Men & Complaining about SEX...

[pollswolls]

How about taking some initiative for your own desires?

 

Oh I do.

While this scenario has happened before but it is most definitely not the norm for our sex life.

I just found it ironic with posting here & the timing of it all.

[carhill]

Women choose the men they are intimate and have sex with. Choose wisely. You don't have to be with or stay with a wham bam thank ya ma'am man. Choose a man who connects with you on emotional and spiritual levels. Fight your natural attraction to the neanderthal.

[Island Girl]

I also think that men, instead of being proactive in solving the situation, retreat in a corner and sulk. This is not very attractive to a woman. Some men turn to porn, others to drink or prostitutes. And the gap widens...

 

Each sex tends to take different avenues for satisfaction if they feel they aren't getting enough.

 

Perhaps by paying attention to these clues the problem could be addressed early on.

 

For instance, for the guy who isn't getting enough sex - he needs to quit focusing on the act and his physical needs while playing up to her emotional needs and give her "romance".

 

For the woman who wants to engage her man - she could play up the physical side introducing toys, etc.

 

When there is a disconnect it seems that we get selfish don't we?

 

A man thinks of his physical need, what he isn't getting, and attempts tend to be really more of a physical "this is what I want" - when the woman is unresponsive to that or even recoils from it (often complaining she feels like a piece of meat), he pulls back even further into an unemotional shell. So that further alienates the wife because she is searching for the emotional connection - and a very damaging cycle is created.

 

If the woman is the one complaining it is often the entire act of making love that she misses. Not just an orgasm. She misses kissing, being held, feeling emotionally connected on that intimate level.

If the husband is stuck in the few minutes of intercourse, has let it become routine, when he does have sex with his wife it is still an empty act not because of a lack of orgasm (although that may an additional component because we need a bit more to get there) but because of so much more that is missing.

 

Men are microwaves. Ready and finished in minutes.

 

Women are crock pots. The process is crucial to the end result.

[Island Girl]

Women choose the men they are intimate and have sex with. Choose wisely. You don't have to be with or stay with a wham bam thank ya ma'am man. Choose a man who connects with you on emotional and spiritual levels. Fight your natural attraction to the neanderthal.

 

Hey! My neanderthal does just fine with the emotional connection!

 

- but it may due to his culture...he comes from a matriarchal society where it is understood that it is primary that you keep the woman happy and supported. Their emotional needs and requirements come first.

[carhill]

Women are crock pots. The process is crucial to the end result.

IDK....at my house, I throw a slab of frozen meat in the crock pot, plug it in and leave it running all day while I'm gone. Get home and the meat is cooked

 

My neanderthal does just fine with the emotional connection!

 

Good luck resolving that conundrum. LOL. Evolution obviates the primitive.

[Island Girl]

IDK....at my house, I throw a slab of frozen meat in the crock pot, plug it in and leave it running all day while I'm gone. Get home and the meat is cooked

 

Exactly carhill. You have to have all the ingredients - put it all together - and then the time and heat is invested for the end result. But the end result is so much more tender and juicy than a microwave!

[ReturnToSender]

A C O is essentially the same as a BJ for a man. It is oral sex.

 

Oral sex, while pleasurable for a man, would not be a permanent substitute for a climax in intercourse. Yes, an O takes place with oral sex. Yes it takes place in the form of oral sex as a BJ. But could you survive intimately with only a BJ to climax? Allowed to have intercourse but not to climax during intercourse?

 

IMO the connection and deep intimacy experienced with a G O is different, just as it is different for a man who climaxes through intercourse. It is the intimacy and the connection that makes it light years ahead of the C for me.

 

Totally...while I like oral, its not like I love and crave it. My bf has only done that a couple of times...totally fine by me. I looove intercourse though...the closeness of it, body against body, the full package does it for me.

 

I would not be happy to have to settle for oral and then 5m of intercourse. Even if I loved oral...that body to body closeness would surly be missed. That would be fair at all...

[bayouboi]

A C O is essentially the same as a BJ for a man. It is oral sex.

 

Oral sex, while pleasurable for a man, would not be a permanent substitute for a climax in intercourse. Yes, an O takes place with oral sex. Yes it takes place in the form of oral sex as a BJ. But could you survive intimately with only a BJ to climax? Allowed to have intercourse but not to climax during intercourse?

 

IMO the connection and deep intimacy experienced with a G O is different, just as it is different for a man who climaxes through intercourse. It is the intimacy and the connection that makes it light years ahead of the C for me.

 

I agree with those who suggest different strokes for different folks. For example, to counter your idea here, there was a specific thread here on LS that I read where the gf was miffed because it seemed her bf's only means to gratification were through oral. Additionally, I've had rl friends that are women who claim their only means to gratification are through oral.

[carhill]

Exactly carhill. You have to have all the ingredients - put it all together - and then the time and heat is invested for the end result. But the end result is so much more tender and juicy than a microwave!

As someone who just made and ate an outstanding mexican omelette from scratch (nothing like jalepeno's to wake me up), I just find the crockpot analogy to be a bit pedestrian. I prefer to think of sex with a woman as a fine meal I plan days in advance and prepare with tender loving care, from the shopping to the herbs from my garden to the way the meal is presented on the plate. Every detail is important and valued.

