5 yr relationship... what should be next?

[HCW]

[sIZE=2]

Okay. I have been in a relationship with a guy 5 years this coming October. I am wondering what I should do. I do not want to stay in a relationship any longer not knowing what exactly is going to happen next. I want to know if I should expect him to want to marry me at this point or not? Our relationship has gone through a lot of events... My father committed suicide almost 2 years ago... around this time my boyfriend was going to purpose to me (my mom told me when he was going go pick out a ring and a month after my dad passed he told me as well) after this had happened he decided not to, went through a life evaluation process questioning what he was doing in life, who he was...and he now tends to avoid the topic. [/sIZE]

 

[sIZE=2]But he says, he doesn't think he could find someone as good as I have been and who he loves...[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]We have been living with each other our almost our whole relationship, after 7 months.. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]He has an 8.5 year son, who was 3.5 when I started dating him(he has full custody) his son, is like my son, I think of him as my own child and he also calls me his mom, his birth mother left him when he was 3.[/sIZE]

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[sIZE=2]my boyfriend, does not want children, I'm almost 24 he's almost 29, I think I may want more children, but I'm not sure having one is handful and you always have all kinds of stuff you need to buy them... I would like the option if their comes a time I want another child I'd like to have one. [/sIZE]

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[sIZE=2]At this point I would like to at least be engaged.[/sIZE]

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[sIZE=2]I do love him, otherwise I would obviously not still be with him, I just I really don't know what I should do. I just would like some other people opinions. So that is why I've tried to fill in much background as possible. So what do you think?

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[Thaddeus]

What's more important to you? Your relationship with your man, or the idea of being married?

 

I don't ask this with irony or judgment. I just wonder why there's this burning desire to inject a legal document into the works.

[HCW]

[sIZE=2]

my relationship of course. But I would like to be considered a wife and not just some girlfriend. It's a little odd when you go to a parent teacher conference and you're not legally the mother or step mother but you play the role as one... His school doesn't even address me with any issues because I'm not legally his mother... but i do everything as if i am..

And I feel if he really does love me, he should at least show a sign of commitment.

[/sIZE]

[Thaddeus]

my relationship of course. But I would like to be considered a wife and not just some girlfriend. It's a little odd when you go to a parent teacher conference and you're not legally the mother or step mother but you play the role as one... His school doesn't even address me with any issues because I'm not legally his mother... but i do everything as if i am.. And I feel if he really does love me, he should at least show a sign of commitment.

Well, he's already been with you for five years. How much more of a commitment do you need? Legally (depending on your jurisdiction) you're already considered "common-law" married.

 

If it's about step-mother issues, it's not entirely surprising that the school is doing what it's doing. They may have some sort of legal obligation to abide by the wishes of the birth mother (even if she's out of the picture) and are just protecting their own hide.

 

If he's not willing, at this time, to "pop the question," it's because there's at least one issue in his life that is keeping him from doing that. But the funny thing is that it's probably got nothing to do with you. Could be finances, could be career, could be any number of things.

 

But regardless of whether you have a ring or a marriage document, it's clear that he's already made a considerable commitment to you. Adding a legal document to the mix will make little difference, other than the horrific expense and stress that a wedding can cause.

[norajane]

I'd say your next step should be to communicate with your bf and tell him that you want to get married. Does he even know that you do? He might not if you've never really said so. He might think you're fine just going on as you are.

 

Tell him you want to be married, this is important to you, and that you don't see yourself being happy if you aren't - this is something you see for your future. Then ask him what his thoughts are on the subject, and what he sees for the two of you.

 

You've been together for 5 years. Believe me, he KNOWS whether he wants to marry or not. If he says he doesn't, ever, then you have a decision to make. Tell him you didn't realize he never wanted to get married, and you need to give that some thought because you have very different views on what you want out of life, and that you may not be able to continue living with him. Then give it some thought and determine whether you can stay with him or not.

 

However:

 

my boyfriend, does not want children, I'm almost 24 he's almost 29, I think I may want more children, but I'm not sure having one is handful and you always have all kinds of stuff you need to buy them... I would like the option if their comes a time I want another child I'd like to have one

DO NOT marry him unless both of you AGREE on this issue!! Don't expect him to change his mind later. And don't trap yourself in a marriage where you may decide years from now that you are in a financial and emotional place where you really, really want another child. You are so young - 24! - and you don't know how you will feel about another child in 5-10 years.

