Destroyed by Wife’s emotional affair.

[Owl]

Athena is giving you some good advice.

 

Seek out a support system...someone you can talk to in person.

 

Don't be afraid to "expose" your wife's affair...and keep in mind, this is HER failing, not yours (as a man, I know how hard that is to accept).

 

Seek out counseling...individual AND marriage (if you think you want to reconcile).

 

Work out a goal...divorce or reconciliation.

 

THEN take action.

[Athena]

The sister-in-law I chose to confide in wasn't even nearby -- she lives in another state, and I communicated with her largely by phonecalls, and some emails. It really helped.

In turn, I was a listening ear for her marital issues, different ones. I think it's healthy to give and take...

 

So, don't be put off if family members or friends do not live close-by. You can phone them for help.

[NOTSURE7]

i know i am giving you an answer from the persepctive of a ws but i am hoping maybe this will help...

 

my w did choose to confide in a few people,my mom and 2 of her friends,i beleive it helped her immesely to have that support,we also started mc right away which has done amazing things for our m as well as for her personally,please dont disregard mc because eventhough my mc is divorced herself she is amazing and knows just the right things to do and say and helps my wife and our marriage.the fact she is divorced does not take away from her abailities to help us. you should give it a try..

 

my w often talks about the rollercoaster and how she dosent want this in her life and never asked for this in her life,she says why me,why did you turn my life upside down.

 

but she also loves me and wants our marriage to work, and she knows that i also want the same things and that in order for it to work we have to be strong together and work though the rollercoaster of emotions,i continue to support her and be there for her.we have had some amazing moments within the rollercoaster ride,she has begun to understand that this is truly a long ride and that eventhough these emotions are there,that we can endure them and one day emerge stronger as a result.

 

anyway my point is that if you and your w are commited to making your m not only work but to recognize what went wrong and to make your m stronger, if your w has commited to do whatever it takes not only now but for the long haul then you need to continue to work on it..

 

I know and understand the rollercoaster of emotions, i see it everyday,but we have never even discussed divorce as an option,if you want your w and your marriage and most importantly she in turn wants you and your m more than anything in this world and she is truly remourseful,truly in full and i mean full nc and she is doing whatever it takes to restore some faith and trust in her, then maybe you should take diivorce out of your mind, i know its hard when those emotions creep into your head and you just want to run away and get a divorce ,but divorce is final and at least for me i am glad that although difficult i am working hard to ensure only success in my m and i beleive my w sees that and understands that we will emerge stronger one day down the long winding road.

[Athena]

personally,please dont disregard mc because eventhough my mc is divorced herself she is amazing and knows just the right things to do and say and helps my wife and our marriage.the fact she is divorced does not take away from her abailities to help us.

 

Agreed! There is a huge difference between a counselor that is divorced, and a counselor who is a total screw up in their personal life!!!!

A divorce could have been completely necessary in the therapist's life -- a cutting of unhealthy ties.

But if you get a person who is a mess in their personal life (like you say the two you know are) then avoid them as MC.

[FreezorBurn]

Should I send a letter and expose the EA with my wife to the other guys wife?

 

I feel this may be a mistake because he may start calling my wife again? He will just tell his wife I'm a insane Husband, but I can provide proof to her.

 

We are kinda at a resting point now and our marriage is still intact. If I tell the other guys wife wont that hurt the Proggress (be it little) that we have made?

 

If I do:

Should I call?

Should I Email?

Should I Regulare mail everything and all the Proof?

If He gets divorced (They where on the brink of divorce already) Can this Legaly Haunt us in there divorce?

 

Should I expose this to the other mans wife? I really want to see him suffer but I could really care less about them and there relationship.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am completely humiliated and assamed of this and I have no f@#$'in idea what to do. Maybe I don't want her with him becuase I totaly hate him.

 

When I divorced my xwife, I knew she'd end up with the OM. My thoughts? better him than me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Should I send a letter and expose the EA with my wife to the other guys wife?

