silent break up?

[freestyle]

Hey WG- I'll have to give you response tomorrow- my dance card is full today.....................hang in there hon.................

[trueblue72ny]

hey wondering girl, how are you? i have been keeping myself busy working since last we spoke. Nope, nothing has changed here. Still have not heard from her. not all last week, over the weekend, or now. I don’t know how long its been exactly, probably a couple weeks now. I guess i am doing better with it all because I don’t feel as phased anymore by it. I expect it. she’s like a buddy I hear form every once in awhile at this point. I don’t feel she is anyone I can count on.

 

its like the less i think about it the better i feel. because it does get tiring always thinking about it, having to initiate a conversation, carry the whole relationship. So now I leave it up to her as I usually do and just doing my own thing.

 

hope you are feeling better! :-)

[wondering_girl]

evening trueblue, thanks soo much for asking!!!!, i'm ok i guess... not really sure, like you said i try not to think about it as much and then feeling better... - but i don't know if you got a chance to read my post - he re-appeared last weekend after ignoring me for two weeks after our "silent dinner" and asked me to go to a party - the party that i thought how i'd find out we broke up cause i thought he was gonna show up by himself since i thought he hated me.... but he texted me to go and we talked through txt for a while small talk blah blah.. so wth now? to make the long story short, UGGH, i went assuming that he was "ready" to talk.... well, as soon as i saw him he was still all mad looking and rude and is still playing that silent treatment game i guess.....so i tried to ask when we were driving there saying hey are you still mad, what's wrong, is something going on... and ugh i started crying (i'm soo MAD AT ME!!!) anyway, complete silence trueblue! - it's like why do you care if we even show up at the party together.. ughh? are you still playing your game and i guess you call your gf to go but still playing quiet? so i really don't know if he's still playing some game...

 

as the days go by, i think i'm getting my sanity back... when i saw him on sunday i looked at him across the room and i'm like no way why am i letting YOU control my sane...

 

anyhow, what have you been up to lately?

Edited October 8, 2009 by wondering_girl

[trueblue72ny]

Hey wondering girl, morning. I know what you mean when you are not sure if you are feeling ok or not. After I wrote you yesterday stating that I haven’t heard from her. guess what? I heard from her in a email and a text. It was very impersonable as far as I was concerned. she was being her typical self. Like its no big deal. So I reciprocated by keeping my responses short. I wasn’t rude at all. all I said was “ok” “yep” “hey if you don’t want to be around im not twisting your arm” “ok girl see you around” I think it set her back a little because she was like “wow really” . I didn’t show her that it bothered me. in fact I acted like it was nothing. and now I am just going about my own business just as I was. My world doesn’t feel that shaken up. Im not happy about it, but I am not broken down over it this time. I did that last winter. I almost just feel annoyed with it at this point thinking here we go again. Nothing will ever change.

 

I know this gig already. Its nothing new. Its happened before. What happened is this. The last time I got ditched (july) for some guy who asked her to dinner, I was yesterdays news in a nano-second. When it turned out he wasn’t interested in her a month later, she came back, literally knocking on my door looking for a shoulder to lean on. like a fool I made myself available. I made her feel wanted. I fulfilled her need for validation. Now her attitude is back to where it was in only 2 months down the road. The lack of interest. This, that, complaining, busy. Doesn’t want to be around, Etc. this person isn’t interested in getting up off their a$$ for me. its clearly obvious. what she did is called using me. I agreed to it so I am not placing the blame on her. I am placing it on myself.

 

Im sure I will hear from her again when there is some kind of new tragedy in her life. Or if the next guy turns her down. Or if she is depressed and her world is falling apart. By then I hope I don’t give it a second thought. I hope I am moved on with someone new by then. Because this isn’t healthy feeling like I am going back and forth all the time in my mind. I gave her 5 years of my life and I feel like I don’t have a lot to show for it. I don’t feel like I can ever expect anything. If someone isn’t going to get off their a$$ for you and make themselves a part of your life you are wasting your time.

 

You are doing the right thing sticking to your guns. Because if someone really cares about you they wont leave you wondering all the time. They wont look still all mad and looking rude and giving you the silent treatment. Or make you cry. My heart goes out to you over that. I feel bad he made you cry. Youd think if he was interested he would look excited to see you after 2 weeks. But it doesn’t sound like that, just like mine. I know what it feels like when you are wondering if they are going to get mad just for asking a question. And I don’t think its right if you feel like that. I think you should just be able to ask whatever you want without feeling stressed about it.

 

Don’t let him control your sanity. I feel pretty good about myself for not letting this get the best of me this time. It makes me feel like I kept my power with me this time.

 

I have a feeling she thinks we are going to be eventually cool as friends down the road. Right now, I just keep thinking whats the point. I so want to meet somebody new at this point its not funny.

 

i havent been up to much at all except working just about everyday. its starting to get chilly around here in upstate ny. fall is here. what have you been doing to keep yourself occupied?