[Stung]

Norajane's advice is sound. Communication is really called for here, but take some time first to figure out what it is that truly matters to you about being married. To some people it's meaningless, just a piece of paper, to others it's a spiritual binding, a legal framework, or a symbolic union that makes you family. If deep-down you believe it's a spiritual or deeply symbolic thing, no matter how many times somebody tries to tell you it's just a piece of paper you're likely to feel more hurt and like you are missing out on something important the longer this situation continues. On the other hand, too many people marry for terrible reasons, without using both their hearts and their heads.

 

Make sure you are not wanting to marry for the wrong reasons, and think hard about what the ramifications will be to this young boy who calls you 'mom' if you should end up cutting your losses and leaving. If you and your boyfriend go your seperate ways, will you still be able to visit and care for the child who loves you?

 

Remember, even if you and your boyfriend see marriage as a legal framework only, that legal framework can be very important. DO NOT just rely on 'common law marriage', that actually exists in far fewer places than people think and you'd need to research it's legality in your location first, AND in any location you might end up moving to. If your area does not recognize common law marriages and something happened to your boyfriend, even after another five or ten years together, you will not automatically get next of kin hospital rights, you will not necessarily inherit anything, you won't necessarily get any of his benefits...and what would happen to his son? Unless you are his legal stepmother or have adopted him, you will be far down on the list of potential legal guardians.

 

Just my two cents. Talk to your boyfriend, find out where his head is with this. And again I am agreed with Norajane: do not make plans to marry this man unless you can come to an agreement on the subject of future children. It's a really central issue.

[Julygirl]

Hi, I'm a new member here and I thought It wouldn't hurt to share my story. I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a man that after 2 years into the relationship had it in his mind that he no longer wanted to be with me. He started talking online with other women behind my back and even traveled to see her in which apparently nothing happened. He swears he didn't do anything that he felt so badly about it he realized he was missing out on his true love (me). He returned and I noticed he started treating me so much better and spending time with me. I found out about all that later on and left him for some time and let him talk me into coming back. So I've been with him for another 3 years and he's been great and I trust him again and let the past go. I've never lied to him or hurt him and I've always done everything for him, moved where he wanted to go, etc. I really love him and feel like I want to spend my life with him. I believe in marriage. I am spiritual and I feel spiritually I will not have a complete bond with him in this life and on to the next unless we commit and say our vows. I also want children in the next 4 years possibly. I am 30 and he is 28.

He says he loves me and is happy just the way we are and really wouldn't want to get married nor have kids. He says he may change his mind in the future but he is not certain yet. I wish I could let my own wishes and wants go and not be so selfish. I want to be with him no matter what so I am staying with him and if it means not having children and not getting married then so be it. Men for the most part do not believe in marriage. The tradition is dying and they also do not seem to want a family and children anymore. Career becomes the main goal.

 

My boyfriend is climbing the corporate latter right now and it comes first. I am on the back burner. I understand that it's what he wants most in life, to be successful. Hey I'm trying to get to a good financial standing myself but It hurts that he feels marriage is pointless. My parents have been married for over 40 years and they are happy. His parents have been divorced all his life and was raised by his single mother. Maybe that has something to do with it. He's also not spiritual. I will always long for the marriage commitment. I don't want an expensive one at all. I would pay for it if I could. I just want him to want it as well but he doesn't. I don't think it has anything to do with him not loving me enough. It's just his way of viewing reality and love. I don't see eye to eye with him but I'm sticking with him anyway. I'm dedicated to him and will do anything for him I love him truly. But I will never see marriage as a piece of paper especially when you start talking about wanting children.

[Stung]

Julygirl, you should start your own thread to get more advice. I know you won't want to hear mine, which is that you should break up with your bf and try to move on. It won't be easy at first but in the long run it will be worth it. Your loyalty and depth of feeling is admirable, but you are forgetting to look out for yourself and your own needs, which will breed hurt and resentment. Don't you value yourself, and your own feelings and needs? He might be a great guy, I don't believe there's anything wrong with not wanting the marriage-and-kids life path, but that's what you want...your wants and plans are simply too different, on very fundamental issues.

 

Sometimes love is not enough, as much as it hurts. And you deserve a shot at getting what you want out of life.