silent break up?

[Mixitup123]

Almita what you said about being stupid and ignoring all the signs is so true, and that he only wanted 10% of you..waw I can't believe that he actually said that to you..but my boyfriend didn't actually say it in words but that is how he treated me, thinking about it now..he only wanted me when it suited him, he kind off just used me for convenience I think, even though he wouldn't ever admit it..you're so blind when you love someone and really want the relationship to work, (which of course you would after that long)..you ignore everything, even the people closest to you telling you the truth, as they are looking from the outside.

 

The truth is their not men they are boys and not ready, or in my case just not capable of offering you the love, care and respect you need. Like trueblue said "Grow up little boy" and "act like a man".

[almita]

I know what you mean and I thing wondering girl's situation is similar. My ex pretty much did what he wanted if I fit in it fine if not tough luck for me...

 

he also gave me the silent treatment a lot which is so mean and immature, I should add that he did discuss with me alot but when I DID NOT share his point of view he would go silent for the longest time - it was a nightmare.

 

I hope that I will heal soon my heart is one soar lump in my chest and I cry in the worst places I am A MESS and the only person I rely on to help me through this is the psychologist I started seing because I lost so much weight.

 

I feel with wondering girl because she is going through this and I really think these boys need to grow up, problem is we LOVE them so we should get this 80s book out (women who love too much) and forget about the guy.

 

To all of you who suffer in this community I send

hugs and know you are not alone

 

Almita

[RedDevil66]

Don't freak out, but my BF of 4 yrs (yes 4 yrs) is also giving me the silent treatment.

 

My story is LONG, but the gist is, he's an alcoholic and has done and said some really stupid things to me. I left him MANY times, always to go back and always me contacting him.

Now he's been in AA for a year in recovery. The fights between us got worse and worse

He, like your boyfriend, is NOT someone that knows how to communicate. He acts like a 5 yr old when it comes to conversations like tit-for-tat sort of deals.

 

We went to couples therapy 2 weeks ago and it didn't turn out great because I told some truths he was not ready to hear. We left therapy, had a huge fight and he said he didn't want to go back and needed alone time.

I left him alone and he didn't contact me for 5 days.

I thought it was RIDICULOUS that two people in their mid 40's were acting this way.

I called him, We had a good talk, but he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to work on the relationhship or himself a lone.

During this time, I joined AL Anon.

He called me and emailed me daily after I called him.

Last Sat, he invited me over for supper with his kids. The night went well, but we were sort of uncomfortable with each other.

Kids went to bed, I started to talk about the relationship and it's issues. He didn't like that. He went into 5 yr old mode, I didn't engage and I walked out

I am the one who ALWAYS contacts him, this time, I'll kill myself before contacting him.

 

He won't contact me, He's punishing me. He's also threatened that I am now in Al Anon.

He will MAYBE contact me via some pathetic txt in weeks from now. Asking something nuts like "how are you"

 

Passive agressive people are the most frustrating bunch on the planet.

 

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[JaggedRoad]

I know what you mean and I thing wondering girl's situation is similar. My ex pretty much did what he wanted if I fit in it fine if not tough luck for me...

 

he also gave me the silent treatment a lot which is so mean and immature, I should add that he did discuss with me alot but when I DID NOT share his point of view he would go silent for the longest time - it was a nightmare.

 

I hope that I will heal soon my heart is one soar lump in my chest and I cry in the worst places I am A MESS and the only person I rely on to help me through this is the psychologist I started seing because I lost so much weight.

 

I feel with wondering girl because she is going through this and I really think these boys need to grow up, problem is we LOVE them so we should get this 80s book out (women who love too much) and forget about the guy.

 

To all of you who suffer in this community I send

hugs and know you are not alone

 

Almita

 

My ex also did the same whenever I disagreed with something. And when I ask to call her following an argument, she would just tell me that I can if I want to. The arguments were never productive either, but she always took them too seriously.

 

I never really thought that the silent treatment was a form of bad behavior. I was just so used to her giving me the silent treatment and thought it was just her way of dealing with things, so I would always give her space whenever it happened. I would try to have her talk it out with me, but that usually ends with her telling me that she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Is this really a bad thing? I'm completely oblivious.

