Why your ex gf is NOT coming back

[BCCA]

After being here for a while, and kind of thinking back on my life's experiences, I've compiled this post to explain to recently dumped guys why you really just need to focus on moving on. As far as Im concerned, anyone dumped, man/woman, should just move on, but its far more true for men, and here is why.

 

1. You were dumped 4-12 weeks ago

She may have just clued you into what was going on today, but she's been slowly dumping you over a while, at least a month or longer. She's been convincing herself you werent the one, shes been emotionally detaching from you and the relationship, shes been over judging every *mistake* you made, and shes been telling all her friends and family youve got to go. By the time she drops the bomb on you, you are SO dumped its not even funny.

 

2. She has a replacement

Before any of the women get up in arms about this one, Im not saying she was cheating, per say. Im just saying that women usually have their eye on something else, even if its just meaningless sex and some attention. They rarely dump a guy and just spend months in solitude getting over the break. Theyre almost always right back out with someone else, or at the bars with thier girls. She wont need you for sex/attention.

 

3. Its too late

Trust me, when you hear 'weve got to talk', youre doomed. Its over, and its far too late to do anything about it. I know, you probably asked her a a million times if something was wrong over the last month, and she told you without fail that everything was fine. Guess what? She lied. Shes been telling everyone you suck and shes going to dump you, so not only would she be putting her pride aside to get back with you, she would be dealing with 'I thought you broke up?' from all her friends and family.

 

4. She really doesnt want to be friends

I know, everyone says they do, and most people might actually feel like they do, but lets be honest - two people that used to date are just horrible friends to each other. The person who got dumped usually only goes along with it to get back together, while the dumper only does it to shed some guilt, and in both cases the alterior motives prove determental to the 'friendship'. If you think a girl who dumped you has 5 seconds for you once shes found someone else, good look.

 

5. NC is just fine with her

Trust me, NC doesnt have the same effect on a woman who dumped you that most here hope it does. She would preffer no contact over any contact that involves you being pathetic, or otherwise making her feel guilty. She might try and hope that youre just fine with everything, but when she realizes you werent happy about what happened, NC is just fine.

 

6. She doesnt want you back

At the end of the day, you were dumped because the woman didnt feel like you were the one, or more likely, thought she could do better. Unless she said 'I cant be with you unless x...' she doesnt want you back. She doesnt want you to change, or care if you act differently, or want you to try again, shes done. All doing any of that will do is waste time.

 

7. If its been longer than 4-6 months, its just not happening

Like NoFoolin said, if its been months, youre going to need a 100 yard hail mary pass to get her back. The likelyhood of this working in your favor are about as good as your chances of being asked to join an orgy by a team of female tennis players: not likely. If that much time has passed with no word from your ex about wanting to talk/get together/etc...shes over you. She has no desire to see you at all.

 

There are other lesser reasons, too, but the main point of this post is to let the guys know that women leave, and they leave for good. Even if you did manage to get her back, its going to be short lived. Ive gotten second chances with 2 women, and both times - it was a complete and utter waste. It just wasted time, because truth be told, they were never 100% back in.

 

Guys, when a girl 'needs to talk', just hear her out, say you understand, and dissapear. No need to draw anything out longer than it needs to, and no point wasting your time and energy on it any longer.

[New Again]

Nice post, it's all true!

[skreen23]

Wow, that's really cheered me up. So your basic drift is if you're a fella you're bolloxed???

You may be right but i know the only three men in human history ever to get back with their ex-gfs when they broke off with them.

1. My father (my mother broke off with him when they were dating)

2. Next door neighbour (his wife broke off with him when they were dating)

3. A good friend of mine. (same as above)

Oh yeah, i remember once cleopatra broke it off with marc anthony for a few months but they got back together.

[Quest]

Wow, that's really cheered me up.

 

So your basic drift is if you're a fella you're bolloxed???

You may be right but i know the only three men in human history ever to get back with their ex-gfs when they broke off with them.

1. My father (my mother broke off with him when they were dating)

2. Next door neighbour (his wife broke off with him when they were dating)

3. A good friend of mine. (same as above)

Oh yeah, i remember once cleopatra broke it off with marc anthony for a few months but they got back together.