 

absolutely! she deserves to know what kind of louse she is married to.

 

And if your wife gets upset that you ratted him out, then she wants to protect him. Then I'd tell her to pack her bags.

 

 

I feel this may be a mistake because he may start calling my wife again? He will just tell his wife I'm a insane Husband, but I can provide proof to her.

 

whether his wife believes you or not, you did what needs to be done. if she wants to believe her cheating husband after that, its up to her.

 

and whether she believes you or not, you WILL have put some doubt in her mind, and she will be more suspicious.

 

 

We are kinda at a resting point now and our marriage is still intact. If I tell the other guys wife wont that hurt the Proggress (be it little) that we have made?

 

if your wife has no feelings for him or the affair is over, then why should it hurt your "progress". Only way it would hurt is if she is still having an affair, or cares too much for him.

 

bottom line, if your wife wants your marriage to "survive", then she should care more about you and less about what happens to the MM. So if progress is hampered by you ratting MM out, then it means that you were trying to make progress with a cheater that isn't all that serious about her marriage and is only acting like it on the surface.

 

 

If I do:

Should I call?

 

I'd say call, she'd be less likely to think you are lying. Or maybe a face to face lunch?

 

 

Should I Regulare mail everything and all the Proof?

 

you could do this too in addition to a call.

 

 

If He gets divorced (They where on the brink of divorce already) Can this Legaly Haunt us in there divorce?

 

not in the least.

 

 

Should I expose this to the other mans wife? I really want to see him suffer but I could really care less about them and there relationship.

 

yes, you should expose him.

 

but if you want to see the OM suffer, then you should have the same desire towards your wife. She is no better than him.

 

So if you want to see the OM suffer, I'd say get rid of your wife as well.

[NOTSURE7]

Should I send a letter and expose the EA with my wife to the other guys wife?

 

I feel this may be a mistake because he may start calling my wife again? He will just tell his wife I'm a insane Husband, but I can provide proof to her.

 

We are kinda at a resting point now and our marriage is still intact. If I tell the other guys wife wont that hurt the Proggress (be it little) that we have made?

 

If I do:

Should I call?

Should I Email?

Should I Regulare mail everything and all the Proof?

If He gets divorced (They where on the brink of divorce already) Can this Legaly Haunt us in there divorce?

 

Should I expose this to the other mans wife? I really want to see him suffer but I could really care less about them and there relationship.

 

again i am a ws so take my advice and use it how you feel it will benefit you, i hope my persepctive at least helps you...

 

personally i feel that exposing and telling all to his wife really serves no purpose for you, i know others advocate it and they also advocating telling the whole world what happened..

 

i dont see how you telling this guys wife what has happened will benefit you, you need to be thinking about you here,you need to concentrate on your w and your marriage and your own feelings..you need all your energy and emotions to deal with the situation you have been handed

 

do you really need all the hoopla and crap and nonsense that will come with telling her?, do you need to be somebody elses story or gossip?do you need this man maybe causing trouble again in your life? your problem is with your w,he was only a player in the affair. you have enough to say grace over at home,why stir up more trouble or burden yourself with the problems that will result from exposing the cheater to his wife.

 

my w needed some outlets so she chose a select few to help her,but she never exposed the A to the world and she never confronted the ow or her h..it just would have made things worse in a time when we need to be focusing on eachother and our m..

 

i know it would give you a great deal of satisfaction to tell her, i get that,i understand it and i know the natural instinct would be to tell her but please think about it in the overall picture and say to yourself will this help me,, will this help my marriage,will this really serve any purpose other tha getting that satisfaction or revenge...i think you will find the answer is a resounding no..

[Athena]

Look, I personally chose not to tell on my H's exOW (plural OW) if they had any SO's -- this is because H was Done with them (it was history)... the reason why I suggest YOU tell your W's MM's W, is because I am not so sure she really is done with him for good... even if she has temporarily stopped it with him (and I HIGHLY doubt she has), what is there to stop her from picking up with him in the future?

