Destroyed by Wife’s emotional affair.

[FreezorBurn]

I am lost, my wife had an emotional affair with some ****’in jerk at work and 2 months later it is still tearing me apart.

 

The affair was completely text book in every way:

She felt I didn’t appreciate her Job

She withdrew emotional and didn’t care about things that bothered her before.

She became disinterested in sex

She went to work looking like a slut.

She lied about seeing him and stayed at work late

She said they where "Just friends"

Excreta…

 

Every sign was there I was too stupid and in disbelief to notice them. She told me she did it because she felt this Guy (let’s call him married A-hole) appreciated her and her job and she could talk to him.

 

I caught her threw flirtatious emails and phone records. She says, they only got close for the past 6 months. She also swears they did not have sex and I have no proof they did have sex.

 

Doesn’t matter the affair hurts worst then anything you could imagine. I wrote her a letter giving her an ultimatum “End it now or lose your family.” She has complied and has done everything I ask to patch this up but my Anger and Depression about this is overwhelming.

 

I need advice from people that have been threw this (don’t say counseling I won’t do that). I am dealing with:

 

Anger issues: Most the time I am completely fine, then something triggers it and I get angry at her for cheating on me. I say nasty things to her and tell her I have no trust in her anymore.

 

Trust: I want to know how to trust her again. I make her give me updates where she is and who she is with. But I don't trust her and I am not sure I can Believe what she has told me about her affair.

 

Whether they had sex isn’t even the issue, I would have preferred she had a one night stand instead of this Emotion Affair.

 

I feel so hurt, betrayed and LIED too I keep thinking I should divorce her but that would tear our family apart. The pain for me is still horrible and my recovery is set back to 0 every time i think of A-hole. I'm not sure, I can continue on with our marrige after this betrayal.

[ReturnToSender]

Im sorry but this is *really* hard to read with all the formatting code. Can you please repost this?

[Owl]

I suggest you file for divorce.

 

I get that you're angry. I get that you're hurt...and it all makes sense that you feel this way.

 

But you've already come here asking for help, but have done so with both hands tied behind your back.

 

You said to "forget counseling, I won't do that".

 

Trust me as someone who has recovered a marriage from infidelity, if this is your limit, then your best bet is just to go talk with the divorce attorney instead.

 

From my experience, there is pretty much NO WAY you're going to be able to recover your marriage from what its gone through without some serious professional assistance to guide the two of you through that process.

 

You can try, but you're removing probably one of the best possible chances you'd have to succeed.

 

You'd be better off served by saving yourself the time and anguish of trying to reconcile and just go ahead and divorce.

 

I am curious though...why are you setting this limitation?

 

Most betrayed spouses welcome any tool they've got to rebuild the marriage...why do you feel this way about using this resource?

[tami-chan]

sorry you are in pain...how long ago was discovery day (d-day)?

[FreezorBurn]

I am curious though...why are you setting this limitation?

 

 

We know a psychiatrists personally and have a marriage counselor that is in the family. They are both the biggest screw ups in there personal lives. I can’t see taking and advice from any of them.

 

Obviously I guess I could or should try someone else, but what benefit could a third party provide That I could not read out of a book?

 

 

This affair was discovered 2 months ago.

[tinktronik]

We know a psychiatrists personally and have a marriage counselor that is in the family. They are both the biggest screw ups in there personal lives. I can’t see taking and advice from any of them.

 

Obviously I guess I could or should try someone else, but what benefit could a third party provide That I could not read out of a book?

 

 

This affair was discovered 2 months ago.

 

Honestly, many therapists or counselors have screwed up personal lives. However they have training on how to work with your particular set of issues. Just because you screw up your personal lives does not mean you don't know how to do your job.

[Dexter Morgan]

I caught her threw flirtatious emails and phone records. She says, they only got close for the past 6 months. She also swears they did not have sex and I have no proof they did have sex.

 

first off, she is a liar. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of her cheating mouth.

 

2nd, 6 months of this and they didn't meet sometime to have sex....I don't buy it for a minute.

 

but unfortuntely, you will never know the real truth. But you have enough based on what you found.

 

 

Doesn’t matter the affair hurts worst then anything you could imagine. I wrote her a letter giving her an ultimatum “End it now or lose your family.” She has complied and has done everything I ask to patch this up but my Anger and Depression about this is overwhelming.

