maleet Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I have always hit a block on this subject. Maybe its years of upbringing as- let the boy call you or let the boy make the first move... etc. Even my family will never hear an I love you. We dont say that sort of thing. we dont ever exchange Birthday or Christmas cards that have cutesy poems in them... its look at as something funny or a joke. So here i am... involved with a man that is always spilling his guts to me... and i can never find the words. I can type some of it but not the same effect... i can buy HIM A MUSHY card and LOVE what it says. Why is it so hard for me to get it out? does this have to do with confidence?? I really have no confidence in myself. Never did. Always was brought up as if i was never good enough or always compared to my friends. Can anyone help me?????? My relationship is really suffering because he thinks I DO NOT love him... Physically or when i am with him he can feel the love but he says when i go home (we are in different states) I dont feel so lovey dovey. I dont blow him off or ignore him (or disappear with my friends without notifying him). We stay in contact through phone, texting, internet.... during the times we are apart. PLEASE HELP WITH SOME ADVICE. I AM LOSING HIM LITTLE BY LITTLE HERE. Sorry if its in the wrong board, didnt know where to place it. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Hi, I like you. am terrible at expressing my feelings with words...yes a childhood with not much affection shown or displayed can absolutely affect you in that dept. In the begining of my R (2 years now) forget it...I could barely say I love you even when inside I was dying to say it share it...and he is very vocal about his feelings he spits it out with no hesitation...it was bothering him because he felt as if i was giving mixed signals or did not care enough...so lil by lil I had to open up...not just to save and continue my R but also for my own sake... I started by writing lil notes...then letters...I was even too shy to give them to him at times but I would leave them on his bed or his car...I started not by writing all this love stories romantic crap LOL I started by "I'm sorry I can't express myself as I am terrible with words I realize it may and is coming across the wrong way...perhaps as if I'm not caring enough or love you enough...but the reality and what's in my heart is...blah blah blah blah..." lil by lil I finally got to that point...cards are great too...I know it sounds cheesy but we give each other cards randomly not for a specific reason...like valentines or xmas...we do it whenever we finda the right one that expresses how we feel...we put them all in a basket where its only cards and we read them occasionally to refresh our memories...now I have finally graduated to speaking in love... it takes time and baby steps but you want to make sure that he knows its you that have a problem communicating verbally that you are working on it and my advice to you...always keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. GOOD LUCK!!! Link to post Share on other sites
frustrated&sad Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 You might try keeping a journal where you can write about how you feel. Over time, you will get more comfortable expressing how you feel in words. I also like MSUE's idea of leaving little notes here and there. Once you start writing anything and find your comfort zone that well will open up and be hard to contain. You could also look to books like How to Write a Love Letter by Dolnick (it's quite good) for inspiration. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 PLEASE HELP WITH SOME ADVICE. I AM LOSING HIM LITTLE BY LITTLE HERE. Engage his help. Tell him you have a hard time expressing your feelings and trust him enough to help you. Once you realize you don't lose anything by sharing yourself, it will come. I'm amazed that you can have sex with a man and not be able to share your feelings openly. That would be a big red flag for me and I likely wouldn't pursue the relationship sexually. My stbx had that problem and I learned a lot from our M. Link to post Share on other sites
mammax3 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Why is that a red flag, Carhill? Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I'm amazed that you can have sex with a man and not be able to share your feelings openly. That would be a big red flag for me and I likely wouldn't pursue the relationship sexually. I personally don't see it as a red flag...some of us are just not able to and takes time...in her case she mentions how her upbringing is/could be a factor. just because a person isn't able to verbally express doesn't mean they don't love and actions do indeed speak louder than words... some of the best players on the dating game/ field are all talk telling you all kinds of love crap and they cheat they treat you poorly they leave once the hit the home run...so truly in essence I guess it can go both ways. OP...trust me on this one please consider my tips...I was once where you are at now;) Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Just wanted to commend MSUE for the exercise in improving the method of open communication . I applaud the poster for recognizing this has been a hurdle that was established years prior. Let us know how this exercise goes! Sounds like it can have some wonderful results! Just give yourself time...communication on an emotional level is a challenge and it takes a sense of honesty . I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
BeSteady Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Check out this book: "The Dance of Intimacy" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Why is that a red flag, Carhill? Simply because of a decade of marriage to someone who couldn't or wouldn't share herself that way with me. It came to be very lonely. I know the signs now and won't progress a relationship with anyone like that ever again. I know what is healthy for me now. The remainder of my life is too short to wait for a woman to figure it out or feel comfortable enough or find her secret potion. It's a personal preference and requirement. YMMV Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Good answer Carhil, I can respect that choice. It was a wise one for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maleet Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 He let me know that he can SEE me or feel my love for him... but the words... he wants me to talk to him sometimes and i guess its i just feel on the spot. I know it sounds odd cause i make love to him and snuggle with him a lot and show affection in that way.. i just get this... verbal block. He will ask- tell me how you feel about me (and he will go first) then im like... i cant talk. its so odd. what the hell Definitely will try these exercises you all have taken the time to reply with. I appreciate the help. Baby steps. Link to post Share on other sites
BeSteady Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 First start by writing down why he is special, shy you love him, his special silly things that make him, him. Get in the habit of doing that. It will give you confident to express them verbally when the time is right, it will reduce the stress of doing something new. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 ask him to be patient with you. That you love him, but because of your experience with your family, you're learning for the very first time how to express the love language ... also tell him that you're happy he's the one you are discovering how to do these things with, even though it sometimes doesn't seem like it's happening quickly enough. then, as you suggest yourself, babysteps ... casually start using those love-words when you talk to him. Honey, baby, sweetheart, sweetie, honey-baby (something an older friend referred my husband as when he asked about him once) ... just drop them into your vocabulary and you'll find yourself using them more and more. Same thing with saying "I love you." Even if it's hard to say it at first because you feel vulnerable, it's something you quickly adopt because you *keep* saying it ... best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 He let me know that he can SEE me or feel my love for him... but the words... he wants me to talk to him sometimes and i guess its i just feel on the spot. Definitely will try these exercises you all have taken the time to reply with. I appreciate the help. Baby steps. Hey Maleet, yes I so know that on the spot feeling and you are not nuts...he is indeed putting you on the spot...agghhhh I still hate that...LOL...I'm still not good at it but we somehow compromise...I tell him I don't work on demand like tivo and we just laugh it off and I'll do something special perhaps a dinner he loves or I have even cut roses from the gardedn in the past...and I will express myself better at that point or as soon as I can spit it out when I'm not feeling in the spotlight...by now probably within 20 mins ...its all time and practice and willing to... Link to post Share on other sites
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