silent break up?

[Magnolia5]

hi magnolia, i'm sorry we're going through this - what happened? what did you guys argue about? - our relationship was fine actually - well i thought so, we were traveling, blah blah and then bam! i misplaced something i call him out on his silent treatment behavior for the FIRST TIME EVER and as you can see through all my posts he won't talk b/c i didn't go running to him now...... NC on 16 days after our "silent dinner" just like you i'm so caught OFF GUARD he just disappeared......

 

i really can't even follow or see anything right now because just like you i'm in denial and how could you just throw me away after FOUR years?? i feel like crap, have panic attacks and everything else..... how are you handling it magnolia? i just feel so rejected even though know it's his issue.. just like you said as days passed by i start to loose hope..... are you gonna reach out to him? just like me and WTRanger said, we're not. i don't want to disrespect myself.....

 

*hugs* - it is comforting like you said, wth is up with them?

 

Hi wondering girl, how are you holding up today?? I hope each day is beginning to look better for you.

 

Well, for me and the ex, I think it was inevitable that we were going to break up because we lost communication over the past few months with one another. We couldn't do anything but argue and I became miserable. However, I'm upset because there was no conversation about this-- we got into an argument, he said "I never want to see you again" and that was it apparently. He hasn't called me and it's been 8 days. I just thought that if we were ever to break up, it would be more civil than saying goodbye during a blow up argument. He's been my life for the past 4 years.

 

But our situation is different because I saw this coming. You had no idea and that's just devastating, but I've been there and I hope this helps:

 

My ex played the silent treatment game with me so many times too, and each time I had to drive to his house (after a day of silent treatment when I couldn't take it anymore) and knock and wait at his door until he decided he would speak to me. That's called: CONTROL. I would become physically ill before I went to his house because I was so scared he would break up with me over a really stupid fight. I would cry so hard when he wouldn't answer his phone because I couldn't understand why he would do this after I "pissed him off" over something that most people wouldn't even think twice about. He would just blow up if I said something or did something he didn't approve of. But I always ended up apologizing and he would drag on an attitude for another day and then usually things would go back to "normal".

 

But you know what? I never forgot each silent treatment game he played. Each time this happened, I resented him more and more until I reached my current point, where a part of me feels relieved that I never have to go through that again.

 

If I had never physically gone to his door and pretty much begged him to forgive me for whatever I had done to upset him, I would be in your exact position. I don't believe he would have called me and let it drag on forever. He could do that, but I couldn't.

 

I don't know if your boyfriend did this, but mine hung up on me whenever I said something that he didn't want to hear. It would infuriate me to no end, and he knew this but still did it. For example, we couldn't agree on a movie to see so I would say "we went to two of your movies last week" and he would say "you wanted to see those movies too, don't blame this on me" and we would talk about it and he would just hang up when he didn't want to hear it anymore. Of course I would call him back and he wouldn't answer, thus leading to the SILENT TREATMENT.

 

Okay, sorry for all the information and ranting, but I just hope some of this helps you to see that he is showing controlling behavior and you do NOT deserve this. No one deserves to be put through this. This isn't what love is.

 

*hugs to you!*

[Magnolia5]

Also, sorry I didn't answer your questions. No I am not going to contact him because if I did, it would just open my heart back up to being hurt again. Plus, if he rejects me and what I have to say, I would have to deal with that on top of everything else.

 

I am just letting it be and I hope whatever decision you choose works out the best for you. I don't recommend contacting him though because everyone here (who has had experience) seems to be very much for NC.

 

As far as the panic attacks, I actually had those in June when things started going downhill for us, but I was also dealing with a death in the family and some other things that were contributing to the attacks. Anyway, they are AWEFUL. Just horrible, so I am so sorry you are having them.

 

I am currently making a list of everything that I disliked about our relationship and all the times he made me feel horrible about myself. When I feel lonely and depressed, I pull it out and realize that I am better off now.

 

Also, I don't know how old you are, but I'm in my young 20's so I am still finding out who I really am. I am going to start doing things that I have always wanted to do and do them for ME, not him. I am going to get out there and live life by my own standards. Maybe you can do this too and just be selfish for a little bit- I mean for the last 4 years, have you really done something completely just for yourself? I haven't. He was always there to have an opinion about what I was doing and now I don't have to worry about that. I can go visit an out of town friend or family for the weekend and not have to check with him first.

 

4 years is a long time to be attached to someone, but the ties can be broken. Just think, at least you didn't marry this man and find out who he really is 25 years down the road and 2 kids later. You know?

[wondering_girl]

hi magnolia, how was your day today?

 

how are you feeling with everything, you know when i read your post, it's almost as you could write my problem with my ex-bf it's crazy.. this is the quote that especially stood out to me......

 

"My ex played the silent treatment game with me so many times too, and each time I had to drive to his house (after a day of silent treatment when I couldn't take it anymore) and knock and wait at his door until he decided he would speak to me. That's called: CONTROL. I would become physically ill before I went to his house because I was so scared he would break up with me over a really stupid fight. I would cry so hard when he wouldn't answer his phone because I couldn't understand why he would do this after I "pissed him off" over something that most people wouldn't even think twice about. He would just blow up if I said something or did something he didn't approve of. But I always ended up apologizing and he would drag on an attitude for another day and then usually things would go back to "normal".