 

With NS7, his wife knows he will not pick up again with his OW. He has been brutally honest with his wife and told her everything... whereas in your case, I am not seeing that kind of brutal honesty from your wife, and a statistic I know is that wives who cheat most often do NOT tell all the truth, as opposed to more often than not a husband who cheats and tells, does tell all, or mostly all.... she as a woman stands to lose more than a man does... anyway, forget this... bottom line is you tell the MM's wife so that she can keep an extra set of eyes on the possible continuation of the affair... so that you can decide what to do in your M without a third person in the bed, or in the bedroom... and a second advantage to you is the feeling of Empowerment it will give you... when you feel you have NO power, and no say, it can and often does lead to Depression... so take some power back and Make things happen, tough luck for the AP's that they don't want you to do that and expose them! They didn't consider YOU while they were at it for months on end.

 

I think you should phone her and tell her. Mention you have proof... if she wants it you can email it to her. But then end it there... don't get into a drama there, but do by all means tell her what she is really dealing with... and who knows, she may in turn help YOU when she finds out more factual information about What Really Happened in that affair... her H might be more willing to spill the beans than your wife.

[Athena]

she may in turn help YOU when she finds out more factual information about What Really Happened in that affair... her H might be more willing to spill the beans than your wife.

 

... and that in turn may help you make an important Decision further down the road, about your marriage, and your wife.

 

... because right now, you are not dealing with all of the facts -- just with half-truths.

[Dexter Morgan]

again i am a ws so take my advice and use it how you feel it will benefit you, i hope my persepctive at least helps you...

 

personally i feel that exposing and telling all to his wife really serves no purpose for you, i know others advocate it and they also advocating telling the whole world what happened..

 

I disagree. yes, the biggest reason would be so that the OM doesn't get away with cheating on his wife.

 

But it does serve a purpose for freeze here. if he rat's his wife's OM out, then he can see how she reacts to it. If she acts like it was his right to rat the OM out, then at least it might seem that she wants her M.

 

But if she gets angry that he ratted out the OM, then he knows where he stands with his wife, and that wife's priorities are out of whack.

 

 

do you really need all the hoopla and crap and nonsense that will come with telling her?

 

after finding out his wife has been having sex another man, I think he can handle whatever comes his way as a result of informing the OM's wife that which she deserves to know.

[seibert253]

It truly is a sad state when some are telling you, well it's not going to effect you, so what's the need in telling the OM's wife. Wow, some people just don't get it.

 

It's not about doing what's right for you, it's about doing what's right, period. Doing what's right for you, and damn everyone else is a pretty selfish way to go about life.

 

I'll put it this way; if a guy is going to jump off the bridge do you:

A. Go about your way, well if he jumps it's not gonna affect me

B. Call the police and get him help

 

Same principal.

 

Yeah there are going to repercussions for exposing. Your wife will be pizzed because now she'll be exposed for what she is. A cheater and a lier. She should have considered this before embarking down the road she chose.

By the way, Ray Charles can see your not getting the whole story here. Exposing to the OM's wife will begin the smackdown effect.

She'll put the smackdown on him, and I'll bet he'll throw your wife under the bus. The reality of loosing your home, 1/2 your income, and your kids has a profound effect on many WS's. Especially men.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah there are going to repercussions for exposing. Your wife will be pizzed because now she'll be exposed for what she is. A cheater and a lier. She should have considered this before embarking down the road she chose.

 

this is one of the reasons that I say tell the OM's wife. to see what kind of protectionism Freezes wife starts exhibiting. If he rats the OM out, then her reaction to it will be the information Freeze needs to tell if she wants the marriage, or still wants the OM.

 

If his wife gets "pizzed", then that says she wants to protect the OM, and therefore isn't all that serious about the marriage. If she shows signs of protecting the other man, then Freeze should pack her bags and stuff a boot in her arse.

