Men & Complaining about SEX...

[sally4sara]

Picture this and truly tell me how you would react to it.

 

You meet a man and he seems perfect. He is fun and loving and attractive and good in bed and successful. You discuss marriage/babies. You both agree that it will be best if he works for money and you run the house / raise the children.

 

You get engaged - a little bummed out about the small ring he buys you but you don't complain since you don't want to seem shallow and he says he is saving for the house. You get married. You have 2 kids and during that time you start to realize that this great guy you really do love is cheap. Not a little cheap, a LOT cheap. In fact he is in***ingfuriatingly cheap. And he is determined about it. Like you don't have hardly any headroom on credit cards/cash in hand. And he wasn't obvious about this in the beginning, he concealed it pretty well until after the first child by always talking about saving for a house downpayment (which was true). But then he really let himself be the way he really is, cheap. Literally every time you do something a little extravagant, he comments in a way that takes the fun out of it. He makes a really good living age/adjusted but you live in a part of the country where housing is very pricey AND he is insistent on saving 15% of the family income each year no matter what happens. And right now to do that, you have almost no discretionary income.

 

But he works hard and pays all the big bills and makes sure the kids get all the important stuff including music lessons and decent clothes. In fact he mainly seems cheap with YOU.

 

I am going to guess that over time that would make you feel very unloved, very tense and very angry. You would wonder why this man didn't seem to want to exert himself at all to please you in this area. You would see him as selfish and unloving. And you would be right.

 

How is a financially stingy spouse different from a sexually stingy spouse?

 

I would wonder if the standard of spending you're being held to ONLY applies to you or is he frugal about purchases for himself too.

I would wonder why you wanted to not see to ANY earning of money for the splurging you want and are upset for not being able to do. The kids get more than just their needs - more than many children can claim, so that is admirable.

The ring and stones I picked out and he had made into my beloved engagement ring came to less than $1000, so I would wonder - whats so small that it is too small?

I would wonder why you correlate sex with money one way and (are you?) with hold it. Do you only with hold it because he is cheap and you punish him this way? Cause if you really wanted sex in the first place, would this be your course of action?

 

And then I'd tell you that you might be asking the wrong person 'cause I am cheap as damn! how much does that cost?!?.

[pollswolls]

.

 

How is a financially stingy spouse different from a sexually stingy spouse?

 

The way you put it - I'd say it's probably about the same.

 

BUT - there are probably a lot of comparisons we could use in this scenario as well.

[sally4sara]

Sally: Sex is how women can pay their husbands back for all they provide.

 

I hope you know I was being sarcastic......

 

I don't think this is the mentality of all men, but rather some of the men who post on here. Maybe it applies elsewhere too.

 

All I know is both me and my partner went through a couple months of just not being all about sex, but still manged to be all about each other.

So I'm thinking it is some negative attitude that they exude that is undermining them. They're pissing their wives off in some way they don't realize? Their lack of realization only serves to piss her off more? Maybe for some it is because the guy is cheap. Others feel their husband only married them for sex and value no other aspect of them? Infidelity?

I'm trying to figure it out because I've yet to experience any real prolonged drought and the short ones were not totally inexplicable or spiteful.

[ReturnToSender]

Yeah, Im cheap too...so I probably wouldnt notice. Just like how...I rarely ever eat meat, so I didnt even notice till I was with my bf for several months that he was a vegetarian.

 

It come down to compatibility, what the needs are, if those needs are being met, and if there is any compromise being made.

[The Collector]

To be fair, more men, married or not, would get more and much better sex if they actually learned how to be good at it. From talking to lots of women, most agree that about 5-10% are awesome in bed, 50% adequate but predictable, and the rest downright rubbish. It's maybe unfair that men have more responsibility in the bedroom - or up against the wall - than women, but that's how it is.

[quankanne]

I hope you know I was being sarcastic......

 

I wasn't joking, actually. Reminded me of something DH once told me: That his first wife would not have sex with him except once a month, when he got his Army paycheck. So yeah, there are women out there that wield their sexuality like a sword, and I think that gives ALL women a bad rap!

[pollswolls]

To be fair, more men, married or not, would get more and much better sex if they actually learned how to be good at it.

 

I am standing in front of my computer applauding you. THIS is SOO true!