 

*magnolia it broke my HEART reading this, it's as almost as ALL the silent treatment episodes we had came back in my head..... you're right everytime when pulled it i'd be sooo SCARED that he'll break up with me over it. but i don't go back to him though i would just say i'm sorry but wait for him to contact me and everything will be "OK" and you know what, this time i misplaced something and the whole thing has BLOWN up into a huge thing because of his behavior. and you know the whole "pissed him off" part yes definitely people wouldn't even think about twice - if i said something he didn't like, made a mistake or whatever.. and just like you all those times i came back and apologize - but he still wouldn't TAKE ME BACK when he wanted to. - how horrible, i thought a relationship was a two way street? wtf. i simply misplaced something, he treated me like i cheated on him. it's horrible... just like you, i was thinking hey we've shared our lives together for the past four years so i guess he wouldn't just leave like this - i guess it's not one of his treatments - it's the way he's gonna shut me out, i really don't feel the need to try to get in touch with him i don't wanna see his face and plus there's no USE of trying to talk it out it's already broken.

 

but this time, was different magnolia, as soon as he pulled the treatment, our argument started on the phone just like you said he got mad and hung up on me, and i called him and was like hey - that's not cool i know you're mad but don't disrespect me.... tried to make ammends first couple of days after no response - 2 1/2 weeks he contacts - then i couldn't go - went to family thing (he acted like nothing happened, i didn't let him) - went to dinner about 2 1/2 weeks ago (my call) after that.. here i am still in silence. our "silent dinner" i just talked to him calmly how his behavior hurt me and i asked him "what did i do to you to deserve this, it feels like you're continuing to punish me" i want to work on this but i cannot work on this by myself... so after just talking to him, he barely said 3 words to me babe all he told me was "he didn't listen" and towards the end he said "guess he wasn't ready to talk" so here i am left alone in the dark but as day passes by - the hope continues to fade away....i'm in my mid 20's and he's in his early 30's so it's not like we're kids ya know...

 

how are you telling yourself to forget all the good memories in the whole four years? i could actually see a future with him but after him pulling this behavior i'm even scared of him now, and we shouldn't be scared of our SO's...

 

let's help together through this, i'm just having the HARDEST time getting him out of my head.. and the panic attacks are horrible, ya know like right now i'm okay but sometimes my chest would start to tigthen and i get nervous and anxious for no reason

[Magnolia5]

Hi wondering girl, I'm so glad you can relate to what I posted.

 

After reading your post, I believe you are now where I was 9 months to 1 year ago. If we had ended our relationship a year ago, I would have been devastated like you are right now. I wouldn't be able to get out of bed and I would be having panic attacks. But I just couldn't take it anymore and I have withdrawn myself emotionally from him these past few months. I have a feeling you might have done the same if you stayed in the relationship another year or so. I just think it's inevitable. Let's face it: it's emotional abuse. It's not okay to "walk on eggshells" in a relationship.

 

The fact that this has happened over a misplaced item is sooo typical. It's the perfect excuse for them to flip out and make you feel like crap. Like you're not good enough to keep track of something, so therefore you deserve the silent treatment.

You don't ever deserve the silent treatment.

 

And yes, just like you said, he acted like you cheated on him--every time my ex did the silent treatment it was like I had cheated on him or something. He knows I would never go there, but here's a insane story: when we first started dating (6 months), he literally flipped out at his family's Easter party because I was talking with his cousin for 15 minutes-- he thought I was flirting with him!!!! I never looked at my ex the same after that and looking back (knowing that it wouldn't have worked anyway), I should have dumped him on the spot. But he left the party, I followed him home, and begged and cried for him to forgive me and told him I would never talk to his cousin again. He gave me the silent treatment for one day.

 

It's funny you mention disrespect when he hung up on you because that's exactly how I felt. It's so disrespectful. He hung up on me at least 3 times a month, and in 4 years I never hung up on him once.

 

Your dinner sounds rough. He didn't want to talk to you at dinner, I suppose, because he wanted to call the shots. It had to be on HIS time, but he was fine stringing you along and wasting your time. It just sounds so controlling. Ugh.

 

The good times do pop into my head, but I just immediately think of all the crappy times we had together and I really do feel better. It might be easier for me because these past few months I can only think of a handful of good times we had together. The good memories that I do think of are the times we traveled together and those make me sad, but I just think of those bad memories.

 

Yes we should talk this though together and help each other, and I really do hope it gets much easier for you soon. This NC thing is so helpful. I know that feeling of the panic attacks coming on, but you should know that they will absolutely go away as time goes on. I know that isn't great news, but it's hopeful. Take care *hugs*

[wondering_girl]

hi magnolia5 - how are you doing today babe?

 

thanks so much for the response - as i read your posts, i just become so increasingly disturbed with their behavior - as hard as it is of a pill to swallow, something was wrong with him - i guess i was trying to hard and even now i still do it if he could only change this ONE thing about him he'd be perfect but ya know what i guess it's about control...it's sick though, why would you treat someone you love like that...

 

why would he flip out that you were talking to his cousin!!! ugh, how horrible is that? you were just trying to talk to his family - girl, i don't know about your ex but with him, i can go there and beg and cry but if he doesn't want to fix it at that time he's not gonna budge. last time i saw him with our dinner, i didn't cry at all, i don't know if that's what he expected me to do, nor did i beg i just talked to him in a rational "what did i do to you to deserve this manner".... and told him that when he's ready to talk, i'm here.

 

as far as our relationship we were doing fine this year, actually this year at all he hasn't done the silent treatment well - now he's doing it and i actually don't know where we stand anymore - and i shouldn't analyze it right? ugh, it's horrible it's been 3 weeks since our silent dinner so i guess i should really really GET A CLUE. most of my friends are telling me to go there and seek a "CLOSURE" but there's really no use. it seems like both of us just shut down or unless he's playing some sick game still? it makes me feel like you said crap and nothing, girl i misplaced something and we have gone back and forth and it's blown up to something big because of his behavior....

