Why do people have to stay in contact with their exes?

[AprilFool]

It would really hurt my feelings if my husband felt a need to continue to contact any of his ex-girlfriends. I once went out with this guy who continued to be "friends" with an ex-girlfriend. Once she found out that he was seeing someone, all of a sudden she was meeting him for lunch, and calling him every day, and the next thing I know, I'm old news, and she's his new woman! After that, I didn't tolerate a man staying friends with his ex. I felt that if you needed to stay in contact with someone who was an ex, then you still had feelings for one another. I also felt that if talking to an ex was more important to him than my insecurities, then I apparently wasn't important enough. 90% of my boyfriends stopped talking to their ex-girlfriends on their own after we started dating. They just didn't want or need them in their life any more...

 

This topic is not neccessarily for someone who was best friends with someone for 5 years, then hooked up for a couple of months, then decided it wasn't right, and broke up. That kind of relationship I can understand maybe.

 

I had a "best friend" for a year who was involved with someone else. They broke up for a brief period, *a week* and this "best friend" and I hooked up. When he decided that things weren't really over between him and his ex, I completely understood, and we decided to keep our short relationship to ourselves, and continue being friends. When I met my husband (about 3 months later) I quit talking to him as much. Once my husband and I got engaged, the only time my "friend" and I talked was to discuss wedding plans. Once I got married, I called him one time *about 2 weeks after* just to let him know that I was happy, and everything was going great.

 

We haven't spoken since. I felt that it would be disrespectful to my husband for me to talk to someone that I was involved with, even though it was for such a tiny time. If, when I was dating my husband, he had asked me not to contact my friend any more, I would've obliged. I feel that if you commit to dating someone, then they should be number one in your life, and that includes leaving any friends that they may be uncomfortable with. I also feel that if you are not willing to ditch your friend for the person you are in a relationship with, then you don't need to be in a relationship with that person.

 

What is this need to contact someone from your past? I was great friends with this guy for a long time, but I have ALWAYS felt that if I want to have friends, then I'll be friends with WOMEN. My husband has lots of friends, and they are MEN. I feel (and this is just my opinion) that continuing to be "friends" with an ex when you are in a relationship with someone else, is just inviting disaster. Of course your significant other is going to feel threatened and insecure...why wouldn't they?

 

This is all just my opinion; I am not asking for anyone to attack me on why I am so narrow minded. I did ask a question at the beginning, "Why do people have to stay in contact with their exes?" and I genuinely want to know.

 

Thanks in advance for curing my curiousity!

[quankanne]

why do they stay in contact with their exes? for one of two reasons, in my opinion:

 

1. they cannot let go of that emotional involvement, so they continue the relationship in a different format, hoping to still get gratification.

 

2. they feel that they can remain friends with this person, without any of their previous intimate relationship getting in the way.

 

Ideally, it'd be great if you could end up on civil terms with the person you'd once dated, to the point where if you happened to bump into each other, you'd politely say hello and leave it at that. But in reality, a lot of us just don't leave it at that -- we want to "show" our exes that we've gotten along without them rather well, and that our lives are just so wonderful. (just think of 10 and 20 year class reunions!)

[Arabess]

I really like Quank's No. 1 point there. I really believe that is the main reason why.

 

I think it's fine to stay friends...if you can.

 

Ofcourse, I always wonder if two people can be do damn chummy afterwards....why didn't they just stay together in the first place?????

 

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who still needed to have contact with the ex......except when children were involved.

[AprilFool]

Good point.

[raine]

As in another post, what about ex that was the 1st, 1stl ove and the other 1st too, dated for a year or two and they remain friends afterwards?

[AprilFool]

Originally posted by raine

As in another post, what about ex that was the 1st, 1stl ove and the other 1st too, dated for a year or two and they remain friends afterwards?

 

I would be uncomfortable with it

[Melinda]

i lived with 2 kinds of insecurities this year. One of them seems to have disappeared for some strange reason, and that was his psycho ex kept calling him literally numerous times a day, and would not let him get off the phone, and continue to call the house and wouldn't get off so people could call or use the phone, he had to put the phone down for like half an hour, while I was crying my eyes out saying "Why do you still have to talk to her she's causing nothing but trouble"...anyway for 7 months this went on, then she called once that I know of, and since then it's been fairly peaceful...(just waiting for her to see him and start it all up again...)

