BF interested in Young girls?????

[Trialbyfire]

Why are you not answering my questions? I keep asking you important questions which you are choosing not to answer here. Your response has nothing to do with my post.

 

First you tried to say it was creepy, then you tried to compare a self harming behavior with this, now you're saying underage pornography is illegal. You keep side stepping these questions.

I've stated that this is creepy and I stand by that.

 

I'm not going to play semantics with you. This type of behaviour for an almost 30 year old man is unhealthy, so the OP shouldn't have to put up with it and should strongly be concerned about illegal activity that her mate is indulging in.

[Paragon]

Miley Cyrus is 16 years old. That is underage.

 

She also said "girls from the disney channel", and there are very few, if any, on the Disney channel, who are of legal age.

 

Miley Cyrus is NOT in the WWW nude or naked....Nor are the disney child girls nude or naked on the web.

[Paragon]

I've stated that this is creepy and I stand by that.

 

I'm not going to play semantics with you. This type of behaviour for an almost 30 year old man is unhealthy, so the OP shouldn't have to put up with it and should strongly be concerned about illegal activity that her mate is indulging in.

 

First you said it's unethical, now it's unhealthy. In order for us to have a meaningful and reasonable discussion, you must choose your words carefully. It's not semantics, it's correctly conveying the meaning you want to convey. So now, WHY is it unhealthy?

 

Second of all, he did NOT indulge in illegal activity.

[kiss_andmakeup]

To the OP - you have every right to be concerned, whether it's legal or moral or ethically sound, it bothers YOU, and this is your relationship. I, too, would be a bit grossed out by my adult boyfriend (also in his early thirties) looking for naked pictures of disney teenie-boppers on the internet (and note - we both frequently watch regular porn and even watch it together, so I am a pretty sexually open-minded gal).

 

I wouldn't necessarily discuss it with him, I would just take it as a red flag and make your decision based on his behaviour. As we've said, his attraction probably won't change, even if he stops looking at the pictures. Can you be comfortable with that? If not, it's best to get out of the relationship.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Miley Cyrus is NOT in the WWW nude or naked....Nor are the disney child girls nude or naked on the web.

 

You are arguing over semantics when the point here is to post the OP. I'm not really going to argue with you on the difference between LOOKING for pictures and FINDING said pictures...come on now.

 

The OP is asking for perspective to help with her relationship. The fact that he was looking for pictures that, if found, would be illegal, is enough to cause her (and likely many other women) stress.

[Trialbyfire]

To the OP - you have every right to be concerned, whether it's legal or moral or ethically sound, it bothers YOU, and this is your relationship. I, too, would be a bit grossed out by my adult boyfriend (also in his early thirties) looking for naked pictures of disney teenie-boppers on the internet (and note - we both frequently watch regular porn and even watch it together, so I am a pretty sexually open-minded gal).

 

I wouldn't necessarily discuss it with him, I would just take it as a red flag and make your decision based on his behaviour. As we've said, his attraction probably won't change, even if he stops looking at the pictures. Can you be comfortable with that? If not, it's best to get out of the relationship.

Well said! I personally would run like the wind, over a near-pedophile.

[Paragon]

It seems to me people are not clear on where i'm coming from and perhaps that's my own fault. Am i condoning this behavior? NO! And make sure you reread my posts to see that I am not in any way condoning this type of behavior. MY CONCERN is how everyone here is very quick to pass SIGNIFICANT judgments based off an initial emotional reaction without ever stopping to think about where it comes from in the first place. Condemning a behavior should never be easy, and you better have very rock solid reasons to do so because otherwise arbitrary judgments will be the basis of your arguments, which isn't very smart.

[Paragon]

The OP is asking for perspective to help with her relationship. The fact that he was looking for pictures that, if found, would be illegal, is enough to cause her (and likely many other women) stress.

 

EXACTLY MY POINT! Addressing the stress is where this topic should be going to. Whether or not the action is creepy has nothing to do with the stress in this case.

[hoping2heal]

Paragon, it is creepy for a full grown man over 25, to be attracted to girls that young.