 

a couple of "weird" just like you said people won't even think twice he gave me silent treatment one time because we were late to go somewhere and i didn't tell him to hurry up, minor household things (although we didn't live together) and one time i called him and he was just all ugly while i just wanted to say hi and he ignored me for like a week and a half (during graduate school - added on to more stress i have) and then shows up and calls me during my graduation and act like nothing happened....

 

the thing that hurts the most is that it caught me off guard.. this year was going good for us, we did a lot of traveling and spending some time together but ya know what's weird, before i told him that i misplaced the thing i actually thought to myself "is he gonna get mad" and i was like "ehh probably not" and who would've known i knew it! he got quiet and for the first time i was like hey don't hang up on me that's disrespectful.... i've talked to him how i've felt during our "silent dinner" so i guess i've said my peace......

 

definitely let's help each other on this magnolia - i just HATE that sometimes i'm feeling GOOD and relieved that he doesn't make contact or SOMETIMES even SAD..... wth is that i can't make up my mind, and i keep telling myself i deserve better but somewhere in there it's not clear yet, i can still see CLOUDS. and i hate that my feelings are still strong and ya know my friends keep asking me, what would YOU do if he makes contact...

 

what would YOU do?

 

any plans this wkend?

[Magnolia5]

Hey wondering girl, I'm not so good today. How are you doing??

 

I was fine this morning and early afternoon and all of the sudden I just broke into tears when I thought about him. I guess because it's approaching Friday night and naturally I thought about what we were going to this weekend. I feel so nauseous and dizzy- like I'm going to throw up any minute. I guess it will be a long night of crying.

 

Yes I agree, if this one thing could be changed, he would be perfect. But this is a part of his personality-- there is no changing.

 

That is EXACTLY how I'm feeling too-- I feel so GOOD that he isn't contacting me sometimes but then I'll feel so sad/confused/angry that he's not. I keep telling myself too that I deserve better but I can't imagine myself with someone else. I'm so scared because some people here have said they still feel like this after like 6 months. I can't handle that.

 

I would NOT "go there" and get closure. For what point? For him to take you back and pretend everything is normal? That is why I'm not contacting him. Plus, I can't imagine hearing his voice. I'm 9 days into this horrible process and I'm not going back to day 1. I mean, chances are really good that this will happen again if you decide to get back with him, you know? It's happened before, it will happen again. You don't deserve that!!!!!

 

No plans this weekend. We spent all our free time together. I stayed here at the local university and all my good friends moved away. It was just me and him all the time. But I'm an A student so I study a lot and I have to volunteer often because my major requires it, so I'm keeping busy that way. It's my senior year, so I will be going to graduate school in about another year so I'm just looking forward to moving away.

 

What are your plans this weekend??

[wondering_girl]

hi magnolia, i'm ok i guess - but you know, as driving home from work i got all sad because he usually calls and asks me what we're doing this weekend......during the 1st 2 weeks that's how i felt like i was so nauseous, dizzy and felt like throwing up too its such a horrible feeling, although after 3 weeks, i still cry myself to sleep and when i think about the good times i MISS him so much.

 

I can definitely relate with what you said - i cannot imagine myself with someone else either man i have no IDEA anymore and just like you said, i spent all my free time with him and now that he's gone i don't know what to do with myself - and then i WONDER does he miss me too cause he doesn't have any friends really - he just hangs out by himself... yeah the whole 6 months deal that is scary i don't wanna feel like this for 6 months it is such a horrible feeling and i feel like i'm in HELL.

 

how did you go upon eliminating that HOPE that he'll contact you, this crap usually happens to me on the wkends.. during the wkdays not so much.... yeah, that's what i told em, and plus the last thing i said to him and texted as well was that when he was ready i'm here so i guess he's not read yet.. hell, i don't know or he probably left me with the SILENT treatment, how awful is that after 4 years...

 

being an A student is awesome, i finished grad school 2 years ago and now i'm just working.... what are you studying?

 

have a good weekend, i'm going to be checking in here so i'm sure im gonna need to vent, thanks so much for listening, i'm so SORRY that we feel this way, i just can't get over the WHOLE FOUR YEARS deal - and i don't know my feelings are still strong for him.... are yours?

 

*HUGS*

[Magnolia5]

hi magnolia, i'm ok i guess - but you know, as driving home from work i got all sad because he usually calls and asks me what we're doing this weekend......during the 1st 2 weeks that's how i felt like i was so nauseous, dizzy and felt like throwing up too its such a horrible feeling, although after 3 weeks, i still cry myself to sleep and when i think about the good times i MISS him so much.

 

I can definitely relate with what you said - i cannot imagine myself with someone else either man i have no IDEA anymore and just like you said, i spent all my free time with him and now that he's gone i don't know what to do with myself - and then i WONDER does he miss me too cause he doesn't have any friends really - he just hangs out by himself... yeah the whole 6 months deal that is scary i don't wanna feel like this for 6 months it is such a horrible feeling and i feel like i'm in HELL.

 

how did you go upon eliminating that HOPE that he'll contact you, this crap usually happens to me on the wkends.. during the wkdays not so much.... yeah, that's what i told em, and plus the last thing i said to him and texted as well was that when he was ready i'm here so i guess he's not read yet.. hell, i don't know or he probably left me with the SILENT treatment, how awful is that after 4 years...

 

being an A student is awesome, i finished grad school 2 years ago and now i'm just working.... what are you studying?