[NoLongerSilent]

Hi, I'm new here but I've been reading your posts and can relate to a lot of them. My situation is (was) 4 years. I broke it off today for good after 3 days of silence with some game-playing on his part thrown in for good measure. I've lost count of how many silent treatments I was doled over the years but after lots of tears, confusion, and now research, I know it's an issue of control and is also very clearcut abuse. I've attached some links you might want to check out. They helped me come to my decision and I have cut off all contact...blocked his email, texts, using a different phone line, etc. There's only so much abuse one can take and then there's healing. I pray everyone here gets that. You deserve not to hurt. Good luck to all of us.

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][COLOR=#800080]http://www.examiner.com/x-16919-Virginia-Beach-Abusive-Relationships-Examiner~y2009m7d31-Emotional-abuse-the-silent-treatment[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[COLOR=#0068cf]http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=#0068cf]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFJSqWUM1Fg[/COLOR]

 

http://www.obgyn.net/young-woman/young-woman.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart6

 

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/30633/love_addiction_and_toxic_relationships.html?cat=41

[trueblue72ny]

Hi no longer silent. Thanks for the support. As you can see we can definitely relate to your situation with the silent treatment. My heart goes out to you. I am also glad to hear you were able to break it off and stop allowing yourself to be treated like that. it took me quite a long time to reach the point of awareness to it all. I didn’t realize it was an abuse issue until others pointed that out on this thread. that helped put things into perspective. It is a form of mental abuse. It’s a control issue and its abusive.

 

I hope you are doing good with your decision. I feel pretty good today about keeping my power this time. your right, there is only so much a person can take before they are pushed over the edge. My personal goal now is I hope I can continue to feel good about my decision and continue with that. and just move on. I hope I don’t fall back into that trap if I hear form her again. Right now I am feeling strong enough to say look, I don’t hate you, im not mad, im just good with the way things are. And leave it at that. I hope! I hope! I hope!

 

Keep us posted!

[wondering_girl]

hi all - thanks for the support.

 

hi trueblue, how was your weekend? did she manage to re-appear? i've just been keeping myself busy with work, hanging with friends, and just kinda been hanging out

 

i wish i'm completely just like you kinda not care anymore and i wish that i don't think about him anymore, i'm still hurting and still have that dumb little hope, well - this week, will mark the "silent dinner conversation" to be one month and just like i said when i saw him last sunday he was still all pissed looking and still silent - so what's up with him? i'm not sure.. oh yeah trueblue, he sent another text and e-mail last week thinking that we had to go somewhere but he read it wrong... it was stupid.. who would throw a party twice in a week? and on a wkday?

 

i told myself today would be a new day, i really need to stop worrying about what HE's thinking and putting his puzzle together... if he comes back - then he will but would i want him then? don't know heck, i don't know if we're even together.. apparently he thinks so - since he cared that we went to the party - heck, i don't know anymore... thanks soo much for listening........ have a great day at work! did you have a good wkend?

[trueblue72ny]

Hey wondering girl,

 

Nope, she did not manage to re-appear. and right now I really am fine with that. that’s pretty much what I have been doing as well, working, hanging with friends and just taking care of my own business. I really am starting to feel just fine with things the way they are. I realize I am definitely past the point of feeling heart ache over her. and I am thankful for that!! I wish you felt that way also. it has been a long long longgg road to get to this point. & I wasn’t able to find any short cuts either. I was going thru my clutter at home and ran across and bunch of receipts I used to keep when me & her would go out. I had a ton of them from over the years. I threw them all out and wasn’t even phased by it.

 

I never thought I would get to this point either. but I have. Like I said it took me a long time. & that dumb little hope I felt inside stuck around for quite awhile. that was probably the worst thing about it.

 

You see, even if you were to hear from him, what do you think will change? it has been a month and he is still looking mad, and abusing you with his silent treatment. I guess that is his answer when he gets mad or doesn’t want to own up to things. You are probably inconveniencing him by showing him that you want to be respected and be treated good. He is probably mad that he cant use you as a doormat when ever he wants now. 4 years and that is what you get. I feel the same way with mine, all that time and this is what I get. Who needs it. I say we deserve someone who shows us they are interested.

 

That is a good thing to think wondering girl J it is a new day. And if you can just give yourself a little break from thinking about him for a while, just to give yourself a breather that would be good. Like you said, it has been 4 years with him and you shouldn’t have to mind read and try and put the pieces of the puzzle together by yourself. You shouldn’t be getting mixed or confusing messages. You deserve straight up info. you get left hanging because he doesn’t tell you anything (leaving you with hope) but then is free to do what he wants.

 

I know it is very hard right now. but we are hear from you. everyone on this board is here for you! I think you will hear from him again. Maybe you will go back and forth for awhile. I don’t know. Im not trying to give you hope. What I mean is a warning. I just don’t want anyone to have to go thru what I did. Don’t let him use you again. it is tough to recognize the difference between your ex trying to just be friends (which is stupid anyway) and leading you on. and keeping you as a backup. if he Genuinely wants to reconcile you will know that feeling. A reconciliation is not just hearing from someone once in awhile. or leaving you with unanswered questions or feelings.

 

But you’re right to think, what If he did come back?? would you want him anyway? That is a good question to ask. Because you have to think. What is going to change???? is he just going to stop talking to you again the next time?? PROBABLY. Than you will be back to square one again. And you will be feeling hurt all over again.

