Destroyed by Wife’s emotional affair.

[Dexter Morgan]

I called the other mans wife.

 

What a screwed up situation. They have been separated for 2 months that’s almost the exact same time I found out about the Emotional Affair. She said she knew about there friendship and encouraged it but had no idea my wife told me nothing.

 

She didn’t seam to care about anything I told her. She honestly thinks there was no sex involved, because she new where he was most the time and knew about there friendship. I was the only dumb ass left in the dark.

 

she is in denial. probably because she doesn't want to lose her comfortable and familiar life.

 

oh well, you did what you needed to do, its up to her. But if she is making excuses for him saying there was no sex involved as if it made a difference....then why are they separated?

 

 

 

She seemed way more concerned about me. The fact her newly ex’ed husband could have been cheating on her for the last year of there marriage did not phase her in the least. They are currently divorced and she has no idea what or who he is doing now.

 

ok, so not just separated, but divorced.....why if she thinks sex didn't happen?

 

 

So that didn’t provide much of anything my wife may as well had an emotional affair with a single man. So his ex-wife gave me all her numbers and told me to call her with any questions.

 

Was there any key questions I should have asked her?

 

no, if she thinks no sex went on, there isn't much she is going to tell.

 

But if you think no sex happened, you are fooling yourself. She effed him, no doubt about it.

[seibert253]

Damn Freezer, you just can't get a break. A pizzed off wife of the OM is usually a big help in ending a A, and a real fog buster. Keep plugging away my man.

[Athena]

Maybe I should have a revenge EA with his wife.

 

That's been done already by a LS member -- check out Lorenzo's thread about getting revenge on his W's MM by sleeping with MM's W (and falling in love with her!)

[JB1]

Hey FB,

 

I'm going on month 8 since I found out about my wife's EA. My wife and I have a similar background to what you've described and I went through a lot of the things you're talking about. I figure though as long as there was no sex between them we can work through it. She swears that there was not and I believe her. I imagine you feel the same way. I asked her parents for help which shamed her in a big way.

 

Do you feel like your marriage is worth saving? Honestly, I have my good days and bad days with that question. Ultimately though, I have a three year old with my wife and I'm working extra hard for my daughter's sake. However, if I had any inkling at all that she screwed the guy, I'd hit her with divorce papers so fast her head would spin.

 

The main thing I've taken away from this is that we men can be naive about relationships. The best thing I've ever heard regarding relationships is that men find someone they can have sex with and figure the rest will work itself out. Man, that is the truth. Women are different. They want a friend, lover, father, brother, second cousin, Starbucks barista, chiropractor, Dr Phil, Oprah and Daddy Warbucks combined. That is their dementia.

 

My current course of action is to plug away at work, keep my nose clean and be as good a husband and father as I can be. My wife does currently have an emotional male friend and I know he is in love with her. I don't think that she realizes it yet. When she does, she'll have to make a choice. I wouldn't mind if she chose him, she's hurt me that badly. He's nice enough and makes a solid living and I would sit back and watch with relish as his life implodes. Hah! You reap what you sow. Then, my friend, I am free to live, go and do as I please.

 

Until then, I'm riding that roller coaster. That's actually what led me here. I'm having one of my bad days. Be good and don't do anything that a divorce court would hold against you. Gotta get custody of the kids. Above all else, get the kids. Good luck.

[schewter]

Hey JB1...heard the same quote put another way that sounds about right:

 

"A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need".

[FreezorBurn]

Hey FB,

 

I'm going on month 8 since I found out about my wife's EA. My wife and I have a similar background to what you've described and I went through a lot of the things you're talking about. I figure though as long as there was no sex between them we can work through it. She swears that there was not and I believe her. I imagine you feel the same way. I asked her parents for help which shamed her in a big way.

 

Do you feel like your marriage is worth saving? Honestly, I have my good days and bad days with that question. Ultimately though, I have a three year old with my wife and I'm working extra hard for my daughter's sake. However, if I had any inkling at all that she screwed the guy, I'd hit her with divorce papers so fast her head would spin.

 

The main thing I've taken away from this is that we men can be naive about relationships. The best thing I've ever heard regarding relationships is that men find someone they can have sex with and figure the rest will work itself out. Man, that is the truth. Women are different. They want a friend, lover, father, brother, second cousin, Starbucks barista, chiropractor, Dr Phil, Oprah and Daddy Warbucks combined. That is their dementia.

 

My current course of action is to plug away at work, keep my nose clean and be as good a husband and father as I can be. My wife does currently have an emotional male friend and I know he is in love with her. I don't think that she realizes it yet. When she does, she'll have to make a choice. I wouldn't mind if she chose him, she's hurt me that badly. He's nice enough and makes a solid living and I would sit back and watch with relish as his life implodes. Hah! You reap what you sow. Then, my friend, I am free to live, go and do as I please.

