Thinking of leaving my wife

[rcsvsbays]

Wow I hope someone can help me. I am thinking of leaving my wife and I could sure use some advice.

 

I have been with my wife for 17 years, what I would consider the best 16 1/2 years of my life. We are so close, in every way. I truly believe she is my best friend. We have 3 kids one who has graduated, and a 11 and 12 yr old.

 

When I first met my wife, She had been pretty wild in her past, She drank, smoked pot and partied a lot. We dated for 3 years and she changed, she settle down, quit parting, drinking and smoking pot. About a year ago she worked with a few ladies, that got her doing all of that again. (she is easily persueaded ). We fought about it, and she quit again.

 

My problem is that she has found a new best friend. And it has all started again. But I have accepted that I would rather h do the drinking and smoking sometimes than lose her.

 

About 6 weeks ago, her friend got a divorce, and now she wants to go out all the time to bars and concerts. At one point they had gone to 5 concerts in bars in 3 weeks, and she kept staying out later and later, until about 3 a.m. All she says is she like the music. Which I believe, because she loves to dance, (she loves her ipod she dances all day.) We had a huge fight about it, the last time she came in at 4:00a.m. and she told me she would quit doing it.

 

About a week went by, and she joined a gym with this girl. I don't like her hanging out with this girl, but I figured they are just going to a gym. Now she spends $10 in gas to drive to this gym and goes about 4 times a week.

 

Then last night she went to a bar with her again, and didn't get home until 2:30 a.m.

 

I don't think I can deal with this, it would be different if they went shopping, to the movies, took the kids to the park, something else. But it is always to a bar and involves drinking. And her friend doesn't just social drink, she drinks until she gets drunk.

 

I could really use a girls advice on this, but I will take anything.

[Gunny376]

I'm guessing your in your late twenties to early thirities?

 

Get a key-logger installled, a divorce attornty and stand by to stand by!

 

Once the "Girls Nights Out" begins?

 

Its OVER!

 

Its been over! Its done!

 

There's no getting it her back!

 

There's the rare exception?

 

Such as beachbumb87

 

And her paitence is wearing thin!

[JamesM]

Actually, if you have a child that is graduated from HS, then you are probably about 38 to 40 years of age.

 

This puts your wife at her mid life, and yes, women can try to regain their youth, too.

 

My guess is that she is either simply partying because her friend parties (and then I assume you know she is with her friend), or she is meeting some guy at each of these concerts or bars.

 

The key to what she feels and what she is doing is in her mind. You mentioned talking to her about it, and you got into a fight. What was the conversation mainly about?

 

Prior to this bar hopping spree, how were the two of you getting along? How has your relationship changed? Do t he two of you still kiss and hug? Do you suspect another man? Has she wanted more sex, less sex, or about the same?

 

Has she begun wearing new clothes or rather different styles?

 

Personally, I would not rush out and get a keylogger or do anything rash. Besides unless she is suddenly spending alot more time on a home computer, then this would probably not do much for you.

 

I would also not get an attorney lined up. Once you think divorce, you assume the worst.

 

If this has been your best friend for 16 1/2 years, then simply ending this marriage without trying everything, will be something you will regret IMO. If she is your best friend still, then sitting down and discussing what she does when she is out should not be impossible. However, if she has changed and will not discuss her evenings with you, then you may have a concern. Do the two of you talk about her evenings out?

 

Do the two of you ever get out together?

 

What does she do all day? Since last night is Thursday (yes?), then she either stays home or goes to work feeling pretty tired.

 

Yes, a girls night out may be new. Yes, it COULD lead to the end, but it does not have to. It could simply be her trying to be "young" again. It could be her trying to be like her friend for the sake of friendship.

 

And it is entirely possible that she will realize how this is ruining her life and family. Let's not forget the children.

 

The key IMO is how she feels about you. If that is now completely different than it was, then you may have cause for concern.

 

Don't end things until every other possible idea has been tried. Don't end such a long term marriage if you do not feel that you have done all you can.

 

I can guarantee that you will regret it.

[myway4077]

Don't give up on your marriage find a way to make it work. Whatever is broken can be fixed just pray and ask God to help find your back to loving each other.

[seibert253]

Gunny's right, once the girls night out become a regular occurance, it's a done deal. She's cheating.

 

Gather your evidence, keylogger on computers, if you can, check her phone/texts. If you can't, get detailed billing for her cell phone. Install a VAR in her car. Consider hiring a PI to follow her on her "night's out"

 

Once you have your evidence, confront her. Let her know her partying days are over, or she moves out and you are divorcing her.

[2sunny]

Gunny's right, once the girls night out become a regular occurance, it's a done deal. She's cheating.

 

Gather your evidence, keylogger on computers, if you can, check her phone/texts. If you can't, get detailed billing for her cell phone. Install a VAR in her car. Consider hiring a PI to follow her on her "night's out"

 

Once you have your evidence, confront her. Let her know her partying days are over, or she moves out and you are divorcing her.