 

You two are not together. Sorry to bust your bubble. People who are together, are together. He left you hanging. And is out doing his own thing. Make no mistake. And if he realizes, heck well there’s nothing out there right now, I can go back to you until the next time. that is what YOU have to consider. All I know is that its hard to recognize peoples real intentions. That’s why I think if anything… he should be the one to do the chasing if he really wants you. fair is fair.

 

My weekend was good. Thanks for asking! I met up with the new girl that I have been talking too lightly in the past. She wanted to meet up! So I said ok, why not! And it turned out enjoyable. Meeting someone new has given me a perspective on things. It makes me realize that there are other people out there who are interested in me! that I don’t have to fight with, mind read, or worry about them making me feel crappy over everything I do!!! I can just be myself for a change. it has definitely helped give me something else to think about besides my ex. But also remember, me and the ex actually broke up over a year ago. and since then, it has been constant back and forth. She dumps me, runs around with someone else, than when she gets bored or depressed over it I will hear from her again. And every time I would hear from her again, I got confused, thinking wow this is my chance to get back with her!! guess what… it wasn’t. it was just total bs. Every single time. just like everyone on here told me. only I had to find out for myself. The only thing that ever wound up happening was me making her feel good about herself. And I got very little out of it in return. When she got her fill, she would take off again, and I got my heart wrenched again. so what I am saying to you is I hope you don’t let yourself be dragged thru the mud. Along with your feelings. there are, I bet, a lot of other guys out there who want to give you the respect you deserve.

 

Not sure were things will go with my new friend. But right now im just enjoying getting to know her. It takes time for feelings to develop. And it has to happen naturally. I have all intentions of letting that happen if I get the chance. And if it does eventually work out (which I am hoping it does!), if down the road I hear from my ex again, I have decided I wont be rude to her. all I am going to tell her is, I am not mad, I don’t hate you, I am just good with the way things are. And leave it at that if possible. In fact I realize I don’t even have to tell her what i am doing, because its none of her business what I do in my personal life anymore!!! I have not told anyone at my job either, which is were my ex works also. Its none of their business!!!!!!!

[wondering_girl]

hi trueblue! how are you? i always look forward to your responses! they always make my day and how i dream of one day - i will be able to write here in LS saying yep, i was in your shoe a year ago whoever is going through the disappearing act and be strong just like YOU!

 

no, please feel free to bust my bubble, as days go on and he doesn't call, text, or e-mail.. i'm sad and relieved at the same time - sad that i guess he didn't love me ENOUGH to change and relieved that i didn't have to talk to him... i'm okay, but this past weekend i guess i was trying too hard because the girls and i went out and some guys came up to talk and i got soo bored or i guess uncomfortable and went and ran into the restroom and cried and i said this is soo not my scene i guess i wasn't ready--- i was never one of those party girls anyway... but hey i tried....and it made me miss him at one point too because if he was there no one would try to come up and talk, but it's all good, i'll get use to it...... like you said, as days pass by i'm going to learn how to live by myself - thanks trueblue, if i was to look at my posts 3 weeks before i can kinda' tell the difference, i'm not gonna lie i still have that hope but i certainly believe in what you said, it'll eventually go away.. i guess it's the whole "4 years" thing that we were hoping we had something to show for but we don't....today marks ONE MONTH since our "silent dinner" and still no response and i can take a clue from that and saw him about 2 weeks ago when we went to that party.... i really NEED to quit counting the days with him playing his game......

 

as far as what to do when i hear from him, i know one thing for sure it's not gonna be that easy!!

 

soooooooo new potential girl? woo hoo! sounds like FUN! lol, i can almost tease you and ou should ask her soooo you don't pull that silent treatment crap do you? haha, that's going to be one of my first date questions LOL! that's good.... and you know what i wouldn't be surprised if she heard about it and she tries to come back in. ughhh that would be frustrating.

 

hope you're having a great week!!!

Edited October 14, 2009 by wondering_girl

[trueblue72ny]

Morning wondering girl:), im good. How are you? thanks! I always look forward to hearing from you as well!!!

 

It does start to feel relieving after awhile. I would get used to not hearing from her and would be in my safe zone. Weekends were tough. I wasn’t interested in really talking too other woman for months when it first all went down last year. So I think your reaction to that guy was normal. I actually felt sick to my stomach over it for awhile. when I was talking to my neighbor earlier this year he said he was concerned because he didn’t see any life at my place the whole winter. no lights, no nothing. and it was true. I just worked, came home, turned off the lights and layed on the couch watching tv for like 3 or 4 months buried in 10 feet of snow. I know pretty lame. I think I went into hibernation, but I needed too. I finally managed to get my a$$ up off the couch around spring time and started doing things. when me and the ex started hanging out again several months later (july), I was excited to see what that could lead too, BUT, like everyone said -it was going to be bs -and it was. Since july I got ditched twice. And nothing changed with her at all. the silent treatment, the running around, the loveless relationship. she is still the same person as she always has been. And then I really started to feel things change in me about the way I feel about her. now I just heard from her Monday, that was the first time in a couple weeks. it was a lame text from her that said “I guess we aren’t friends either anymore” like I said on another post, I replied with im good. But really I just kept thinking, what the hell?? really??? whats the point?? what do you want, what do we have, what has changed. Nothing. Except, o , ya, YOU don’t have anyone else right now. you love me, you just don’t love me ENOUGH to get up off you’re a$$ for me! I seriously believe the second the next guy comes along and shows her a flake of interest she is gone. Just like always. so why bother wasting my time thinking about it. she is just like a buddy I hear from every once in awhile at this point. that is how I think about it. if she wants to say hello, ok. But I wont initiate. or get personal or anything at this point. why bother?? Ya know???