 

have a good weekend, i'm going to be checking in here so i'm sure im gonna need to vent, thanks so much for listening, i'm so SORRY that we feel this way, i just can't get over the WHOLE FOUR YEARS deal - and i don't know my feelings are still strong for him.... are yours?

 

*HUGS*

 

Hey wondering girl, I just spoke with my sister and she said the first 2 weeks are the worst too. How did you handle the first 2 weeks? Are you still just as depressed now, or have you made any progress? I can't function feelings like this. I have to be somewhere tomorrow morning so this isn't good. I still feel like throwing up any minute.

 

Mine doesn't really have any friends either, so I have to believe he is missing me a lot. He just hangs out with himself or his family when he isn't at work because he's not a social person. He is shy. That's another issue- I have lost his family and his mom and me were close. We haven't spoke and I hope we don't have to - it would be too hard. But why hasn't he called me if he's missing me?!?! He's never done this before, like you said.

 

I gave up hope because within 4 years, we have never gone more than 2 days without talking. I was always the one to run back to him when we went longer than 2 days. Usually he would call within the first day and if not, I would assume it's silent treatment and I would call him and if he wouldn't pick up I would go to his house. None of that has happened. Plus, he told me he never wants to see me again- he hasn't ever said that to me before.

 

If you texted him and told him you were here when he is ready then that's a different story. He might be waiting until he truly is ready, but 3 weeks is a LONG time to do that. Way more than enough, in my opinion. And yes that is awful after 4 years for him to do this to you. Can you EVER imagine doing this to him? That's what gets me so mad.

 

That's great that you finished grad school! What did you study? My major is social work.

 

I'm going to be checking in here often this weekend too. Thank you for listening to me too! I can't believe our stories are so similar. I can only dump my feelings on my friends so much, so this is really helping a lot. And yeah, the four years is killing me too. It's horrible. I wish this would have happened within the first year, but it didn't. I have to believe everything happens for a reason.

 

Thanks again and hugs to you.

[wondering_girl]

hi magnolia - are we dating the same guy? ! hehe. i just got back from the gym.. have you tried that? it kinda helps but we used to work out together too - so today i was running on the treadmill and i looked and he wasn't there. ugh, that kinda made me sad, i go with a gf now - i just run to kinda picture that i'm running away from everything......

 

his first attempt to contact was 2 weeks from the issue and that was absolute hell and it just went downhill from there. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, i lost so much weight and i felt like throwing up most of the time just like you... and i woke up at 6 am with panic attacks i guess i was soo scared that he was gonna leave me for something petty like this - because at that point all i could see was MY FAULT of misplacing the thing. so after his first attempt he texted "we still have some things left unsaid between us if you're ready to discuss, let's do dinner" well i then texted him can we do the beach? and he's like nah, let's do lunch instead so i couldn't do lunch because my family had a bday thing or my sister i was gonna cancel but i was like you know - nah he'll understand so i come over and i'm like hey i'm here let's go he's like no we're gonna have to re-schedule.. magnolia he was watching tv. how AWFUL did i feel that day and you know how they are when they're mad they make you feel like you're NOTHING. did he do that you too? calls and texts monday to go to his sister's dinner and i did.. he tried to act like nothing happened but i didn't let him ya know - he treated me like crap on sunday.. so anyway that week was the silent dinner... and now i'm here i still have PANIC ATTACKS those are awful, i can eat now though, i STILL think about him, and i'm out in the cold, a part of me is taking this as this is it but i'm not gonna lie - there is a little part that says no this not..... but it's been DRAGGED ON WAY TOO LONG with the push - pull.

 

 

yah most of our friends are married they hang within themselves i guess, and he's shy too and not social (and believe it or not, i think i have turned into him, that's why when he left i didn't even know who the heck i was) yes he stays at home too, i still hang out with his sister though, she's going through a break up too and we're like wth seriously at the same time? i thought it was gonna be bad but she really has no one to talk to either and she told me that pictures are still up in his room, and he just stays in there and doesn't really go out (ok, if you hate me, why don't you take those down?) i'm just like you, he has to be missing me....

 

 

was your argument bad magnolia? did you say something to him after he said i never wanna see you again? did you just walk away?

 

yes, i feel like 3 weeks is WAYYYYYY to LONG, i don't know what's up i'm out in the cold and plus the issue has been dragged on as well - this wkend our mutual friends is throwing a party and i told my friend that if he shows up there by himself of course they're gonna ask where i am.. so maybe he'll answer "we're not together anymore" then i'll find out my official break-up from someone else (how awful is that)

 

magnolia, since THIS is the first time that i called out his behavior on the first four years - i was just wondering, what made you not call him out like on year 1? i know i didn't until now - i was just scared and i didn't think it was too bad until when i start to realize it's awful...

 

thanks so much for listening...