 

I can think of a few examples of dumpees and dumpers who reunited as well - and who are still together.

 

Also, I don't agree dumping is as pre-mediated as the OP says. I've finished with men (and been finished with) but when I've done the dumping I haven't been thinking about it for months and months and had somebody else lined up - I've just ended it because I was unhappy and couldn't see things improving, despite trying.

And when I've wanted to 'talk' I have genuinely wanted to talk, to see if things could be sorted out.

Just my experience!

[BCCA]

I can think of a few examples of dumpees and dumpers who reunited as well - and who are still together.

 

And there are examples of people winning the lotto and not having to work again, finding priceless art stashed in an attic, and stumbling upon gold mines accidentally. Point being, everyone knows that its possible, but its not probable.

 

Also, I don't agree dumping is as pre-mediated as the OP says. I've finished with men (and been finished with) but when I've done the dumping I haven't been thinking about it for months and months and had somebody else lined up - I've just ended it because I was unhappy and couldn't see things improving, despite trying.

 

I respect that, but thats not how most women operate, seriously. Ask most girls, and they thought of dumping the guy for at least a month before actually doing it. Im not trying to make it sinister, my only point is that while guys are more reactionairy, and do things on the fly, women think long and hard, and only dump someone when theyve reached the conclusion that its the right thing to do, and at that point...

 

So your basic drift is if you're a fella you're bolloxed???

 

Women are FAR less likely to want to reconnect than men are, simply because they reach the decision slowly, and have a support system around them. Men really dont want to hear other mens relationship issues, so us guys are kind of left to figure it out alone.

 

Im not saying any of this is 100% accurate for everyone, that would be silly, but I will say - from my experience - this stuff is true more often than not.

[skreen23]

in fairness, man, most of my friends and family memebers have at some stage broken up with their significant other and later got back together. All relationships go through good/bad stages. I know my mother told me years ago she was condsidering leaving my father but they managed to patch things up. I just REALLLY REALLY hate when people go "Women always..." or "Men always.." as if we're some kind of automotons controlled by whatever is between our legs.

From my personal experience i could say all Fins are alcoholic wife beaters who set your table on fire while trying to make hash oil. Or all scottish are smelly and hairy and leave you with a massive electric bill. Or all south african have walter mitty complexes and claim to be secret agents. Or all Iranians smoke opium. Maybe its the circles i move in.

[Quest]

I respect that, but thats not how most women operate, seriously. Ask most girls, and they thought of dumping the guy for at least a month before actually doing it. Im not trying to make it sinister, my only point is that while guys are more reactionairy, and do things on the fly, women think long and hard, and only dump someone when theyve reached the conclusion that its the right thing to do, and at that point....

 

I guess I just don't see this as a gender thing. I don't know the ins and outs of all my friends' break-ups but I do know of quite a few men who 'planned' to get out of a relationship and had somebody lined up in advance. IME it's men who move on to a new relationship more quickly, often because they already had it lined up. My female friends, and me, have tended to have long gaps between relationships, basically to recover:). But really, I'm sure you'll get as many men as women who dump in a calculated way and just as many women as men who are more emotional, and one day just decide they've had it.

 

 

 

Women are FAR less likely to want to reconnect than men are, simply because they reach the decision slowly, and have a support system around them. Men really dont want to hear other mens relationship issues, so us guys are kind of left to figure it out alone.

 

Im not saying any of this is 100% accurate for everyone, that would be silly, but I will say - from my experience - this stuff is true more often than not.

 

Agree on the point of women having better support systems. I think it's a lot harder for men after a break-up because of this. Not sure if that makes us less likely to want to reconnect with our exes though - it's a different kind of closeness you have with your female friends than you have with a partner. If you're missing your partner, you're missing your partner and no friendship can make up for that kind of loss - although it certainly helps with coping.

[skreen23]

Again, another generalisation (i don't think thats a real word but oh well), during my break up my male friends were VERY supportive and gave me lots of advice (mostly move on).

I really hate this "Men are.." and "Women always..." codology. Everyone has got different facets too their personality. Everyone is an individual.