 

You are doing really good with all this wondering girl and it is not an easy thing to deal with. I salute you. It took me awhile to stop counting the days, so don’t worry. Its only been a month for you. but you will get thru this!!! And you will feel completely better at some point. it just takes time!! I just fear :confused:you are not out of the danger zone yet with him trying to creep back into your world at some point. I hope you don’t allow him to mess with your head. I hope you stick to your guns and don’t compromise what you really want in life. Whether its with him or someone else.

 

 

Yessssss, new girl potential lol. ha ha, I didn’t think about that – asking her if she gives the silent treatment lolol (wait, that’s not funny!!) maybe I shouldn’t, I don’t want to give her any idea’s, lolol. We will see how things go. I feel like its time to give someone else a shot, ya know??? And my feelings for my ex I realize are now not strong enough to get in the way. i Know you will get there also

 

I totally forgot how hard it is getting to know someone new! Makes me think wow I really don’t have time to pin over my ex!!! Me and the new girl have hung out the last three weekends and are still talking. want to see each other again. We "bump" into each other when we walk around That’s got to be good right?? this is hard to know!! Now I keep wondering were will this go. should I do this, should I do that. should I kiss her?? holy crap!!! this is some pressure!!!! lol!!!!!

 

 

Its Wednesday here. And its going so far so good how is your week going??

[almita]

Haven't heard from you in a while. Time flies..... on 25th October it will be 2 months since breakup... It is true we should stop counting the days...

 

As for you going out and ot enjoying it I can understand that went out with friends on a beautiful boat.... beautiful day... and couldn't wait to get back home to cry into my pillow.... s***!!! Is the guy really worth it ?? I don't think so !!

 

I am treating myself to all sorts of things, massages, new handbag, cosmetics, I try to sleep well but I still can't eat normally well ok thats good won't put on weight, but I do hate him for his attitude, how anyone who swore you love like there's no tomorrow can just kick you out of his life like that will forever be a mystery to me.

 

Last time I dumped someone I was 18 but I don't think I could do it, meaning just leave the person there with all the pain etc.. granted he may be the wrong person to comfort me but that would be for me to decide no ?? I think it would be fair to keep talking if you were FRIENDS within the relationship.

 

Guess it all depends if there is a third person onvolved I would not want him to help me come to terms but it was our problem. I think it was the same for you and the fact that they just refuse to talk leaves you completely out there in space like an alien without a planet... It's a nigtmare.

 

My psychologist said I should treat his "case" as if he is dead and I must say I think she is helping me a lot. I know he is still alive but I think I am giving him TOO MUCH LIFE !!

 

Hope to hear from you and stay strong

Hugs

Almita

[wondering_girl]

hi trueblue, happy friday! how are you? ready for the weekend? do ya have another potential date with the girl from last weekend? that would be nice! NY must be getting cold now huh!!!

 

 

wow so she managed to re-appear again, i guess it's kinda good that even though you work together, you don't see each other in the office that would be awkward right! thanks for telling me your story about not being able to see other people so i guess it is normal to have the feeling that i was having? ahhh, it was frustrating, you're right weekends are the worse, that's when i missed him the most.. but today, i was kinda' mad or upset i guess, there i was sitting in a meeting and for some reason strong thoughts came into my mind and my eyes started to get watery!!! ugh i hated it, it pissed me off!!! my friends said that's a sign that my love was real for him, i guess he was my first love? That's why it's harder.. guess i've never been in love before!

 

aww you really think i'm getting strong - ah i'm trying trueblue! thanks, salute me? ha i wish - it's more like i'm just trying my BEST to keep sane i have moments throughout the days but i don't think i'll call or make any first contact of communication with him don't you think so? it SUCKS - like you said regarding the "danger zone" i feel like i'm still there that's why i'm not ready for him to come back right now because i'm still in the middle of the decision line(i hate ME for that!! i should already be saying I'M DONE).. however he's probably already know the OUTCOME of the situation but he's so selfish he won't even share, that's FINE. don't you think so? it seems like these type of people already know but they won't share. hey since they are the only one in the relationship, haha WTH really? it just SUCKS that after 4 years this is how it went down..... so SAD. i try to look at it this way though - so 10 years from now this is how you gonna deal with conflict. UM NO thanks.

 

lols, that is TOOOO FUNNY! you are right soo much pressure with dating new girls hehehe! but isn't that the funnest part, butterflies? new things? everything new! i say definitely kiss - hahah is she a CUTIE!!!

 

have a great weekend trueblue! definitely keep me updated with your new potential hunnie!!! your stories make my day - thanks for listening and you can always relate to me..... it makes me feel not alone. thank you, you have no idea how helpful it is!