 

Until then, I'm riding that roller coaster. That's actually what led me here. I'm having one of my bad days. Be good and don't do anything that a divorce court would hold against you. Gotta get custody of the kids. Above all else, get the kids. Good luck.

 

 

JB1 Thanks for your responce and yes I am 80-90 percent positive she did not have sex with him. Dexter and the Now blocked user Phonix seam to be venting fustrations over there own issues. I have investigated and dug into this more then most people could possible do and I honestly do not think they could have had sex. But they DID have a emotional affair for sure and she was lieing to me for a year. That is what is the pain I am dealing with.

 

I was very blunt and forcefull with her. Demanded she end it or leave the Family.

[Dexter Morgan]

JB1 Thanks for your responce and yes I am 80-90 percent positive she did not have sex with him. Dexter and the Now blocked user Phonix seam to be venting fustrations over there own issues.

 

hey, been there done that. If you want to dismiss what I say in your effort to make excuses for her, be my guest.

 

I "think" they had sex. But whether or not that is true, what is pretty much a certainty is that she would very much LIKE to have sex with him and had the opportune moment presented itself, she would have had sex with him.

 

 

But like I said, if you are desperate to believe the best(of the worst), and are looking for any reason to not see things for how they are....then good luck with that.

[Snowflower]

Hey FB,

 

I'm going on month 8 since I found out about my wife's EA. My wife and I have a similar background to what you've described and I went through a lot of the things you're talking about. I figure though as long as there was no sex between them we can work through it. She swears that there was not and I believe her. I imagine you feel the same way. I asked her parents for help which shamed her in a big way.

 

Do you feel like your marriage is worth saving? Honestly, I have my good days and bad days with that question. Ultimately though, I have a three year old with my wife and I'm working extra hard for my daughter's sake. However, if I had any inkling at all that she screwed the guy, I'd hit her with divorce papers so fast her head would spin.

 

 

JB1 Thanks for your responce and yes I am 80-90 percent positive she did not have sex with him.

 

Why is it that so many guys think 'no harm, no foul' as long as their wives didn't have sex with the OM?

 

For most women, an EA is a PA waiting to happen. A very wise poster here on LS has posted this many times.

 

Most women need the emotional connection first before taking the relationship any further. This is generally true for most romantic relationships that a woman is involved in-not just A's.

 

So if your wife is in an EA-you can be almost positive she has thought about taking the relationship to a PA.

 

She might have even acted on it as Dexter mentions. If she hasn't, it won't take much for her to go this route.

 

JB1 and FB, you can take this advice (from a woman's perspective) or leave it...the severe damage to your marriage has already been done...your wives are most likely disconnected emotionally from you and once a woman loses that connection to her husband-it is difficult to get back.

 

Don't discount an EA...simply because there has been no (?) sex.

[schewter]

I don't see him discounting anything...he is obviously devastated by the emotional affair but takes some measure of relief in the fact that it did not go physical. What is your and Dexter's problem with that? I have read Dexter's story and I understand his seeming bitterness but EVERY woman who goes down a wrong path does not end up in bed...some women, believe it or not, veer away at the last moment despite their physical desire for various reasons...my wife, for instance, turned away because she knew that there would be no coming back once she crossed that bridge. In the subsequent year she has come to see the fog she was in and the sleaze that she was both dealing with and to some extent displaying. She feels shame and guilt and everything else one feels when they've made poor judgements. Give the guy a break for chrissakes. And Dex, to state thjat you believe it went physical is to suggest that you know this gentleman's wife even better than he, which, of course, is ridiculous, Every woman that has an affair whether emotional or physical is NOT your X-wife.

[Snowflower]

I don't see him discounting anything...he is obviously devastated by the emotional affair but takes some measure of relief in the fact that it did not go physical. What is your and Dexter's problem with that?

 

My point is that men often, not always, but often discount the EA part of the affair since it didn't go physical. The true damage to a marriage is often done by the EA part alone, and that is my point. The physical part is usually just the icing on the cake at that point.

 

I am not trying to generalize all men, but men don't often 'get' what an EA really is-either their own or their wife's. So often you will see the the term 'it was JUST an EA' or it didn't mean anything because there was no sex, etc.

 

Some people (men more often then women) do not even think there is such a thing as an EA and then one day can't figure out why their spouse is leaving them for someone else.

 

schewter, I'm very glad to hear your wife's situation wasn't as bad as you thought... I truly hope your marriage has recovered.

[schewter]

Snow...I am actually one of those men who sees an EA as worse than a one night stand that has no feeling attached to it. I know most men statistically can get over this sort of thing quicker than most women, my wife thinks I have taken it too hard but that's just me. The poster who started this thread, I don't believe, would be here if he too wasn't devastated by the EA his wife had. But I am disturbed when strangers tell someone that this or that happened when they know not any of the principals involved as people. We can't make assumptions based solely on our own experiences; paint every person who ever strayed in a marriage with the same broad brush. I don't accuse you of that but some posters on here are just so damn cynical.