 

I am with you all the way. I think it's appauling the way media and society have been pushing the sexualizing of CHILDREN. The lines have become really blurred now between adult and child ESPECIALLY when you get in the tween/teen years. I think it's gross, but it's more gross when you have these parents who have their 3 year olds wearing shirts that say "little sexy" and "hottie" children should not be sexualised. That goes for the 10 year old, 13 year old, and 17 year old crowd too!

[SierraRose]

I came across something similar with my ex b/f. I was aware he was into porn, I didn't care. What DID bother me is I accidently found teen porn. These girls were made to look like they were 12 years old. My argument was, they may be over 18; however, they are giving off the impression they are MUCH YOUNGER than what they really are. To me they looked like little girls. This nauseated me...then I found gay porn. I was sick to my stomach.

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, if it bothers you and it obviously does, then this is a problem and will be a problem for while.. He has PW protected his computer so you can't look to see what he's doing online. BIG RED FLAG.

 

Talk to him and tell him it makes you feel - Hopefully he's willing to listen to reason.

[whichwayisup]

Whether or not the action is creepy has nothing to do with the stress in this case.

 

Actually it does.. In her opening post she said:

 

and it makes me sick to my stomach to think that he is into young girls.

I scolded him about it and he seemed so shocked and upset that I would call him some sort of pedaphile because he said those girls were not THAT young. I just don't know what to think anymore. He is a decent guy, very smart...

 

I just think its a little creepy he is looking up these girls naked.

It IS affecting her and their relationship. Trust is an issue now, even more so since he's password protected his computer. Who knows what else he's been looking up or if he's joined dating sites.

[Paragon]

Actually it does.. In her opening post she said:

 

 

It IS affecting her and their relationship. Trust is an issue now, even more so since he's password protected his computer. Who knows what else he's been looking up or if he's joined dating sites.

 

That's not the real issue...

[creepedout16]

Attraction is anything that may cause a pull towards that direction. I am "attracted" to babies, pretty flowers, etc, etc. However, if I was attracted, sexually, to young boys there would be something wrong with me.

 

My boyfriend is obviously attracted to young girls. At some point, though, it seems like it would don on him that it's not morally accepted to be sexually interested in such young girls. I just don't know what to do at this point because he has gone past the line of just attraction, he has tried to view these girls naked. What I don't get about him is that he has porn with young thin naked girls and then really fat women. I know it's not something I should be analyzing because he needs his privacy as an individual, but I can't wrap my finger around it. He seems normal, he seems sane. But then he googles images of disney channel stars naked??? I think there is something wrong, and you're right - whoever said that no matter what I hear I will still feel the same way. I was just trying to get a perspective on this and it seems as though some are saying its gross and some say it is just socially unacceptable, but something that isn't necessarily wrong.

[creepedout16]

Thanks for the posts guys, I didn't realize this would be quite a discussion! I still have some thinking to do because I don't really want to tell him I've been snooping. I feel like I'm at such a terrible spot right now... it does bug me quite a bit.. if this helps anyone's curiosity.. we met online. I was 16, told him I was 22 or something like that. He was 24. We talked almost everyday for a month.. I had no real consideration of meeting him, I was just messing around online. After two weeks or so of talking and really getting to know eachother I told him I was 18. Slowly I went down to my real age, 16, and he had a hard time dealing with that. I guess he got past it because we met and then dated. And here we are now. Back then, I thought it was cool to date an older guy. He could buy me cigarettes, alcohol... Now, I'm just like... I'm 22 now and I could NEVER date a 16 yr old. What the hell was he thinking??? But then, I have to remind myself I tricked him and after about a month of talking to someone every day, I guess he really liked my personality and didn't want to back out based on a number. I try to look at it from his perspective but that just confuses me more because I don't trust him 100%. I don't trust his motives for everything because we do have some problems in our relationship.. i.e. he is somewhat controlling, he has been diagnosed with being bi-polar, he told me he thought he was the devil when he was younger (??? weird, i know...but I'm not trying to trash talk him...).

 

Anyway, to get down to it: our relationship is quite the mess but I didn't really want to go into all of that or there'd be opposing arguments happening left and right. I just want to know if anyone else thought it was creepy and I got my answer. Now, what to do with it.... :-/

[Paragon]

and you're right - whoever said that no matter what I hear I will still feel the same way. I was just trying to get a perspective on this and it seems as though some are saying its gross and some say it is just socially unacceptable, but something that isn't necessarily wrong.