 

My wife liked crockpots. She even wanted my mom's when we split up. No way

[Island Girl]

As someone who just made and ate an outstanding mexican omelette from scratch (nothing like jalepeno's to wake me up), I just find the crockpot analogy to be a bit pedestrian. I prefer to think of sex with a woman as a fine meal I plan days in advance and prepare with tender loving care, from the shopping to the herbs from my garden to the way the meal is presented on the plate. Every detail is important and valued.

 

What you describe IS what's needed carhill. Time, preparation (with tender loving care ), all the steps from start to finish is all about the entirety of the act not just the end result.

 

Utilizing an analogy of appliances - there was no other way to discern - and it is borrowed not mine. Sorry you didn't like it...

[giotto]

I always use a pressure cooker... slightly quicker but very good results! ... unless I'm cooking on my AGA...

[sweetjasmine]

Whether a G spot is an extension of any organ, or is merely a set of nerves... it is there notwithstanding.

 

It's not a set of nerves. Studies have shown there isn't a bundle of nerves in the anterior wall of the vagina. That's simple anatomy. But there is some erectile tissue, and some women don't have very much of it, which is why some women can't achieve a vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

 

Oral sex, while pleasurable for a man, would not be a permanent substitute for a climax in intercourse.

 

It wouldn't? I know some men who prefer an orgasm from oral to one from intercourse. I also know a lot of women who prefer an orgasm from oral to one from intercourse. And, yes, some of those women have had vaginal orgasms.

[Mr. Lucky]

For instance, for the guy who isn't getting enough sex - he needs to quit focusing on the act and his physical needs while playing up to her emotional needs and give her "romance".

 

When there is a disconnect it seems that we get selfish don't we?

And so it comes full circle, back to this. If only these sexless guys were more "romantic" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sally4sara]

How about taking some initiative for your own desires? Next time when he goes for vaginal sex, tell him no until he goes down on you for a while and makes sure you get what you need first. Once he does that, I bet you won't care that his only takes 5 minutes to get.

 

Yeah, nothing is quite so hot as requesting oral from someone who it didn't occur to in the first place.

If the guy likes doing it, he will think to do it and THAT is hot.

If a guy doesn't like to do it, he will conveniently "forget" to do it as often as you don't remind him. Him doing it only because you ask is NOT HOT.

[Island Girl]

And so it comes full circle, back to this. If only these sexless guys were more "romantic" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not at all - to me it is more of the end justifying the means.

 

The way to a woman is through her emotions first. You want some physical interaction? Then start by pushing the right buttons.

 

The same would go for a man - you want more physical attention from a man appeal to him with the physical senses sound, sight, touch.

 

If I am not feeling loved and desired it is easy to shut down physically. But if I really want closeness then it has to start somewhere and shutting down will not help the problem.

 

In the end it is about overcoming our natural inclination to recoil and focus on our needs not being met instead of extending ourselves in ways that will accomplish the end goal.

 

A friend of mine was complaining about her husband not doing things that he used to do in the relationship - things that made her feel loved and nurtured.

So I asked her if she still does all or even some of the things she used to do. And her answer was of course no.

She had stopped and he had stopped. Both of them had justification to not do anything because they other wasn't - but it has to start somewhere with someone. She started putting the effort in and LO AND BEHOLD she saw a difference from him. Yin and Yang.

[Mr. Lucky]

Many of the men that post here have taken every step, implemented every plan and tried every angle that you've proposed. And while I agree that a defensive posture doesn't aid their cause, sometimes it hard not to get discouraged when an uninterested partner shuts you and down. At least in the cases discussed in this forum recently, the answers are not as simple as you represent...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Island Girl]

Many of the men that post here have taken every step, implemented every plan and tried every angle that you've proposed. And while I agree that a defensive posture doesn't aid their cause, sometimes it hard not to get discouraged when an uninterested partner shuts you and down. At least in the cases discussed in this forum recently, the answers are not as simple as you represent...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If the situation is too far gone with resentment and underlying issues that have long gone unaddressed and becoming ingrained then, as you say, it wouldn't be that simple nor should it be expected that it would be.

[NoIDidn't]

Each sex tends to take different avenues for satisfaction if they feel they aren't getting enough.

 

Perhaps by paying attention to these clues the problem could be addressed early on.

 

For instance, for the guy who isn't getting enough sex - he needs to quit focusing on the act and his physical needs while playing up to her emotional needs and give her "romance".

 

For the woman who wants to engage her man - she could play up the physical side introducing toys, etc.

 

When there is a disconnect it seems that we get selfish don't we?

 

A man thinks of his physical need, what he isn't getting, and attempts tend to be really more of a physical "this is what I want" - when the woman is unresponsive to that or even recoils from it (often complaining she feels like a piece of meat), he pulls back even further into an unemotional shell. So that further alienates the wife because she is searching for the emotional connection - and a very damaging cycle is created.

 

If the woman is the one complaining it is often the entire act of making love that she misses. Not just an orgasm. She misses kissing, being held, feeling emotionally connected on that intimate level.