[JustYourGuy]

I'm thankful I found this thread! I am in a very similar situation. I'm gay and with my boyfriend for 4 years 5 months. We had a fight 3 days after his birthday. The issue I have with him is his communication. Now I'm not demanding, I don't demand we talk everyday or see each other every weekend. We live in the same city, about 5 or 6 miles apart. The first few years were awesome! We go out on weekends, we go places. On year 3 and 4 of the relationship, that's when the rocky part started. This year, 2009, we have yet to go out on a weekend. I had invited him several times but every time he would tell me he's busy and he would just say, "Let's go out to lunch on a weekday." Now I don't have a problem with having lunch with him on a workweek but it's just that I want to spend more than an hour with him, that's why I invite him on weekends. I would suggest places we can go to, like the beach, museums, exploratoriums, mall, etc but he does not want to. So I said, OK fine. No big deal. Going back to issue of communication, he rarely responds to any of my emails or texts. When he does respond, it would be so short as if he's telling me, "I don't care." Then I found out he's been flying to other states without telling me. I mean, yes, I'm not going to forbid you from traveling to places you want to go. If you want to go alone, fine, but at least inform me. He would be MIA for about 4 days. He's done this at least 3 times now. And when I call him to ask him about it, he won't pick up. And when he comes back and I ask him about it, he would just say, "Oh I went there, saw my aunt." That short a response. I ask him what did you do? I mean I'm not interrogating him, I just want him to you know tell me a little bit of what he did there, what he saw, did he take pictures, did he enjoy himself, you know what I'm saying. His lack of communication with me made me feel like he's brushing me off, he put me on the sidelines, he blatantly disregarded me. I'm not asking to be his number one priority, I'm just begging for some quality time with him. I have talked to him about this several times, and he has yet to air his side.

 

On his birthday, I went up to his work and gave him a bday card and asked if we could go out, maybe a short dinner or something to celebrate. Then he told me, he can't because he's taking his mother out to dinner. Then after about 5 minutes, while we were in the car, he changed his story and said, he and his family are going to watch a 3-hour show. The show is like a circus with comedy, maybe like cirque de soleil. So I believed him. Then he promised me we would go out on Sunday, if not Monday. Later in the night of his bday, about past 10 PM that same day, one of his girl friends posted pictures of him where there are balloons that say Happy Birthday. He was with 2 of his girl friends and the boyfriend of on the girl friends. I felt kinda left out. Because he knows how much I wanted to spend time and celebrate his bday. I told him I want to be there on his bday. He did not even bother to text me and invite over. Then they went to a gay bar. I don't know up to what time they stayed there. Then I called and textd him on the weekend about this and he did not respond. He ignored me... AGAIN.

 

Then Sunday came. No text. No call. Then finally Monday. I texted him and asked him if we will be going out, if he will meet me. He did not respond for a few hours. At that time I can sense that he will flake on me. I insisted. Then I went to his office again. BTW, we used to work together for the same company, just different departments. When he saw me, he had this face as if he felt irritated seeing me there. And then we got to his car. He kept telling me he has to go home and fix his things. Then his story changed later. He said he really needs to be there at the place he's going to. Sounded as if he's meeting somebody. He did not tell me though. But I'm pretty sure. Then I told him I snooped on his voicemail and found 12 saved messages from 3 different guys asking him to go out for movie and dinner. Most of these voicemails, if not all, were dated the first week of September and my bday is Sept 1 and we did not do anything for my bday! So I asked him who these guys were and if he ever cheated on me. I also thought maybe these guys are just friends. Yeah, maybe they are. But then I thought, maybe that's why he does not want to go out with me on the weekends because he goes out with these guys. It does not seem that the guys know each other. Now I do not have a problem with him spending time with other people, but come on! How about me? And what really irates me is this one voicemail where the guy said, "Hey, I'm just finishing up some laundry, I was thinking we should catch the 6:15 PM showing then maybe have dinner after...OK call me". Then there's another voicemail from a different guy that said, "Hey, I'm in front of your house, goodnight, I hope you're feeling better." And mind you, this specific voicemail was dated on a Wednesday or Thursday and the time is 12:05 AM. Past midnight!!!!! After hearing all these voicemails, that's when I started to think, maybe he's cheating. Then yeah, I confronted him about it and boy HE GOT SO MAD HE WAS READY TO PUNCH ME! I'VE NEVER FELT SO THREATENED IN MY LIFE. HE WAS SHOUTING AT ME AND TELLING ME TO GET OUT OF HIS CAR. You know what I did? I BEGGED HIM TO CALM DOWN AND I SAID SORRY MANY TIMES. I APOLOGIZED FOR SNOOPING. THEN HE SAID, "WHAT ELSE CAN I DO, YOU'VE DONE IT ALREADY?" I felt like he turned the situation against me. There I was, crying and begging him to listen to me. Instead of him defending himself, telling me that he is not doing anything wrong, there he was shouting at me. I TOLD I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND I AM SO SORRY. AND THEN HE SAID, "YOU WANT CLOSURE? I'LL GIVE YOU CLOSURE. WE'RE OVER. DONE." Then he said, I LOVE YOU BUT IM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. Then I asked since when. He did not say anything. I got out of the car crying, feeling helpless, feeling rejected, feeling stepped upon. I KNOW HE STILL LOVES ME. I KNOW THAT.

 

And now he's in New York city for the weekend. Who knows what's he doing there? Maybe he's with somebody? Maybe's he's trying to cool off. On mhis myspace, his mood is CRUSHED. He even took down his main profile picture on his facebook. I called him 3 times already and texted him. I said, I'm sorry and please forgive me and I miss you, I dont want to lie to myself and say I dont miss you. I also said, if you want to talk or hang out, I'm here.

 

I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG. SNOOPING WAS WRONG. BUT AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS OF ALMOST ZERO COMMUNICATION, OF HIM DISTANCING HIMSELF, I FELT COMPELLED TO INVESTIGATE HIM. IT'S EITHER HIM TELLING ME THE TRUTH OR ME FINDING IT OUT. I FELT THAT HE HAS LIED TO ME SEVERAL TIMES AND THAT JUST MEANS HE DOES NOT TRUST ME.

