grace to accept that he already apologized and let it go without trying to force you to sow MORE discord in the family, since she so concerned about the baby growing up in hatred. And again, she can't take your baby away from you. You have right to the child as much as she does. You'd better look into those rights and make sure you understand them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobcaticus Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 He made her out to be a liar and that he tried to split us up because he wanted to spend more time with me. Couldn't edit first post to add. I don't have much rights, unless I get my name on the birth register. She also has PCOS, which means that this could very well be her first and last child. I don't mean to be sappy, but she's the only woman I can see myself with in 10-9000 years. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 He made her out to be a liar and that he tried to split us up because he wanted to spend more time with me. Couldn't edit first post to add. I don't have much rights, unless I get my name on the birth register. She also has PCOS, which means that this could very well be her first and last child. I don't mean to be sappy, but she's the only woman I can see myself with in 10-9000 years. Yes your correct, you don't want to make too much stir until she has the baby and you are named the father. But I'm sure she'll waste no time declaring you the father when it comes time to collect child support(if it comes to that). Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 It doesn't matter if she names you on the birth certificate. You can petition for a paternity test after the baby is born. It's your kid; you have legal rights. That's why I suggested you need to find out what your rights are - talk to a lawyer so you know where you stand, just in case she continues to be spiteful toward your brother despite his apology and demands you create a break in your family. Link to post Share on other sites
shunter Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 well it is your lucky day ! cuz i am going to tell you what to do that will forever change your life. this girl is 18. so we need to work with that angle. You tell her neither of those choices are acceptable. Her pregnancy has nothing to do with your brother and whether your brother and her will coexist for a short period of time in the same location is a different debate. So either she gets her head on straight and doesnt give you some meaningless ultimatum or she can hit the curb because you do not want a relationship with anyone like that. Further, you will decide after the baby is born whether to seek custody of the child. You need to hit this little girl on the head. She probably will run away from you, but mind you she will be back and when she comes back you make her beg for your forgiveness.. and from then you will have good relations Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 well it is your lucky day ! cuz i am going to tell you what to do that will forever change your life. You need to hit this little girl on the head. She probably will run away from you, but mind you she will be back and when she comes back you make her beg for your forgiveness.. and from then you will have good relations I hope it's obvious, but don't take this advice.... The way I used to look at it when I had issues with my ex's family was that me, him & our kids were now his family, and although he & us were still a part of the bigger family (that included mine too), we were his first concern. Your g/f is very hormonal right now, and probably a bit freaked...imagine how you are feeling times 100. It took my a long time to make sense of this myself but I think women go through a process when they are pregnant of realising that they are now their own unit / family. You realise that you are on your own and will have a lot of responsibilities, and you need to start thinking in terms of 'us'. Men (I have noticed) seem to run back to their childhood family a little when times are stressful. So they rely more & more on the support of their Mum / Dad etc, to help them deal with the stress of going through first time pregnancy / childbirth. This creates an obvious conflict between the man & woman. I think your girlfriend is testing you a little bit on this to see where your loyalties lie, to see if you will stick with her no matter how far she pushes you. I don't think she's doing it on purpose at all. It took me ages to work it out myself. I would talk to your brother and tell him what is going on. I would talk to him about doing something to make amends. Believe me, however tough your g/f is (scottish women - aaarghhh!) she'll be a lot nicer after the birth. Also - a present of something baby related from your brother would go a long way to helping her melt a little bit. Whatever it it works out with you and your g/f, you both have to stop looking at the baby as someone's 'property' because as soon as he/she is born all that crap will hopefully go out of the window and she'll want the best for the baby (as will you). Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 He made her out to be a liar and that he tried to split us up because he wanted to spend more time with me. She also has PCOS, which means that this could very well be her first and last child. I don't mean to be sappy, but she's the only woman I can see myself with in 10-9000 years. This is a fairly big deal then, she's scared that that's what you will do. He has to accept that you are with her and stop interfering in your relationship. You need to make this very clear to him if that's what you want. She doesn't trust him around her because she feels he is 'against' her and she has a point - the baby holding thing is just her way of expressing this. Try and forget the ultimatums right now. She needs to know you are on her side, and not talking about you & her with your brother. Is your brother younger or older? Does he have his own family or g/f? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobcaticus Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 He's my older brother and he doesn't have a girlfriend. He's not much of a woman's man, if I say so maself. I think he cares about my girlfriend, but gets annoyed that I talk to her on MSN and Phone a lot, because we can't exactly see each other everyday, and I can't exactly spend all my time with him. It's become a juggling act really, which is what should happen, though maybe I should spend more time with him, to let him know that I'm still his bro' and to let my girlfriend know that he's still my brother. He's older by about a year, and he's a good 10-20cm taller. He knows that he shouldn't interfere, but as I said maybe I didn't make it clear enough. She's actually said to me multiple times that she feels he's against her, along with my maw when he gets her involved, which happened a couple of times. She doesn't like my maw just now because she's giving her too much attention, and generally annoying her. I'll say to her to forget the whole "Not touchin my baby" thing, because I understand she's hormonal, and that she feels scared, like in case something bad happens to her, or the baby, or to our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 She is amazingly young to be diagnosed with PCOS and to be pregnant, as well, as she "should" be infertile. Is she under a doctor's care for this, or is she self-diagnosed? Link to post Share on other sites
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