 

Without jumping totally on the infidelity bandwagon - why is it that if someone goes outside the marriage for sex (because they don't feel they are getting ENOUGH in the marriage...) Why is THAT sex better? It's still a man - It's still a woman? Is it just different sex that makes it "better"?

[JohnP82]

To be fair, more men, married or not, would get more and much better sex if they actually learned how to be good at it.

 

The same hold true for women. Some women are mistakenly under the impression that they are rockstars in bed. Guys will not try hard if the girl can't/wont return the favor.

[quankanne]

Is it just different sex that makes it "better"? I'm thinking it's because of the attraction – here you've got this person validating your sexuality by wanting you, when you feel your spouse won't/doesn't.

[sweetjasmine]

Biologically, unless a woman was born without a G spot, an orgasm through intercourse would be an expected result. If she is not, and she participates in intercourse, who... prey tell, is the stingy spouse?

 

The G-spot is a bit of a myth, and there are a lot of women out there who are incapable of having a vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

 

Quantity vs. quality. If a man is guaranteed to orgasm via intercourse every time, and it is biologically possible for a woman to as well, then why are the numbers so small for women who experience this pleasure?

 

Because a lot of people don't know what they're doing, and some women may not have figured out all the fine details of their bodies yet.

[ReturnToSender]

The G-spot is a bit of a myth, and there are a lot of women out there who are incapable of having a vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

 

 

 

Because a lot of people don't know what they're doing, and some women may not have figured out all the fine details of their bodies yet.

 

I was one of those women..as much as I loved sex and cant get enough of it...I didnt have my first vaginal orgasm till with my current bf. And Im about as intuned with my body as Ill ever get...lol! But I did read a bit about how as we get older, things change, mentally and phyically, and that for some women, it just doesnt happen until later in life.

 

Id like to say my guy had a lot to do with it...but to be honest, Ive been with guys who were so super attentive to everything. But who knows, maybe it is the chemistry between us that make it different. Oh I dont know! I dont know nothing! LoL.

 

All I know is..I need to stop thnking about sex...talk about a glutton for punishment here! uggggh! lol

[Mr. Lucky]

I went thru a period of time where I chatted online frequently (Yahoo/AOL etc.)

I'm going to assume that you were online looking for an emotional connection that was missing from your marriage. And that reaching out was based on the idea that others were better connected than you and your spouse.

 

So why judge the men harshly here that post under the same motivation and that are looking for the same thing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JohnP82]

What am I missing here? Return what favor? Oral sex? For the man it's like adding the cherry on top of his already jumbo sized ice cream sundae. For the woman, oral sex can be offered as a substitute to get around the fact that she didn't have a 'legitimate' orgasm. IMO this can be a conciliatory act just so she doesn't leave the sitch empty handed. A consolation prize.

 

It can be awfully disconcerting to watch someone enjoying a gluttonous big bowl of ice cream, asking for different toppings in order to make it more delicious... watching them savour every bite... scraping the bowl clean... while you sit there and get a popsicle.

 

When sex is about having an orgasm for a man his sex life with his wife/SO will suffer unless he's willing to guarantee (or die trying) the same result for her.

 

The purpose of my post was simply to state that some women are not as good as they think. The sex life can also suffer when it's all about making sure she gets off when she can barely get the guy off.

[mem11363]

So let me get this straight. Take a guy who is very practised and

patient at oral sex and lets say not skilled at using his fingers to hit the G-spot. That guy gives you a C based O. But that is seriously less enjoyable then the G based O? Or a combo C + G based O?

 

I admit that knew that the C+G thing was great, but I thought it was pretty hard to make that happen. Maybe it is simply my (deep sigh) lack of skill.

 

L10 - I agree without reservation that with regard to the pleasure equation the deck is stacked heavily in favor of us males. So I (somewhat simplistically) thought for all these many years that my oral efforts leveled the playing field.

 

If I had a partner felt so strongly about G based Os I would ask them to tell me how to make that happen for them. And then I would give it my best shot. But if I was not able to consistently perform to their satisfaction - and they had your view of things - I would definitely end the relationship. I just couldn't take being with a partner who felt that everything is so one sided. I would feel like a sexual failure.

 

 

Does the paragraph below summarize your point correctly?