 

so for those saying that ratting the OM out does him no good, I disagree. It helps him find out where his wife stands with her reaction to her piece of side ass getting outted.

[seibert253]

this is one of the reasons that I say tell the OM's wife. to see what kind of protectionism Freezes wife starts exhibiting. If he rats the OM out, then her reaction to it will be the information Freeze needs to tell if she wants the marriage, or still wants the OM.

 

If his wife gets "pizzed", then that says she wants to protect the OM, and therefore isn't all that serious about the marriage. If she shows signs of protecting the other man, then Freeze should pack her bags and stuff a boot in her arse.

 

so for those saying that ratting the OM out does him no good, I disagree. It helps him find out where his wife stands with her reaction to her piece of side ass getting outted.

 

Dex is right. After you expose, especially to the OS, it will crystal clear where your wife stands. Then you can chart out your course of action. Whether you need to hit hard, strong, and quick, or you can lay back and let it her relationship with the OM die a slow steady death.

[schewter]

Should I send a letter and expose the EA with my wife to the other guys wife?

 

I feel this may be a mistake because he may start calling my wife again? He will just tell his wife I'm a insane Husband, but I can provide proof to her.

 

We are kinda at a resting point now and our marriage is still intact. If I tell the other guys wife wont that hurt the Proggress (be it little) that we have made?

 

If I do:

Should I call?

Should I Email?

Should I Regulare mail everything and all the Proof?

If He gets divorced (They where on the brink of divorce already) Can this Legaly Haunt us in there divorce?

 

Should I expose this to the other mans wife? I really want to see him suffer but I could really care less about them and there relationship.

 

 

Been reading through this whole thread and the similarities to my ordeal are uncanny. First off freezorburn, it is not a given that your wife had anymore than an emotional affair...some on here are more cynical than others and that is a pretty big bridge to cross for a lot of people. It's okay to give your wife the benefit of the doubt on that score since you know her better than anyone on here. That said...I totally concur with how much pain the EA can be...I told my wife that I'd have rather she had a one night stand with some nobody than to have allowed someone else in places only I have been. By all means tell his wife but don't be at all surprised if she is a little indifferent...he sounds like a serial and his wife will better know the kind of guy he is than you or your wife. At least you'll be able to illustrate to your wife that there are bigger a-holes out there than the one she's married to...that's what happened when I contacted the OM's wife...now my wife knows he's a creep...that strengthens my hand. One year and five days past D-day and we are doing very well. Whatever you decide...good luck.

[FreezorBurn]

Talked/Interrogated her last night demanding any and all proof she can produce. She has apologized many times and said she will do anything she can to give me peace.

 

I strongly feel (I’ll never be positive) she is telling the truth and they did not have "sex of any kind." She has never had the capability of lying this well before when asked direct questions.

 

I have been putting her threw a lot the past two months and I have have dragged out many details and none where horrible. Like I said if she could lie so good that she can fool me that would be a completely NEW skill she never had before.

 

Her stories seam to tie back into each other and she never hesitates or stutters like she would if lying. During this EA she was great at keeping quiet and secretive but lies to direct clear questions she has never been good at. At least the time I have been with her 16 to 35 years old.

 

 

So if this is true I am the BS of a EA, and even without sex this Betrayal has completely re-arranged our lives and marriage and nearly destroyed it.

 

Thinking of our 2 kids, I am going to give it a shot with her. We have a clear understanding :

 

"remember what I told you yesterday. The smallest lie or secrete about any of this will be absolutely unforgivable and destroy everything. Tell me everything now,every time and place you where together and you will save our marriage and family, don't and our family/marriage will be gone."

[JumpinJimmy]

FB, be prepared for what she may disclose in the coming weeks. People are amazing at their ability to spin the truth when it comes to saving their situation. Just because it 'clicks' doesn't mean that she is not withholding info that she thinks will hurt you more. I agree that a EA is typically more devasting than the PA, specifically for women since the cannot as a rule have a PA without having any true feelings for the OM at all, while the opposted is typcially true for men. With that said, it is possible for her to have an EA only, but I wouldn't bet on it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Talked/Interrogated her last night demanding any and all proof she can produce. She has apologized many times and said she will do anything she can to give me peace.