 

i agree with this. hire a PI and find out what's really going on. there's more to her interest of being away so much than just actually hanging around this friend at a bar or concert. she's not being honest with you.

[hopesndreams]

She's having loads of fun, out with her friend, chatting up men and who knows what else? Innocent convo with the guys they meet up with at these places? I think not and so do you.

 

Time to put the brakes on it any way you can, or she's gone. End of. Sorry.

[mark982]

why spend the money on a pi? just follow her to the bar next time she goes out,and hang out and watch,give her awhile to warm up first.

[RedDevil66]

good God, are you men THAT insecure?!

Noooooooooo, because a woman who's had 3 kids and who's been married since she was young, goes out, it does NOT mean she is cheating.

 

You want to end a marriage because you're insecure of her new life that doesn't include you?!

Why not find hobbies you like?

 

She is having fun. Let her have fun. If you keep nagging her, she will go out and do something not so good.

[hopesndreams]

I am a woman. She's up to no good. Read the whole thread b4 passing judgement.

[RedDevil66]

I am a woman. She's up to no good. Read the whole thread b4 passing judgement.

 

If this was directed at me, I read the whole thread!

 

Being a woman makes you an expert on what she's doing?

[rcsvsbays]

I am 42, and she is 37. and we get along great, even now. She dresses about the same, and we do go out a 2 to 3 times a month. One thing I am worried about is, I went out with her last friday, and she got pretty drunk, and she dances like a stripper, so then I think well what are all of these guys here thinking, when I am not here. We have talked about it, she just says she wants to have fun, I guess making up for the time she had changed when we first got married. I have a prepaid cell phone, I can't seem to find phone records for it though.

[hopesndreams]

Her friend recently got divorced. She is going to clubs, hitting the gym, of course she is having fun, lots of fun, and where there is fun, there are men.

[hopesndreams]

This has been going on for awhile, if I were you I would go through all her belongings, when she is out on the town. She may not be doing anything yet, but in time, it is inevitable.

[rcsvsbays]

Hopesndreams, are you married? if so does this seem normal. Like I said before if they were going shopping to the movies or to the park I would be okay with that, It just doesn't seem right to me for a married lady to be going to a bar without her husband. Or am I making to much out of it, I can't figure this out.

[lkjh]

good God, are you men THAT insecure?!

Noooooooooo, because a woman who's had 3 kids and who's been married since she was young, goes out, it does NOT mean she is cheating.

 

You want to end a marriage because you're insecure of her new life that doesn't include you?!

Why not find hobbies you like?

 

She is having fun. Let her have fun. If you keep nagging her, she will go out and do something not so good.

 

this is why men in the west fear marriage. Typical selfish hurtful advice.

 

You have to be a fool to believe that it is ok for a middle aged married mother to go out several times a week and get hammered at bars. This is common since.

 

 

OP, its time to seriously talk with your wife and let her know that she is on the verge of loosing her marriage. Her response will let you know what she has planned for the future. Don't let her down talk it, let her know that you are serious. Get a key logger and stop being so trusting. Her newly single friend is looking for men.

[JamesM]

Nope, I don't see any evidence of CHEATING. Assumptions are being made in that area.

 

No, it is not normal for a 42 yr old woman to go out partying, but that does not mean we jump to the conclusion that she is cheating. If the relationship with you, OP, is good otherwise, then don't make any decisions based on internet strangers. And that includes me, too.

 

And why do people keep bringing up keyloggers? Where do we read she uses a computer...let alone for communicating with an alleged lover? Even if she does, it sounds like the concern is her time away...not her hours at home.

 

And simply because she parties with a newly divorced woman does not make her a cheater. Yes, she may enjoy the attention of men, but again, that does not mean she would follow up on this.

 

Anything is possible. But assuming the worst is not the best decision in this case.

[hopesndreams]

Hopesndreams, are you married? if so does this seem normal. Like I said before if they were going shopping to the movies or to the park I would be okay with that, It just doesn't seem right to me for a married lady to be going to a bar without her husband. Or am I making to much out of it, I can't figure this out.

 

You have every reason to be concerned. When she goes out, with her newly divorced friend, there is only 1 thing on their mind. Men.

 

That's the harsh reality of it all. She gets back home in the wee hours, she makes out like your nuts for not wanting her to have fun, continues to do this knowing you aren't pleased with it. It's fun, exciting for her to go back in time, no responsibility of children and a husband. Whooping it up. The situation presents itself where a man will take an interest in her and she will be over the moon about it. Whether that leads to anything on her side, I can't say for 100% certainty. Be cautious. Go through her belongings.

 

If you are not comfortable with her going out to the bars and she does it anyway, that pretty much paints the picture.

[2sunny]

well if you don't like her going so much - put your foot down and hold to a boundary.

 

tell her she can go once a month. she what her reaction is... that should tell you if her priorities are to party - or to be a wife and mother.