[Snowflower]

Snow...I am actually one of those men who sees an EA as worse than a one night stand that has no feeling attached to it. I know most men statistically can get over this sort of thing quicker than most women, my wife thinks I have taken it too hard but that's just me. The poster who started this thread, I don't believe, would be here if he too wasn't devastated by the EA his wife had. But I am disturbed when strangers tell someone that this or that happened when they know not any of the principals involved as people. We can't make assumptions based solely on our own experiences; paint every person who ever strayed in a marriage with the same broad brush. I don't accuse you of that but some posters on here are just so damn cynical.

 

There is a lot of projection that goes on here. I think it is unavoidable because we can only advise from our own experience. And I know my feelings about EAs vs. PAs are strongly influened by what has happened to me and yes, my perspective as a woman.

 

I really try not to use the broad brush approach...I have yet to see an affair scenario that even remotely resembles what happened in my marriage. I've seen some scenarios with similarities but nothing that makes me think, "OMG, that is just like what happened to me." I wish I would come across one here, but so far it hasn't happened. As a result, I try not to look at each situation that I read about objectively.

 

I kind of tend to agree with you about the ONS-no feelings attached scenario. I just hate to see anyone discount the damage done by an EA because in my opinion, this is where the real damage to a relationship is done. An emotional attachment to someone else undermines the entire marriage. I just don't like to see the EA component minimized is all.

 

A PA can also be bad but it can sometimes be overcome when the emotional attachment is minimal at best. Of course, it all depends on the circumstances. Thanks for your perspective, shewter.

[Devil Inside]

There is a lot of projection that goes on here. I think it is unavoidable because we can only advise from our own experience. And I know my feelings about EAs vs. PAs are strongly influened by what has happened to me and yes, my perspective as a woman.

 

I really try not to use the broad brush approach...I have yet to see an affair scenario that even remotely resembles what happened in my marriage. I've seen some scenarios with similarities but nothing that makes me think, "OMG, that is just like what happened to me." I wish I would come across one here, but so far it hasn't happened. As a result, I try not to look at each situation that I read about objectively.

 

I kind of tend to agree with you about the ONS-no feelings attached scenario. I just hate to see anyone discount the damage done by an EA because in my opinion, this is where the real damage to a relationship is done. An emotional attachment to someone else undermines the entire marriage. I just don't like to see the EA component minimized is all.

A PA can also be bad but it can sometimes be overcome when the emotional attachment is minimal at best. Of course, it all depends on the circumstances. Thanks for your perspective, shewter.

 

I know that this is what has been difficult for my wife in finding out about my A. Not that I slept with another woman...which is hard, but that I gave my heart to another.

 

I can also say that it is the emotional part of the affair that made me consider leaving my marriage, and is the part that made it hard to lose the affair.

 

Sex is great and all...but it is that emotional attachment that is a killer. It pulls one partner away from the other.

 

My wife had some EAs and I told her that it is hard because it is probably why I felt so much distance from her.

[seibert253]

JB1 Thanks for your responce and yes I am 80-90 percent positive she did not have sex with him. Dexter and the Now blocked user Phonix seam to be venting fustrations over there own issues. I have investigated and dug into this more then most people could possible do and I honestly do not think they could have had sex. But they DID have a emotional affair for sure and she was lieing to me for a year. That is what is the pain I am dealing with.

 

I was very blunt and forcefull with her. Demanded she end it or leave the Family.

 

So, Freezer, what was her reaction to your ultimatum?

[hopesndreams]

To finally admit, realize, accept that an EA went PA is one of the toughest things to do. You say she lied to you for a year about this guy, what were they doing in that year? Playing cards?

[schewter]

And conversely, for some people letting an EA become a PA is one of the hardest things to do that's why some never cross that line...FreezorBurn knows HIS wife better than anybody else posting on here so I'm gonna defer to him.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Some guys can deal with an EA better than a PA. Yeah sometimes an ea is just as bad because it involves feelings but it depends on the outlook of the guy you know. And what he feels crosses the line. I'm sure that a PA alot of men just cant accept no matter how much they loved the female in their life.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't see him discounting anything...he is obviously devastated by the emotional affair but takes some measure of relief in the fact that it did not go physical. What is your and Dexter's problem with that?

 

my problem with it is that he just doesn't want to see it. If he wants to forgive her blindly and just discount anyone that has been there, then hey, its his life. be my guest. its obvious that he wants to hear anything that will keep him in the home with her. So hey, good luck with that.

 

fact remains, he has an unfaithful wife and if you or he thinks that she doesn't want to actually have sex with another man...you are fooling yourselves.