 

has she? Do you have passwords to ALL her email and social networking accounts? and by ALL I mean any work email as well.

 

And something else, if she goes on "girls nights out"...well, she f####d that up.

 

 

I need advice from people that have been threw this (don’t say counseling I won’t do that). I am dealing with:

 

Anger issues: Most the time I am completely fine, then something triggers it and I get angry at her for cheating on me. I say nasty things to her and tell her I have no trust in her anymore.

 

well, I suppose the anger will subside, but you will NEVER forget what she did. and you will now always be at least somewhat suspicious of her whenever she is not around. You willing to put up with a life of that?

 

 

Trust: I want to know how to trust her again. I make her give me updates where she is and who she is with. But I don't trust her and I am not sure I can Believe what she has told me about her affair.

 

and what is her attitude when you ask for these updates? Is she annoyed by it? Does she get defensive or angry? If so, then you might want to reiterate the "lose your family" thing again. She needs to show the utmost humility and humbleness when you ask these questions. She should just expect that you find out something like this and "get over it".

 

 

Whether they had sex isn’t even the issue

 

right, because even if it was just emotional, if they found themselves in a hotel room together, you better believe he'd have his way with her.

 

 

I feel so hurt, betrayed and LIED too I keep thinking I should divorce her

 

well keep that in your mind...because in my opinion, that is what you should do. Its the only way to rid yourself of any thoughts you will have about her being unfaithful that hurt.

 

Of course, if she is ok with the questions, being an open book, and pretty much being on house arrest when it comes to certain unacceptable activities, then its your call.

 

 

but that would tear our family apart.

 

no, her AFFAIR would be what tears the family apart. she must not have given 2 squirts of piss about the family to engage in an affair.

 

when you cheat on your spouse, you also cheat on your children.

 

 

The pain for me is still horrible and my recovery is set back to 0 every time i think of A-hole.

 

understandable how you feel about this other man, but if you feel this way about him, it should go double for your so-called "wife".

 

 

 

I'm not sure, I can continue on with our marrige after this betrayal.

 

 

well if you decide to contact an attorney, I know its a scary thing. But believe me, the kids will be fine, and you will be GREAT after its all said and done. Life with a cheater is no life at all.

 

So if you are thinking about divorce, it is rough to go through, but after its all over, its much better than the alternative....looking at the cheater's face and wondering what better life out there is waiting for you.

[Owl]

We know a psychiatrists personally and have a marriage counselor that is in the family. They are both the biggest screw ups in there personal lives. I can’t see taking and advice from any of them.

 

Obviously I guess I could or should try someone else, but what benefit could a third party provide That I could not read out of a book?

 

 

This affair was discovered 2 months ago.

 

They can create a 'safe haven' for the two of you to work through your problems...they can act as a 'referee' to keep either of you from going out of bounds while trying to focus on the issues. They can act as a "neutral observer' who can give candied observations on how you each are dealing with the issue, suggestions on how to change or modify what you're doing in trying to reconcile.

 

Don't take me wrong...I can suggest a couple of great books for you to start with...

 

But a book won't provide real FEEDBACK, a book won't provide you a safe format to communicate with each other.

 

The biggest thing that the MC did for my wife and I was to create a time and place we could go and talk about the problems, and we knew that the other person wouldn't be allow to attack/blameshift/bullshyte...and he helped us create a structure to work on this stuff outside of our appointments as well.

 

But it wouldn't have worked without him establishing the framework first.

 

My suggestion would be that you need to SHOP AROUND for a good counselor...just like you would for a good doctor, roofer, lawyer, etc... There are some excellent ones, and there are quacks.

 

But I'd suggest that if you want to give this a try, you need to get all the help you can get.

 

If not...save your money for the courts/divorce attorney fees.

[FreezorBurn]

well, I suppose the anger will subside, but you will NEVER forget what she did. You willing to put up with a life of that?

 

in my opinion, that is what you should do. Its the only way to rid yourself of any thoughts you will have about her being unfaithful that hurt.

 

when you cheat on your spouse, you also cheat on your children.

 

well if you decide to contact an attorney, I know its a scary thing. But believe me, the kids will be fine, and you will be GREAT after its all said and done. Life with a cheater is no life at all.

 

 

 

You might be a Phyco, but you bring up many good points that I have to reflect on. thank you.

 

I do not want to yell and make her sad and cry all the time. What kind of Marrage would we have if I did that. I hope time will heal but it has not so far.