 

I still love him...very much. I have never fallen out of love with him. I'm still hoping we could work it out. But I'm starting to lose hope. I'm now just aiming for his forgiveness for what my snooping on his voicemail. We were exclusive. He was actually the first one to tell me we are exclusive. I have all the Hallmark cards he gave me. In them he wrote, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, I'M YOURS EXCLUSIVELY, NO MATTER WHAT SIDE YOU'RE ON I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU.

 

I MISS HIM!!!!!!!

[JustYourGuy]

I keep on watching Whitney Houston's

Didn't We Almost Have It All http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN1eYW617uw

 

and Where Do Broken Hearts Go

 

and I Learned From The Best http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtlNg83Dw1Y

Edited October 3, 2009 by JustYourGuy

[Magnolia5]

I was just going to say, "are we dating the same man?!" lol they are so similar. I actually joined a gym about 2 months ago and thank God I did. It's been helping a lot and gives me something to look forward to every day.

 

That is just horrible that he was watching tv and shows what little effort he put into fixing your relationship. He just wanted to play mind games with you, probably because he knew you would take it (trust me, I was plenty guilty of that). Not this time though. It's also HORRIBLE that you have to find out the status of your relationship through mutual friends- that is NOT okay.

 

And yes I know exactly how that is when they're mad about something so petty and they make you feel like you are nothing. He just sat there and would watch tv and wouldn't even look up at me to say hi when I walked in the door. So disrespectful. We would sit in silence until I would say something and he basically ignored me. So I just always left his house. Eventually I became hardened and just didn't give a crap anymore.

 

The argument was about how I've "changed" because, I admit, I've become a lot more open minded over the years through college and couldn't understand his way of tainted thinking about people and how life was supposed to be. (He didn't go to college.) But I never imposed my thoughts on him and made him think a certain way. I would just express my opinion and he couldn't accept it.

When he told me he never wanted to see me again, I said "oh. well that's nice." because I was shocked and angry from our argument so I just walked out the door. I didn't think it was really him breaking up with me, but obviously it was.

 

I didn't call him out on the 1st year, because like you said, I was scared to leave him and I didn't think it was that bad until it got awful. I have a fear of being alone and never marrying so it was that fear of mine that caused me to put up with his crap. Plus I loved him so much I couldn't imagine my life without him.

 

I forget if you mentioned this, but when is that party that he is supposed to be at?

[machimoo]

This is a really helpful thread to read, although I have to admit I haven't read the last two pages of posts....there are so many people in this situation!

 

I am right there as well! My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 2 years, and in the past 6 months or so he's just cut me out. It gets better, then he backs off again, then lets me in again, then backs off again. It's now at a point where he barely even talks to me anymore and we live together! It's SO hurtful!

 

The more I read up about passive aggressive behaviour, the more I see that it fits what my boyfriend does. If he does something to upset me, he doesn't accept responsibility for it and either shuts me out completely and doesn't say a thing, or more recently his knee-jerk reaction is to say it's not working and we're not right for each other. But then he'll turn around the next day and say that he loves me and wants to work this out. It's very confusing!

 

I think the messages here have been so positive and helpful - the most important thing is to concentrate on yourself and live your life. Observe their behviour, observe your own, identify the triggers that cause you to react in a certain way and when that situation arises again, behave differently!

 

Issues are 80% self work, and only 20% worked out with the other person. This is because if you go into an issue with high emotions, you may very well end up aggravating the situation. So I write a lot of letters to my boyfriend (but don't show them to him) in order to release some of those emotions.

 

At the moment I'm just backing off and doing my own thing as much as possible. Like others on this thread, I am concerned that he may just not feel the same way about me anymore but doesn't have the guts to break things off....or he is going through a really hard time in himself and as he is a highly inexpressive person, he doesn't know how to share it with me.

 

Thank you everyone for sharing, it has been really helpful!!!

[wondering_girl]

hey girls - how was your weekend??

 

hi magnolia, how are you doing? guess what? well, instead of finding out from mutual friends guess who texted me saturday night saying "are you going to the party tomm?" as being the big person as i am in the relationship, i said sure so he said 2ish so i go to his house and i walked in just like you said in your previous post - i walked in and he didn't even say anything i was like hey (no respond, excuse me - disrespected again) then when we were driving i was like babe, are you still angry with me? and he's like just drive.. it was so awful i felt like he was trying soo damn hard to even be pissed anyhow, we acted pretty civil in the party not a lot of talking but when he answered it's just short words - but pretty much hang out separately with girls/boys or what not... so towards the end of the night, we were driving and i guess i had a lot of emotions bottled up i cried (UGGGGGH, i know!! im mad) asked him what is going on, why are you angry with me, again magnolia with a straight face - nothing, no answer, silence.. it's like well why did you even care if i'm there or not - he's the kind of the person that would be brave enough to say "oh, we're not together anymore" it's like he tried so damn hard to be pissed at me..... now, i seriously don't know what does he want from me...the situation has been dragged on so damn long - i can't even look at him the same anymore he looks stupid to me.. but as of now, i'll just let him act stupid by himself. any updates from this weekend?

 

hi machimoo, what i'm trying to ask now is - is it worth it to go through this? as times passed by, i have soooooo much love for him, yet he's toxic.. any updates from this weekend?

Edited October 5, 2009 by wondering_girl

[almita]

Hello wondering girl... wow so you met him now ?? That must have been tough for you.

 

I know how you feel, we expect so much from the situation and then nothig really happens or we read it all wrong...

 

I met my ex again last night at a large closing beach party, I had a great time and he was completely drunk, he came up to the bar and hugged me from behind I was quite in shock because only 2 days ago did he say that he wouldn't mind if he didn't hear from me in months.