[WTRanger]

I too am in a similar situation. It just sucks, as like most of you who have responded, I don't feel right matching silence with silence of my own. But no matter what you do, you can't win. If you confront them, they act so shocked. These people giving us the silent treatment know exactly what they are doing. They've done this their whole lives. I, like most of you, feel it's something I've done to warrant this treatment. I'll re-read my messages wondering if it's something I've said. Though in my case, it wasn't always like this. When we were casually dating she was really open with me, almost shockingly open. Then, when we became more exclusive she clammed up. So, now I'm stuck in limbo. At least I know I'm not alone.

 

Staying strong now will prepare you to stay strong when they come back, and they will. Usually it's when you are 99.9999999% over everything. As I said, these people know exactly how this idiotic game works.

 

You know, sometimes leaving civilization and living in the mountains in solitude doesn't seem like such a bad idea. At least if an animal friend gives you the silent treatment you can shoot them.

[wondering_girl]

hi all, i'm sorry we're all going through this, as days pass by, i just FEEL so disrespected, yet, a part of me wants him to contact and another part of me doesn't....if he's not going to speak i don't really want him back.

 

i'm on day 15 of NC now, i have panic attacks, dream about him all the time, and it's like i'm waiting on a verdict, but i'm TRYING my best to move on, because sometimes i'm thinking is this a punishment? or is he gone for good, i'm just HURTINGGGGGG so bad, i can't even describe how much pain i'm feeling....

 

girls, i know part of it is my fault too that i let him treat me like this for the past 3 yrs and now that i called him out, he went running as fast as he can, as hard as the pill is to swallow, i HAD to call him out because just like trueblue said, we have the right to stand up for ourselves right, and it's good that i called him on on yr 4, not yr 6 , or yr 8 to see how he'll react.. and this is what he does..

 

reddevil do you think this is still punishment? because of my attempt to bring up the subject after numerous times of him trying to talk and push it aside? he's DRAGGED IT out way TOOOO LONG, usually when he pulls this, it's like 2 weeks or so, but this time i resisted on HIS terms and everytime I attempted he goes NOPE..but like you said, i'm not GONNA call. well couple of times he attempted to brush it off but i didn't let him, like why do u wanna talk at dinner? out in public?

 

guys, thanks so much for writing me, i always look forward to reading them, thanks so much

 

jaggedroad, yeah but it made me feel HORRIBLE all the time, and i blamed myself...... but now it's really not my issue

 

what's disturbing is? i really really LOVE him BUT this crap hurts when they pull this and it makes you feel like nothing - ya know i'm a person ya just can't shut me out when you have "issues" or because i made a "mistake"

 

*hugs to all*

[JaggedRoad]

Right, it really sucks when you realize that the person you loved is no longer part of your life and the only person you can really depend on is yourself.

[wondering_girl]

I too am in a similar situation. It just sucks, as like most of you who have responded, I don't feel right matching silence with silence of my own. But no matter what you do, you can't win. If you confront them, they act so shocked. These people giving us the silent treatment know exactly what they are doing. They've done this their whole lives. I, like most of you, feel it's something I've done to warrant this treatment. I'll re-read my messages wondering if it's something I've said. Though in my case, it wasn't always like this. When we were casually dating she was really open with me, almost shockingly open. Then, when we became more exclusive she clammed up. So, now I'm stuck in limbo. At least I know I'm not alone.

 

Staying strong now will prepare you to stay strong when they come back, and they will. Usually it's when you are 99.9999999% over everything. As I said, these people know exactly how this idiotic game works.

 

You know, sometimes leaving civilization and living in the mountains in solitude doesn't seem like such a bad idea. At least if an animal friend gives you the silent treatment you can shoot them.

 

 

WTRANGER, i'm sorry she's doing this to you, is she doing this to you again? ughh it's sooooooo FRUSTRATING! - well, he usually does it when we're doing super good and i make a mistake or lose something, blows up and disappears on me...

 

you're not alone, here for you... it sucks that they're treating us like this, yes, i blamed myself lots of times but ya know i'm human, i make mistakes, when he makes mistakes, i don't do the silent treatment on him and if i did it's prob for like 30 minutes, i'm not perfect ya know...