[65tr6]

(let’s call him married A-hole) appreciated her and her job and she could talk to him.

 

 

You have two choices..

 

Continue to wallow in anger and depression OR

 

1) fight for your marriage under your terms

2) divorce

 

I can't advise you on the 2) option.

 

BUT back on the first option...

 

1) Take charge. I know, you have grieving to do. Your wayward wife is no position to do anything else at this point. However she MUST end the affair and not see the OM for rest of her life.

2) EXPOSE the affair by calling married man's wife. Can you do that today ?

3) Read, read and read. There are plenty of great books out there

4) Have your wife send a NC (no contact) note to OM. Can you have her do that today ?

5) Change your behavior. This is SO important. Almost all affairs are preceded by bad marriages. Looks like yours is no exception

6) Have your wife quit her job

7) Start open and honest discussions about the A. Have her tell you everything.

 

Accept the fact that dealing with emotionally checked out wayward wife is next to impossible but can be done.

 

Do you have any kids ?

 

How long have you been married ?

[Dexter Morgan]

I do not want to yell and make her sad and cry all the time.

 

nobody said you have to, but if all she sees is a cowering puppy dog, she learned a very valuable lesson.....she has you right were she wants you.

 

 

What kind of Marrage would we have if I did that.

 

what kind of marriage is it with a woman that spread her legs for another man?

 

but if you are wanting to work on it and keep it for whatever reason, just don't be a fool and let her walk all over you, and manipulate you into giving her a free pass. she has amends to make and consequences to face.

 

 

I hope time will heal but it has not so far.

 

it will heal, but at what price? there will still be a scar leftover. And that scar will take form of ongoing suspicion, no matter how small the suspicion may be, and a shaky level of trust and wondering about what she is doing when not with you.

 

So while I think you will come to a point where it doesn't hurt nearly as much, the marriage is now tainted as one is a cheater and got some strange outside it. To me that is an imbalance that would make anyone want to throw up.

 

So you have to ask yourself, can you look at her face the rest of your life and NEVER get mad inside knowing you are looking at a cheater? If the answer is NO, then why stay and torture yourself?

[Dexter Morgan]

You have two choices..

 

Continue to wallow in anger and depression OR

 

1) fight for your marriage under your terms

2) divorce

 

I can't advise you on the 2) option.

 

but I can, so Freeze, if you ever want advisement on the 2nd option..been there, done that, and have loads to advise you on.

[whichwayisup]

How much effort has she done to try to regain your faith and trust in her again? Is she genuinally sorry and regretful of her EA? IS she remorseful, and is she taking responsibility for her choices, not trying to justify them? Is she bettering herself by seeking counselling? Asked you to go to marriage counselling with her? Or talk to a paster/priest?

 

OK, question period over..

 

If you love her and feel she's worth another chance, then give it your best. Start talking about how you feel and why. Start a daily journal, understand your triggers, fears, your anger.. Learn to put things in perspective, to control your own reactions.. Put more effort into her (she has to do the same for you as well!) and the marriage. Reconnect, remember WHY you two fell inlove and got married. Be a better husband, a better listener, show your appreciation, make sure she knows you love and need her. Be romantic, show her not only in words, but in actions that you two CAN work through this.. Again, she has to be willing to put in the same effort, own up to her mistakes, choices and not blame you.

 

Keep venting and posting - It'll help you with your anger, as well as getting alot of feedback from people here on LS.

 

Hope this helps.

[whichwayisup]

Oh! One more thing.. Is she willing to quit her job or ask for a transfer? Recovery will be ALOT harder if she still works with this guy..

[silktricks]

I'd probably tell her that her first step MUST be changing jobs...

 

Counseling isn't the only way, but it does help most people. (and yes, many counselors are hugely f*cked up themselves - but that doesn't seem to stop them from being able to help others, for some reason.) But, it isn't the only way...

 

THe main thing though is straight up straight forward communication with your wife. Is she in abject sorrow over what she did? Or is she trying to blame you? Be very clear... no matter what shortcomings you may have as a husband (and I'm not trying to be mean - everyone has shortcomings..) her affair was IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT!!! This mess is on her. OK. That said, if you truly want to recover your marriage, you will need to work on you, as well.

 

LS helps as a sounding board, but it does seem like counseling would help, too....

 

Sorry - gotta get back to work.. good luck.

