Anybody have a good Separation Story? Positive?

[Photographer]

Hello everyone,

 

I haven't posted here about this before, but I have been married to my current (2nd) husband for almost a year now. We have sure been through a lot in this year!!! I lost my mom about 6 months before we got married, and I was in denial about it for a long time. I started showing signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder right after she passed away from Cancer after a 3 month battle. At that time, I just thought it was normal grief.

 

Well, about 6 or 7 months ago (half the time we have been married) I started getting more and more signs of PTSD and then depression. I was only sleeping about 3-6 hours nightly and having severe nightmares, and before long I was suicidal a LOT. Once that started happening I admitted myself to the hospital. All of the women in my family have a history of depression and several have PTSD, including my sister. They at least got my sleep sort of figured out during the first hospitalization, but not much else.

 

I had another crisis a few weeks into an intensive outpatient program and ended up for 3 weeks (separated from husband) with my dad out of state after my husband called them for help. My husband told me after I was there a week how much he missed me and came and got me, etc. Well, unfortunately, I needed to be hospitalized again after that, and they FINALLY gave me anti-anxiety medicines. This has been my lifesaver and calmed me down and I no longer have the raging mad behaviors I had before my 2nd hospitalization. The medicine keeps me from having so many severe panic attacks (they used to last for an hour) and has made me be able to work on so many things in my new outpatient program.

 

Unfortunately, my husband has not recovered since then. I know I've done a lot of horrible things. I've hit him, slapped him, cursed at him, verbally abused him, and thrown a plate with a waffle at him. This all happened more than 2 months ago. The last two months I finally got the right kind of help and medications. I have VASTLY improved. I hardly ever have panic attacks and when I do, I'm usually able to control myself and not do anything to him (unless he seriously provokes me, for which I've cursed at him).

 

Our relationship is just not recovering. Now, I'm getting so much better that I can take care of myself and the house and I'm doing some work again in addition to my daily counseling. Yet, my husband reminds me of how bad I acted over and over again, despite my apologies. It almost seems that he's trying to prove how "bad" I am by trying to prove the bad things I've done in the past like in my childhood and things so that he can leave me.

 

Finally, I have just asked for a break. He is keeping me down and I think he just doesn't know how to react to me getting better, like he was preparing himself to leave and now it's not fitting his plans. I love him with all of my heart and I do believe he is my soulmate, yet I've got to continue getting better. I am living in our house and he is staying on people's couches. I tell him every day I love him, but I am glad for the time to myself.

 

I know that nobody here can predict the future. My husband has told the counselor and me that he loves me and wants things to work out. He's just not doing anything to see that it does. I'm scared he is really going to see how much better off he is without me during this break and leave me. I'm scared he won't ever make the changes that we need to be in a relationship again. I miss the real him terribly...the affectionate loving caring, almost care-free person I married.

 

Any advice? Any experiences like these? I'm sorry this is so long. I just had to get it all out there!

[Auroracoladybug]

long? it took me two tries to get everything out about my situation where others could understand what was going on...continue your counseling and point out that you miss the affectionate loving caring, almost care-free person but remember that he can't just turn that on like a switch...sounds to me like he is down from everything else too...he is not sure what to do just like anyone else who is worried about losing someone...my best to you and if you both want to work it out you will...you have so much to gain

[Phateless]

This is a tough one. I think from his perspective he doesn't know which "you" he's getting. Yes you've improved a lot but he's probably still terrified that you'll turn on him again.

 

I would focus on action. Do everything you can to improve yourself and to repair the damage you've caused. It's important that he knows you're accepting responsibility for your behavior when you were sick.

 

Good luck.

[mark982]

agree,maybe the poor mans just not sure yet whos going to show up. mrs. jekyll or mrs. hyde:o

[Photographer]

Thank you to the replies and encouragement. I definitely agree that he just doesn't know what to expect and he is kind of confused. We have definitely been through a lot for just having been married for a year. I think if his attitude would change a little bit and he would see that he could really make a positive difference in my anxiety, then things would get better so much more quickly. He is still loving to play the blame game and say everything is my fault. I agree that a lot of things are my fault as I've had intense anxiety and rage from PTSD. Unfortunately, the things he does a lot just provoke me so much. I haven't been able to deal with the negative things he says all the time and so I guess that's how things are "my fault".

 

He sort of came home last night. I think he is starting to realize he can help me in some ways or at least not hurt me..

 

I am really pissed at our mutual friends though. He said to me when he came home that so many people wonder why we stay together, when we've had so many problems getting along. I guess that is why they're all unmarried and between the ages of 30-35. I think my husband has a lot to learn about being married and he will never learn it if he doesn't stick it out (and he's on his second marriage too!) and I have had a lot of things I needed to deal with about my past.

 

The good news is my counselor said I'm finally in recovery, instead of at the bottom and that is awesome. It is so exciting to notice my progress and have others who haven't even known me long notice it. I just pray hubby can stick it out and get the help he needs so he can forgive me and see my progress.