 

 

I have read Dexter's story and I understand his seeming bitterness but EVERY woman who goes down a wrong path does not end up in bed

 

I've explained this before. some people stop themselves from letting it get physical....why? because they have too much to lose. still they really would have liked to have had someone other than their spouse. and again, as with this "wife" of his....she didn't get the opportunity.

 

honestly ask yourself, if this wife of his went on a trip and Freeze was 800 miles away, and she got attention from a guy she was attracted to, or the guy she was having an online affair with, you think she'd refrain from sex if the scenario was such that he'd never find out? come on.

 

 

some women, believe it or not, veer away at the last moment despite their physical desire for various reasons

 

yup, but the fact that they have a physical desire and really would have liked to spread em for another man is enough for me not to want to be married to her any longer.

 

 

my wife, for instance, turned away because she knew that there would be no coming back once she crossed that bridge.

 

and no offense, but now you are married to an unfaithful women, emotionally unfaithful and a woman that really wanted to get it from another guy. if you can live with that, I wish you the best.

 

everyone gives their opinions here. some will try to tell him everything is ok, others, like me, will pull the reality as WE see it into the mix.

 

If you are he wants to forgive and move on....then do it.....just don't do it blindly thinking that just because the stopped before crossing a physical barrier means they don't want other men.

 

 

In the subsequent year she has come to see the fog she was in and the sleaze that she was both dealing with and to some extent displaying. She feels shame and guilt and everything else one feels when they've made poor judgements. Give the guy a break for chrissakes. And Dex, to state thjat you believe it went physical is to suggest that you know this gentleman's wife even better than he, which, of course, is ridiculous

 

nope, not ridiculous at all. I'm not clouded with desperate thoughts, I can think clearly, he has too much running through his head right now. I was the same way. nobody wants to believe that their spouse has boned another person. I didn't want to believe it either and justified to the hills how it would have been impossible for her to do so.

 

She may have, she may not have. Freeze will never really know. But what is certain is that she very much would have liked to have this other guy between her legs. harsh I know, but thats the way it is. looking at it any other way downplays the situation.

 

 

Every woman that has an affair whether emotional or physical is NOT your X-wife.

 

never said they were, nice try at deflecting the real issue here...the issue of a woman that was having an affair with another man that most likely would have gone physical if the opportunity presented itself, and even if it never did, you or he would be a fool to think she didn't want this other guy inside her.

[Dexter Morgan]

We can't make assumptions based solely on our own experiences

 

sure we can, you make assumptions and give out your advice as you see it due to your experience.

 

And if someone has NO experience with the advice they are giving, then it really is advice with no basis behind it.

 

everyone here gives advice based on their own experiences...including you.

[Dexter Morgan]

And conversely, for some people letting an EA become a PA is one of the hardest things to do that's why some never cross that line...FreezorBurn knows HIS wife better than anybody else.

 

apparently......he didn't know her as well as he thought he did.

[alzup]

As someone who has been through a very similar situation as freeze, I completely agree w/ Dex. My W went through the whole online/facebook EA that would have been a PA were it not for the thousand or so miles that separated them. Hell, she was looking at plane tickets and was willing to take my son down to meet him... all under the guise of spending time w/ her family.

 

There is no doubt in my mind she would have f***ed him. She says she doesn't know what she would have done. I tell her straight up that I do. Hell she fantasized about him when we were "making love." Not to mention the explicit facebook chats I found that blew the doors wide open on whole damn thing. The way I see it.. she might as well have been f***ing him the whole time.

 

That's our reality... I'm not going to sugar coat a damn thing. If my W and I are going to get anywhere we both have to know the reality of the A. Otherwise it's just more bullsh*t fantasy... and that was what got us to where we are in the first place.

[schewter]

Not gonna argue with you point by point Dex cause I don't have the time...I will say one thing about my wife however; she could have easily "had it" from the OM, he was good to make the 5 hour drive to our city any time she said the word...I work evenings and overnights so could have been a done deal. As well, he was coming to town a week and a half past the day she came clean. That's why she came clean...she knew why he was coming and was afraid. You can opine all you want...you are no expert, just a guy with an ugly story. Everybody on here has one and they are all different. BTW Dex,,,maybe I'm the only one but there have been women over the years who I would have liked to have a toss with but never did. Even came close once or twice but veered away. Nature.

[schewter]

And Alzup...that's your reality, mine differs from it as does FreezorBurns...all stories on here are full of variables.

[schewter]

<<apparently......he didn't know her as well as he thought he did. >>

 

But still better than you...

[alzup]

And Alzup...that's your reality, mine differs from it as does FreezorBurns...all stories on here are full of variables.

 

Yep... I agree. I also agree w/ Dex. I guess with my experience, Dex's words ring much more true. Something I appreciate a great deal these days. Truth.