 

The other is something I have to cope with somehow and that's his earlier ex of 3 and a half years who he had a kid with.

 

its hard but i'll get there

[raine]

The 1st - thank you. I'm not the only one who is or would be uncomfortable with it. I know he will talk to her again one day but hopefully just in passing.

 

The ex that he has a kid to huh? I dated my last bf for 4.5 years and that was a major issue that we had. I couldn't handle the fact that he had a kid to another woman. Now there was a lot of history with his ex, they were together, broke up, he and I dated, he cheated on me with her and they had a kid. A few years later they broke up and we got back together. I thought I could handle it but never could. If you honestly believe that you can get past it then by all mean stay and fight but don't do what I did and fight a losing battle. I have since resigned myself that I can never be with a man who has children. Maybe if I was in the same position and had children to someone I was no longer with then I would understand but I'm not. Call it selfish but at least I am not wasting anyone's time anymore or ever again.

 

Good luck, I wish you the best.

[ello]

I would just like to say that I disagree that one must still have feelings for an ex if they are friends with them. I think that that is probally true in most cases, however, one of my very best friends is an ex of a three year relationship. He has always been there and cared for me. We broke up eight years ago and we have never had anything other than friendship since. (no sex, romantic intimacy, etc. at all.) We are just close friends that see each other once in awhile, chat on the phone, share advice, etc. His girlfriend and I also happen to be friends, and met through him.

This is probally rare, and is could possibly make my mates jealous or insecure, but I know that we are just friends with no intention other than that. However, if it was a problem, I would do something to address the way my man was feeling.

[Melinda]

Hey Raine thanks for your reply...it worries me that you say 4.5 years later you broke up...because that's how I feel...I don't know I guess I want to give it a try...I was afraid of wasting his time too...but he just said well he'd be very hurt if I left without giving it a chance (we've only been together 9 months) and that he loves me heaps, i'm the nicest girlfriend he's ever had (all his others were complete cows or didn't stick around) and said I should stick around to find out...because i may get used to it or I may not...

 

but then i thought well the longer i stay the harder it would be to go...but I want to stay...because at the same time I'm pretty happy because I love him to death...so he's worth it I reckon! And I don't have 4.5 years to find out hehehe because he wants to get married in about 3 years (he's already 25 in jan afterall)...but then again, having a baby with someone is a bigger committment than getting a piece of paper that calls you Mr and Mrs...

 

 

I don't think there are any solutions to my insecurity issues...I think time will show me what's to be...

 

But nevertheless venting on here and talking about tings does help! it reminds me everyday that I'm not alone.

[BraveGirl]

Because they can become the best friends.

I have cried for 5 weeks since my bf leaving me, have not wanted to see friends, do anything.

I have just spent the evening with an ex of about 8 years ago, and I feel comforted and cared about. There is NO attraction there, we are just old friends with a few extra insights into each other. I found talking to him incredibly helpful, especially as right now after a break up you feel ashamed and wonder if you are a bad person.

 

An ex who has become a friend can be in a wonderful position to help you at a bad time.

I just feel now having seen him how glad I am we are friends.

 

It is definitley nt about attraction, but about knowing each other well and knowing that you care, more like family I suppose.

 

Thank god for exes I say.

[VivianLee]

This is a quote from the thread "Help I love my husband so much"...

 

AprilFool wrote:

 

"But......

 

The boyfriend I had before him won't get out of my head!!! I dream about him all the time, and when my husband and I fight, I mentally compare them. I think, "My ex would've treated me so much better than he does....bla bla bla."

 

My dreams go like this: I'm with my ex, and something just doesn't feel right. Suddenly, I remember that I'm married to my husband. Or: I'm married to my ex, and something doesn't feel right, and I realize I'm in love with someone else, so I think, "Why did I marry my ex!?!?! I'm in love with my husband!!!"

 

Whenever my ex crosses my mind, I get a fluttery feeling....kind of like you get a couple of days after you've just shared the "I love you" in a relationship, and it passes your memory. Then, the fluttery feeling turns to sadness, because the relationship is over.