[Quest]

Again, another generalisation (i don't think thats a real word but oh well), during my break up my male friends were VERY supportive and gave me lots of advice (mostly move on).

I really hate this "Men are.." and "Women always..." codology. Everyone has got different facets too their personality. Everyone is an individual.

 

Well, the support system 'thing' is the only gender generalisation I agreed with in the OP. But I glad to hear you've got good, supportive friends. I stand corrected!

 

Maybe it's because I'm a woman I'm incapable of seeing the nuances in life ....

[skreen23]

Yeah women and fins are generally crap at the whole nuance thing.

[Exit]

Most of what you said is true, but some things just can't be boiled down to a complete generalization. No hope after 4-6 months? People get back together. I see what you're saying about the difference between probable/possible though.

 

In my case, most of it applies. I believe she started the process of breaking up mentally much earlier than the day she told me, I believe she already had this guy in mind who she is seeing now, I believe she is perfectly fine with NC, and despite all the changes that I have truly made, she just doesn't care.

[Quest]

Yeah women and fins are generally crap at the whole nuance thing.

 

A subtle observation only an Irish male could be capable of.

[skreen23]

Yeah, i'm here drunk with a pint of stout, eating a bowl of lucky charms sitting by a pot of gold, cursing the english while at the same time writing a play/novel.

[BCCA]

I guess I just don't see this as a gender thing. I don't know the ins and outs of all my friends' break-ups but I do know of quite a few men who 'planned' to get out of a relationship and had somebody lined up in advance. IME it's men who move on to a new relationship more quickly, often because they already had it lined up. My female friends, and me, have tended to have long gaps between relationships, basically to recover:). But really, I'm sure you'll get as many men as women who dump in a calculated way and just as many women as men who are more emotional, and one day just decide they've had it.

 

I think its definitely a gender thing, if for no other reason than the support system. Men simply dont have the ability to talk things out with a third party, and therefore, dont get much in the way of external feedback before making a decision. For that reason alone, they are more likely to act on a whim.

 

Gaps between relationships are irrelevant. I never meant to say that women go into another relationship, simply that they seek out and find new ways for attention. If thats going out to bars every night, sleeping with a FWB, or simply talking to a new guy over email, they dont need their ex for attention. Thats my only point, Im not saying women are scandolous and cheat and line up sex calls.

 

Again, another generalisation (i don't think thats a real word but oh well), during my break up my male friends were VERY supportive and gave me lots of advice (mostly move on).

I really hate this "Men are.." and "Women always..." codology. Everyone has got different facets too their personality. Everyone is an individual

 

Like I said, I never claimed this was 100% accurate for every woman, BUT it applies to many women, far more than men. I never said always, just most of the time, and as far as Im concerned, I stand by my belief that it holds true more often than not. Personalities and people are different, so this is far from a 'one size fits all' kind of thing.

 

Also, your male friends would much rather help you than they would another male friend, if they would even listen to/help said male friend at all.

 

Most of what you said is true, but some things just can't be boiled down to a complete generalization. No hope after 4-6 months? People get back together. I see what you're saying about the difference between probable/possible though.

 

The chances of you getting back together after youve been broken up for 6 months are about the chances of a football team being down 6 with time expiring on their own 1 yard line, and hucking a hail mary to win the game. Its possible, happened before and will happen again, but its not likely, and you shouldnt bank on it, hope for it, or expect it to happen.

[sheithappens]

what about a guy who broke up with his chick out of impulse because of anger in august and the girl is under alot of stress because of her third time taking the lsat in the end of sept.. is it possible to get back together?

[Oh Moe]

OK coming from a person who is as confused as hell so my 2 cents ain't worth a whole lot here.

I actually hang with a lot of women, involved with all types of sports with the kids. I started a week or so ago asking the second chance question of the ones I know. Here's the difference, second chances rarely work, new beginnings after a change seems to work here. Several gave examples of husbands who actually didn't change but tweaked their lifestyle. Some were as far as divorce court and STARTED OVER. This was only about a dozen people or so.