 

Creepedout,

 

I was the one who said that, and I didn't want to force you to look at the issues behind the problems you're having because quite frankly some people aren't ready to deal with them--that's why I just mentioned it and left it up to you

 

We all have maps of the world--everyone's map is different and you must respect and understand that. The most important thing to remember however is that the map is NOT the territory. Despite what some in this thread have said, I am NOT trying to argue semantics when I talk about the WHY of it being wrong. People nowadays are SO QUICK to pass judgment or make all kinds of value judgments and condemn behaviors, and most of the time it's just because of an emotional reaction they have to the topic. Then when asked to explain, they CAN'T! Basing conclusions, beliefs, and CONVICTIONS off of emotionally impulsive judgments is simply SILLY at best. I trust you recognize that.

 

I mentioned to you that not too long ago, 16 was around the PREMIUM age to have children at. We didn't really live very long, and believe it or not that was almost half your life! Society evolves WAY faster than biology and your reaction to his attraction to 16 year olds is indeed MOSTLY a socially conditioned one. As we age, our attraction normally ages with us, so to speak (such as in the way that people are attracted to those who are closest to their age) but some people's attraction just EXPANDS to include older people instead of excluding younger people at the same time. That seems what the case is here. My point is people are SO quick to say it's WRONG...That is irrational.

 

Now BEHIND your reactions to all this are the deeper issues which need to be addressed if you want to get anywhere worth going, but again--that's going to be your call. I'd be more than happy to talk about them with you if you'd like

[Trialbyfire]

creepedout, your username says it all. You're creepedout and have full reason to be, since his behaviour is dysfunctional and illegal.

[Paragon]

creepedout, your username says it all. You're creepedout and have full reason to be, since his behaviour is dysfunctional and illegal.

 

Do you have ANY idea what the word dysfunctional means when used in it's PROPER context? It means it hinders the person's ability to function. That is when behavior is said to be dysfunctional. So, that description doesn't really apply here.

 

As for his behavior being ILLEGAL--that's a stretch as well. Nothing ILLEGAL happened and i'm quite surprised how quick some of you are to assert how he's partaking in ILLEGAL behavior especially since topics like this get monitored by the FBI when words such as child and pornography come up in the same sentence. All info passes through content monitoring systems, and here we are saying someone is involved in illegal behavior which was never the case! Are we going to police his mind now and say he's partaking in illegal behavior in his mind?

 

She obviously has feelings for her bf and so far there have been few if any POSITIVE and CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions for how she should handle this except people saying--Yea, be creeped out. Really?

 

No one asked if the OP loved her bf, how deep her love was, was she willing to stand by him, understand him, and possibly move past this WITH him together. This is the path we should be treading on, not the one where everyone else seems to go.

[eric82]

This isn't even really about what he's looking at online, it's about you invading your boyfriend's privacy because you fear that if he's still turned on by young girls, that means the older you get the less attractive to him you will look. Isn't this why you lied to him about your age multiple times at the beginning and why you snoop on his computer and scold him now... insecurities with your looks and age? Let's be real here.

[silverfish]

Thanks for the posts guys, I didn't realize this would be quite a discussion! I still have some thinking to do because I don't really want to tell him I've been snooping.

 

I don't trust his motives for everything because we do have some problems in our relationship.. i.e. he is somewhat controlling, he has been diagnosed with being bi-polar, he told me he thought he was the devil when he was younger (??? weird, i know...but I'm not trying to trash talk him...).

 

Anyway, to get down to it: our relationship is quite the mess but I didn't really want to go into all of that or there'd be opposing arguments happening left and right. I just want to know if anyone else thought it was creepy and I got my answer. Now, what to do with it.... :-/

 

Maybe you have outgrown him. 16 is a lot different from 22, and it sounds like you have a lot of doubts about him. Yes, the porn is a bit creepy, but the 'somewhat controlling' thing is also a bit concerning.

 

What do your friends / family make of him and the relationship?