 

My ex dumped me. I still don't know why. In my opinion, we were deleriously happy, then one day he just quit calling, and a week later he broke it off....and I never knew why.

 

Sometimes I think to myself that if I hadn't met my husband, the ex would've come around, and we may've gotten back together. Then I realize how happy I am, and what a downer it would've been if I hadn't met my husband.

 

My question is this: What the heck is wrong with me!? I've been married 8 months, and I love my husband so much, and I love my new life so much, and besides all of that, my husband can give me so much more than my ex ever could have. I feel like a traitor for having dreams, and the fluttery feelings over someone else.....and I want it to stop.

 

How do I make it stop?"

[needesteem]

What is considered "normal" when a pre-teen and teen are involved and there is joint custody?

[Pookette]

I remain friends with my exes, well most of them, because I found qualities in them that would be desirable as either a friend or something potentially more.

 

I think that a "cooling down" period is needed after a relationship ends to allow both people to deal with their feelings and emotions without having the other person there to cloud their judgement though.

 

Both people, depending on the seriousness and depth to the previous relationship, probably have a jump start on a friendship because each person knows the others ideas, goals, personality quirks-whatever, like BraveGirl said about her ex.

 

To the original poster, how many of us have heard of someone's wife/girlfriend/husband etc. hooking up with someone of the same sex? It sounds like something from Jerry Springer, but it could happen. Limiting yourself to friends of the same sex is not going to prevent someone from cheating. Not being friends with exes is not going to prevent someone from cheating. Love and respect will prevent someone from cheating.

 

One of my dearest friends is a guy who once had feelings for me. There are different kinds of love, and even though I'm married myself, I love my friend very much, just in a different way.

[sarah12]

I have never been in a relationship for longer than a year, and I definitely do not want to remain friends with either of the two I had those relationships with. I understand that if you have dated for a number of years, you become very close to the person, but I still don't understand why you must remain friends. There must be a reason for the break up otherwise you would be together.

 

I wish I could truly understand how it feels to have been with someone for that long and then remain friends...I see everyone here posting and saying that it is possible, but what were the reasons for the break up in the first place??

 

The reason I am asking is because I am in a situation where a guy broke things off with me b/c he didn't want to hurt his ex's feelings (they broke up after 4-5 years), even though he had been over her for the last half year of their relationship...

[Melinda]

Why being the ultimate question...sometimes I wish i could just stop wondering the same things over and over as everyone else and just stop thinking!!! Who knows why people need to be friends with their exes, well my bf and i don't like it but there's an exception for him of course because of his daughter...so i'm not really going to get into it for the hundredth time i'm sure i can find something else to complain about...oh which reminds me...

 

Okay at the very beginning of my relationship my bf said that I would "just have to be careful" because his ex still cared about him...excuse me? I'D HAVE TO?! Just tonight...8 months later I asked him what he meant by that...didn't really get a straight answer out of him...

 

And another thing he said was (about should I ever fall pregnant by him) that "he wouldn't want that to happen cause his ex would probably get upset"...and I said to him "Excuse me but that's none of her business what happens between us in the future..." and he said that was true but it would just be "human nature"...

 

Hmmmm okk...whatever that means...but I think he meant that she would get upset because she'd be afraid that he wouldn't pay as much attention to his 4 yr old...and that it would make her less important...but that's silly! He adores his daughter! And so do I! So I really hope that isn't a problem for me in the future...because I still have the right to have his children too...right?!

[Sugarmama]

I feel that this post was a really good one and also very ironic for the things that are happening in my relationship right now. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now and ever since day one there were always his ex's or my ex's trying to interfere with our relationship. One of his ex girlfriend's kept stopping by and leaving notes in his bathroom telling him to call her, leaving messages with his family members to call her or just plain calling his sisters up and asking them to hang out. It just became really uncomfortable for me, because I felt like I was the one who didn't fit in. But it got worse...not only did his ex keep stopping by but so did her mom! Her mom would stop by his house to give him birthday presents, cards, candy and even books about religion. One time when the mom stopped over to talk to him about religion and brought a book she had for him, I happened to be there ( I was living with him at the time) and it made her feel uncomfortable to see me and him together. After that neither the ex or her mom came over and the calls started to disappear. Until, one day I saw her number on his cell phone and he was gone training with the Marines, so I did what any girlfriend would do, I called her up. At first our conversation started out rude and calling each other out everything wrong she had done to him in the past and the 100 reasons I had for him not wanting to be with her ever again. She told me how I wasn't a good girlfriend and how she would always love my boyfriend still.

