Men & Complaining about SEX...

[pollswolls]

There are an awful lot of husbands here in LS that continue to moan & groan that their wives don't have ENOUGH sex with them. What really is enough? Is it to each person's discretion? Everyone is different - right?

People change thru the years as do the dynamics of a marriage - right?

 

I am a 46 year old female, married 27 years. I went thru a period of time where I chatted online frequently (Yahoo/AOL etc.) & I heard this song & dance more times than I can shake a stick at. WHY is it that every (obviously quite a few) middle aged man in America thinks that every other man is having MORE sex than he is? What is this all about?

 

If you haven't spoken to your wife about this - Do you just automatically jump on the "infidelity" bandwagon & figure "What the hell, if she won't I'll find someone who will & get that excitement back in my life that I AM DUE!" I used to laugh when a man would say these things ~ for several reasons:1

1) Don't underestimate a woman & HER power - cuz she may already be getting SOME on da side, just like you're contemplating.

2) What makes you think she doesn't feel the same way you do (assuming you haven't spoken with her)

3) Maybe she's not that into you anymore - maybe you've let yourself go.

 

Anyway, just venting & points to ponder!

[JackJack]

Most of the threads on here, that I've read about people not getting their sexual needs met, they have talked to their spouse. Many many times too. And I think maybe they feel it is falling on def ears. This goes for men and women both who might be in that situation.

[Thaddeus]

I think you're misunderstanding and underestimating the meaning that sex holds for men in a relationship.

 

When in a LTR (whether married or not), men get validation from their wives through sex. Being constantly turned down with the age-old excuses (it's too hot/it's too cold/I have a headache/the kids will hear us/I don't want to mess up my hair/etc etc etc) isn't just a denial of sex, it's a complete repudiation of him as a man, as a provider, as a mate, as a love match, as a parent (if applicable) and so forth.

 

Sex is the foundation of a relationship. Not "one of" the foundations, it's THE foundation.

 

I wish women would get this.

[The Collector]

Silly old men who have probably let themselves go, moaning and groaning and doing a little song and dance about an irrelevant issue, to wives who would be justified in cheating for some reason. Got it.

[pollswolls]

I most definitely get the sex & foundation arguement.

 

But it just cracks me up that men who are the complainers - are also the ones that say "My Wife Would NEVER Cheat On Me" - That's why I said "Never underestimate the power of a woman."

Naive men, who say never my wife & are complaining about their sex life & or relationship, are usually the ones that get burned in the long run.

 

They IMO need to take the blinders off & look/dig a little deeper.

 

I do understand as well that there are PEOPLE out there that don't think sex is as important & don't need it the way others do.

 

Individuality is a wonderful thing!

[Thaddeus]

But it just cracks me up that men who are the complainers - are also the ones that say "My Wife Would NEVER Cheat On Me" - That's why I said "Never underestimate the power of a woman."

First of all, the stories of women cheating are just as numerous (at least on this site) as stories of men cheating.

 

Secondly... it cracks you up? You take some amusement in the tales of failed marriages and destroyed families?

[pollswolls]

Secondly... it cracks you up? You take some amusement in the tales of failed marriages and destroyed families?

 

Oh My!! it cracks me up figuratively! not literally!!

That .....PEOPLE....can compalin & be naive! Fair enough?

Good grief! I was just making a point.

 

Complaining about their marriages / sex / relationships & then having the "NOT MY WIFE/HUSBAND" attitude....Ok? That's what "cracks me up."

I wasn't speaking of failed marriages or destroyed families. Yes, they would be a result of infidelity - but that's not what I was referring to.

[The Collector]

Er, I guess the humour lies in the fact that these men are dumb enough to think highly of their partners and the seriousness in which they took their wedding vows, all the while under-estimating the majestic 'power of a woman' to be a lying cheat. Personally I crack up over monkeys and wordplay, but we're all different I guess.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First of all, the stories of women cheating are just as numerous (at least on this site) as stories of men cheating.

 

Secondly... it cracks you up? You take some amusement in the tales of failed marriages and destroyed families?

 

Yes, love people getting off on facebook, myspace, chat lines, dating sites.... leading people on. And what purpose did this serve? How about reading or bettering oneself? And you ignored your spouse at this point?

 

I really don't understand what you are trying to get at here.