 

have you tried to address this with her? she'll probably get pissed though, look what i did.. but i HAD to.. i don't even know now if i even have a bf. ughh

[wondering_girl]

Right, it really sucks when you realize that the person you loved is no longer part of your life and the only person you can really depend on is yourself.

 

yah jaggedroad no daily phonecalls, e-mails, hi hello's nothing. because they've given up simply because we called them out on their behavior, they ran as fast as they can... but we HAD to. or else they'll walk all over us.

[WTRanger]

I think what's the tough part is that since things are so silent, there is nothing for us to grab onto to understand why. At least if there was a brutal argument and you both said nasty things, well, then that's at least something you can hang your hat on as to why the silence. This? There's nothing but guesses. What makes it ten times harder is when people tell you the answer is so simple, yet it's not. It's not that easy. To walk away from someone you do care about over silence, that just doesn't seem correct.

 

There's a growing part of me to just break the silence once again. But this time punch below the belt, break the silence to end it once and for all. Just say every horrible thing I've ever thought about saying. Take everything she's ever confided in me and turn it against her. Just to give it a reason why she stay's icy silent. But every time I write that letter I just can't bring myself to send it. I know I would regret it the second after I hit send. Plus, that's what the other people want. They want us to end it for them. Save them the guilt. Well, nuts to that! This time they've got to deal with the fact that they look at themselves in the mirror every morning and know EXACTLY what they are doing. They might convince their friends, but deep down they can't escape the truth. That's what makes me smile at times like this. Knowing that I tried. Despite everything, I tried. I can live with that. Though, writing the nasty letter is therapeutic in itself.

 

Something in me tells me to take the high road and just let things go. But as we all are experiencing, letting things go when things are silent is really hard to mentally grasp. You try to keep yourself busy, but there are those moments in the early morning or late night, that you just can't avoid thinking about them. Those are the worst.

[WTRanger]

WTRANGER, i'm sorry she's doing this to you, is she doing this to you again? ughh it's sooooooo FRUSTRATING! - well, he usually does it when we're doing super good and i make a mistake or lose something, blows up and disappears on me...

 

you're not alone, here for you... it sucks that they're treating us like this, yes, i blamed myself lots of times but ya know i'm human, i make mistakes, when he makes mistakes, i don't do the silent treatment on him and if i did it's prob for like 30 minutes, i'm not perfect ya know...

 

have you tried to address this with her? she'll probably get pissed though, look what i did.. but i HAD to.. i don't even know now if i even have a bf. ughh

 

Yes, like you I stood up for myself. I called her on all of the BS of the past 8 months. She ran away to bury her head in the sand because that's how she deals with things. I let her know in a way that wasn't confrontational, but expressed my growing frustration and things that I've carried around. I wanted to clear the air before they turned against what I still feel is a great connection between two people. Hell, we road tripped one time at 18 hours in the car and we never had to turn the radio on. Now, I can't get her to even tell me to F-off. It's insanely frustrating. But, I've put my frustration to good use and each time I feel angry, I do something physical. Be it sit-ups, push-ups, hit the gym, go running, etc. I find myself being too tired after a while to really even care about thinking about her.

[Surfer Girl]

IMHO it has to be because the ex is not able to stand confrontation.... It is much easier to run away.... Not being able to express the feelings, and making it easier on them to not have to explain their feelings, whether it deals with guilt, not wanting to hurt you, being afraid, and how much easier it is to not to deal with it.....It is a coward way to be.... yet, those that can't deal with it can only handle it in the best way they know how... and that is running away from the problem and not confronting it.... It will follow them with every realtionship until they realize what they need to change......

[wondering_girl]

evening trueblue, how was your day at the office? mine was ehhhhhhhh ok, with the panic attacks in between, i guess i managed, just ate dinner.. blah! how's your day? oh yeah and googled those damn panic attacks (haha i'm a googler, and its a side effect of a break-up, isn't that something?) stupid chemicals lol.

 

i still can't get over the fact that she didn't call you either, it's like you're a second option - like she doesn't have anything else to do, excuse me - i hope she doesn't expect that when she's ready you're ready too.. ya know? that makes me mad, i still can't get over the tonsils issue and now the guy thing come on, and you were willing to overlook that right - yes because we blindly love. ya know? and that's just how we are.. you did not give her the silent treatment.