 

IF

- The male can't hit the G, regardless of his efforts, AND

- He compensates by putting a lot of time and effort into making his partner feel good and he consistently hits the C

 

THEN

He is still not pleasing her anywhere near as much as she is pleasing him sexually. Therefore it is selfish and unreasonable for him to expect her to make this very lopsided equation even worse by doing things like giving him oral sex.

 

 

I am feeling depressed :( and inadequate.

 

 

 

If both the financially stingy spouse and the sexually stingy spouse arrived to the situation under the guise of selfishness and control as a tool for manipulation, then IMO they are one in the same.

 

However, if the 'sexually stingy' spouse arrived to the situation of being stingy out of reluctance for reasons that were attributed to the inner workings of the sex life as a couple... then I'd say the financially stingy spouse and the sexually stingy spouse have nothing in common whatsoever.

 

It was very interesting to read the reference to the fact that few, if any, women experience orgasms through intercourse. Biologically it is possible due to the presence of a 'G' spot. Unless the woman was born without one due to a deformity one must question how it is possible for so few to experience this.

 

I read a book recently that stated the number one complaint for men is quantity not quality of sex. With a biological guarantee that a man will have an orgasm vaginally if he engages in intercourse, and a woman who biologically SHOULD experience an orgasm through intercourse, wouldn't it be reasonable, therefore, to say that a sexually stingy spouse might be the the one guaranteed the orgasm if denying the same quality of orgasm to their female counterpart?

 

Biologically, unless a woman was born without a G spot, an orgasm through intercourse would be an expected result. If she is not, and she participates in intercourse, who... prey tell, is the stingy spouse?

 

It's like asking someone to show up to the ice cream parlor and handing them a cone with nothing in it.

 

Quantity vs. quality. If a man is guaranteed to orgasm via intercourse every time, and it is biologically possible for a woman to as well, then why are the numbers so small for women who experience this pleasure? If marital/intimate sex is seen as pleasure for the man primarily it can be quite stingy of him to deny her a G spot orgasm.

 

Being a sensitive lover doesn't have to necessarily include every position under the sun, nor does it have to be overly arduous for either party. However, I wonder how many fellas would show up for intercourse if their spouse forced them to withdraw prior to orgasm because they were finished? Just a question.

 

Furthermore, IMO, a G spot orgasm is not the same as the other C spot orgasm. G spot is light years ahead of it.

 

So, quantity versus quality? For whom does that apply?

 

For a man, being a sensitive lover may include C spot orgasm as a way to 'get her job done' in an attempt for equality. IMO it's like giving the ice cream cone with nothing in it. Shallow by comparison.

 

So, quantity. Stinginess. Interesting.

 

IMO if sex weren't a 'sacrifice' watching one have the time of their life while the other waits, well then the sexually reluctant spouse could hardly be seen as stingy.

 

If every time a man entered into a woman he knew he had to deliver what he receives... I wonder how the POV concerning quantity vs. quality might change.

[JohnP82]

Ha, all of this C, G, and O stuff reminds me of this scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall: NSFW

 

[sweetjasmine]

IF

- The male can't hit the G, regardless of his efforts, AND

- He compensates by putting a lot of time and effort into making his partner feel good and he consistently hits the C

 

THEN

He is still not pleasing her anywhere near as much as she is pleasing him sexually. Therefore it is selfish and unreasonable for him to expect her to make this very lopsided equation even worse by doing things like giving him oral sex.

 

 

I am feeling depressed :( and inadequate.

 

Don't feel depressed or inadequate.

 

The existence of a g-spot is controversial. Some studies show that there isn't a bundle of nerves in the anterior wall (meaning, no specific spot like the G-spot): http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11518892

 

As for the rest, what pleases one woman may not please another. Some women have better orgasms through oral than they do intercourse. Some women don't. Every woman is different.

[The Collector]

So let me get this straight. Take a guy who is very practised and

patient at oral sex and lets say not skilled at using his fingers to hit the G-spot. That guy gives you a C based O. But that is seriously less enjoyable then the G based O? Or a combo C + G based O?

 

I admit that knew that the C+G thing was great, but I thought it was pretty hard to make that happen. Maybe it is simply my (deep sigh) lack of skill.

 

L10 - I agree without reservation that with regard to the pleasure equation the deck is stacked heavily in favor of us males. So I (somewhat simplistically) thought for all these many years that my oral efforts leveled the playing field.