 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing so I finally told her about something I knew they had done together while him and I were had talked about dating, and she was devistated. She coulnd't believe I had found out, and immediately apologized for making such a fuss about him and I being together. I explained how Michael felt horrible about what he had done and would discontinue his friendship or contact with her, and that in return is why he never called her back or took notice to her notes she left.

 

At the time Michael and I had only been dating for a year, but now that it had been two years, I will never stand for anything like that to happen ever again. Michael is in the Marines now and our relationship is as strong as it has ever been and that is why I would not let another person (man or woman) break us apart...it's not wroth it in the end. I believe a relationship is only as strong as it's weakest link and if having some one else that is of the opposite sex in yours or his life exist you will be sure to encounter problems. And as you said it is healthy to have outlets besides each other such as friends...but make sure to keep them of the same sex unless they are a mutual friend of both you and your significant other. Many friendships involving a man and a women often lead to cheating or other miscomminications that can hurt or even end a marriage/intimiate relationship.

 

To this day that ex still asks my friends about me and about how Michael and I are doing. I find it funny that after two years she would still be curious as to how some one she dated three years ago is doing with some one else. It would be some what normal if they were best friends before or had dated for a long time, but she met him, dated him, cheated on him and then wanted to keep him on a leash to still do things for her even though she had a new boyfriend. This girl is like a lot of other women/men out in the world who can't seem to let go and often become leaches to anyone that is interested in them. I just hope if Michael and I get married and start a family she won't be inviting herself to our wedding or kid's birthday parties...haha!!

[lover87]

i'm in the same situation as a lot of you. My boyfriend was with his ex for only 8 months. it was his "first love" and he thinks that i need to understand why they still have contact with eachother because she was a big part of his life back then. His ex has a boyfriend now also, and he also feels uncomfortable when they contact eachother. When they talk to eachother on the phone they talk about their relationships and talk about our problems. He talks about her a lot and tries to hide some things because he figures i'll "get mad" if i know they talk on the phone still. He says that he feels nothing for her, but he wants to have a friendship with her because she was a big part of his life. I have never felt jealous until this happened and i feel uncomfortable about it all. Why does he still have to talk to her when he has me? I dont know how to deal with this jealously and if im in the wrong about this i want to know. Should he still talk to her and should i understand it from his point of view? How can u get rid of jealously?

[YellowLioness]

I'm friends with nearly all of my exes. But, it's not to get some kind of gratification. My exes know me better then ALMOST anyone else does. This excludes my best friend, and current boyfriend. I'm not saying that I'm buddy buddy all the time, but there is no hate there. *shrugs* If I saw one of my exes on the street, I would not look away. If they ever needed a favor, I would not turn them away because of what has happened in the past. And, it's not even like I haven't had some bad break ups with the people I've dated. But, the friendship is more important to me then the things that were fought about. I wouldn't stop being friends with a person just because I had a falling out with them. Then again, I do make it a point to be friends with someone before I date them. If you can't be friends with them, how does that bode for the rest of the relationship? And, if you break up with them and the relationship totally dies, how significant was what you REALLY had with that person?

Eh, this is just my opinion, but i sure enjoyed writing it!

 

:-D Yellow

[msrealdoll]

"Ofcourse, I always wonder if two people can be do damn chummy afterwards....why didn't they just stay together in the first place?????"

 

I wonder this too, Arabess! I've actually wondered it about a relationship I've had. We were great friends afterward, but our intimate relationship sucked.

 

I would love to be able to remain friends with all of my exes. I went out with them for a reason, and just because we didn't work out as a couple doesn't mean I don't care anything about them. I still wonder about them sometimes, and would like to know how they're doing.