How can i cope with missing someone so much???

[sdav0219]

I am in desperate need for advice and I would appreciate all the help that i can get.

 

I am just finishing up a semester abroad in a country on the opposite side of the world from my home. I have meet soo many cool people here and have fallen in love with this country. I plan on returning in a year... but a year can be a really long time.

 

While down here i met a really cool person, and not to sound to cliche, we totally hit it off from the first time we started up a convo. Everyone around us says that there a definite connection and how special it is to find someone like that. I totally agree as well. Problem is we got too close. We both knew that I was leaving at the end of the semester and that he was going back home because he graduated (even though in the same country). Both of us agreed that if I was staying and that he didn't have to go back, our relationship would progress to the next step. I have no regrets about the friendship that we have or the directions we took even though we knew the outcome. I wanted to live life to the fullest down here and that is exactly what i did. But neither of us intended on falling for each other.

 

Last night the inevitable happened. He left to go home and saying god bye to him was the hardest thing i have ever done. He became my best friend and I have no doubts in my mind that i will see him again, that is a sure thing. But I have gone from seeing my bestfriend everyday for the past 4 months to not seeing him at all and probably not for a long time. There is always email communication but that won't pick up until I return home in a week. He has said to me on many occasions, especially the night we parted, that all of the feelings i have for him are mutual and that he was just as upset as I was. However, in typical guy style, he was much more composed then i was. although he did shed a tear.

 

I have been in college for a while and am wrapping things up and I hav moved around my whole life, never in one place for more than 4 years, so I know about saying good-bye to people and missing them but I can't explain this.

 

It is still so fresh and i am surrounded my so many things that remind me of him and the thought of no knowing when i am ever going to see him again scares me and my heart hurts and i am a basket case. Which is unusual to me because usually i am so calm and collected. I do show emotion from time to time but for once i am at a total loss. I am crying all the time, constantly thinking about him and what he is doing.

 

How do I cope with someone leaving and missing them? I don't want to forget about him and we are still friends, but he is soo far away. How can i get over this? Can anyone help?????

[NEONINK]

They call that abandonment issues. If you have moved around your whole life, when you finally feel some roots but they are taken away, it's mortifying and extremely hurtful.

 

Only you know the answer for you, but I can say, what you are feeling is normal. I don't know your situation, but I would maybe plan on building roots one day in my life, unless you love adventure more than knowing where you will be tomorrow and the next day, and the days after that.

 

I commend your adventurous nature. I've personally only been in the same little space all my life. You've had several lifetimes all wrapped into one. This is just the payment for the price of living well. Cry and feel the hurt, but remember all the great things you've seen.

[sdav0219]

Thanks NEONINK.

 

It has been a rough couple of days and slowly but surely i am trying to get through this. This really sucks. Usually i am helping my friends get through this but this time it is me. I keep telling myself things and listening to what others are saying. But i have a disobedient (sp?) mind and it just won't work with me. Everything i think of and see reminds me of him and I just wish i could feel happy for the times we spent together instead of feeling sad, lonely, and pathetic because I miss him soo much.

 

You were right about many things in your reply. I am lucky to have had so many adventures and I have found my roots here and i can't have them. He became such a constant in my life and it freaks me out that just like that he is gone and i don't know when i am going to see him again. What can i do to make the pain go away???

[DJ-TK]

Originally posted by NEONINK

They call that abandonment issues. If you have moved around your whole life, when you finally feel some roots but they are taken away, it's mortifying and extremely hurtful.

 

I don't think it is the roots thing which is bother you, you can leave the place, you can do whatever you want and not feel sad, the issue here is that the one thing you want onstant in your life, is him and you can't have it.

 

I know this feeling... I had in a great relationship for a year, were very close and so each opther everyday, and this one dfay, I just move 6000 miles away and it ALL CHANGED. There a few issues that all got to do with it and they're allmaking you feel so bad. Maybe if you'll be aware of them, you might get yourself a little better so you'll now why yhou feel so shi@#y:

 

1. Force of Habit - You got use to him around. All your life included him and he 2was a huge part of your life, and now it all changes in a bad way, so not only he's not here, but you got use to him so much, that he was practically one of the things you were suppurted by and made it through your time there.

 

2. Things around you remind you of him - All your room, what he bought you, stuff you did in your room, your bed, your desk, EVERYTHING, is just so attached to him, yours experiences and stuff you were doing in your room (Like you remember he was making fun of something in your room or whatever). I was the one to move and so it was all new for e. My girl in the other hand, has her room which reminds her a lot of stuff we did.

 

3. (Maybe) Too much time - You just cannot sit in your room and think. you shouldn't let yourself. It's inevitable someties and even good, but for the most of the time (and this is a good tip for you to get through this) you should get yourself busy. In whatever ! Just do stuff and never get board or just sit on your bad and think... This might be another reason it is so hard for you.

 

4. You just love him so much - Even after I got through the habit in a way and got myself busy, I found myself still, just truly unhappy. So yes, I might didn't look sooo depressed all day, and all, but I felt empty and unhappy, becaue of the simple fact that I want my girl to be with me, in my life. Nothing can really change it. The only thing you ocan do is alll the other stuff to make it a little bit easier to live.