 

anything??? Ok then....sit with her and have HER call the OM's wife to inform her that she screwed her husband.

 

put that on the table, and see if she refuses. If she does refuse, then her words of "anything she can to give [you] peace" was just that.....words.

 

 

I strongly feel (I’ll never be positive) she is telling the truth and they did not have "sex of any kind." She has never had the capability of lying this well before when asked direct questions.

 

you strongly feel that way because she is good at lying and you are DESPERATE to want to stay married for whatever reason, even if the reason isn't for her.

 

 

I have been putting her threw a lot the past two months and I have have dragged out many details and none where horrible.

 

 

*sigh*...of course they aren't horrible. she will only tell you what she thinks will save her ass.

 

 

Like I said if she could lie so good that she can fool me that would be a completely NEW skill she never had before.

 

cheating was never a new skill that she had before either....right? but now......

 

 

Her stories seam to tie back into each other and she never hesitates or stutters like she would if lying. During this EA she was great at keeping quiet and secretive but lies to direct clear questions she has never been good at. At least the time I have been with her 16 to 35 years old.

 

 

So if this is true I am the BS of a EA, and even without sex this Betrayal has completely re-arranged our lives and marriage and nearly destroyed it.

 

*sigh* looks like she got away with it.

 

 

Thinking of our 2 kids, I am going to give it a shot with her. We have a clear understanding :

 

"remember what I told you yesterday. The smallest lie or secrete about any of this will be absolutely unforgivable and destroy everything. Tell me everything now,every time and place you where together and you will save our marriage and family, don't and our family/marriage will be gone."

 

 

I'm sorry, but she can do this to you again, and you won't do a thing about it.

 

Good luck with that.

[FreezorBurn]

Yes Dexter,

 

Your points are valid and each one is like turning a knife in my stomic.

 

I will never trust her again, I will be keeping a sharp eye out,

If the time comes and all trust is lost.

I will hire a private investigator,

I will hire the best lawer I can find to get custody of the kids,

I will go to court with proof from a private eye and records I have now.

 

I have spent most of my life with this women. I am having a very hard time with the idea of trashing our family 2 kids and our marriage. When I am reasonable sure she is being truthfull.

 

We have been togather since we where 16 so now at 35+ year old. I am trapped and have no idea how to be single or date or find someone new. I would stay alone and be a bachelor with 2 kids.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes Dexter,

 

Your points are valid and each one is like turning a knife in my stomic.

 

that is not my intention to upset you, but rather give you a well placed slap to the face to get you to wake up!!!

 

 

I will never trust her again, I will be keeping a sharp eye out,

 

if you will never trust her again, then there is no reason to stay married to her.

 

 

If the time comes and all trust is lost.

 

you already said you will never trust her again.

 

 

I will hire a private investigator,

I will hire the best lawer I can find to get custody of the kids,

 

I really don't believe you will.

 

And sorry to say, unless she is abusing the kids, or doing drugs, etc....OR if she doesn't want custody herself, she WILL get custody if she fights it.

 

She is the mother, she will win unless some of those other things above are true.

 

 

I will go to court with proof from a private eye and records I have now.

 

the proof will mean nothing. It will only give you a "reason" to file for divorce. Cheating and infidelity DO NOT factor in to custody or splitting of the marital assets. It should, but it doesn't.

 

 

I have spent most of my life with this women. I am having a very hard time with the idea of trashing our family 2 kids and our marriage.

 

you wouldn't be the one that did that.....she did.

 

 

When I am reasonable sure she is being truthfull.

 

but you will never trust her again, as you said above.

 

 

We have been togather since we where 16 so now at 35+ year old. I am trapped and have no idea how to be single or date or find someone new. I would stay alone and be a bachelor with 2 kids.