[wondering_girl]

hi almita it's good to hear from you!!! it's been a while , how are you... let's definitely stop counting the days its been a month since our silent dinner when i laid everything in the line and no word ever since we went to that party yet.. so as time passes, i'm starting to learn how to live my life without him....cause apparently he is.

 

did you go total NC on him? you haven't tried to call him or anything right since the last time you saw him? i really have no desire to call mine at all or initiate communication? i have moments but usually i post here or write an e-mail then delete it...

 

definitely feel you on refusing to talk, i'm still soo CLUELESS about that since i didn't commit anything awful to him, well if he thinks me telling him he's treating me bad is a crime - it probably is to him.. i've never felt like this during a break up before either...... this one is the worse! i think it's because he's my first love and i really loved him.......

 

yes i need to treat him just like your psychologist said......

 

*HUGS*

[trueblue72ny]

Yes, thank God it’s Friday! this has been a rough week. As far as a date with the new girl – not sure... i haven’t spoken to her on the phone in a couple nights. been keeping myself kinda busy. Not overly available. If I talk to her later I’ll see if she wants to grab a bite this weekend! I am realizing it really takes a long time to get to know someone new! I forgot how long it takes. it has been awhile since I met someone who I am interested in getting to really know. and even tho that’s the case you still never know how things will pan out so I am not getting overly whatever over it. it could still flop. So we will see what happens! but am hoping it winds up good!

 

Yes, It is getting colder around here. The leaves are turning and there is frost now.

 

It was awkward for awhile seeing her in the office. My heart used to jump, but not at this point, if I see her around and she says hello, cool. I’ll say it back. But I am not worried about it. I think it will speak volumes by itself when she realizes that I no longer am initiating contact with her. its bs anyway when I hear from her. the same old crap.

 

Yes it is perfectly normal to be feeling that way about meeting someone new. This is still so new for you! it might take a bit.

 

You know I still have days like that I get upset thinking about everything. And not due to just her, part of it yes, but not all. I get mad/upset because I get soooo sick and tired of going through relationships. Getting to know someone, than it doesn’t work out. than another, etc, I will say tho any relationships I get into seem to at least last for 3- 5 years at a time.

 

Ya I think your friends are right. It is a sign you definitely felt love for him. I never thought I was going to get over my first love, that was 17 years ago. lol. it never feels the same each time. if you have to go thru it a few times. hopefully you don’t. hopefully the next time will last. I will say tho each time its been wonderfully different.

 

Yaaa , it sounds like you are holding it together and doing well even tho it is a really difficult time for you. I think you should be proud of yourself. This isnt easy to deal with. And I think you are helping yourself by NOT initiating contact. Its time for him to put something on the table at this point instead of you all the time. that is my opinion at least. And I think there would be others that would agree. Yes it does suck. And yes you have every right to feel like he has been selfish. Because he has. Just like mine 4/5 years and doesn’t even have the balls to tell you anything. These kind of people I think are insecure. My ex is extremely insecure with herself. She tries to over-compensate by acting like she has 3 million friends and is popular or something. And it is very sad. I am mad that I let myself go that long with her antics, but at the same time I was thinking well maybe if I just stick it out it will get better. Well it didn’t. and if she ever tried to come back around that is all I would be thinking, whats changed?? Unless you mean business, just forget it!!!

 

Yes, new dating is fun, but its nerve racking at the same time! lol. I do like that its like a new blank slate. A kiss..lol… I kinda hinted at it last night texting. She sent me a smiley with a tongue and I said put that thing away or else… lol. her response.. o you think so huh? lololol. I think shes a cutie , heck ya!

 

Thanks wondering girl, you too! you help me too ya know! I look forward to hearing from you. it makes me feel good to know I have someone to share things with when I don’t know what is going on in my life with anyone else!!!

[trueblue72ny]

hey wondering girl, i must have jinxed myself talking about the new girl. i caught her lying already. ugg. i caught her on her online dating sight. busted! i am really not that upset since we only hung out a few times. she got very defensive about it when i confronted her. and she said things like you dont trust me. i was cool. i didnt say much or get upset. i just said its cool. i just wasnt sure if you were with me or not, so i wanted to know if i should keep my options open as well.

 

than she said she isnt going to argue with me on text and if i want to talk to her again i know how to get a hold of her, and she said good ngiht. i said nope! if you want to talk i think its only fair that you contact me first at this point because i dont want to get in your way. i said it was nice meeting you. no hard feelings. and if i dont talk to you again it was nice spending some time with you. and i said good night.

 

sooo we will see what happens. will i hear from her? unknown. but i do kind of feel like she should be the one to contact me if anything. do you think thats right? because i dont know. what i do know tho is i am not going to be sitting around thinking i can count on her.

 

this is why i dont like the dating scene. this is why you have to pry me off someone that i am dating because i dread "dating". uggggg. you have to go thru a 100 of them to find one decent one. i am a little bummed here ya because i was starting to get used to hearing from her. i would hear from her everyday! so i dont get it why all this. i woke up his morning feeling a little blue. but i can not be totally devastated or anything. i guess i should get my butt back out there since i have to keep my options open!!!! uggggggg.

 

thanks for listening.