[patkirk]

I actually thought it was the opposite, I've seen a lot of women get back with ex's who weren't good for them and end up breaking up over and over, sometimes for years. If your observation were true then how would you explain the battered women syndrome? I think men tend to break up with their SO's without getting back together more than women.

[PandaStillLovesBunny]

Well, hello, cheerful.

 

All I can say is that if you think that your situation is the same as all other situations, you've got a hell of a self-absorbed streak. It's NOT always over. It's NOT all the same. And the only man who is never to be redeemed is the man without passion.

[boogieboy]

I actually thought it was the opposite, I've seen a lot of women get back with ex's who weren't good for them and end up breaking up over and over, sometimes for years. If your observation were true then how would you explain the battered women syndrome? I think men tend to break up with their SO's without getting back together more than women.

 

Thats only for women whos men dumped them. But that doesnt apply to this thread, this is only for guys that got dumped and think they have a second chance.

[BCCA]

I actually thought it was the opposite, I've seen a lot of women get back with ex's who weren't good for them and end up breaking up over and over, sometimes for years. If your observation were true then how would you explain the battered women syndrome? I think men tend to break up with their SO's without getting back together more than women.

 

Men are four times more likely to get back with someone they dumped than a woman. The particular women you speak of, like boogie said, are those who are on the recieving end of a dumping.

 

Im talking about the guys here because their gf dumped them, I didnt intend to take on every hypothetical. Obviously, as stated, there is no one size fits all rule for this stuff.

 

All I can say is that if you think that your situation is the same as all other situations, you've got a hell of a self-absorbed streak. It's NOT always over. It's NOT all the same. And the only man who is never to be redeemed is the man without passion.

 

How am I self absorbed? I just posted this based of what Ive seen and experienced, which is what all of us have to go on in life. And AGAIN, Ive stated that none of this are 100%, at no time did I say that anything was always the same. I think you might have recently gotten dumped, dont like what you hear?

[bhweller]

every woman I have ever had anything long term with has tried to come back, but I sure as hell didn't want them, I felt I had suffered enough

[NopeNah]

BCCA, IS spot on! If they left you for something better they're gone! Sure, they might comeback but, for how long? Then.. there you set "walking on eggshells" not wanting to provoke another breakup.. Who the hell wants to live like that? I'm of the opinion that once they leave, they can stay gone!

[northstar1]

Pretty spot on there BCCA. Yes, there are ofcourse exceptions, but for the most part, based on my experience, and others (both friends and on LS), it's pretty accurate.

[logitech]

I have to say I agree with a lot of this.

 

The biggest one of all is the support group factor and the lead up to a break up. I am under the belief that women tend to talk about breaking up to their friends early on. This only contributes to the spiral down to break up land.

 

When there is a problem in a relationship, whatever it is, when women talk to their friends they tell it from their perspective. Since women generally support/nurture they just want to make the friend feel better and support them in their decision. Therefore if a woman was to way to her friends "so and so did this to me" it would likely be met with "oh, that's terrible!!" I think women are less likely to look at it objectively and step back from the emotion to understand the situation may be two sided. The friends then create an affirmation that whatever negative feelings she is having are correct and the spiral is well on its way.

 

Not sure if what I wrote reads the way I was hoping but yeah. Who am I to know, I am only male

[Weezy]

I'm going to say that this is BS.

 

I think you are underestimating the power of true NC.

 

It might seem like this is the case for most people here, however, what I've noticed about forums like this is by the time that people get here, they've already done too much damage.

 

If you get dumped by your GF and you can truly not go crazy and beg to get her back, you prove to her that you are a high value male and that no matter what she does, you're not gonna break. She won't be able to just forget you and move on that quickly.

 

Of all my relationships, there has only been one time when I went pure NC and she didn't come back.... And that relationship had already involved 1 breakup where she did come back.

 

Don't lose hope fellas. I've watched this work time and time again, if you don't contact your ex, and she has no way of knowing what you're up too, unless she's met the man of her dreams, she will get curious. If you can man it up, and not cry or whine, you don't give her ANY power after the breakup and it will be as hard for her to get over as it will be for you.

 

NC is not a an option, it's a must!!!