 

If I had a partner felt so strongly about G based Os I would ask them to tell me how to make that happen for them. And then I would give it my best shot. But if I was not able to consistently perform to their satisfaction - and they had your view of things - I would definitely end the relationship. I just couldn't take being with a partner who felt that everything is so one sided. I would feel like a sexual failure.

 

 

Does the paragraph below summarize your point correctly?

 

IF

- The male can't hit the G, regardless of his efforts, AND

- He compensates by putting a lot of time and effort into making his partner feel good and he consistently hits the C

 

THEN

He is still not pleasing her anywhere near as much as she is pleasing him sexually. Therefore it is selfish and unreasonable for him to expect her to make this very lopsided equation even worse by doing things like giving him oral sex.

 

 

I am feeling depressed :( and inadequate.

 

Being good in bed isn't all about technique. It's also about confidence, spontaneity, creativity, attitude and to an extent dominance. Pulling her hair can make her come but it's not because there's a G-Spot in her follicles.

[Stung]

sorry ecs, married women with unbalanced sex lives apparently don't count on this forum. It's perfectly fine for a guy to not put out and his wife mandated to be accepting of it

 

I haven't seen this extreme, but I have occasionally seen this attitude on this forum, unfortunately. Women write that their partners don't want sex as often as they used to, and (some) male posters say their men must be stressed, working too hard...or maybe the female OP is just not attractive anymore, or nags him too much. Then a man writes that his partner doesn't want sex as often as she used to, and (the same) male posters chime in that women are all frigid, and that's why men are afraid of marriage, and he should get a divorce, yada yada yada.

 

Fortunately there are many balanced, thoughtful and individually-tailored responses offered by posters of both genders to help keep things moving forward around here. I get really sick of the battle of the sexes mentality that crops up all the time.

[EcstasyX6]

Mem..

 

Don't feel inadequate. Just pay close attention to your partners responses during intercourse. It took my husband years to give me a G O. He realized that the seesaw horse thing isn't enough. Different speeds, holding still sometimes while kissing...etc., and also the woman should be completely in the moment...no thinking about the dirty dishes downstairs that you forgot to do...and it will happen.

 

Lovely,

I feel the same. A C O is nice, but an appetizer at best. However there are women who swear by them. I'm in the small percentage of women who can achieve a G O it seems, but it took years of getting to know my body, and learning how to receive my partner properly and really be in the moment. Still if the guy is fumbling, or just thinking about getting to the finish line, it won't happen.

[Stung]

 

IMO C based O's are shallow (in depth of feeling it brings) in comparison to a G based O. Fingers/hands have nothing to do with the G based O in my experience. It is experienced during intercourse.

 

.

 

 

Lovely10, I quite enjoyed the majority of your posts on this thread, and agreed with a fair amount of them or at least found the premises interesting. However, you're kind of presenting your own physical experiences as sexual gospel. Personally, my own experiences are the exact opposite: I have had vaginal G-spot orgasms (and for me, that's easier with fingers than with a penis through intercourse, although it's possible that way too) and they're definitely a nice shake-you-up buzz, but they are nowhere near the mind-blowing depth and nerve-shattering duration of a good clitoral orgasm. For me. Your mileage obviously varies.

 

Science hasn't completely caught up to the G-spot yet. Many doctors and scientists believe that, rather than a separate organ, this sensitive area is actually a part of the clitoris, which is much larger than most people think and extends a ways inside the body. Every woman is anatomically different in this area and women seem to experience orgasm in many different ways so to suggest that any women who don't achieve vaginal orgasm are either sexually cheated by lazy partners or 'deformed' is kind of a stretch.

 

That being said, I think it's in the best interests of anyone who likes sleeping with women to learn about and experiment with G-Spot orgasms, and women who have never had one should educate themselves on it too and give it a shot. Either way it's always a great thing to have in your repertoire.

[mem11363]

I really wish I would trade places and be "inside" my wifes body for a couple nights so I could truly "know" what it is like for her. I think she is a little curious as well.

 

I do pay attention, I ask questions I do the best that I can. Still, despite my best efforts there is simply no comparison between what I am able to do for her and what she does for me. She doesn't even deny it, just laughs and says some people are more givers and enjoy giving more then receiving. Ugh!!!