[Guitarjeff]

I too was going to ask about the job thing. No way in HE double toothpicks that I would even consider staying together if she thinks she were going to keep the same job where she sees this guy every day, NO WAY. That would be the first demand right on the spot. Marriage means more than a job, way more. New jobs can be had, easier than good marriages. If she is truly sorry and wants to stay together, she will have no objection to getting another job, plain and simple.

[mark982]

telling the om wife would be a great next step,why should he be able to walk away scott free.

[EcstasyX6]

If you love her and really want to make it work, I agree with Lovely;

"She has to prove who she is." It's about her proving that she really indeed wants to be with YOU. Also, you also have to get to the bottom of WHY she cheated. After reading lots of posts, it seems to me that it's sometimes due to lack of attention or was it sex? What's her libido like vs yours? Were you 'getting her there'? Was there more romance at one point, talking, etc? Is someone working more? Is there a new stressor keeping the two of you apart?

 

If she's a repeat offender, then I'd question if she loves you at all. If she really loves you, then you've got something to work with IMO. Good luck.

[LakesideDream]

Changing jobs... Normally (three years ago) an inappropriate emotional relationship at work would demand a change in jobs. These days, the reality is that this option might not be possible. With unemployment reaching 12.5% in California (and that doesen't count those who have "given up") a new job may be impossible to find, and a good job may be a couples #1 and #2 assets, ahead of housing and other physical assets.

 

If a new job isn't possible then what? A return to the existing relationship with 100% committment is the only reasonable option. How is that going to happen in a close workplace enviorment? Truthfully it probably isn't.

 

I've been talking for over a year here on LS about how the economic situation is going to affect marriage and relationships, and largely have been ignored. It seems that the situation is getting worse as the days without financial relief grow longer.

 

We depend on each other in relationships. Not just emotionally but financially in many cases. Splitting up these financial partnerships is tearing the fabric of our society. The consequences of one partner "walking away" have never been as high.

[FreezorBurn]

Wife holds a powerful position at work and he was a contractor. I forced her to dump the company he works for. She sent him a goodbye letter saying they could no longer be “friends”. He replied that it is “unfortunate I feel that way, when none of it was true.” Apparently people still think if they “did not have sex” they could not been having an affair. (I caught them red handed threw secretive emails and text messages.)

 

This weekend was a rough roller coaster for us. She started crying again and I demanded a Divorce. She screamed she should just kill herself. These where emotions talking she’s is much too mentally stable. She said "we will not divorce" I don't think thats up to her but she demanded it anyway.

 

We have been together most our lives. We started dating at 16 years old and have never left each other. Now after this, I am starting to feel like I can be without her. Maybe I can have a good life without her? Maybe I can find another woman and be just as happy are even happier? Many People could not understand this but when you spend most of your life with someone. You start to feel you can’t survive without them. Now after her Emotional Affair/ Betrayal I was so hurt that I see now I can live without her.

 

I am 38 in good to great shape, make good money and I am an expert skier, rock climber and sailor. The Point is, even with two kids (that I will fight for custody of.) I feel like I have HOPE of finding another companion in life.

 

Not sure if we can get threw this “accidental” Betrayal. My eyes are wide open now and I am thinking I can find a different honest, pretty girl, with good morals to spend my life with.

[Owl]

If you're divorcing, why bother insisting that she break it off with him? If you were interested in reconciling, I'd get it, but since it sounds like you're already headed down the other path I'd say why bother?

[seibert253]

I agree with The Wise One.

 

If you are going to D her, why care if she continues with the OM? File, have her served, then help her pack.

 

If R is possibly on the horizon, then by all means she needs to go NC, and both of you need MC.

 

The good thing is you are in charge. Whether or not you remain married is not up to her. It's your decision to make. My advice is to take your time before deciding to D or not. You are still in the shock, hurt, and anger stage. You emotions will change over time.

 

If I were you, I'd lay out what you require from her before you will even think of staying married:

1. NC with other man

2. MC

3. Complete transparency on her part.

[FreezorBurn]

If you're divorcing, why bother insisting that she break it off with him? If you were interested in reconciling, I'd get it, but since it sounds like you're already headed down the other path I'd say why bother?

 

 

I have no idea Owl. I don't know what the hell to do, where to go or who to talk to. Thats why I'm on this damn web sight talking to a bunch of complete strangers about the most personal problem I have ever had.

