movingforward Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 I reconnected with my affair partner on Facebook... we knew each other from high school (never dated, but both of us thought about it back then). We are both married with children. Our first week we IM'd for hours each day. After two weeks we were saying "I love you". At the five week point we spent the day together and slept together. After 3 months it was over. At the time I couldn't believe how swept up into him I had gotten. I truly felt like I loved him. I have never believed in soulmates, but I believed he was truly the one. We talked about how much alike we were -- how we thought the same, had the same interests, etc. We both talked about leaving our spouses, though logistically we knew it would never work. I couldn't imagine my life without him. When it ended, I completely fell apart.... had to be put on antidepressants, intensive therapy. My husband never figured out exactly why I had a breakdown. For that I am eternally grateful. With all of the strong feelings I had and the reaction I had after the breakup, one would think that I was truly in love. But now I know I wasn't. Here's the thing.... we are trying (with a lot of difficulty) to do the "friend" transition. And over the last 5 months of it being over, I am realizing that we aren't at all alike. In fact, we are very different. I realize how easily I glossed over all of our differences... I made excuses for everything I didn't like -- how he talked only about himself, how he talked badly about his wife, how he always played the victim, how he sucked in bed... I WAS in the affair fog. For many reasons I NEEDED to believe that he was perfect. Ultimately, I was addicted to the way he made me feel. He made me feel smart, beautiful, witty... it was intoxicating. And my addiction fueled the affair fog to continue long after it should have. I wanted so desperately to believe that it was love. And now that I am out of my affair fog, I am so grateful to be able to look at my husband for the wonderful man he is. My affair woke me up -- made me realize how blessed I am. I was lonely, but it was because I wasn't putting effort into my own life and marriage. Now I am. And while I'm not 100% over my affair partner, it is getting better. The funny thing is, I do believe that he did (and still does) love me. He still thinks I am the perfect woman for him in every way.
OWoman Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Neither. It was lust, pure and simple. I'm a realist, not a romantic, and I've never done infatuation, and love only once (that's the one I kept, so it didn't "end" - so doesn't form part of my answer).
davo1224 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I don't think it was love but certainly more than infatuation. I was just hoping we could heal our pain together. I was the other guy. I didn't know he had left his spouse for me so I was crushed when they got back together after I said we should take things slower.
Devil Inside Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 For me it was a bit of both...but, then again, that person I care for probably never existed...can you really love a phantom?...ugh I just read this...I so get you. 1
howcouldInotknow Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I would say for me it was love. I am not prone to infatuation. We met I liked him but it was never instantaneous nor was it like mooning over each other puppy love what we had grew as we spent more time together. I slowly let him into my world and he slowly let me into his. So I don't think it was infatuation there was never a rush. I am not sure I am describing things well but it was love. I still miss him with every part of myself
marlena Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Infatuation is another word for love's regrets. After passion's flame has died, we often denigrate past love relationships as infatuations. It makes us feel better because then we did not lose at love. I won't play that game. I loved my MW with my heart and soul. We had a love affair. That doesn't make it right, but I won't disown my affair by downgrading it after the fact. It was what it was and will always be. Perfect! If at the time you thought it was love, then, it was love. Trying to downplay the love you shared is like turning your back to your very own self. I am glad there are men like grogster who have the integrity to own up to the love they once felt for a woman.
NowhereToHide Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 To be honest, I don't know what the hell mine was. It was intense, addicting, incredible.... I have never felt anything like it. I thought it was love. But what I realized was that I think it was that affair fog thing. 8 months later, now that it's over and I'm focused on my family, I realize how my AP and I really aren't that alike. And there's a lot about him I don't like. He was able to fill a need for me at a particular time when I needed it. Is that love? Probably not. I think had I left my family for him, I would have realized what a mistake I had made. He isn't my "soulmate". Infatuation? Affair fog? Love? Probably a combination of all three.
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