 

i totally agree with making me feel like a JERK when i tried to reach out not once but SEVERAL times and he still refuses to talk - i mean come on 4 years? i'm SORRY for me i kinda think that i have a contribution to this too, like i let him treat me like this for the first 3, and now the first time i call him out he runs as fast as he can.. trueblue, i hear you, you know i cannot watch everything i say and be scared to say that if i say this he's gonna go SILENT ya know, and this instance too - i asked myself i was like nah probably not it's not a big deal - well heck, i almost predicted it and see it blew up..... i misplaced something ya know? i didn't cheat on you, he's treating me like i committed something HUGE. but everytime when i said something he didn't like or whatever it is he pulled it...

 

i LOVE him so much but if he's not gonna speak i don't really want him back - because what, sometime next year i'm gonna be suffering again, seems like a yearly thing - like you said, i'm so HUNG up on everything that he did positive he almost completed my standards but we're lacking the most important thing and i think but he was so perfect and if only i had this THING checked ya kno? and i think i finally figured out why i'm having the hardest time to let go, i've known him for 9 years and dated for 4 and he's my FIRST love, i think that's it..it's sooooo hard. i don't even know where we stand, trueblue, i'm not gonna lie, deep down i wanna work things out but i can't also live like this in the future...

 

i'm on day 15 of NC and i really don't plan on calling him...i hope she wakes up and realizes that you're a guy that really cares trueblue.....because she is in the verge of loosing you, a person that cares.. i wish that i am as strong as you, i would love to just remove all the care in my heart and head.....

 

yah my days suck too, i can't believe this crap has taken so much toll on me, emotionally, mentally, and physically.....

 

anyway, do you watch football?

[wondering_girl]

Yes, like you I stood up for myself. I called her on all of the BS of the past 8 months. She ran away to bury her head in the sand because that's how she deals with things. I let her know in a way that wasn't confrontational, but expressed my growing frustration and things that I've carried around. I wanted to clear the air before they turned against what I still feel is a great connection between two people. Hell, we road tripped one time at 18 hours in the car and we never had to turn the radio on. Now, I can't get her to even tell me to F-off. It's insanely frustrating. But, I've put my frustration to good use and each time I feel angry, I do something physical. Be it sit-ups, push-ups, hit the gym, go running, etc. I find myself being too tired after a while to really even care about thinking about her.

 

man, i know WTH, we've met a couple of times but not under his TIME and all he did was stare at me (after 4 years) well heck i didn't know the moment i called you out you'll run away but i HAD to if not he'll keep walking all over me, just like you, i wasn't confrontational either since we did it over dinner - i wasn't yelling or whatever i just asked him "what did i ever do you to deserve to be treated like this - you're continuing to punish me, and it hurts.." and just telling him how i loved him blah blah i wanna work on this but i can't work on it by myself.... how long has it been WTRANGER??

 

so, i'm assuming you're left in the dark too after you asked her - she didn't say ANYTHING, NOT ALL? at our dinner all he told me was i didn't listen and towards the end he said.. guess i'm not ready to talk.. and just like you said i'm not gonna end it either we could just be quiet like this forever and it just shows complete disrespect of the relationship from them. who knows maybe i'll figure out from someone else when they ask where i am if he's out JERKSSS

[WTRanger]

She did her classic, I'll start to open up then when the conversation moves to something rough I'll run away. It's been over a week this time, but this crap has been happening on and off for a while now. At this point, I'm just over it.

 

I know I'm no saint, but at least I'm willing to try to keep an open line of communication. The hard part is knowing that all of this garbage could have been cleared months ago, but it just lays low for a few months and pops back up. It's like clockwork, but this time I'm not willing to reset and rewind the clock. I'll leave it dead.

[Magnolia5]

Hi wondering girl, I too am in a similar situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and last Wednesday we got into an argument and he told me to leave his house and that he never wants to see me again. He hasn't called me, which is unlike him after a major argument, so he really meant what he said. I have been so busy this past week with school work (I'm in college) and family in town (they just left), that it is finally hitting me right now. I have also been in denial, but as time goes on, I am realizing the chances that he will call are getting slimmer. Our relationship has been rocky the past few months because I think we have been growing apart. It's just so hard to accept, and I want to call him so much and at least talk this through, but I'm keeping NC. He has been my life for the past 4 years, and I don't even know how to begin to handle this. How can we just end 4 years without talking it through??!