 

@ Paragon : As for his behavior being ILLEGAL--that's a stretch as well. Nothing ILLEGAL happened

 

Huh? The OP said they got it together when SHE was 16, so er...that would be illegal and a bit creepy

[Paragon]

@ Paragon : As for his behavior being ILLEGAL--that's a stretch as well. Nothing ILLEGAL happened

 

Huh? The OP said they got it together when SHE was 16, so er...that would be illegal and a bit creepy

 

Uhm, not illegal everywhere. Look at state rules on that.

 

Not to mention if her concern was ILLEGAL behavior she wouldn't have dated him in the first place, but it didn't seem like that was an issue......Not to mention it was 6 years ago.

[silverfish]

Uhm, not illegal everywhere. Look at state rules on that.

 

Not to mention if her concern was ILLEGAL behavior she wouldn't have dated him in the first place, but it didn't seem like that was an issue......Not to mention it was 6 years ago.

 

It is illegal in the UK.

Maybe 6 yrs ago she was younger and thought he loved her for who she is. Maybe now she's thinking that he just likes really young girls. The thought that might be true is backed up by his behaviour, so...

 

I am curious to know why are you so intent on defending this guy.

[Paragon]

I am curious to know why are you so intent on defending this guy.

 

Why? Well here's what I said earlier in the thread: "It seems to me people are not clear on where i'm coming from and perhaps that's my own fault. Am i condoning this behavior? NO! And make sure you reread my posts to see that I am not in any way condoning this type of behavior. MY CONCERN is how everyone here is very quick to pass SIGNIFICANT judgments based off an initial emotional reaction without ever stopping to think about where it comes from in the first place. Condemning a behavior should never be easy, and you better have very rock solid reasons to do so because otherwise arbitrary judgments will be the basis of your arguments, which isn't very smart."

 

AND

 

"She obviously has feelings for her bf and so far there have been few if any POSITIVE and CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions for how she should handle this except people saying--Yea, be creeped out. Really?

 

No one asked if the OP loved her bf, how deep her love was, was she willing to stand by him, understand him, and possibly move past this WITH him together. This is the path we should be treading on, not the one where everyone else seems to go."

 

The focus has been on how 'creepy' his behavior was, and I am trying to point out that people who say that do so on unfounded terms. I have politely pointed out numerous times though that what she expressed as the issue really wasn't the issue, and now the OP knows that. It is up to her to decide where she wants to go from here.

[whichwayisup]

Seriously end it. If he is BP (is he on meds, doing any kind of counselling) just so you know, this is a FOREVER thing! Also, this type of mental illness is hereditory, so if you plan on marrying him someday, having kids, consider that there's a high chance of your kid(s) having some type of mental disorder.

 

This is deep and much more than just the attraction to younger girls.. He has issues, and even you said there are some other problems in your relationship.

 

Take this time to think if he's worth it..if the relationship is worth saving.. Can you picture a life with him? Is he willing to get help? Can you get past this and trust him again?

[creepedout16]

I do love him, I mean I have been with him for almost six years. And any six year relationship would probably have at least a few problems, right?

 

I would like to talk to him about this but I'm going to save it until after we vacation together (We are going on a vacation at the end of October and I don't want to ruin it). I feel like we may break up if I bring this up because it is something serious to me. I understand that back in the day sixteen year olds used to be getting married.. and to older men as well. But that is not so anymore. I don't care if biologically we are made to be attracted to certain things, I am thouroughly disgusted and I think I'm going to have to stick up for myself because this will affect other aspects of the relationship if I just bury it deep inside.

As for his love for me, I'm pretty certain he'd do anything for me. Like I said, we have had a rocky relationship in the past and he stuck with it when I wasn't willing. We have broken up maybe two times that lasted for 1-2 months. I'm sure he loves me and wouldn't leave me when I get "old and wrinkley" ... but he did say when I was younger that all the girls his age look old (and he was 24!!). He also has an ongoing thing about how he thinks men age so much better than women. He is very.. ageist? I don't know.. I guess young, fresh skin does mean a lot to him. But I don't think he would ever go anywhere with that.

See, now I'm just confused because here I am defending him but then I think about him looking up naked pictures... just why? Have the men in here ever done that?