[wondering_girl]

trueblue!! ughhhhhh already, i'm wondering why she got defensive about it so quickly was all this through text, to me, it was OK for you to ask to see if you can see other people too ya know because ya don't wanna be seeing other people then she thinks you're exclusive then it's a big mess ya know? i know the dating thing is new to me too, actually i don't really "date" as you may say once i start talking to someone they are the only one i see at that time. maybe i should try that.... but how do you meet people though? through friends or on the site?

 

don't feel BLUE!!! i'm sure that there is someone out there for us, and i always believe that they are gonna come around when you least expect it.... i wish i can follow my own advice but i'm still hurting for now, like you said that's why you dread dating.. i forget to even act.... and plus i was so USED to him just plain chillin' instead of the stress of getting to know someone..... well guess they weren't meant for US.

 

as far as contacting her lol i know i'm not the best person to be giving advice because i'm shaken up still....., yea, i would wait for her since she was the one that got defensive but also i always say since you're the guy she might be waiting for you to contact her as well, i never really contact the guy....- did you guys have any plans this wkend?

[trueblue72ny]

hi wondering girl. yesssss already. its sat evening and i am just sitting down for dinner. i have beeen busy all day doing yard work and drinking some, lol. i think she got defensive bc she is not used to guys calling her out. i am a different breed. she doesnt know me. im not going to stand for it. my last gf i guess you can say put me in a bad moood over it. so now i feel like its only fair to know if its exclusive or open. ya know? fair is fair. its a respect thing, ya know? and if someone doesnt know that than its my duty to give them a kick in the arse to let them know i mean business. ya know??? anyways she texted me early this afternoon (i was surprised) and said she is NOT playing the field. she said she wasnt keeping her options open. she thought i was jumping the gun. so i said ok. maybe its just getting to know someone new? have mercy on me. so i asked her to make me a Cd of her fav songs & share them with me :-)

 

if i hang out with her again, and she hooks m up with a Cd than i will relax. so well will seeeeeee

[trueblue72ny]

i had to come back and see what i wrote. mannnn. i hit the bottle of tangueray pretty good yesterday. tangueray and slammed cans of mountain dew. just so you know it wasn't over her. i just got busy with yard work and said hmm its a nice day for a drink!

 

thats what i was thinking myself for my situation.... once you start talking to someone they are the only one you see if you are interested in them?. right? and if they are not you let them know (respect) that you are keeping your options open. you tell them up front, hey i am keeping my options open? right? i think its only fair to know. yes, i have met ppl thru those sites. sometimes it seems like its the only way anymore.

 

she says she is Not playing the field. Wasnt keeping her options open. that she is seeking only friends (which it does say). she reminded me that she told me about this site in the past and has met some nice ppl on there before but would never be relationship ppl. so yes she does go on here and there to check email. she is basically then saying she is sorry i didnt realize this and if i have trust issues bc of my past that is something she cant change but its Not who she is.

 

so she is saying I can trust her? and that i don't have to keep my options open if i dont want too? because she is interested in getting to know me in a relationship? and that she just gets a kick out of talking to weirdo stalkers online?

 

hey she didnt have to text me back right? i told her she didnt have too before if she wasnt interested because i am more than happy to keep my options open also!

 

(we met thru one site. and this whole topic of conversation centers around a different site she is on. it is a free site i guess-i have never been on it.)

 

i told her i believe her & i dont have any issues with her chatting to ppl online. and really ya know what? i don't. as long as its innocent and im Not being taken for a ride.

 

so we will seeee. she seems sincere so i will give her a chance maybe she is for real.

Edited October 18, 2009 by trueblue72ny

[wondering_girl]

hi trueblue! alas! it's sunday and NO CONTACT yayyy yayy! one of our mutual friends texted me again yesterday saying - hey are you coming to the party? and i was like ughhh? i didn't know and she's like maybe he got the text and i was like i didn't.. but anyway so he didn't re-appear so i'm glad about that!!! and i hope that he'll go by himself, i keep saying we're not celebrities that we have to make appearances! like we pulled last time - yes, i hope he goes by himself!!!

 

so she texted? that's GOOD because then she really is trying to make an EFFORT to get to know you better, and yes i don't think she has to text either she WANTED TO. as far as seeing people exclusively, i'm a firm believer that you guys should be both aware if the other person is still "scoping" potentials out ya know? so you guys both know where you stand... so what's UP? are ya gonna see her today??? i guess the best thing to do now is go with the flow and just chill i guess and enjoy each other's company and not expect anything from it definitely see where this goes without expecting anything and if she's super fun just have fun with her heheheh..... heard from the ST girl this wkend?

 

i made a little boo-boo this weekend though trueblue! and being a girl i hate it!!!!, but heck, that's how i felt so.... i know you'll be disappointed in ME!! i sent him an e-mail on friday telling him hey this is how i feel blah blah and if we can't look pass this then this is it i just want you to be happy and of course it's sunday and still no response -but i felt like that was "My closure" and the lack of response give me all the responses i need - i guess i was "lying" to myself the whole time saying i'm able to do this and that but i needed to do one last thing!! ugh, that's IT. i'm still having the HARDEST time to swallow this pill - how long did it take you? It's been about 2 months! and i guess cause he kept re-appearing thats when those hopes come back but they SO NEED TO BE DELETED.