 

I am completely humiliated and assamed of this and I have no f@#$'in idea what to do. Maybe I don't want her with him becuase I totaly hate him.

[Athena]

I don't know what the hell to do, where to go or who to talk to. Thats why I'm on this damn web sight talking to a bunch of complete strangers about the most personal problem I have ever had.

That's your mistake (and one I made too when I first discovered my H's A's) -- not confiding in a few trusted family members and friends. You need to do this. For your own sanity you need to find a couple of people you trust in.

 

I am completely humiliated and assamed of this and I have no f@#$'in idea what to do. Maybe I don't want her with him becuase I totaly hate him.

 

Your reaction is completely normal -- you feel humiliated and ashamed that YOUR wife cheated on you, and WHAT does that say about YOU as a man? As a husband? etc etc... this is the faulty thinking part... it is not what you did or did not do for your wife that 'drove' her to the other man. It was your wife's decision and choice to selfishly pursue a destructive way of bolstering her self-esteem while at the same time attacking yours.

 

I am not at all surprised to read of your angry outbursts at her, at the triggers which suddenly hit you and your Healthy Reaction of anger (granted, the way you might take it out on her may not be healthy, but the emotion of Anger that you feel, FreezerBurn, is your emotion's way of alerting you to the fact that you have been unjustly wronged!)

 

So -- what are you going to do about it?

Firstly, put off making a major decision for at least six months. You cannot expect yourself to make the best decision while you are in the throws of emotional upheaval.

 

Secondly, it's not imperative for you to seek to TRUST your wife, at least, not immediately! Heck, no.

I personally suspect there's a whole pack of lies that she is hiding from you, why on earth would she have told you All already?!

If you persevere, and pressure her into telling the truth, over time, more truth will leak out, and you will end up getting more and more angry... so just be aware of that. I do think it would be best if your wife immediately told you the worst of it, but it is highly highly unlikely you have heard anything more than the tip of the iceberg... affairs unfortunately follow a pattern of minimal disclosure, lies, continued contact with the affair partner (that's why you should do what other poster's have advised you to do about telling the OM's wife! So that she can shut it down on that side, and your wife will not have the freedom to contact her MM. Plus the bonus to that is that you will likely feel like you have taken some Power back by inflicting consequences on the A-hole! So do that, okay?).

 

Listen, what you are feeling and going through now is Normal! So just understand that and don't be pressured into thinking 'All' or 'nothing' Right Now.... this is all going to take time to process and to fully understand it is now part of your relationship and your life... it's hell, yes, but in time it will become the new normal and it won't affect you as negatively as it does today.

[Athena]

I just want to add that for a lot of us betrayed spouses who do not confide in Others about what's going on, the problem is that we are so badly hurt, and we are seeking comfort, assurances, advice, and help from the very person who willingly betrayed us for months and months on end!

 

This is a ridiculous set-up! And the person who gets hurt the most is the BS... not to say that all parties do not get hurt in this Affair business, but the BS gets the most pain inflicted on them.

Please find someone to confide in! You might want to pick a trusted family member on your wife's side to tell, because if you choose someone on your side, they may hold it against your wife forever more, even if you end up with her... for me, I EVENTUALLY after years, and several more D-days, chose to confide in my H's brother's wife -- who is smart, invested in the family, and as it happened, also dealt with a near-affair in her own H (my H's brother!).... she and I were both married to brothers... similar positions...

 

Now, about the counselors who practice IC or marital counseling when THEY themselves are screwed up -- Avoid Those counselors! How would you go to an Image Consultant who looked like a bum on the street?

There's a difference between hiring a plumber whose own house is in need of repairs (or a mechanic, etc who can DO the job), and a professional whose very success depends on practicing what they preach -- you don't want a pastor whose family is screwed up telling you how to live a good life, and you don't want a shrink who is a screw up... so go find a therapist who practices what they preach and has a marriage that is held together and a family who is healthy... mine (counselor) has both!

 

You need to do whatever you can to keep yourself together -- to keep a positive image of yourself, to keep strong, and to take healthy, proactive steps towards a good decision for yourself. Don't make the mistake of letting it 'sort itself out' -- it won't, it will only fester and get worse... take charge and take action to Help Yourself! Don't try help your W, but try help yourself first!!!!!!!!! (put your own airmask on in the airplane, before assisting children and others....!!!).