boyfriend & his exwife

[Di]

My boyfriend (5 years) and I were at his niece's wedding recently. His ex-wife (marriage lasted 17 years; she's still unattached) was also there. I believe I've been very supportive of his "relationship" with his ex-wife these past few years, ie I understand that he still wants to be friends with her and I've not whined or bitched or thrown ultimatums at him (though in private I'm sometimes a little irrationally peeved - jealous). I do give him his space and freedom.

 

Well at the wedding, he probably could guess that I wouldn't mind him dancing with her once. I really expected it (also expected it to be a fast upbeat nonromantic song). We try not to upset or embarass her by being overly affectionate or anything like that in front of her. I, myself only danced with him a 4 or 5 times in a 4 hour period.

 

Here's where I got my panties in a bunch:

 

Me, my boyfriend, and about another 4 people were in a loose group away from the dance floor. I guess the DJ announced it's the last song of the evening though I didn't hear him. My boyfriend got up and walked passed me to the dance floor. Curious, I looked past the post I was leaning against and saw that he was asking his exwife to dance. They danced. The song was "Lady in Red". If you don't know the song, here's the last portion of the lyrics:

 

"Lady in Red

 

Is dancing with me, cheek to cheek

 

There's nobody here, it's just you and me

 

It's where I wanna be

 

But I hardly know

 

This beauty by my side

 

I'll never forget

 

The way you look tonight

 

I never will forget

 

The way you look tonight....

 

Lady in Red

 

Lady in Red

 

Lady in Red

 

my Lady in Red...

 

I love you... "

 

Well I knew the song as they along danced together. I explained to myself that:

 

my boyfriend probably didn't realize the time went by and that his last chance to "do his duty dance" with her was the last dance, and he couldn't help that it was a slow song and happens to be FULL of romantic meaning.

 

Well though I tried to "deal with it", he was able to read that I was upset at something the next morning. I gave him enough info to tell him what was bugging me and then I said to the effect that he probably wasn't even aware what song was playing and that it would really piss me off if he was. Of course he said he knew what song it was. The way he said it sounded like the song may have been of some significance to them in the past. He apologizes he hurt me but he also said that he does try to "balance" things so neither me or his exwife gets upset.

 

My questions are: Am I irrationally upset? If anyone else was in my position, would they feel the same way? Can my boyfriend possibly be "subconsciously" reaching out to his exwife again? Am I being a bitch since he's my boyfriend and I'm begrudging him a slow romantic dance with her?

[Tony T]

1. Am I irrationally upset? No, you have every right to be pissed. You didn't say how much he had to drink but alcohol may have played a part here. However, he is DIVORCED from this woman. A divorce means you are no longer affiliated with that person legally or otherwise. You should take absolute priority in his life including at functions you attend with him. A kind word or two with his ex is sufficient and, beyond that, he should not care what she thinks and he is not responsible for her feelings.

 

2. If anyone else was in my position, would they feel the same way? Absolutely. Your boyfriend was miserably rude...especially dancing that final dance with his ex. I mean that made a SERIOUS STATEMENT!!! He was extremely rude to you and if he was sober, that's even worse. I am a man and if a woman did that to me, she would be going home in a cab and never seeing me again. But I just don't take that kind of crap from anyone (anymore).

 

3. Can my boyfriend possibly be "subconsciously" reaching out to his exwife again? What do you mean, subconsciously??? He was totally consciously reaching out to her to kiss her ass...right there in front of YOU. You need to have a talk with him, calmly, and get this straight with him. If you stick with the guy, give him only one more chance. If he's this rude again, kick his butt out of your life. However, do not blame his ex. It doesn't sound like she encouraged him at all. He did all this on his own.

 

4. Am I being a bitch since he's my boyfriend and I'm begrudging him a slow romantic dance with her? No, he's being a total and complete bastard for doing this in front of you or at all. He's got the brains of a toad (or the manners of one) for dancing with his ex like this in front of you. I mean it's actually more hurtful to you in front of you than if he had gone to this wedding alone and danced with her behind your back.

