Confused4Now Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I ask this question cause I was listening to a Podcast and got me thinking. Was my situation with my MW Love or Infatuation? I think for me it was mostly love but I'm sure a lot of infatuation was in there to... I'd like to hear from some of you....I will add more later. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 This goes back to the whole Affair Fog thing but interesting to me because Ive been thinking about it recently with another poster here. I can only speak from my own experience as an OW and mine seems to be somewhat unique here on LS but in real life is fairly common. I was OW to several MM over the course of a number of years. I was OW intentionally and used these relationships for financial gain of my own. (Before anyone bashes me - Ive regretted all, learned, paid, etc. ) Now the situation I described IS a manipulation of sorts, obviously. But not a very subtle one: " We can't meet at my apartment anymore because I have to get a roommate" So, MM pays your rent/mortgage. "I wont have time for us anymore. I have to buy a new car and get a 2nd job" So, MM buys you a car. Stay with me. Although I was using them, they knew it. The above conversations are easy to see through. Even so, nearly all of them seemed to think they loved me and I them. I assumed this was just part of the fantasy they required. I had always thought love did not exist unless it was shared between 2 people. But when I would move on...they would have a really difficult time with it. Wanted to stay in touch, stay friends if nothing else. Its not ME, believe me. I'm nothing special. Real love was NOT there. They really didnt even know me. But they thought it was, because they wanted to. I'm sure they feel the same about whoever they got to replace me. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Well, at first I thought it was love. But, then after coming here and talking about my ea, I came to realize that is was more like infatuation and lust. I did not truely love him. It's real hard to figure that out when your in the throws of all these feelings of passion and lust. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Infatuation is another word for love's regrets. After passion's flame has died, we often denigrate past love relationships as infatuations. It makes us feel better because then we did not lose at love. I won't play that game. I loved my MW with my heart and soul. We had a love affair. That doesn't make it right, but I won't disown my affair by downgrading it after the fact. It was what it was and will always be. Link to post Share on other sites
CarbonCopy Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 This is a hard question. I've never been in love before so I don't really have anything to compare this to. But for me it felt like love. I've never felt for anyone what I felt for him, but who knows, maybe those feelings were just due to the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 you have to think if If I know what type of woman that the MW is to cheat before hand and she deceives her husband. and she's using me to satisfy her emotional needs while i get nothing in return. and if I knew that from jump how could that be love??? If I knew how the woman was before I could get involve with her, how could I love someone like that? That is the question you have to ask yourself. Like if they was single would you date them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused4Now Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 you have to think if If I know what type of woman that the MW is to cheat before hand and she deceives her husband. and she's using me to satisfy her emotional needs while i get nothing in return. and if I knew that from jump how could that be love??? If I knew how the woman was before I could get involve with her, how could I love someone like that? That is the question you have to ask yourself. Like if they was single would you date them?Ok...I'll answer that question and my answer is YES. However I'm not so sure we would have ever met if we were both single. Remember we were both Married when the affair started. Link to post Share on other sites
jennifer4 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 In my situation it's an EA but I do think I loved him.. I know that I've been married 2x and have never felt like this before. I'm confused right now so maybe I'm wrong, I do know that I have real feelings for him and IF he was single I'd want to be in a relationship with him. He's told me that if we have sex it wouldn't be just sex, it would be more, but looking back maybe he was saying that to get me to have sex with him.. I guess I was no help answering this. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Ok...I'll answer that question and my answer is YES. However I'm not so sure we would have ever met if we were both single. Remember we were both Married when the affair started. Ok so knowing she was deceptive, cheating, lying and immoral and you still would have dated her knowing she could turn it around on you at a moments notice? Why be in a relationship with someone like that??? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 For me, I think it was more love than infatuation. NOT the same love I feel for my H, but a different kind of love. Like with all loves, no 2 are alike, no two are the same. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 All of my experiences can be boiled down to 'infatuation'. Never had one that I ever wanted to be long term. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Fo me... I really don't know anymore. I would have to say Infatuation. I thought it was love, but now that I look back none of what we had could possibly be based on love seeing we were both deceiving someone. I was deceiving my spouse and xOM was deceiving his SO... how can that be love? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Infatuation. Although I still feel that we had a huge connection and clicked etc. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 For me....Love - Most definitely. I don't believe in the "Affair Fog" (sounds like the creature from the black lagoon ) Even though my husband & I are working things out (& very well I might add) I know that every time I told my AP I loved him, I meant it. Even though we aren't together & are not in contact with each other in any way, I still hold a fondness in my heart for him. I believe I always will. I don't want to see him, hear from him, etc. But that little feeling will always stay with me.Those that want to bash - bash away. Only those of us that post how we feel know our own true, deep rooted feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused4Now Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 Ok so knowing she was deceptive, cheating, lying and immoral and you still would have dated her knowing she could turn it around on you at a moments notice? Why be in a relationship with someone like that??? Read what I said..."if we were both single." I think the situation of the affair fog made her like that. I don't think she would have been that way if she was single. Link to post Share on other sites