 

so when is the next time you're going to see your cutie! hey at least you know she's making the effort!!!! keep me posted.

 

pass some of that tanqueray here lol.

[wondering_girl]

trueblue! i spoke too soon - he sent me a text saying hey are you going? ummmmmmmm after you ignore my e-mail and ignore me after the other party? here we go again.. anyhow i didn't respond i'm like WTF. apparently he doesn't know what he wants and i can't drive myself crazy any longer.

[trueblue72ny]

hey wondering girl dont feel bad about slipping up and sending an email. at least YOU can look back and KNOW you gave it your all. you gave it everything. and you can't feel guilty about anything. i cant tell you how many times i slipped up and sent emails. too many times!!!!

 

now that he responded you guys might go back and forth for awhile with each other. i know it can be a uplifting feeling when you hear from someone finally. just be careful please. i dont want to see you get dragged thru the mud. i got dragged thru the mud for year. you not responding is a good start. it shows you mean business. besides its not really about the party you are looking to hear about from him anyway. you send him an email expressing your feelings, looking for a serious response, only to get a text asking if you are going to a party? come on! im waiting for him to man up still.

 

yessss she texted. she didnt have too after all that, but she did! she initiated contact again today as well and asked to meet up! so i did. she is making me the cd of her favorite songs to share with me. and wants to hang out again. 4 weekends in a row... hmmm!!! so yes now i am feeling like she is interested in making an effort! hey i needed to know, ya know?? after dealing with the crap from the ex i dont think i can take it anymore. i am thinking to myself wow this is pretty cool!. but i am definately going to play it cool like you suggest. and we will seee what happens! i hope its good!

 

 

i will tell you it feels good to meet someone who is interested. i sooo want YOU to be able to feel like that again wondering girl. and i know you will again!

 

i almost forgot what it felt like. i would not have got that from my ex. i would of just got the silent treatment. while she runs around with her friends or who ever she hangs out with!

 

im not disappointed in you wondering girl. you are doing way better than i was at 2 months! if its something you feel like you had to do at the time than cool! i think after some time you will start feeling like WTF more and more, if you and him are still talking and he doesn't change. i think you want more out of a relationship than what you have been getting, and you are perfectly within your rights.

 

the silence, that is what i began to take as an answer also. that was my closure for the most part. it was real hard to take that as you know also. but after the amount of time i needed to go by, went by, it bothered me less and less. now i just feel like i am on vacation from her. i took me over a year.

 

i so know what you mean when you say it keeps you hoping when they are always reappearing. i feel like i would have been over my ex much sooner if i didnt see her around work. but now it doesnt phase me nearly as much. when i do hear from her i just know its more of the same old same.

 

i find myself thinking about the new girl these days and not my ex. i am hoping next weekend we will hang out again!

Edited October 19, 2009 by trueblue72ny

[wondering_girl]

hi trueblue, blah start of another work week again, this week is going to be crazy!!!

 

wow, i'm glad that she texted, and hanging out 4 weeks in a row, oooh wee i smell a connection!!! hehe but just like i said, i would just chill and see what's up after that, and since she's made it clear that she's not seeing anyone that's good - i never really got the whole dating scene deal haha, so this is good news, you guys can both focus on getting to know each other and one good sign i noticed - even when ya confronted her, she STILL communicated and texted with you first instead of shutting you out for a couple of days? remember earlier in the relationship? i don't know how you first noticed the silent treatment pattern but it started a couple of days or a day right? so this is good?? what do you think? haha yes, i definitely forgot how to have that feeling for someone......

 

yep, so after the text that i didn't respond to he called me about 2 hrs after and didn't pick up..... yes, i sent him the note a couple of days ago that got ignored? i check my email a lot plus he's that kind of person checking and on line most of the time .....and then i had a FLASHBACK on how i went to the other party last two weeks ago (that of course he ignored me after that party), it was HURTFUL, he was silent and ugly with me so why would i wanna do it to myself again? and then i got a text from the friends asking us where WE were? i just texted back saying I couldn't make it... i didn't even know about it until yesterday until one of the girls told me about it..... i don't think i could put MYSELF through that again, it was SOOO HURTFUL and i cried and he didn't even say anything to me......so apparently he didn't go and why not? he's the one that left me and i just can't keep putting myself out there and then he's ugly with me still... plus if i went i would HATE me i i remembered how it was last time.

 

the old "ME" would've assumed oh well he did ignore my email but maybe he wants to talk about it trueblue - but i can't fall for that again, i did last party and it was bad.......... so, i guess if he doesn't mean business he doesn't need to even find me..... it HURTS i still CARE and LOVE him but i didn't wanna cry today and by not answering and going i saved myself from that.... as far as what's next i'm not sure i've just been focusing on chillin with friends and trying to concentrate on other things

 

thanks for listening!!!!!!!!! - i'm excited for the new CUTIE in your life!!

[freestyle]

Hey WG.......

 

Sorry for the delayed response, I've been on a merry-go-round of activity.

 

To answer your question, yes, I'm still with my PA bf, 4 years now. It's difficult at times, but I've also learned how to get through to him. I've called him out on his behavior often enough that I believe he's finally experiencing a greater self-awareness.