My freinds said he looked sad at the party which git my hopes up but I know him he is so bloody stubborn/passive/agressive and I I think he can't help it.

 

I believe it is true what one of the previous posts said it is 80% work on ourselves and 20 for them, they will not change if we love them and want them I guess we have to find a way to deal with this.

 

Ok so I have done all the wrong things so far, broken NC, cried in front of him, told him I miss him and he means the world, asked him to think about us and our future, etc.etc.

He said: Let's talk again in 6 months.... I know it is his way of having control of the situation.

He has also told me his feelings have changed and I know they have for both of us we are not as innocent as we used to be when it comes to declare our love, we know our flaws. Then another time he says of course there are a lot of feelings left which is why it is difficult.

 

What else can I do PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK !! I have been so lost in the last 2 weeks every morning I wake up to the biggest heartache, what do you think of all this ??

 

How are you today ? Have you spoken to him again ??

 

Hugs and be strong

Almita

[wondering_girl]

hi almita, how was your day today?

 

yeah, i did, because i thought he wasn't even gonna re-appear again but he did..our mutual friends had a party and then he texted me saturday saying are you going? let's go by 3ish.. so we went together.. i picked him up, it's just odd, why does he CARE if i'm even at the party - i really thought that he was gonna show up by himself and then i would find out our break up that way... since if he did show up by himself they would ask where i'm at.. as far as what i'm going to do, i don't know what game he's playing but he's stupid to me now, i LOVE him but it seems like he is still trying to control the situation.... i cried in front of him yesterday too, cause i asked him why was he so angry at me, and if something was going on.. our drive was for about an hour so i just asked those questions but did not get a response - NOTHING, just a straight faced look...... it still feels like he's continuing to punish me...... so i'm still asking myself why do you CARE if i'm there or not. it seems like he's still trying to play the silent treatment game not quite sure wth

 

he said 6 months after you told him all that - but do you think you'll still WANT him 6 months from now.. and do you know why he picked 6 months? it seems like its a timeline but what is the guarantee that he'll be back you know.. how do you feel?

Edited October 6, 2009 by wondering_girl

[Magnolia5]

Hi wondering girl-- Wow, so how does it feel now that you've seen him? I can't believe he is still stringing you on. That is so stupid it's laughable. What do you think is going to happen now between you and him?

[wondering_girl]

hi magnolia - did you have a good weekend? are you feeling better?

 

how do i feel um...... i'm not really sure anymore, i'm kinda just like ummm? it's like i thought you hated me since i haven't spoken to you in 3 weeks and we get in the same car and apparently it mattered that we still went together at the party ughhh?

 

he's stupid to me now it's like he tried so hard to keep his mouth shut.. is this to have control, really? it's been too damn long... do you think he's still playing the sick game of silent treatment? just like you i laughed a little bit

 

i was just disappointed that i cried towards the end and was asking him what was wrong.. this is making me think that he still thinks i'm here waiting UGHHHHHH

[freestyle]

Hey WG:

 

here's my gentle back-hand to your head..................

 

 

By picking him up, going to the party with him, even though he was completely rude to you when you asked him questions, you played right into his game.

 

 

Don't tolerate it!!!IMO, it's time to read him the riot act and walk away.

No one deserves to be treated like that, WTF????

 

If you ask someone a direct question, you deserve some form of response.

Even if it's just, "sorry, but I can't explain right now..." There has to be

some acknowledgement that you have spoken. For him to return nothing but a blank stare, well that's beyond rude. He's demonstrating contempt.

 

And I would tell him exactly that. ( Courtesy 101.)

 

I have one more piece of advice for you, a little saying I heard:

 

If you permit it-----You promote it..........................

 

 

Hang in there, I know it's hard when you've invested that much time, but please think really hard about whether or not you want to keep getting dragged through emotional hell by someone who's treating you worse than he'd treat some stranger on the street.(if a stranger asked him for the time, he'd probably oblige, like most people. But he can't do as much for you?)

[Magnolia5]

I completely agree with everything freestyle has said. You deserve much better than this. I admit, I was dissapointed when I read your original post saying that you met up with him because you gave him exactly what he wanted and you appeared weak to him (although you have been very strong these past few weeks). Now he does think you are there waiting for him. He probably planned all this out. He thought he would sit around for 2 weeks and "show you a lesson" until you come crawling back. WHAT KIND OF MAN IS THAT?

 

Things are never going to change with him. Period. This is ingrained in his personality. Basically, imagine your relationship in 2 years and this will be it. You will be gong through this again. They don't change. However, if someone told me that 2 years ago, I wouldn't have left. I finally became completely callous to him and this crap he pulled and then I left-- that's what it took for me. But it will be much easier if you let it go now then if you stay a few more years.

 

I don't want to be encouraging you to break up with him and end everything you've ever had, but I just feel like he is playing you by the strings. That's not okay. Please think hard about going back to him. Can you really look at him the same after this? Will you ever be able to fully love him again knowing that in a second he has the power (because you have given it to him) to tear your heart and life up?

 

By the way, I am not critizing you for your decision. I made that decision too many times and I know how you feel right now. I'm speaking from experience and looking back at myself, I acted like a fool and will never put up with that crap again from anyone. My life is worth more than that.

[almita]

Hi wondering girl,

 

oh well I know he said lets talk about our relationship in 6 months, he said we can talk about everything BUT our relationship...why 6 months ? I asked him that also. To me it seemed as if he just wanted the distance between us. Of course I cannot see myself spending the next 6 months waiting for him to give me a sign.