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 For my situation (an A w/ a MM that's lasted so far just over six months), I think it's a combination of strong, strong feelings that could possibly be approaching love and simultaneously feelings of infatuation, "affair fog," whatever you want to call it. Even if he was single, I still wouldn't say that at this point a regular relationship I would be ready to say I love you -- to anyone. I, by default, close myself off to men I date naturally, so to think I could love a man who is not available is somewhat telling, since it's so hard for me to open up like that. That said, though, we obviously don't have a normal relationship where we're meeting each other's friends, seeing each other in normal social circles, etc. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, my MM doesn't have to deal with the "reality" of his life (bills, cleaning, kids, wife. etc.) so that ups the infatuation factor -- FOR HIM. As someone said in the pearls of wisdom thread, the MP is the one more in the fog than the OP (take that with a huge grain of salt, of course, I've never been married and am an OW.) Ultimately, though, it's hardly ever all or nothing. Because of reasons other than your naked feelings for the person you're having an A with though -- they don't usually work out if they turn into normal relationships, as many people on here have pointed out. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 I ask this question cause I was listening to a Podcast and got me thinking. Was my situation with my MW Love or Infatuation? I think for me it was mostly love but I'm sure a lot of infatuation was in there to... I'd like to hear from some of you....I will add more later. You know, I think it showed me my capacity for love and forgiveness. Infatuation isn't worth all the pain or the time. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 For me it was a bit of both...but, then again, that person I care for probably never existed...can you really love a phantom?...ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused4Now Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 For me it was a bit of both...but, then again, that person I care for probably never existed...can you really love a phantom?...ughhahahahaha....out of all the response this one made me smile:) Phantom probably....maybe it was a all a dream? Maybe we're in the Matrix? hee hee Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 hahahahaha....out of all the response this one made me smile:) Phantom probably....maybe it was a all a dream? Maybe we're in the Matrix? hee hee I'm glad someone could get a laugh out of it although that was not my intention...if it was a dream, the end result has been a nightmare of varying degrees; one that I don't ever want to have again Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I am not an OM...but was a MM. I think that initially it was infatuation. Towards the end I really did start to feel love for my xOW...and I think it was mutual. However...I think that it would be really hard for me to say if it was 100% love without being able to take our relationship into reality. If we had a life together, time, shared responsibilities...then I could say with more certainty it was love. I know I feel love...even today...think I always will. However...we never tested it in real life...so....who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I think I've been around long enough to know the difference (for myself) between love and infatuation. And I was definitely in love with both my MM's - the one I did sleep with, and the one I didn't. Probably still in love with them now. I just have this wretched weakness for those two, I guess. Fortunately I have learned (through many hard knocks) that just because I'm in love with someone and think they're the cat's meow, doesn't mean I have to put up with any bad treatment from them, or even be around them at all if they're not a good situation for me, or they don't feel the same way about me. It's OK. I've also learned how to tolerate conundrums and contradictions in life. It doesn't all have to make sense anymore. The important thing for me is to do the right thing, regardless of what my heart is screaming at me. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I think I've been around long enough to know the difference (for myself) between love and infatuation. And I was definitely in love with both my MM's - the one I did sleep with, and the one I didn't. Probably still in love with them now. I just have this wretched weakness for those two, I guess. Fortunately I have learned (through many hard knocks) that just because I'm in love with someone and think they're the cat's meow, doesn't mean I have to put up with any bad treatment from them, or even be around them at all if they're not a good situation for me, or they don't feel the same way about me. It's OK. I've also learned how to tolerate conundrums and contradictions in life. It doesn't all have to make sense anymore. The important thing for me is to do the right thing, regardless of what my heart is screaming at me. Isn't this the truth. Love is unconditional...relationships are not. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 For me....Love - Most definitely. I don't believe in the "Affair Fog" (sounds like the creature from the black lagoon ) Even though my husband & I are working things out (& very well I might add) I know that every time I told my AP I loved him, I meant it. Even though we aren't together & are not in contact with each other in any way, I still hold a fondness in my heart for him. I believe I always will. I don't want to see him, hear from him, etc. But that little feeling will always stay with me. which is exactly why nobody should stay with someone that cheated unless they simply don't care....about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Definitely love. Just not practical given the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
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