 

I did it at 38. Its not a problem. And better to do it while you are relatively young, rather than in your 50's.

 

The alternative? grow old with a cheater and be miserable in your constant suspicion of her.

[Athena]

"remember what I told you yesterday. The smallest lie or secrete about any of this will be absolutely unforgivable and destroy everything. Tell me everything now,every time and place you where together

 

While she may be telling the truth, be aware that it is near impossible to tell every little detail about a relationship which spanned months and months, so it WILL take time for SOME details to come out -- not that she will be hiding them, but that she will have 'forgotten' them, etc

 

Listen, you know your wife best of all, and if you are sure she is telling the truth, then she most likely IS.

Even with my H, as good a liar as he is, I can STILL tell when he is <uncomfortable> and even trying desperately to <sidestep> the question he doesn't want to answer because he will have to lie to cover something up, so he merely <redirects> or bats off a questions which stands to reveal something... but that behavior in itself, is telling.

 

Anyway, when my H does tell all about a certain A, and I feel it's genuine, it usually is. The converse is also true -- when I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is lying, yup, he is... every time.

So use your intuition, your gut feeling, and your common sense. You watch her body's behavior while she is 'telling the truth', because while it's easy to lie with Words, the body is much more difficult to control... that's why people lie better over the phone (less clues with only voice inflection, hesitation, strained, etc) than in person with the whole body in front of you for viewing for signs that contradict what is being said.

The easiest way to lie is by email... no behavioral content there, and yet... with me and my H I STILL caught onto his lies because of the content of the email (the way he was following a pattern like before when he lied) AND what he left out... AND his break from his usual responses and timing of email replies... THAT'S what first alerted me to his latest affair in March of this year... and I put pressure on him to tell me... he avoided telling me for a month... then finally broke and admitted it.

 

So, yes, you do know your wife best of all. But are you an observant person? You really cannot only pay attention to Content of talk (and that the story ties up seamlessly is good, however) the body talk is important. For me, it is glaringly obvious... jeez... even that poster with a thousand names on this LS site... as soon as he rears his head with a new screen name, I KNOW it's him, I recognize him... my point is that you get good at what you practice and what you put your focus on.

[FreezorBurn]

I called the other mans wife.

 

What a screwed up situation. They have been separated for 2 months that’s almost the exact same time I found out about the Emotional Affair. She said she knew about there friendship and encouraged it but had no idea my wife told me nothing.

 

She didn’t seam to care about anything I told her. She honestly thinks there was no sex involved, because she new where he was most the time and knew about there friendship. I was the only dumb ass left in the dark.

 

She seemed way more concerned about me. The fact her newly ex’ed husband could have been cheating on her for the last year of there marriage did not phase her in the least. They are currently divorced and she has no idea what or who he is doing now.

 

So that didn’t provide much of anything my wife may as well had an emotional affair with a single man. So his ex-wife gave me all her numbers and told me to call her with any questions.

 

Was there any key questions I should have asked her?

[schewter]

When I spoke to the wife of the a..hole my wife was involved with I aked her if her man was a player and whether he'd ben ufaithful to her in the past. It was important for me to know that he was the pursuer...both answers were affirmatives. I also wanted to know if they were in a committed relationship since his schtick was that he and his wife were divorced but that he was staying in the basement for the kids. That was BS...his wife had just come back to him about a month before he started chasing my wife. Of course, this made my wife look and feel like an idiot (and rightfully so) but in all fairness the guy sold it pretty good...he was ready for a hook-up anytime any place...you have her number if anything should occur to you.

[FreezorBurn]

Maybe I should have a revenge EA with his wife.

[JumpinJimmy]

Yes, the glaring question. For not really caring about what he was doing for the last year of her marriage, she knew an awful lot about where he was at and the fact that he had a lady friend. Either she cares more than she says or is not telling all. After that, I don't think you're going to get much useful information from her.