[GorillaTheater]

There are an awful lot of husbands here in LS that continue to moan & groan that their wives don't have ENOUGH sex with them. What really is enough? Is it to each person's discretion? Everyone is different - right?

People change thru the years as do the dynamics of a marriage - right?

 

I am a 46 year old female, married 27 years. I went thru a period of time where I chatted online frequently (Yahoo/AOL etc.) & I heard this song & dance more times than I can shake a stick at. WHY is it that every (obviously quite a few) middle aged man in America thinks that every other man is having MORE sex than he is? What is this all about?

 

If you haven't spoken to your wife about this - Do you just automatically jump on the "infidelity" bandwagon & figure "What the hell, if she won't I'll find someone who will & get that excitement back in my life that I AM DUE!" I used to laugh when a man would say these things ~ for several reasons:1

1) Don't underestimate a woman & HER power - cuz she may already be getting SOME on da side, just like you're contemplating.

2) What makes you think she doesn't feel the same way you do (assuming you haven't spoken with her)

3) Maybe she's not that into you anymore - maybe you've let yourself go.

 

Anyway, just venting & points to ponder!

 

I should be home around 6. Is it my turn to drive the daughter to dance tonight or yours?

[quankanne]

When in a LTR (whether married or not), men get validation from their wives through sex. … Sex is the foundation of a relationship. Not "one of" the foundations, it's THE foundation. I wish women would get this.

 

you've started to make me worry here: if sex is the foundation and he's not putting out, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN when HE refuses sex? I mean, besides the obvious (not sexy enough for him, medical problems, etc) ...

 

to a degree, I can feel the hurt and anger about those guys who are going without, but I've chosen to put on my big girl panties and live with it, because I realize sex is just a part of my relationship with my husband, that I value it (and him) more than a stiffy (not that I'd turn it down). Either I'm really really stupid for believing this, or someone's lying about men and their sexual "needs" ...

[pollswolls]

I really don't understand what you are trying to get at here.

 

Anyway, just venting & points to ponder!

 

That would be what I'm getting at here. Points to ponder. People complaining about significant others & yet not looking at themselves. People who complain that they aren't getting enough sex & will go to any lengths to get what is owed to them & never once thinking that their spouse could feel the very same way. Those that have let themselves go, yet complain that their spouses won't have sex with them, and so on...

 

I should be home around 6. Is it my turn to drive the daughter to dance tonight or yours?

Good one.

[carhill]

I should be home around 6. Is it my turn to drive the daughter to dance tonight or yours?

Hmmm....

 

 

OP, it's the ones who aren't complaining here who you have to be careful of. It was when my wife stopped complaining about intimacy that I knew we were done. My personal opinion is that it's a lot easier for women to have affairs than men if they've a mind to. So, it's a great way to judge a woman's quality.

 

Personally, I'd rather have less sex and more intimacy than the other way around. Masturbating inside another human being isn't my idea of a relationship. YMMV

[quankanne]

great posts, lovely ... especially this:

 

A man who yearns for his woman, in particular, because she is the core of his desire is making love.

[Sam Spade]

^^^

A hooker provides pretty good illusion/fantasy as a substitute of intimacy. It is not that difficult to fake it (for her) and feel it (for him), even while knowing full well that is is a transaction.

Indeed, this speaks even worse for wives who would have a nonchalant attitude about sex with their husbands - at some point even a hooker is capable of making him better than she is (willing to).

[JackJack]

"But it just cracks me up that men who are the complainers - are also the ones that say "My Wife Would NEVER Cheat On Me" -

 

 

IMO, no one is free of not doing something they say or think they wouldn't do.

 

I will also add, there are many people as well, who if they are getting sex or not, will say "THEY, THEMSELVES WOULD NEVER CHEAT." However, like I said no one is free of doing something or not, because no one truly knows what will happen tomorrow, or in the future. To me, its probably not a good idea for people to convince themselves, they would NEVER do something.

[Thaddeus]

Lovely10, you make some good points in a respectful, non-accusatory fashion. That, to me, shows intelligence and the fact that you've thought through this clearly.

 

Now, personally I wasn't the one that suggested that a man living in a sexless relationship should go outside the marriage to seek sexual satisfaction with a prostitute. I don't see anything good coming out of that sort of dalliance.

