Marriage troubles.

[Clarice]

I have been married for almost two years (our anniversary is in 2 weeks). I have had questions about my relationship for a while now, and am so confused as to what I want to do. On the one hand, I think I could get a divorce, work out the logistics later, and be free. On the other, I think we could be happy if things were to change some, and have suggested seeing a marriage counselor (which he refuses to do. . . I think he's afraid of being criricized by a third party). I made a mental list of pro's and con's, and was hoping somebody could have some insight that might help me think about this more if they were to see this list- sooo...

 

Pro's are that he can be very loving, and tells me often how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have me, will occasionally pick me up a sweet little gift just to show he is thinking about me, is physically attractive, is a good lover. Con's are he has been out of work/ working part time for the last two years, leaving the financial burden to me (I am a teacher, so It's a big burden to carry), has a almost non exsistent sex drive (try 1x a month) and I am getting very sexually frustrated, prefers to sit at home and watch tv then do anything else (could call this 'different areas of interest') and he has a bad temper that ignites over what seems like small things to me (this often leads to destruction of property, which makes me chafe cause my money bought these things he destroys). I think alot of this has to do with him smoking alot of pot and this is making him lazy and grouchy, and I don't feel like we have too much in common anymore. I kinda 'grew out' of the weed a couple of years ago, it doesn't hold the same charms for me anymore as I feel it is keeping my husband from being the really cool guy I used to see. (He refuses to quit, I have already tried that, and I don't have a moral problem with him getting high, it just seems to be effecting his life in a negative way, as well as my life too).

 

We got married after a short time period on an impulse, and I often feel as if I had known then what I know now, this would not have happened. Sometimes I feel like I will explode if I don't get out of this, and other times I feel like if I were to lose him, in a couple of years I will see what I was missing out on, or have lost a chance at a beautiful relationship- I so think the potential is there...

 

I think life is too short for this mostly unhappy wait for improvement.

 

Any ideas?

[Tony T]

Well, I have several ideas. You could hire a moving company...you could rent a U-Haul Truck...or you could just leave him all the damaged furniture and start over with new stuff.

 

It's going to take a lot more than a counsellor to change this hubby of yours. He's addicted to the pot and, more than that, is subject to arrest at any moment for possession of it. If you are with him at the time, you go to the slammer too. What a way to live.

 

One of your major problems is you grew out of the weed thing and he has a bad case of arrested development. He can't get work because if he pees in the cup for the employment physical, guess what they'll find? Can you say C-A-N-N-A-B-U-S. If they give him a pre-employment polygraph, as many large employers do these days, guess which way the meter will go when they ask him if he uses illegal drugs? They probably have and he hasn't told you.

 

If he admitted to his problems and was willing to get help, I would absolutely recommend that you hang in there while he makes a serious attempt. But you have indicated he has not interest. Hell, if I had a wife willing to go out and work her butt off to support me while I sluffed around doing odd jobs and getting high... He has absolutely NO motivation to change his life.

 

There are just too many men with far less problems to deal with. He does have some nice points...but so did Adolf Hitler and so does Sadam Hussein. But those good points don't diminish the fact that the negative qualities are so horribly destructive that you don't need them in you life.

 

I know this is a difficult decision to make. But you are a school teacher. If I was a student of yours and described a situation such as the one you painted for us here, what would your advice be???

 

Peace be with you!!!

[Nina]

Ok. This sounds like a classic case of clinical depression to me. Further examination and more information would be necessary for a real diagnosis, but the symptoms you described: listlessness, irritability, the inability to hold down a job, low sex drive, all indicate a major mood disorder.

 

Now, as Tony mentioned, a lot of people will ascribe this to his pot smoking. Again and again in my substance abusing counceling I bring up the fact that addiction is NEVER the real problem. It is a SYMPTOM of a problem, in this case I assume it's low feelings of self-worth and depression.

 

I used to be a substance abuser myself, and had several friends who indulged in the same lifestyle. After medical problems forced me to quit, I realized that the laziness and irritability I had blamed on drugs were still present. I still had the same problems, I just didn't have the drugs to numb those psychological pains. I smoked pot, did coke, ecstasy, ketamine, heroin, you name it. In the end, I still know people, now that we've graduated college, who smoke pot on a regular basis. They hold down good jobs, are productive members of society, are happy.

 

Tony mentioned the inability to get a job due to drug tests. Again, inaccurate (experience could only teach you this, though). There are a lot of ways to get around that. Things you can drink, and some of the productive people I know who smoke simply stopped smoking for about 1-3 months and drank a lot of water.

 

When in the throws of a major mood disorder, we experience very illogical thinking patterns. Our reasoning, of course, becomes clouded by the depression. The difficulty in treatment lies in getting your patient to see his illogical ways of thinking. And unfortunately, if the patient isn't actively seekinghelp on his own motivation, it's extremely difficult to treat this problem.

 

So, what to do? It's up to you. You need to make sure that you're in a healthy position in life and that you're happy. Perhaps getting separated for a time will shock him into realizing that his depression is overshadowing your relationship. Try talking to him about your feelings. Warn him that you have a breaking point and that it is fast approaching. Good luck.

[magicklady]

I am usually one to tell someone to work it out, but I have been where you are sitting.. and if you think about it all the con's out weigh the pro's it sounds like. If he is not willing to get some counceling then it is time to move on. If he is not willing because he is afraid someone will tell him that he is not doing things the way he should be.. then he is he has no self esteem!! Which you don't need.. he knows that he is not treating you right. You can not continue to let him use you this way... what where his other reltionships like? Did he work before you got married? I think it is time to move on and let him use someone else, you sound like a wonderful woman, and although gifts can be nice for a time, they don't put bread in your mouth or pay the bills every month.

 

Hope it all works out for you!