 

I went to a party on Sunday big closing party of a beach restaurant I knew everybody there and had the time of my life. Tons of people hugged me and danced with me girls and boys I felt loved and part of the "sane society" again after 5 weeks of suffering. AND my ex was there too completely drunk party was over for him by 23 h and I know he must have been surprised to see me there with so many friends. So I scored a few points. Remember he had told me I was boring (I work hard during the summer not much time to party).

During the party I saw him sitting alone on the beach and he looked very sad ... he also came up to my friends to introduce himself which I thought was strange after he had said he would not mind not talking to me in 6 months.....that was confusing. So the stupid part of me called him the next day asking him how HE IS aaaarghh..... and guess what ? He was so coool so NOT interested, not much to say......

 

You know what wondering girl ? It seems as if I need to go through this hell to see the clear light. It seems as if I need all this pain to be able to move on. I still miss him, I see him and want to hug him - it's painful.

 

Anyways have you spoken to him again ?

 

Take lots of care you are not alone

Almita

[wondering_girl]

hey girls....

 

freestyle, please please, smack me in the head! it doesn't even have to be LIGHT!!!! when i thought about it, it was a really really stupid MOVE. ughhhh, but i can't take it back anymore......

 

as usual, that was sunday and today is tuesday and he hasn't called or what not, i don't have the desire to call him either- heck i don't even expect him to, i'm not really sure what to think anymore....... is he still playing some sick silent treatment game on me?? it's been WAY too long. i just hated that i cried yesterday asking him what was wrong what do you want this and that uggh...

 

as far as going back with him, you girls are right, it would be SOO hard to even look at him the same, as i stared at him from across the room yesterday - i thought and said, wow you're soo nice to your friends and do they know that you treat me like this.. this is just AWFUL and i also asked myself - i'm letting you control my sane, no way....

 

well, i really don't know when i'll hear from him again, seriously, is he still playing some game?? yesterday when i saw him he has that angry look the look that they always get magnolia... when they have that stupid treatment, it's like what do you want from me? seriouslyy

 

thanks for listening, i know i really need someone to snap me out of it...... thanks for all your thoughts.

[freestyle]

Okay, here it comes.The beatings shall now commence.............

 

 

IF YOU PERMIT IT, YOU PROMOTE IT.

 

IF YOU PERMIT IT, YOU PROMOTE IT.

 

IF YOU PERMIT IT, YOU PROMOTE IT.

 

ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC..............................................................

 

be STRONG. bE STRONG. bE STRONG. BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I feel compelled to be firm about this, because I've been in your shoes.

 

The only thing that turned my relationship around was me very firmly laying it on the line. I asked my PA guy, flat-out, if he could explain to me why, why, why, ......he felt that I deserved less courtesy than he would show his friends, or a stranger on the street.

 

He didn't respond so much verbally, but very quickly, his behavior changed for the better.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much about your recent mistake. You're human, and at the moment, your love was overriding your logic. It happens to all of us.

 

Also, it's very common for someone who has been dealing with a PA individual for a long time to feel worn down, it can be very draining. It erodes your self-esteem, which; I suspect; contributed to your caving in.

 

You did nothing abnormal by crying, that was a justified reaction to being emotionally abused. It shows that you ARE in touch with your feelings.

 

HE'S the one who's not okay.

 

It's time for you to decide if you're willing to continue dealing with the crap he's been dishing out.

 

So, there's your smack in the head, hope it helped. ...........

[wondering_girl]

hi freestyle, morning..... thanks for all those smacks! you know i needed them.. so you're still with your PA bf? has he straightened up when you had conflicts and stuff? how does he deal with things

 

as far as laying it on the line, 2 weeks before the text of "going to the party" we had a "silent dinner" well, we went to dinner and i talked to him and asked him "what did i to deserve to be treated like this" i felt like he was punishing me, and i told him that handling conflicts with space is fine but then this time i felt like it was to the extreme - at this time i didn't cry i just calmly explained how i feel to him and as he preferred to go eat i was not ugly at all, i just told him how i felt... and he barely said 3 words to me that day.. he just most of the time started at me but i knew he was listening, and then he was like "you don't listen" and then towards the end he was like "guess i'm not ready to talk" and then he ignored me for 2 weeks then the 3rd week that's when we went to the party still not ready to talk i guess, i'm not sure if he's going through something else either.... what i would give anything to be able to find out what is going on in his mind......

 

as time goes by it seems like i'm getting my sane back, (i think)... but i'm still not really sure i have a gut feeling something is wrong but it doesn't give him any excuse to treat me like this.... seriously, is this still a sick game? because i really don't wanna play anymore.. freestyle it's been way too long.... this push pull my time game has been going on for a bout a month and a half.......

 

sometimes i do feel like i'm acting abnormally with the situation any normal person would've said i can't do this anymore......ugh... but seems like all he has to be is silence..... i mean, i know this is the first time i called him out on his behavior but i really don't know how long is he gonna be "silent" and have him "mad" at me......

[robinincarolina]

So your partner gives you the silent treatment not just once but over and over. Each time they come dancing back and what do you do? Take them back and the cycle continues. Why? Because you are allowing it to do so. What you are doing has not broken the cycle, so why continue doing the same thing? It does not make sense. If no consequences are suffered when one behaves in a way that hurts another, why would they have a need or desire to change the hurtful behavior. You might not be able to change your partner, but you sure can change how you react and respond to them.

 

Words don't always work, its backing your words with actions that gets results, next time they come back, don't make it so easy. Make them work for it. One values most what they work hardest for. It also does have a lot to do with self respect. If you respect yourself would you really tolerate this. Step outside and look in, pretend this is happening to a friend. What advice would you give your friend?