 

Just as one can satisfy a bodily function - eating - by inhaling a hot dog doesn't necessarily mean it's a satisfying experience. It just dulls the ache.

 

Those men who do go outside their relationships to see prostitutes because their wife has lost interest in sex are not looking for just a sexual thrill; they're looking to recapture some of the feeling of closeness that they're currently being denied.

 

Again, I hasten to add that I don't think it's appropriate and it's hugely disrespectful to the wife and the marriage contract.

 

So it's not just about genital servicing and it's not just about emotional connection. It's both.

 

Let's turn this around for a moment and approach it from a different direction.

 

In my experience, much of what defines a good relationship to a woman is what's often referred to as "emotional support": that is, listening, communicating, supporting and so forth.

 

If a man stops doing that for his wife, then she'll often turn to others to provide it. Friends, family, counsellors, maybe a church minister all can be ways that a woman can get that sort of validation.

 

But for a man who bases his primary connection to his wife through sexual intimacy, he has no such outlet without entering "cheating" territory.

[JohnP82]

I'm not married, but I can say that these stories of guys in sexless marriages is enough to cause someone to fear marriage. I admit as I hear all of these stories of guys stuck in sexless marriages that I wish they would just divorce their wives. Assuming there are no health reasons for why she keeps denying sex, why stick around with someone that doesn't desire you?

 

I'm sure I'll get blasted now....

[JackJack]

"But for a man who bases his primary connection to his wife through sexual intimacy, he has no such outlet without entering "cheating" territory".

 

 

I have often wondered how monks do without? Of course I know they aren't married, but still I wonder what their secret is, other than the higher power they are committed to.

 

Sorry didn't mean to get off topic. Back on topic now.

[Sam Spade]

I'm not married, but I can say that these stories of guys in sexless marriages is enough to cause someone to fear marriage. I admit as I hear all of these stories of guys stuck in sexless marriages that I wish they would just divorce their wives. Assuming there are no health reasons for why she keeps denying sex, why stick around with someone that doesn't desire you?

 

I'm sure I'll get blasted now....

 

I feel the same way. While i want to get married, I will take plenty of precautions should such a situation arise, such as being an actually good/interesing husband, but also having a rock solid prenup and rock solid boundaries/decision rule when to bail and divorce. Sucks to have to be looking over your shoulder, but apparently is necessary.

[PandorasBox]

I'm not married, but I can say that these stories of guys in sexless marriages is enough to cause someone to fear marriage. I admit as I hear all of these stories of guys stuck in sexless marriages that I wish they would just divorce their wives. Assuming there are no health reasons for why she keeps denying sex, why stick around with someone that doesn't desire you?

 

I'm sure I'll get blasted now....

 

 

I'm sure. I wish there were more positive stories on here of men who are getting their sexual needs met by their spouse. You rarely here of any good uplifting experiences, where some of these people are getting sex and how they have overcome their obstacles to get where they and their spouse wanted/needed to be.

[pollswolls]

I'm sure. I wish there were more positive stories on here of men who are getting their sexual needs met by their spouse. You rarely here of any good uplifting experiences, where some of these people are getting sex and how they have overcome their obstacles to get where they and their spouse wanted/needed to be.

 

How very true this is. People don't come to places like LS to say everything in their life is going fabulously. Too bad too. Cuz occasionally a success story without the drama & horror prior to the success, might be a nice change of pace.

[JohnP82]

Yeah, I like the prenup idea. I'm not sure if loss of consortium can be put into a prenup, but no fault allows you to get out for any reason.

[carhill]

There are a couple of posters in James' 'sexless marriage' thread who indeed have recaptured the sexuality of their M's in a healthy way. It's just the nature of this forum that people come to complain, not share the joy. Joyful people spend their time in the world of joy, not internet forums

[GorillaTheater]

There are a couple of posters in James' 'sexless marriage' thread who indeed have recaptured the sexuality of their M's in a healthy way. It's just the nature of this forum that people come to complain, not share the joy. Joyful people spend their time in the world of joy, not internet forums

 

This is true. When I complain here, it usually has something to do with our kids but let's face it, the odds are stacked against us in that arena.

 

As far as sex in our marriage, it's good and mutually satisfying, not to say there haven't been a few bumps along the way. I think what has helped us is striving to put the other person first. A lousy dynamic if only one partner is doing this but if both are, the bond stays strong.