If the husband is stuck in the few minutes of intercourse, has let it become routine, when he does have sex with his wife it is still an empty act not because of a lack of orgasm (although that may an additional component because we need a bit more to get there) but because of so much more that is missing.

 

Men are microwaves. Ready and finished in minutes.

 

Women are crock pots. The process is crucial to the end result.

 

 

Great post! I can't agree with it enough.

 

It does set up an ugly, UGLY cycle that's hard to get out of.

 

I remember all the crazy things I did to get his attention sexually. The toys, the lingerie, the role playing....you name it, I did it.

 

And he didn't bulge. Ever. But when he wanted sex, he expected me to be a light switch - all because of some vows. LOL. LMAO. No touching, just out of the blue passionate kissing and groping. Yuck.

 

He wasn't like that when we dated. He was never a romantic, as I am not either. But he did things that at least created the proper atmosphere for sex. After we got married, he literally took all that for granted and would basically lie in bed naked as if I was supposed to get excited by that alone. We were really young when we got married. LOL.

 

I really get the feeling that its an unspoken thing among males (not trying to start a gender war, just really exploring the idea) that marriage equals free sex. That the act of marrying a woman indebts her to them sexually forever. And yet, they don't feel that she has the same right.

 

There seems to be this attitude, a deeply ingrained belief that a man can't be made to do what he is no longer interested in, but a woman can be?

 

It doesn't make any sense to me. My husband acknowledges having that belief but not knowing how to get rid of it. We used to be so good together sexually. Here's to hoping its a phase that we can come out of better!

[sweetjasmine]

But when he wanted sex, he expected me to be a light switch - all because of some vows. LOL. LMAO. No touching, just out of the blue passionate kissing and groping. Yuck.

 

He wasn't like that when we dated. He was never a romantic, as I am not either. But he did things that at least created the proper atmosphere for sex. After we got married, he literally took all that for granted and would basically lie in bed naked as if I was supposed to get excited by that alone. We were really young when we got married. LOL.

 

Oh, jeez, I HATE that. My SO used to do that sometimes, and it was the most frustrating thing in the world. We talked about it, and things have been better. I just have to remind him sometimes.

[JanetD]

Exceptionally thought provoking and enlightening thread.

[EcstasyX6]

I really wish I would trade places and be "inside" my wifes body for a couple nights so I could truly "know" what it is like for her. I think she is a little curious as well.

 

I do pay attention, I ask questions I do the best that I can. Still, despite my best efforts there is simply no comparison between what I am able to do for her and what she does for me. She doesn't even deny it, just laughs and says some people are more givers and enjoy giving more then receiving. Ugh!!!

 

The "collective comments" on this board over the past few months have been painfully eye opening for me.

 

 

L10 - I am sorry for your bad luck. It sounds as if you have only had one sexually satisfactory partner in your life and he was unfaithful to you. That is sad.

 

 

My bf describes to me in detail what he feels when I O, in a way that no lover ever has. Now, he's eh..uh...built a certain way, but I think with adequate positioning, even if a man is should I say, average sized, he should still be able to FEEL what's happening to his partner. Also, positioning is key. I think couples tend to get into a 1st, 2nd, 3rd gear thing that's predictable, and a woman who has trouble will go into a certain place in her mind assured that she will not have an O. I know, because I did it for the first 12 years of my marriage. I could have almost yawned during sex, and it was so disheartening to know that he would always get his dessert, and I never would. Mix up the positioning so you can reach her G and change up the speed. Tantric like movements or lack of movement should I say can be extremely pleasing.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Great post! I can't agree with it enough.

 

It does set up an ugly, UGLY cycle that's hard to get out of.

 

I remember all the crazy things I did to get his attention sexually. The toys, the lingerie, the role playing....you name it, I did it.

 

And he didn't bulge. Ever. But when he wanted sex, he expected me to be a light switch - all because of some vows. LOL. LMAO. No touching, just out of the blue passionate kissing and groping. Yuck.

 

He wasn't like that when we dated. He was never a romantic, as I am not either. But he did things that at least created the proper atmosphere for sex. After we got married, he literally took all that for granted and would basically lie in bed naked as if I was supposed to get excited by that alone. We were really young when we got married. LOL.

 

I really get the feeling that its an unspoken thing among males (not trying to start a gender war, just really exploring the idea) that marriage equals free sex. That the act of marrying a woman indebts her to them sexually forever. And yet, they don't feel that she has the same right.

 

There seems to be this attitude, a deeply ingrained belief that a man can't be made to do what he is no longer interested in, but a woman can be?

 

It doesn't make any sense to me. My husband acknowledges having that belief but not knowing how to get rid of it. We used to be so good together sexually. Here's to hoping its a phase that we can come out of better!

 

All I can say is I am sorry for you..... I know very few men with partners who put in that much effort, for so little a payout......

 

BTW have you read the Marriage section closely???? Not a single male has posted on here who has not at least in their posts not gone the extra yard for their spouse and then some.

 

Yes we are married and sorry to say we expect a fulfilling sex life.... How terrible a thought.....