 

The "collective comments" on this board over the past few months have been painfully eye opening for me.

 

 

L10 - I am sorry for your bad luck. It sounds as if you have only had one sexually satisfactory partner in your life and he was unfaithful to you. That is sad.

 

 

 

Mem..

 

Don't feel inadequate. Just pay close attention to your partners responses during intercourse. It took my husband years to give me a G O. He realized that the seesaw horse thing isn't enough. Different speeds, holding still sometimes while kissing...etc., and also the woman should be completely in the moment...no thinking about the dirty dishes downstairs that you forgot to do...and it will happen.

 

Lovely,

I feel the same. A C O is nice, but an appetizer at best. However there are women who swear by them. I'm in the small percentage of women who can achieve a G O it seems, but it took years of getting to know my body, and learning how to receive my partner properly and really be in the moment. Still if the guy is fumbling, or just thinking about getting to the finish line, it won't happen.

[giotto]

3) Maybe she's not that into you anymore

 

 

^ ^ ^ This one... after many years, it's difficult to keep the level or romance up... married life changes you, because children, mortgage, work etc. change you and change the dynamics in the relationship. Also, you do get to know your spouse much better (although we were together 5 years before we married and we lived together for 4, this was done with no kids and at a much younger age, when you are still exploring life and possibilities) and over the years the little idiosyncracies become big ones...

 

I often complained about lack of sex because in my relationship I was rejected without an explanation. I'm afraid, we didn't communicate. Actually, I tried, but got nowhere.

 

I also think that men, instead of being proactive in solving the situation, retreat in a corner and sulk. This is not very attractive to a woman. Some men turn to porn, others to drink or prostitutes. And the gap widens...

[pollswolls]

I contemplated posting this - but considering the trend & posts over the last day.....Here goes:

 

This is a perfect example of some of the things that have been posted here. My husband, who has barely paid me much attention for the last 3 weeks (yes I am probably part to blame too - busy schedules & stress) But, this morning he cuddles up next to me - we have probably the equivilant of 5 minutes of cuddling & 5 minutes of sex - for which HE orgasm's. I did not. He never has been able to stop himself once he gets "that feeling" He apologized, felt bad etc afterwords (if that's any consoulation) Anyway - I'm really not my complaining. But ironically, it's an example of husbands not "Taking Care" of their wives. Only thinking of themselves.

This is in part why women sometimes balk & 'make excuses' not to have sex & then husbands complain that they aren't getting enough...& the cycle continues.

 

My 'positive twist' on this is he doesn't have to kiss me, pay attention to me or have sex with me now for another 3 weeks....Yeah a sarcastic positive twist - but it's kind of how I feel at this moment.

[bayouboi]

I contemplated posting this - but considering the trend & posts over the last day.....Here goes:

 

This is a perfect example of some of the things that have been posted here. My husband, who has barely paid me much attention for the last 3 weeks (yes I am probably part to blame too - busy schedules & stress) But, this morning he cuddles up next to me - we have probably the equivilant of 5 minutes of cuddling & 5 minutes of sex - for which HE orgasm's. I did not. He never has been able to stop himself once he gets "that feeling" He apologized, felt bad etc afterwords (if that's any consoulation) Anyway - I'm really not my complaining. But ironically, it's an example of husbands not "Taking Care" of their wives. Only thinking of themselves.

This is in part why women sometimes balk & 'make excuses' not to have sex & then husbands complain that they aren't getting enough...& the cycle continues.

 

My 'positive twist' on this is he doesn't have to kiss me, pay attention to me or have sex with me now for another 3 weeks....Yeah a sarcastic positive twist - but it's kind of how I feel at this moment.

 

How about taking some initiative for your own desires? Next time when he goes for vaginal sex, tell him no until he goes down on you for a while and makes sure you get what you need first. Once he does that, I bet you won't care that his only takes 5 minutes to get.

[Island Girl]

Well, folks I am a little late to the party - 4 pages in already - but reading through I found this:

 

But for a man who bases his primary connection to his wife through sexual intimacy, he has no such outlet without entering "cheating" territory.

 

Perhaps herein lies the problem.

 

The man should not base his primary connection to his wife through sexual intimacy.

 

There should be FAR MORE to it than that in a marriage.