Thinking of leaving my wife

[lkjh]

I absolutely love how some of the women are responding to this. Your advice is pretty much that he needs to feel sorry for her and try an help her through this. Some people are pretty much telling him to say screw his own needs and his children's needs so she can party. If she really does have a void then she can figure it out with out partying all night and neglecting her family. If a woman was posting this about her husband all of these responses would take a 180

 

She is in her late 30's, if she is having troubles she can talk about it. Being sad does not give someone the right to neglect their family and act like a 18 year old college freshman.

 

OP, this is pretty black and white......your wife is enjoying the freedom and she will continue this until you do something. You need to let her know how much harm this is doing. Don't listen to people that are telling you to take a backseat to her night outs. If this is messing up your family then make it clear to her

[lkjh]

Beachbum,

you are going out with your dad and family not going out to bars with a newly single friend and dancing on bars for a bunch of guys to watch. The other part you have to realize is that everyone misses their youth(even men) but we have responsibilities and we can't make excuses to escape them. You can have fun but it is absolutely inappropriate for a married person to act like the OP's wife. You going out at night with FAMILY is in no way the same as what the OP's wife is doing.

 

 

Ryepatch,

you do realize the OP is writing about the fact that his wife is going out and getting hammered very often leaving him home with the kids. They have a family and her "friend" is trying to pull her into her mess. This isn't about trying to have a little fun. She is now neglecting her family and that is wrong. Your solution is to pretty much and sit back and let her do whatever she wants. In real life there is a cap on how much fun you can have with out neglecting your ADULT responsibilities.

[trippi1432]

Wow I hope someone can help me. I am thinking of leaving my wife and I could sure use some advice.

 

I have been with my wife for 17 years, what I would consider the best 16 1/2 years of my life. We are so close, in every way. I truly believe she is my best friend. We have 3 kids one who has graduated, and a 11 and 12 yr old.

 

When I first met my wife, She had been pretty wild in her past, She drank, smoked pot and partied a lot. We dated for 3 years and she changed, she settle down, quit parting, drinking and smoking pot. About a year ago she worked with a few ladies, that got her doing all of that again. (she is easily persueaded ). We fought about it, and she quit again.

 

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned this part yet. Sounds like she found herself a "drinking buddy" that brings back her old times. My husband has done this to us 3 times in the past 15 years (he's easily persuaded as well at anything that will take him back to his drunken state). When she is with this woman, she is not the same person you know at home...threatening to leave her will only make it worse. My advice....you are on a roller-coaster ride and you have to decide if you want to go through the ride again. If she has the "drinking disease", you need to decide now if you can live with that and be happy.

[ryepatch]

Ryepatch,

you do realize the OP is writing about the fact that his wife is going out and getting hammered very often leaving him home with the kids. They have a family and her "friend" is trying to pull her into her mess. This isn't about trying to have a little fun. She is now neglecting her family and that is wrong. Your solution is to pretty much and sit back and let her do whatever she wants. In real life there is a cap on how much fun you can have with out neglecting your ADULT responsibilities.

 

i tried to crack down on my wife when she was wanting to do this, and i lost my marriage. i'm not suggesting he sit back and do nothing, but rather A) try to get involved in her activities as much as possible, and B) try to work it out with her in MC so she understands his concerns.

 

if she feels controlled and suffocated, she's more likely to cheat and leave him. they need to clear the air and discuss what's acceptable and what's not, come to a compromise.

 

RBAYS, what is your biggest concern about her behaviour?

[delajoonal]

rcsvsbays....

 

i am a woman...married for 14 years until my H left for an online EA...etc etc...

 

here is MPOV...

 

as a married woman...going out with my friends is fun ...but our idea of fun at our age...43/44....

 

to the spa for mani/pedi's, shopping, movies, dinner, the city, tattoos, yes i said tattoos...

 

but at this age, i NO Longer crave that 'going out' to the clubs, where i would feel mostly like an arse because, lets face it, most of the clubs are filled with ONLY 20 somethings..maybe a handful of 30's...

 

so anything older, the women look like cougars...and that only means ONE thing....

 

also, it seems she may have a drinking problem, like trippi said?

but if she is going to the gym that is costing YOU a fortune...that doesn't involve booze...

 

so, i am going to agree with a few other posters...

 

check her cell bill calls...call some of those UNKNOWN numbers, see who answers, you can hang up or pretend to be looking for an alias...

 

also, i would follow her to the gyn ONE day and see what she is really doing there? and with who?

 

those 2 things would be my first steps..you just want to find out a little....with the cell bill and who she is with at this gym...that will prolly tell you what you need to know...or if you need to move on to bigger spy gear, i.e. key logger, PI, etc.

 

i wouldnt' say anthing to her yet...

i would do the above first..see what you get...i am almost positive you will find something at that gym?

 

you can also follow to the night club and sit in a dark corner and watch and see what she is doing and who she leaves with....

