What am I feeling?

[craig841]

I have a female friend who is currently involved with someone, and I am single. We've discussed our situation, and she said she isn't attracted to me, and I said the same thing about her.

 

There is one problem though. I feel some sort of pull towards her. We talk on the phone for hours every 3 days or so, and the conversations are only interrupted by one of us having to do something or go somewhere. We argue occasionally, but always sort it quickly. I feel like she is one of the closest people to me, and that I could spend ages with her and never get bored. And I am not an emotional tampon, before any of you get started

 

My friendship with her is completely different to that of any of my male best friends. I never talk on the phone for long with any of them, no matter how good our friendship is. It's a deeper kind of relationship that we have.

 

So am I just kidding myself? Am I actually attracted to her or not? And if I am, do I need to deal with it? I used to be openly attracted to her, but after I found out she was involved with someone else, I backed off. But now the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her is that I love her, and I'm not sure in what way! Is that a dangerous thought?

 

Sorry for so many questions, but general help on my situation would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Odyssey]

Hey craig,

No i don't get the impression that you're kidding yourself. Your feelings are real but since, she doesn't feel the same for you, it will eventually hurt like hell (especially when you see her with someone else) - that's when it's dangerous. A danger to yourself because you will be the one that suffer, if you can't dial back your feelings for her.

 

I've been there myself in my school days, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. My advice would be to back off a bit and try to fight the urge to invest too much emotion in her.

[craig841]

Thanks odyssey, but she's been with her current bf for about 9 months now, and I don't think it really bothers me that much, because what's their business is their business. I just feel such a connection, but I'm not sure what kind of a connection it is. Or whether definite feelings will soon develop. How can I work it out for myself?

[Trialbyfire]

I've got a theory about guys who fall for close female friends. I think men in general, are turf protective. When females become part of their turf, they get possessive.

[craig841]

I've got a theory about guys who fall for close female friends. I think men in general, are turf protective. When females become part of their turf, they get possessive.

 

Sorry, I don't quite get what you mean or how it relates to me. Could you please explain? Thanks.

[Trialbyfire]

Sorry, I don't quite get what you mean or how it relates to me. Could you please explain? Thanks.

Sorry but I can't explain it more clearly than that beyond emphasizing that you're not physically attracted to her but feel a pull towards her. I think you're instinctually reacting to competition, even though she's had a b/f for 9 months. It's herd mentality.

[craig841]

Hmm...interesting. I'll have a think about that. She pulled away from me a couple of times because people kept telling her she was leading me on, and once I told her she wasn't it was fine. I think it's because people regard our relationship as unusual.

[whichwayisup]

You're emotionally attached and care about her..She probably does feel the same way towards you, but can't do anything about it as she has a boyfriend.

 

I do think you need to back off and she needs to back off as well. The friendship is fine if no deep feelings are involved, but it seems like there's a weird dance going on there.. Feelings get hurt, or things are magnified with double meanings and confusion..

[Ronni_W]

she's been with her current bf for about 9 months now, and I don't think it really bothers me that much, because what's their business is their business. I just feel such a connection, but I'm not sure what kind of a connection it is.

To me, it just sounds like you have a wonderful, deep, genuine FRIENDSHIP with her. It's perfectly possible to have that with members of the opposite sex.

 

At least...you two do have the makings of that. As others are cautioning, it is a matter of you managing your feelings so that they stay safely on the platonic side of the fence. If you are waiting or hoping for something romantic to develop on your side and/or on hers...then yeah, emotional distance would be wisest, which would mean giving up on the long and deep conversations, if only temporarily.

[craig841]

This all sounds like good advice...I'm going away to uni very soon, seeing her a few days before, so the distance will happen naturally. Then I think I will go from there.

[WTRanger]

That's what I thought too. I put 2,500 miles between this girl and it was a similar situation to yours. I've kept in contact and things really haven't changed. As long as you keep in contact, the distance won't mean squat to your feelings.

[craig841]

That's what I thought too. I put 2,500 miles between this girl and it was a similar situation to yours. I've kept in contact and things really haven't changed. As long as you keep in contact, the distance won't mean squat to your feelings.

 

True, but I'll be meeting new people and finding new friends, and so there will be a lot more on my mind...not saying she will fall by the wayside, but there will be more emotional distance.

[WTRanger]

If you keep talking to her on an emotional level, it doesn't matter if you meet 10,000 new people and live 100,000 miles away. Your feelings will not die down. The only way to make the distance work, is to act like they are indeed far away. Believe me, your mind will make time to think about her.