 

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Get yourself busy ! This is the key word. You might still feel sa but at least won't cry all day and you'll have the option to push in feelings and do something else. Talk to him as much as you can, even write him letters, e-mails and such.... Try more to tell him stuff in your life and share with him your life, rather to just say "I so miss you.. It is soooo damn hard..."

I didn't really understand if you're kinda in LDR or just friends and nothing more... If you ask me, I'd say to give it a shot as an LDR.... it seems like you love him so much and it's mutual and so, distance should not be the thing who is keeping you not together...

 

Hope stuff will work out... When I moved, I had the worst month in my life.. Followed by the worst year of my life... It is soooooo hard, I know....

 

Hope stuff will work out.... Get yourself busy and time will pass by a little bit fster with less tears....

[DJ-TK]

I just had to come back and say it !

 

Pictures (for me anyway...) it's the WORST !!!!

To look at letters he wrote you (if he did) is not such a good idea either....

Even if you feel like see these stuff, I would suggest you won't ! Everytime I look at pictures, it makes me so depressed...

[Arabess]

sdav,

Maybe you don't need to get over HIM...just the loneliness which you are now feeling. Since you had such a wonderful relationship....there isn't any reason to think the future may bring you back together. Email, phone calls, letters.....are ways of staying in touch even if it isn't in the same capacity you originally shared.

 

Meanwhile, there will be empty spaces in your life. Try filling them with the advice posted. It will be a 'bitter-sweet" memory for you...and for him as well. Maybe, for at least awhile, you'll want to put some of the things in a box which remind you of your time together with him....and just take them out from time to time to enjoy the memories.

 

Then again, you never know what tomorrow holds.

[DJ-TK]

Maybe, for at least awhile, you'll want to put some of the things in a box which remind you of your time together with him....and just take them out from time to time to enjoy the memories.

 

That might be a good idea if you are not together anymore... It also can give you the feeling that his stuff are not all over the place, but kept in a box which contains all of his stuff... It's a way you might let go some of the pain by knowing that he has a place in your heart, and in your room...

 

I didn't really understand though why you're not together... Is it just over because he wanted to break up ? Is it because of the distance ? Does he intend to be with you after you'll graduate or something ?

I don't know... You didn't say what now... which is probably the most important thing so you could know what you're gonna do next and how to deal with whatever you have to deal with...

[sdav0219]

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for the help you have given me.

 

Secondly, one of the reasons we are not together is because we are both at a time in our lives where we both need to figure out what is going on in our home countries. I have to finish school and start looking for grad school and he needs to start his job and figure out what he wants to do with his life. He also just got out of a long term relationship and doesn't think he is ready to be in another one. Which is what is giving me such a headache and heartache. I know in the end it will work out and only time will tell.

 

That is what sucks about all of this, that everything takes time. It is hard getting through the day without thinking of him and being reminded of him everywhere i go. I only have a few days left in this country and i should be enjoying the time i have left with the friends that are still around but i can't get out of this funk. I am afraid of being alone with my mind just going places i don't want it to go.

 

I have been telling myself all of these things and my mind just doesn't seem to want to listen. I am trying to keep myself busy but it isn't working. He is travelling right now and i can't talk to him until friday and he doesn't have email or anything. Why can't he just be with me when he has said all of those things to me? Sometimes i feel really naive. I wasn't looking for or expecting any of this.

 

That's right. I don't want to get over him... I want to get over the lonliness and heartache i feel. I want to be able to look back at the wonderful times we had together and be happy not sad that they aren't there anymore. Once again i think time is the only thing that is going to tell- and that is what i HATE. I want instant gratification and i can't get it.

 

i feel like a teenager all over again. what is going on?

[DJ-TK]

 

I don't much understand whether he told you false promises or I don't know....

Anyway, I guess it doesn't reallt matter right now... You are apart and you have to get use to it... I think one thing that hurts you so much is that you might feel deep inside that some day, you may might get together with him... And with having this thought on your mind, you have more problem in start letting it go...

 

You also said that He also just got out of a long term relationship and doesn't think he is ready to be in another one... If he really loves you and all of your feeling are mutual, I don't see a reason why he wouldn't try harder and start a long term relationship...

 

I get the feeling this mught not be so mutual, and maybe as long it concerns him, you had a wonderful time, he really likes you, and now it's over cuz it's over and he is ready to start a new chapter in his life: Career as well as love life... He might use the long distance as a kind of excuse, to back up all of his other feelings.. maybe it's not that bad for him.... I know it's a long shot but I guess it is an option...

 

 

 

Anyhow, I hope time will fly for you... I know people say that time flies by when you're having a good time and goes slowly if you are depressed or boerd or whatever... I developed my own theory about it which says that time flies by or even just go normal when you do not look at the time or the date... The fact is that people tend to look at the watch a lot when they're boerd and alomost never when having a good time, so I say, don't look at the calender (just like that) or your watch (if you don't have to..)... Just live your life and be BUSY.... I know you think this busy thing doesn't work for you, but it is. Imagine you were doing nothing all day... Then you'd be much more depressed... so it is helping you.. maybe not enough but still....

 

So anyway, good luck and hope time will go by faaaaaaaaaast....