 

like i said, i would do all this spying first...

 

cause if i had to do it over, that is what i would do...

 

i just knew in MY GUT my H was doing somehting wrong..

in a matter of only 2 weeks...and i was right when i asked him, he finally admitted to the online EA...but what a mess after...

 

so i wish i would have had this forum/LS or someone to give me ideas, advice, opinions on this situation..i sure would have done ALL the spying first..

it woudl have saved me so much grief..

 

because AFTER YOU KNOW FOR SURE..then you can come back here to LS and really make an informed decision on what to do next...?

 

because if you start just asking ? and accusing of cheating, etc...she will only push further away..and that will be so frustrating..I KNOW.

 

so..you have a lot of good advice on this board..some i DO NOT agree with..because NO it is NOT NORMAL for a married woman with 3 kids and a LTM, to want to go out drinking and more withOUT her man..sorry...

i am one of those wiives that would be miserable at a club with out my man, i only want to dance with him...and laugh with him...

 

somethings change as we get older, married with children...and that night life cr*p is certainly one of them.

 

good luck and keep us posted and remember, there are some really great members that can really help you thru this difficult time.

[trippi1432]

Hey Dela,

 

I am in total agreement with you on this....and at the 40's, in a married relationship, you want your man with you on a night out. I know I did, but my man refused...he was harboring me not going to a certain football game with him from years earlier....childish-ness. Even married, grown adults are subject to childish-ness!! LOL!

 

On the gym thing, she may be wanting to get in shape....thinking more about her health, but I would definitely find out if some guys at the gym that they might be checking out frequent that nightclub too.

[RedDevil66]

this is why men in the west fear marriage. Typical selfish hurtful advice.

You have to be a fool to believe that it is ok for a middle aged married mother to go out several times a week and get hammered at bars. This is common since.

 

 

OP, its time to seriously talk with your wife and let her know that she is on the verge of loosing her marriage. Her response will let you know what she has planned for the future. Don't let her down talk it, let her know that you are serious. Get a key logger and stop being so trusting. Her newly single friend is looking for men.

 

really. was there studies done on this knowledge you have?!

 

Maybe he should take her out back and stone her for having fun?!

 

I'm a middle aged woman and love to go out and have fun. Guess what, he doesn't OWN his wife and she is entitled to have her own life.

 

Here in the west, we are not shackled

[JustineLove]

Gunny's right, once the girls night out become a regular occurance, it's a done deal. She's cheating.

 

Gather your evidence, keylogger on computers, if you can, check her phone/texts. If you can't, get detailed billing for her cell phone. Install a VAR in her car. Consider hiring a PI to follow her on her "night's out"

 

Once you have your evidence, confront her. Let her know her partying days are over, or she moves out and you are divorcing her.

 

What's the point? Why waste your energy on someone who you cannot trust? If you don't trust her that's enough. Invading her privacy will only complicate things if she isn't seeing someone else and is really having fun with her girlfriends. Let her know that you don't trust her and that she needs to be more transparent if you are going to trust her. If she doesn't see that you are doing the right thing and ignores your feelings, then leave.

[LakesideDream]

I have a bit of experiance here, even the ages were somewhat similar. My ex hit a point, about 20 years (and a 15 and 16 year old) into the marriage when she decided start "going out" with the girls. New people were hired where she worked and they were a younger crowd, mid twenties.

 

She started going out with them. Like the OP's wife, her behavior changed. She started drinking heavily and staying out late. This happened 2-3 nights some weeks. We had always shared a night or two out a week together, this dropped to a night every two weeks or so.

 

Then.... again similar, the gal my ex was closest to at work, (and at night) seperated from her husband of 5 years. Now my ex was out with her 4 nights a week. Doing what?

 

We all know what the "what" was. She was meeting men in those clubs. Drinking and dancing with them. Making out in the parking lot, and of course more. It lead eventually to a "D-day" where she gave me the "space" speach. She decided to stay in the home until she could "afford" to move out.... she never did. Six months of limbo went by. She continued her behavior and I continued to maintain the home for our children. One morning out of the blue... she told me she had decided not to leave, and wanted to recommit to the marriage. By this time one child was 17, the other 18 and was near moving out for college.

 

We "recommitted" she seldom went out alone. When the younger kid reached adulthood and "moved out" my ex and I moved to another state, to "start again" as empty nesters. A year to the date we moved she came up with d-day #2 this time, not for space... forever, she was going to leave and persue a relationship with her high school BF.

 

I found out through honest talk before she moved out of the house that she had been having an affair with the HS BF for 23 years, on and off. And that when she started "bar hopping" the first time she had "a few" boyfriends, one "serious" before deciding to settle on her long term affair partner. They commited to a "4 year plan" in which she would square herself away financially so they could start a new life. She lasted 18 months before forcing him to leave his wife.

 

I've often wondered what would have happened had she not started "bar hopping"....