 

Anyways, I know how you feel and, as bad as this sounds, it's comforting to know that someone else is going through this after 4 years. Best of luck to you and I hope you can find some peace within all this soon.

[WTRanger]

Reminds me of a story showing how useless the silent treatment is.

 

"A married couple has a giant fight and are giving each other the silent treatment." The man has to be up at 5am to catch a flight but not wanting to break the silence he writes a note to his wife that says, "Wake me at 5am." The next morning the man wakes up at 9am and realizes he missed his flight. He looks over to the nightstand and next to his note is a note from his wife, "It's 5am, wake up!"

[wondering_girl]

She did her classic, I'll start to open up then when the conversation moves to something rough I'll run away. It's been over a week this time, but this crap has been happening on and off for a while now. At this point, I'm just over it.

 

I know I'm no saint, but at least I'm willing to try to keep an open line of communication. The hard part is knowing that all of this garbage could have been cleared months ago, but it just lays low for a few months and pops back up. It's like clockwork, but this time I'm not willing to reset and rewind the clock. I'll leave it dead.

 

 

hi WTRanger, yea you're right in a matter of 4 years, we never discussed what went wrong, he would just come back like nothing happened and i let it slide.. did she do the same and re-appear? i wish i could be just like you and just be over it...... i guess i'm still hanging on the good times, how stupid of ME i know he won't change....

 

as far as me trying to initiate the communication, i'm not gonna do it we could just leave it dead just like you said i agree, did you initiate the communication before too? it always made me feel like crap and i felt like i disrespected myself ya know?

 

definitely agree about opening the line of communication, all i said was hey this is not cool that you're treating me like this WTH and they run-away...... UGGH frustrating, i wish i am as strong as you!! damnit, i shouldve called him out 3 years ago then i wouldn't have had this problem, it's good that you called her out earlyy

 

so no response yet?

[wondering_girl]

Hi wondering girl, I too am in a similar situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and last Wednesday we got into an argument and he told me to leave his house and that he never wants to see me again. He hasn't called me, which is unlike him after a major argument, so he really meant what he said. I have been so busy this past week with school work (I'm in college) and family in town (they just left), that it is finally hitting me right now. I have also been in denial, but as time goes on, I am realizing the chances that he will call are getting slimmer. Our relationship has been rocky the past few months because I think we have been growing apart. It's just so hard to accept, and I want to call him so much and at least talk this through, but I'm keeping NC. He has been my life for the past 4 years, and I don't even know how to begin to handle this. How can we just end 4 years without talking it through??!

 

hi magnolia, i'm sorry we're going through this - what happened? what did you guys argue about? - our relationship was fine actually - well i thought so, we were traveling, blah blah and then bam! i misplaced something i call him out on his silent treatment behavior for the FIRST TIME EVER and as you can see through all my posts he won't talk b/c i didn't go running to him now...... NC on 16 days after our "silent dinner" just like you i'm so caught OFF GUARD he just disappeared......

 

i really can't even follow or see anything right now because just like you i'm in denial and how could you just throw me away after FOUR years?? i feel like crap, have panic attacks and everything else..... how are you handling it magnolia? i just feel so rejected even though know it's his issue.. just like you said as days passed by i start to loose hope..... are you gonna reach out to him? just like me and WTRanger said, we're not. i don't want to disrespect myself.....

 

*hugs* - it is comforting like you said, wth is up with them?

[WTRanger]

In the past, I've opened the lines back up. But it's my own personal pet peeve that I refuse to match silence with silence. It's pointless and solves nothing. So after a week or so, I end up breaking the silence but at the same time I don't really let her know that I won't tolerate it anymore. So I take the blame for letting it go as long as it has.

