floridapad Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 It’s been a while since I felt the pain like I did last night. Just when you think the crying has stopped (it’s been three months) a trigger will hit and reality hits you in the face. I hate to admit at all that I cried. Never been that way (OK except for the old yeller thing and occasionally when Ty penington would say “move that bus” on home extreme makeover). Last night I had my children, and my 13 yr D heard me talking to my parents about going back to California for the holidays to be with family. That hit her hard. She simply has not accepted the circumstances and continues to say “No dad you are staying here and having the holidays with mom”. “You ARE getting back together.” I haven’t seen her that down in a long time and it just hurt to the bone knowing that my children are still in fantasyland as is my wife and even myself to some extent. The full realities of divorce haven’t fully hit ANY of us, especially the kids. They have been taking this separation far too well. I had to do the “gotta go to the bathroom “ thing and just let it out. Trying to “save” a marriage by waiting out your wifes MLC in hopes that she comes back is about as painful as knowing that your kids haven’t felt the full extent of it yet. My pain I can bare, but my children’s soon to be pain is a tough one to handle. They say that when you love someone unconditionally you can feel their pain. I have felt my pain, my wife’s pain, and my children’s pain. I had more dreams about my wife last night than I have in the entire last 6 months. Ugh! What can be done? File divorce now to have the children accept the reality and feel what they need to feel, or live in fantasy land awhile in hopes that the wife has an awakening about the true meaning of love and family and can find fulfillment in that, instead of the passion/desire/romance/feelings of “in love” she is pursuing. WOW this one hit me hard. But I’m not ready to give up on my wife, family or marriage just yet. I’m slowly getting my strength and self back and when I do I will be in a better position to deal with the reality of divorce and be there for myself and the children. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I'm sorry, man. I don't have children so I don't have your pain and theirs combined...but I do know that it will get better. One day you will be able to look back on this and reflect how you grew because of it. All you can do is be there for your kids. Get your strength from your love for them, and know that we're here to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I'm sorry you're hurting, FP. Apparently, those who study these things say that divorce is just behind the death of a spouse in the top ten stressors a person can face. You and your children will get through this, though. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I think you and your likely stbx should get the kids into counseling soon. They (and maybe you too) are in denial which is the first stage of grief. Then there's bargaining (I'll do all these things to get her back) Anger Depression (you feel like an emotional ping pong ball) I also think you should consider some individual counseling too, remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can be strong for others. It takes a long time to get through this. I won't sugar coat it. It does get better with time but it can feel like an eternity while you're going through it. There may be some chance you and the wife will get back together but either way you are looking at a year or two of major emotional upheaval for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I'm here for you brother. We are feeling some similar stuff. I went ahead and am taking my kids to "divorce" class. Only one of them was given hope by my wife as she told the 10yr old that we were only separating instead of getting a divorce and leaving room for hope. I myself am going to divorce class too at the same time. I think it helps put some "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" kind of framework around this. Is there something like that available to your family? It might pull some of the feellings out of them. I know my daughter asking me who was going to be the new mommy was sad for me, but at the same time, I think a little girl can see that things will be different around here. The class is another outlet and opportunity for community. Some of the stories in there make mine feel like a cakewalk. You can help them and realize helping others is what we are here for and as you have surely felt better helping me through this journey just behind you, its part of the big plan, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Some of the stories in there make mine feel like a cakewalk. There is a line out of Calvin and Hobbes comic strip that goes something like, "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse." It is supposed to be depressing-funny, but I actually use it to make myself feel better... Just because I hurt so badly, and I think this is the worst thing ever, there is someone out there who has it worse off than I do, so I should look at the good things and try to move on. (By this logic, though, there is someone at the end of the line who just has the worst life ever...sucks to be him, lol). Also, you can also use George Carlin's "headache" equation, ie, there is no problem in the world that you can't make worse by adding a headache. "His wife left him, his house burnt down, his dog of 15 years bit him twice, he just got diagnosed with crabs, and instead of a year-end bonus, he discovered his wife left him for his boss...who fired him. Plus, he has a headache." Either way, just know that with time the hurt fades. It may never fully go away, but it does fade. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Like singledad I also did divorce care classes. You can look on line & see if there is one in your area. They are of a Christian base but it really does help the kids understand the situation. My son is to old but my G/F now sent her kids & it has been over a year & they still talk about it. You meet others in the same situation..... It is very hard, and it does get easier but those situations do come up & kick you when you least expect them. It's been a year since my former wife left, 5 months since it was final & I still get dreams, still say to myself; I want my old life back even though it wasn't healthy...... As for crying, good for you. I was raised that men don't cry, that you are a pu$$y if you cry, but that is so far from the truth. Crying is good, I feel it is a way God is cleaning you from the inside out. I don't think it would hurt to share your feelings with you kids, let them know yes it hurts you just like them, but you & mom are not going to get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I read stuff like this...people leaving relationships with children...and it breaks my heart for them, for you. I guess I'm blessed that mine never got pregnant. I lament it sometimes, but given what's gone on, I'm glad we don't have that to go through, glad the kids don't have to be part of it. Like I said above...find your strength in your love for them. They'll grow to appreciate it and how good a person you really are. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 My 1 yr old is not really affected. My 3 yr old will still ask me if mommie can come when we go to the park or something & I know he misses us both spending time with him as a family. But, I can't do anything about that now. It's his mother's fault he can't have that not mine & it's this kind of thing that helped me decide to just get on with my life. Take care of me, my kids, & their home. I cried a lot also in the beginning. I cry no more. She's not worth the tears. She's not worth the energy. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 My 1 yr old is not really affected. My 3 yr old will still ask me if mommie can come when we go to the park or something & I know he misses us both spending time with him as a family. But, I can't do anything about that now. It's his mother's fault he can't have that not mine & it's this kind of thing that helped me decide to just get on with my life. Take care of me, my kids, & their home. I cried a lot also in the beginning. I cry no more. She's not worth the tears. She's not worth the energy. I wish I could do that...I care too much about J and want to help make his life better...I only have one baby and he is 2...I know that he could be a better man and make so many improvements but I was and am not at this point looking for better just happy and together...I still spend too much tears and energy on him but I am moving on for my boy and my home. I wish J would have cried more and told me his feelings...now I figure that he will wait until the divorce is final and boundaries are set then try to be friends again... I hope...I know so many people who have gotten back together after time and a divorce...maybe we will end up back together. Gentlemen please open up and cry...if you have children let them know that you love them and cry in front of them and let them know that your feelings are about them are genuine and that you want things better for all of you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author floridapad Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 Thank you all for the responses. It's very comforting to hear from people who are going through the same thing. I feel so much better today. Better than I have in a long time. I think that backslide actually helped me in the long run. I think it helped me accept the situation for what it is. Acceptance is a wonderful thing in the healing process. It helps me move forward. You have all helped me more than any counselor I have visited. Yesterday I found out from a freind that my wife is having her first "date" from match.com. Funny thing though, it barely affected me. I know she will be dating ALOT of men from that site and it just helps push me one step closer to accepting reality that she is somewhere else right now and probably will not come back until I have moved on, if she comes back at all. I'm beginning to allow myself to envision dating again and falling in love. I want to be with someone that values me for me. Me for who I am today and what I have learned. As for divorce care. Yes I did go to a few sessions early after the separation. The one on forgiveness helped me tremendously and the one on reconciliation gave me fortitude (for now). I'm going to send my children to divorce classes once we begin the divorce process. Funnything is I'm pretty sure my wife won't file even though she said the marriage is over. I'm also pretty sure the reality of divorce hasn't hit her yet. She is in "love" withdrawal from the OMM (it's been 1 month since she was dumped) and trying to make it go away by finding love/ego strokes with complete strangers on Match.com. Im going to give this seperation and my 180's 6 more months and then I'm filing. Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 You sound great today. 6 months....I admire you. I don't know if I will last 6 more days. I just can't take the uncertainty, or maybe its the CERTAINTY that is hurting. Maybe I will read ahead on the reconciliation part to get some of that fortitude. Thanks for the post, I will try to find some silver lining in this backslide I am in today. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 You sound great today. 6 months....I admire you. I don't know if I will last 6 more days. I just can't take the uncertainty, or maybe its the CERTAINTY that is hurting. Maybe I will read ahead on the reconciliation part to get some of that fortitude. Thanks for the post, I will try to find some silver lining in this backslide I am in today. Yeah I wouldn't wait. Her refusal to R after being dumped by the FOM, and now "dating" while dad watches the kids. OH NO, SORRY. Have her served. It might just be the wakeup call you need. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 You must put an end to this for your own sanity. She is long gone, banging whoever while you wait patiently...that is no way to live your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floridapad Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 Singledad2 I hear what your saying about hurting from the uncertainty or hurting from the certainty. Your still early on in the process (although it's only been 5 months for me) and I had loads of uncertainty and that is where the anxiety comes from. It wasn't until I started accepting the situation for what it is and started planning to build a new life did the anxiety started calming down (That was only a few weeks ago). It's a long process. I wouldn't skip ahead to reconciliation yet. Gotta get through forgiveness first and that may take some time since things are still so up in the air for you. You seem to still be processing it all. This will take some time but at some point acceptance will hit you. Seibert and HopesNdreams I hear what your saying but I want to make sure I have myself back and have built somewhat of a life until I start that process. "Family" is so important to me. I grew up in the Wally cleaver house in a Christian family so this whole divorce thing is tough to accept. But I will get there as I build my life and TOTALLY accept that my wife will never love me in the way she needs to be happy. I just saw her today and I can tell I'm beginning to detach. It's such an odd feeling to have indifference for someone you love. You just seem to learn how to turn it off but when you walk away it hits you a bit. Weird stuff. No anger though. Funny thing is, I know I could turn it back on if she came back today, although I wouldn't accept her because I just don't trust her state of mind. She has some midlife angst she needs to get out of her system and perhaps I do as well. She'll have her fullblown MLC and I'll have my "controlled" MLC and we'll see where we are at in 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Floridapad, Funny you should talk about acceptance. I had called several folks today saying that after a day of grieving, 2 days of NC, and realization that that selfish beyatch hasnt called the kids to see if they were feeling better, I have found some acceptance. Acceptance that she is not such a nice Mommy. Acceptance that she is in her own little world. I'm looking to get back on the grid. Of course, she calls tonight. I barely acknowledged what she said, cut it short, and handed the phone over to the kids. This guy is NOT done with life. I went to work out again today and am feeling pretty good about the muscle tone coming back. She is f'n up. I am good-looking, a good provider, she didn't have to work, and I have the perfect kids. I've seen myself working with the man upstairs to fix my broken pieces. She won't find this setup again. However, I don't feel like its gonna be EASY to find love again with all my baggage. I will probably have to settle for babysitter utilized dating, a trophy wife and a nanny for the kids! haha. Hijackin your thread back at ya! Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Well to my fellow parents... My support to you and your children... Just like you singledad I don't see it being EASY to love again, I can't believe that J didn't see our son for nearly 2 weeks and yet didn't call...I don't care if he is 2, he needs to hear from daddy...male or female the leavers just worry about themselves and take for granted the gifts we are willing to give and the blessings right in front of them! Link to post Share on other sites
Author floridapad Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 Singledad2 Your right she won't find that setup again. Hmm let me see. Married to a successful executive who is the father of her children, and has oh so painfully recognized HIS faults in the relationship and doing everything in his power to make himself a better man. I hope you do get a nanny soon. It will help you immensely and make it much easier to get your life back on track. One other thing I don't have to remind you about. Get this divorce done fast. Once she sees you moving on and dating and building your life, she is going to become angry and if she finds a deauch bag attorney, she will spend all the money on attorney's fees, regardless of what SHE did. The attorney will always find away to collect fees by offering their client hope of a better life. Do it now while she is in her runaway mode. Finding "love" at midlife I think won't be too difficult. There are many divorcees out there. It's weird talking to the divorced woman vs the divorced man. The women seem to want to be "in love" and the men seem to want to get laid and play. I just want to find love. A life partner. Someone to rebuild a history with. But I know I'm going to have to do alot of dating to find her UGH! Auroracoladybug Yes there are good men out there despite what I wrote to singledad2 above. I for one would not shy away from a woman who had a two year old. In fact I would welcome it. We will all find love....once we get past this Sh*t. ***** I read somewhere on here that down the road as the pain goes away, there may be times you actually miss it, because its with the pain we learn about ourselves....and learning about ourselves is an incredible feeling. I musn't ever forget that. I must not forget what I learned and what I continue to learn. Focus on the lesson of self. That is my mantra. An have alot of fun doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Thanks for the encouragement Floridapad (just call me ladybug its easier )...I have been an optimist for a long time (it peeks thru in my posts sometimes) I know that there are good men out there and I hope to find a stable and mature one someday...Singledad2 I feel like the female version of you (but I need to work out more )...and by the way yes we will all find love (hopefully not with something inanimate lol) and I never wanted this and was planning on growing old with J so I doubt I will be looking for anything short term and it is not being in love,... it is loving fully for the long term that matters for this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Here's where I feel despair over the future relationships. I am high 40s, had a wife in her hig 30s old wife and kids in grade school. Most folks think I'm in my mid 30s, but just gut feel, most single parents my age are done with rearing kids. Not that I am looking for someone to do that, but it sure is daunting. Hopefully there is someone out there that missed out on kids and would love mine, but would she be for me if she never had any? Kinda of feel like I'm in a catch 22. Gotta somehow stop feeling so lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floridapad Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Single dad, There are a ton of single women willing to love your children as long as they love you. Of course a nanny would make the "package" a little more palatable. Fact of the matter is you and me will be entering second marriages at some point and we can't EVER forget the lessons we learned here. One thing I realized from my very brief dating stint was that I wasn't ready. I think I'll try being friends first until I get my Sh*t together and then I'll date. You know what's funny....When your married it's kind of like you want the candy down at the store but when you get all the candy you don't care. I've had plenty of candy over the last month and I don't really care anymore. I'm a wussy....I want love, marriage, LT relationship, monogamy etc. etc. I'm starting to get used to being alone, but I definately envision falling in love with someone and hopefully having a great God based marriage. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you will have your day in the sun my friend. In the mean time, search match.com and plentyoffish.com and let your mind run wild :-). Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Thanks. I know I'm not ready yet. I know I am just wanting to get something between her and my heart. I know it would be emptiness right now and I know that I need to get back my confidence and get through the grieving process. I don't need more rejection right now, which is what I could be setting myself up for. I am like you. I had a plan for the rest of my life, I thought, and I want that certainty back. I want someone to really care and I guess I would probably be holding back for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I think you are right where I am Singledad2...I want intimacy with my husband and yet I know it would not be right and not right with anyone else. I am so afraid of rejection and I need to find my confidence. I am grieving what was and looking toward the future... Floridapad...I respect that you look toward a second faithful based marriage in your future and learning from this experience...your advice of letting your mind go wild was good sometimes seeing the candy reminds us that there is better out there...doesn't help when we still have the strings to cut...don't know if that will be easier with the divorce being final...I suspect not but we will get there Link to post Share on other sites
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