Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

[soldierboy]

Okay, where do I start? Well to keep it short, I cheated on my wife. I was recently away for 3 weeks attending classes and got involved with a fellow student. We spent all of our time together and we really enjoyed being together. Both of us are married with children as well as being 22. The relationship was exciting and passionate and exactly what we both agreed was missing from our marriages. We departed ways after graduation, separated by the entire country. I miss her to a certain degree but I especially miss the passion and excitement. I think it could of been any girl that I was attracted to and it would have happened.

 

Now I'm back home and extremely uncomfortable around my wife, who by the way is 2 months pregnant with our 2nd child. It's eating me away her not knowing, obviously very unfair to her in many ways. There are numerous reasons why I'm hesitant to tell her, some being: destroying the family, morals, and even upsetting her enough to cause a miscarriage. But one reason why I am not hesitant to tell her is the concern of it ending our marriage. If children were not an issue, I probably would have told her by now. Now when I see certain women, I can only think of wanting to be with them, not just fantasizing like before. The day before I met this girl I can honestly say I never ever considered infidelity. I figured if it came to wanting to cheat, I'd have enough willpower to wait and end my relationship with my wife.

 

So why'd I do it? Is it because of the security I felt being 3000 miles away from my wife, knowing she'd never find out? So outta all this I'm looking for a resolution. I'm not 100% comfortable with divorce, but obviously not 100% comfortable with marriage. At times I feel sick to my stomach looking at my wife knowing she hasn't a clue I'm witholding information that has the power to destroy what we've built.

 

Since I have been home and have been a little stand-offish, we've gotten into tiny skirmishes, always seeming to end with talk of separating, mostly from her lips. It makes me not feel as bad when that happens, but saddens me to think of the damage we are already in, and that I do near nothing to help rebuild it.

[moimeme]

The 'passion and excitement' you speak of is that of infatuation, which is the earliest stage of love. The beginning of your love for your wife was exactly the same. However, that same infatuation cannot last - with anybody. It changes into a deeper kind of love which, to many people, is much more satisfying.

 

You might as well end the marriage if you are so badly missing this 'passion and excitement' because, doubtless, you will keep looking for it in many more affairs rather than realize that you are looking for something which you can only have for a short while.

 

People beat up on me for saying that people who have affairs are selfish, but that is exactly what you are. YOU want 'passion and excitement' and your love for your wife is not strong enough that you would deny yourself some jollies for yourself.

 

You know you love truly when your spouse's happiness is as important to you as your own. Clearly, in this case, you have chosen you over her. So tell her, divorce her, and let her find a man who actually does love her enough to give up some temporary kicks for her. Because, after all, THAT is what you commit to when you marry.

[Arabess]

Due to the frequent separations....military marriages are hard to keep together even when all goes well. In this case though, you did your thing....but the wife is pregnant.....you aren't happy.....but you don't really have the luxury of walking out. There aren't any clear easy answers.

 

Because of the pregnancy, all you can really do is be supportive and TRY to find the romance in your marriage all over again. Maybe some counseling....finding new things to do together....focusing on the good points of your relationship....rather than what you are missing by not being single. Anyone in the military can find themselves sent to a dangerous situation for an extended period of time. If that occurs, your family will mean EVERYTHING to you. Don't burn your bridges till you are sure you can't fix this marriage....at least to some manageable degree.

 

You made a mistake. If you don't think she will ever find out.....I don't know that a confession to a pregnant woman is a wise thing. Maybe you should keep your remorse to yourself and wait for better timing before spilling the beans on what happened.

 

MEANWHILE, until you decide whether or not to leave the marriage....keep your pants zipped.....and BEHAVE! It's the least you can do with a wife who's pregnant.

[Faerie Princess]

When she finds out 10 years from now, and you've been living with these ongoing feelings, how's she gonna feel then?

 

You didn't trust her, appreciate her or love her, maybe?

 

What do you want? That's the core of this issue.

 

If you want to have a happy monogamous marriage, then have it. Don't regret, don't pine, don't feel trapped, if you chose it, own it and live it.

 

If you want to be free to pursue everyone that comes across your path, then do that, but don't string your wife along believing that she has a monogamous marriage.

 

If you want an open marriage, then you got a LOT of work to do on the marriage first, a lot of self-examination and determination to go through, and a lot of communication building with your wife.

 

Maybe she'll get lucky and find someone special too. How would you feel about that? How would you feel if your wife told you she really loves so and so and wants to enjoy sex with them.

 

There's a lot to it, no?