 

But this time is going to be different. If you Google silent treatment, you'll get a load of resources on how to deal with it. Mainly, it's up to us to confront it as the people doing the silent mode won't get it. You have to let them know that you won't take any lame excuse any more, but at the same time you cant fix what's wrong if they aren't willing to talk. The key is that this is a one shot deal. This equation should be solved with the other person's input, but this equation can also be solved with a zero. Zero is a real number now. If they choose to maintain the silent treatment, it's done. If they still need space to think, they must pick a check in date. No check in, it's done.

 

However, you don't let them know it's this or that. You cannot give the ultimatum as it'll set them off. You just back away for good the next time they go silent. Like with a child, you must show them their behavior will not be tolerated. You've got to maintain a level head. Exploding on them is something they want us to do. It gives them a reason to say away. Don't give them an out. Confront them, but confront them with an olive branch. Diffuse the tension, but don't give them an out. If they choose to run, that's the answer and you must believe it this time.

 

So yea, that's where I'm at and why I'm feeling like I'm over this whole stupid situation.

[wondering_girl]

hi WTRanger, i usually don't open the lines back up he does. because i know that if i do he won't even talk he actually goes away even more - but just like you, i don't say anything about it, so we just go on but this time just like you, i HAD to call him out.

 

prior to speaking with him, i googled the silent treatment too, and just as recommended as i confronted him (of course in a non-confrontational way) to tell him hey i love you but it's not cool that you treat me like this, you're punishing me to extreme, etc. this that - shutting me out etc. after speaking my part he says he wasn't ready to talk so i was like ok when you ready then let me know it's been like 2 wks now - so he didn't even give me check in date...... it's like telling a KID you did something bad and then they ran as fast as they could, WTH?

 

i'm sorry WTRanger so i guess you've decided not to contact her right, i know we love these people but this silent treatment is immature. but i am NOT going to call, we could just be LIKE this.

 

oh yeah, so our mutual friends are throwing a party this wkend and i didn't really give her a straight answer, i guess she just assumed i'll go since the other day she sent out the invite and she texted me and was like aw your bf responded to the text i sent he's so FUNNY (heck, i'm glad he's actually taken a minute of his damn time to be funny to her but here i am feeling like crap and miserable because of your damn behavior) soo, talked to one of the girls and said, of course if he shows up by HIMSELF it's a reflex from them to ask where i'm at right - so heck, maybe i'll find out the status of our relationship that way -what a jerk.

[WTRanger]

hi WTRanger, i usually don't open the lines back up he does. because i know that if i do he won't even talk he actually goes away even more - but just like you, i don't say anything about it, so we just go on but this time just like you, i HAD to call him out.

 

prior to speaking with him, i googled the silent treatment too, and just as recommended as i confronted him (of course in a non-confrontational way) to tell him hey i love you but it's not cool that you treat me like this, you're punishing me to extreme, etc. this that - shutting me out etc. after speaking my part he says he wasn't ready to talk so i was like ok when you ready then let me know it's been like 2 wks now - so he didn't even give me check in date...... it's like telling a KID you did something bad and then they ran as fast as they could, WTH?

 

i'm sorry WTRanger so i guess you've decided not to contact her right, i know we love these people but this silent treatment is immature. but i am NOT going to call, we could just be LIKE this.

 

oh yeah, so our mutual friends are throwing a party this wkend and i didn't really give her a straight answer, i guess she just assumed i'll go since the other day she sent out the invite and she texted me and was like aw your bf responded to the text i sent he's so FUNNY (heck, i'm glad he's actually taken a minute of his damn time to be funny to her but here i am feeling like crap and miserable because of your damn behavior) soo, talked to one of the girls and said, of course if he shows up by HIMSELF it's a reflex from them to ask where i'm at right - so heck, maybe i'll find out the status of our relationship that way -what a jerk.

 

No, I am going to contact her. As I said, I refuse to play stupid games and match her silence with manufactured silence of my own. I am going to give her at least 2 weeks to sit and stew like a child, then I will try to regain normal human contact with her. This is where I'll say that I think this behavior is stupid, it won't happen again, and if she thinks this is the best way to solve our problems then I'm out of this relationship. I'll end it if she doesn't have the spine to. I'm tired of feeling like this. I really do care about this girl, but this time it's about me. I can't help if I can't talk, so if need be I'm out. Why should I wreck my life? I want to move forward, so if it means cutting her out as the anchor around my heart, then so be it. I don't want to see her go, but I can't keep her around like this either. It's way too toxic.