[singledad2]

I would hope that you guys can come to some realization that maybe its like my situation...MLC. See if you guys can handle this constructively. I don't know what your part in all this is, but surely there is a part you play. Does she feel loved and respected? Do you by her? Unfortunately maybe its not a career, hobby that she can do instead of the partying. It depends on your belief system, but I don't think its too late but you need to get some help YESTERDAY, else I think it could be too late. Do you guys have a covenant or not?

[beachbum84]

You mentioned you two go out a few times a month. Maybe she wants to go out more with you? Have you thought about or maybe suggested taking her out to the concerts? Maybe she is just wanting to cut loose, and not feel so overly responsible. Maybe she only does it with said friend b/c who else is "allowed" to go out and party? I wouldn't be too fast to jump to conclusions, she may just be needing some fun, go with her, have fun with her.

 

My H works all nights, my dad's band plays every weekend, I got my BIL to babysit one Friday night so I could meet up with my Aunt & Dad's girlfriend to listen to him play and consume some alcohol. The BIL thought it was inappropriate for me to leave w/o H, then he felt my outfit was inappropriate, and called H as soon as I left. I came home feeling great, a night out, adult interaction, adult drinks woo-hoo! Was greeted by upset H and BIL fueling the fire. NOTHING happened, I sat in a smoke filled bar, listening to my dad's middle-aged cover band all night long sitting next to my 53 yr old Aunt and my dad's 40 something girlfriend. I haven't been back since that night, b/c for some reason my H just feels its highly inappropriate.

 

So sometimes nothing really is going on. Instead of keeping her from going, why don't you just go with?

[whichwayisup]

She needs to get her sh.it together and grow up! She's a wife and a mother! Most married women do NOT go out partying it up and drinking, staying up all night, or come home at 2am. That's crap.. Either she has a drinking problem/drug problem again, or she's cheating..Maybe not actually having sex, but she's definately acting totally inappropriate.

 

Mid life crisis, or depression..Something is wrong inside of her. She needs to suffer some kind of consquence before she changes her ways..She needs to understand what she's about to lose.. You and the kids, the house, the life, the entwined family, friends, neighbours - All of it. The choice is hers - Counselling with you and she goes on her own to deal with her issues, OR she moves out and you two legally separate. Divorce right now seems abit harsh, i say this because you really don't know wtf she's up to.

 

I like the idea of hiring a PI, just so you know what you're up against. Don't assume she's cheating, having sex with tons of men, or a man.. She may be up to no good, but that doesn't mean it's always cheating.

 

Anyway, stay strong for your kids..Shield them from this.

[IJustWannaBeHappy7]

I agree with Beachbum and a few others. I am a wife and mother of 5 kids. Sometimes I go out with my sisters on the town, and I have gotten in at about 4:30. It's about every 3months though. But I know why I went out, I went out for the attention, because I was missing it at home, and I have never cheated. Maybe you guys are so much like best friends noe that you are not as strong of lovers as you were. Just because she goes out does not mean she is cheating. You need to sit down and talk with her firmly and let her know how you feel. Her reaction will indicate where her head is. And these folks that are talking about getting an attorney, and spying on her ARE RIDICULOUS! Do not leave your wife! Find out what her intentions are, and if you are still of value to her, and see what you can do to fill that void that insists on filling with alcohol and partying. But no, I do not think it is wise to leave her or assume she is cheating! Please don;t listen to these online strangers and let them cause you to permanently lose the love of your life, because of a temporary curve ball. People are going through worst things, I for one definitely have a reason for considering divorce, CHECK OUT MY POST titled "Maybe It's Time 4 Me 2 Leave Him" Think about it. Good luck!

[beachbum84]

In the times you two have talked about it have you asked or discovered why she is going out and why so often? Do you think for a second she may have just hit a point where she feels she is only defined as a wife and mother? Perhaps she misses feeling fun, youthful, and for a brief time not being someone's mother or wife. Now before y'all fly off the handle, by being someone's wife I mean... Perhaps she wants you to make her feel like the object of your passion, not your ball and chain. Do you take her out often enough to enviroments where y'all ditch the kids, the frumpy clothes, and the blah talk (bills, kids, what to do this weekend)? Is there excitement in your life together? If not maybe thats all she is "searching" for is some excitment. So if so, give her some excitement. Life can get in a very mundane rut if you're not careful. Talk with her, try the MC, and spice it up some. No need yet to dive off the deep end. All you know is that she is going out and staying out late, having fun, and drinking and/or doing drugs. Seems like a cry for excitement to me. But that is merely IMO of course.

[ryepatch]

i think you have to trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt. do you know for a fact she's going out with her female friend? do you know how her friend feels about your marriage? try to go out with her as much as possible. this is obviously part of her personality, and if you've been together successfully so long, it can't be that she's a total partier and you're a total square.

 

don't let her think that she needs to escape the marriage to have fun! don't treat her like a teenager and try to control her.

 

try to get her to go to Marital Counseling and talk about it there. any deeper issues should come out in that context.

 

it sounds like you have a good marriage, don't let your jealousy ruin it.

 

is she drinking and driving? if so, you have a right to be concerned, as that would affect you and your kids if she was hurt or arrested or the car was impounded.