 

If I don't stop writing RIGHT NOW, I'm going to do some serious damage to my computer, I'm just that mad at your boyfriend. If he doesn't straighten out real soon, like a few seconds after you read this sentence, GET AWAY FROM HIM...DUMP HIM...FORGET HIM. I'd put money he'd be back with his ex about as fast!!! I am so sorry to tell you, your relationship with him is real shakey.

 

Now why do I think I am more pissed about this situation than you? I need help!!!

[Marcella]

I agree 100 percent with Tony. Any sane, rational person would be absolutely PISSED to be treated this way by anyone, let alone their love of five years who has this bizarre relationship with an ex. I believe that most wouldn't tolerate it to the extent you have. You said in your post that you and your man try not to upset or embarras his ex by being affectionate in front of her. WHO CARES?! That to me is a HUGE "red-flag"; that he is THAT concerned about his ex's feelings. And, in my mind, it was a huge slap-in-the-face to you that the LAST, yes the very last dance of the evening, he not only didn't dance it with you, but danced with his ex! I am generally not a believer in ultimatums, but I think he needs to make a choice, this "relationship" with his ex, or his current life with you. Based on what you've said in your post, I'm very concerned about which way he would go.

 

My thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted as to how things go.

My boyfriend (5 years) and I were at his niece's wedding recently. His ex-wife (marriage lasted 17 years; she's still unattached) was also there. I believe I've been very supportive of his "relationship" with his ex-wife these past few years, ie I understand that he still wants to be friends with her and I've not whined or bitched or thrown ultimatums at him (though in private I'm sometimes a little irrationally peeved - jealous). I do give him his space and freedom. Well at the wedding, he probably could guess that I wouldn't mind him dancing with her once. I really expected it (also expected it to be a fast upbeat nonromantic song). We try not to upset or embarass her by being overly affectionate or anything like that in front of her. I, myself only danced with him a 4 or 5 times in a 4 hour period. Here's where I got my panties in a bunch:

 

Me, my boyfriend, and about another 4 people were in a loose group away from the dance floor. I guess the DJ announced it's the last song of the evening though I didn't hear him. My boyfriend got up and walked passed me to the dance floor. Curious, I looked past the post I was leaning against and saw that he was asking his exwife to dance. They danced. The song was "Lady in Red". If you don't know the song, here's the last portion of the lyrics: "Lady in Red Is dancing with me, cheek to cheek There's nobody here, it's just you and me

 

It's where I wanna be But I hardly know This beauty by my side I'll never forget The way you look tonight I never will forget The way you look tonight.... Lady in Red Lady in Red Lady in Red my Lady in Red... I love you... " Well I knew the song as they along danced together. I explained to myself that: my boyfriend probably didn't realize the time went by and that his last chance to "do his duty dance" with her was the last dance, and he couldn't help that it was a slow song and happens to be FULL of romantic meaning. Well though I tried to "deal with it", he was able to read that I was upset at something the next morning. I gave him enough info to tell him what was bugging me and then I said to the effect that he probably wasn't even aware what song was playing and that it would really piss me off if he was. Of course he said he knew what song it was. The way he said it sounded like the song may have been of some significance to them in the past. He apologizes he hurt me but he also said that he does try to "balance" things so neither me or his exwife gets upset. My questions are: Am I irrationally upset? If anyone else was in my position, would they feel the same way? Can my boyfriend possibly be "subconsciously" reaching out to his exwife again? Am I being a bitch since he's my boyfriend and I'm begrudging him a slow romantic dance with her?

[magicklady]

I can't believe you are even speaking with the jerk right now.. You are not responsible for anyone's feelings expecially an ex.. he should have danced almost all the songs with you.. and expecially the last one.(and a slow one at that). You should not have to play second best to her at all, either he loves you or he loves her. I am friends with my ex, the father of my children and in no way would I dance with him infront of my boyfriend that I was supposed to be in love with. Sound like this guy wants his cake and eat it to as the old saying goes!! I think you really need to sit down and think about your relationship, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that selfish and at the same time competing with his ex?? I am not telling you what to do.. but I would be more than pissed I would be OVER IT!