 

Don't play games with this guy either. The finding out through friends idea you have is a game. If you really want to know, ask him. He's had enough time to stew. If the doesn't give you an answer, actually he did give you an answer. Realize that his silence says more than he ever could. I know it's hard to wrap our heads around what the silence means, but it's about time we started to. You don't have long on this planet, why spend your time feeling like garbage? This stupid game is about a power stuggle. Don't give it to them. Try to get them to open up, but if they decide to stay quite then you must move on. Show them that you can live your life with or without them. It makes no difference to you. Sure, you can hurt in private. But keep a strong public face.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[wondering_girl]

hi WTRanger, i've taken that approach too - but he's been soo stubborn that he won't talk if it's not on HIS time. In our last conversation, i addressed this exact same thing you said - i told him this is not the way to solve our problems. (in a calm way, we were at dinner) and after me laying everything out in the table all he said was "i didn't listen" and that "he wasn't ready to talk" - was he expecting me to beg and cry? i didn't.

 

you're right i'm tired of feeling like this too - i'm just sad that the first time i'll call him out on his behavior he'll leave and if it's that's the case then i didn't want him anyway. as far as the friends thing, i don't have any desire to contact him anymore AT ALL that's why. so if i hear from them that he says - we don't talk anymore then FINE. but the more i try to contact him - i feel like i'm disrespecting myself.....

 

as hard as a pill to swallow, after 4 years just like you said, to realize that his silence says more than he ever could. it's disturbing to imagine that the "cool bf" had turned into this person that i would not want to be with.

 

keep me updated WTRanger, i thought it's only guys that do this - i hope everything works out. this is utterly selfish of them.

[WTRanger]

Humans do this tactic. It's not limited to genders. It's something these people have fundamentally picked up on as a child. Believe me, this behavior doesn't pop up over night. He's probably aching for you to talk. That's what he wants.

 

But you've got to reinforce that this little bitch passive aggressive silent treatment crap has got to stop and will no longer be tolerated if he wants to remain in a relationship with you.

 

If you contact him DO NOT apologize for anything. Just try to get the ball rolling by talking about what's wrong, that you are noticing this behavior and it's not right. You need to tell him that you are feeling confused and hurt by this behavior and you only want to solve the issues at hand so the two of you can move on and grow with each other in the future. You can't attack him. This isn't the venue to say, he did this, he did that, etc. Keep it strictly to what you are feeling. Don't assume his feelings either. Don't say that he must feel a certain way because you don't know that.

 

If he's still playing the child's role after that, then give him the ultimatum. Let him know the relationship cannot survive in silence. It's either he talks or you walk. Then, if he so chooses you walk and you never look back.

[wondering_girl]

morning WTRanger, how are you today? have you contacted her?

 

our "silent dinner" 2 1/2 weeks ago (before that he made contact but couldn't go and went to his family thing but i still didn't brush it off, i CAN'T) and this is when i laid everything out on the table for him.. we went out to eat so i didn't do the whole confrontational thing at all and i'm not like that anyway - i just talked in a very calm way, some of the things i said was that i told him that shutting me out doesn't solve the conflict that we have and that it hurts me a lot and that he's punishing me for what i did and that this is not a healthy way for us to solve problems - i told him i understood that everyone needs their alone time but this time i felt like it was excessive, i misplaced something and he didn't contact me for 2 weeks.. i told him i want to work on this but i cannot work on it by myself

 

so i left it at that... and after all what i said he just said i didn't listen and "guess i'm not ready to talk" after that i simply walked away and have not called him since - i'm thinking just like you said the "silence" says more than he ever could. i didn't know that he could be cruel after 4 years - i guess people change, i'm having the HARDEST time accepting it, but i guess i have to. i don't really have the desire to call him knowing that night the last thing i told him was "when you're ready to talk, i'm here" - and sent him a text as well the same night so.... that's about it from me.

 

good luck with your gf too - and you know they are really cool people to be around with - fits everything in my checklist but the most important thing "communication" is what we don't have and without that sad to say - we're pretty much doomed. i NEED to be as strong as YOU.