 

I went through something similar to your experience. He would go three, four days without returning calls, and it drove me up a wall, feeling insecure about our R. ( this is AFTER he talked about wanting to grow old with me, so WTF??) Then he'd finally call like nothing was amiss ("tra-la-la"). I used to let it slide, but it was eating me up on the inside so much, I finally had a meltdown and laid it on the line with him.Looong saga short,

we talk every day now.And I think he's come to understand that I won't tolerate the silent treatment, I've come to recognize for the abuse that it is. I'm over 40 now, and I simply don't have time for that kind of b.s.

 

Enough about me, I'm hoping you're doing better. After your most recent posts, it looks like your ex bf (notice I wrote ex, very subtle of me, huh?)

is doing the same stuff my guy used to......no contact then, out of the blue, " hey are you going to the party?"...............tra-la-la..........

 

 

tra-la-f'ing-la!!!!!!!!!!! It's a mind game. And after 4 years with someone, it's a heart game as well.Do you want your heart to be treated like some toy on a shelf that he just plays with when he feels like it? Kinda like a little wind-up doll?? It's almost like he doesn't acknowledge that you're a flesh and blood, real living person with a mind, a heart, and a soul.With thoughts of your own---and feelings . He was happy in his little fantasy with his wind-up doll....................

 

.............until the doll failed to follow the script. The moment you expressed your feelings, instead of just humming along to his tune (like you were supposed to) he freaked out, and shut you out.

 

I'm speculating that the thought running through his head now, is that he's waiting for YOU to "come back to your senses". Which means for you to continue being his wind-up doll, of course.........................

[freestyle]

I'd also like to recommend reading the book "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans........................it was a real eye-opener for me. You might gain a lot of insight into your ex's behavior and attitudes.

 

Not for the purposes of renconciling, I think it's too far gone at this point, but mainly to help yourself understand, so that you don't end up having this kind of relationship dynamic again. For me, it was $15 very well spent.

 

My suggestion to you is to send a final message to him, stating exactly how you feel now, and asking him to refrain from contacting you again.

Let him know that it's over, you've been mistreated far too long, and you're not tolerating it any longer.

 

Doing that will give a sense of true closure, and it will be easier for you to move on and heal. Then you can change your avatar's name, because you'll no longer be "wondering";).

 

Hugs to you.......................................freestyle

[trueblue72ny]

My eyes are burning already from looking at a computer all day at work and its only Monday here too.

 

Thank you wondering girl! I hope you are right about a connection. I believe I feel one too, but for now I am going to do what you say and just chill and see whats up. take it slow and just keep cool. Getting to know someone takes time. I certainly feel better knowing she is Not keeping her options open. Not knowing what’s up with someone is just as bad as the silent treatment. And I don’t think mentally I can take it anymore.

 

Good point. It is already a good sign that she communicates. Even in times of a crisis. Which is probably when you need to be able to the most. It is somewhat shocking to me. She did not let it hang out there for days, like you and I are used too dealing with. And she didn’t shut me out. we had our crisis on Friday night. i waited, and she texted me the next day, early that afternoon and we cleared it up just like that. when we hung out Sunday there were no funny, or weird feelings about absolutely anything. She was completely busting my stones over it.

 

In my last relationship I noticed the silent treatment almost right away. I was horrified the first time it happened. I didn’t even understand/know what was going on or what I did. it was horrible. Then after the first time it just happened everytime. Some times for days and days, sometimes weeks! With no explanations.

 

I think my new interest is nothing like my ex. AT ALL. and for that i am grateful!! like i said, i dont think i can mentally take it anymore.

 

Good for you wondering girl! I am happy to hear you didn’t pick up the phone. It probably would have just been more of the same? I know its not easy not to pick up. Like I said he is probably starting to realize you are growing real tired of his games. what about the party? Who cares about the party! You are right why would you want to subject yourself to that at a party. I wouldn’t want to go either. I would feel horrible. protect yourself from that!! you need to be around a good atmosphere with people who make you feel good and support you. you are already hurting enough from him. IF you ever got back with him, I think you would get real tired, real fast if he pulls the silent treatment on you again. And unfortunately I think that is just what would happen IF you got back together. He would hurt you again. Because it appears the way he is with his silent treatment is his psychology – the way he just is. Ya, why would you want to keep putting yourself thru that? you don’t want too. I know you don’t. that is why you are were you are right now. because you are sick and tired of it.

 

If someone wants to talk to you about something they will just talk to you about it. look what just happened with me. she wanted to talk to me about things. And did, just like that. she meant business. She was willing to put herself out there for me a little. And she doesn’t even know me that well!!!!!! Think about that!!!!!!

 

I know it is sooo hard to go thru this. Its not fun. focus on you for now.

 

Thank you : )))) that means a lot to me to be hearing that from you : ) I am excited as well at the thought of finding someone new who may be better for me than previous. I truly believed in my heart, for the longest time, that I would have waited for her forever. I guess my heart changed. I guess I just got sick of the abuse and being the only one to carry the relationship. It just kept confusing me because she would always re-appear.

Edited October 19, 2009 by trueblue72ny