Wife doesn't know if she wants to be married.

[steveb]

Forgive rambling please.

 

Wife doesn't know if she wants to be married.

Met at Her 17 and me 19.

Been married fo 11 years

Kids are 9 and 5

 

My wife has made a new set of freinds when we moved here.

They we all couples and our boys were is scouts together etc.

I thought this was great because my wife never had any good friends.

They would go out for a ladies night about once a month after the kids were in bed.

 

I thought that was healthy, she would have some fun, I would have some personal time.

 

We already had a few issues:

I am smothering, but not controlling nor romantic. (kinda needy I guess)

My wife can upset easily at times. may or may not be because of the marriage, but definatley causes a problem.

 

OK here goes.

 

A few times, she wasn't home at a respectable time from these nights out.

I let here know that I get worried for her saftey, etc. I was never accusatory, not put my foot down and said "Do not go out"

6-9 months later and she goes out every Wednesday to sing Kareoke. She may also go out other nights as well.

When she is late, she says it is because of a freind drama that night or just hanging out with her girlfriends.

All I have asked for is it if she will be out too late, she should call me so I can no worry.

We have always communicated pretty well, and I trusted her the whole time.

 

Note: Here too best freinds had/having affairs and are getting devorsed currently. My wife shared that information with her best friend, Me.

 

One day she forgot her phone and she got a text message from a guy at the bar that was a little too personal for me. I called the freind she was with and had her come home.

We talked (and I talked to the guy) . He was hitting on her and that was all. We still had a big blowup because this guy should have never had her number.

 

1 months later. She still goes out. One day she let's me know that she doesn't know if we should stay married. She may have married too early. She never lived on here own. She needs more attention.

 

1 more month later,I noticed on here phone that she had called a guy named Eric.

I asked and she said they are "just friends". I again expressed my view that that should never even happen accidentally.

When I see a pretty woman walk by, I turn my head away. I am married.

I of course have started being sneaky. I checked her email and she had sent some pictures of herself to the same guy.

One email said "thinking of you"

 

I brought this up and she very calmy stated that he "IS" just a friend, BUT, she did tell me knat she didn't know what she wanted anymore. We had a healthy conversation about our feelings. My take was that I am not very romantic (which IS true) and she is always upset about somthing at the house, either kids, a conflict with me, housework etc. She doesnt see our home as a happy place. I explained that we should work on our problems and not desty what we have so that she can HOPE everything ends up better.

We agreed that if it does end, we would still be freinds. (We are still eachother's best friends)

She still says that she Loves me. She said that she needed some space to figure herself out. I made clear that space doesn't include dating other people. (I won't even go for that durring a seperation) Finacially, we can not afford two places, So I am still home.

I gave her two rules if she wanted to keep our marriage alive: call me if she will be late and no more flirting. (to get attention)

I began working on the only discused Item I could control, Romance, and attention.

 

I wrote poems, made collages or her pictures, was more attentive. I planned a date (read "I Planned") for us and we had a great time. We had the most passionate lovemaking ever that same night. We really bonded, and I thought that I was definalty making things better. and best yet, I was HAPPY trying to make here HAPPY.

 

The next day I helped my wife get ready to start her first job in 4 years. (girl stuff house parties) I helped her fill her folders and pack her displays. She called at 11:30 to say that she was done. I asked how it went, it was great. She was going to meet the lady she worked with to see how to finalize the paper work and would be home after.

 

She came home at 4:00 am.

I asked here where she was, she was at a friends house whe needed to talk.

I asked here why she didn't call and she said she thought I would be sleeping. I reminded here of here promise to call me and expresed my dissapointment. I went back to the couch.

I decided to check here cell phone because I have a hard time trusting here recently. There was a woman's name I didn't recognize on the phone. For the hell of it, I called it. It was the voice mail of "Eric".

I woke here up and confronted her. she said that she called him while driving. I reminded her of her promise she made to me about not calling him again.

 

I left for the night and slept in the car.

 

I called here in the moring and asked here to keep the kids down stairs when I came home to pack. ( I wasn't going to let here turn this arround again. She needs to prioritize things). I said I will move out and that she can happy with HER choice.

She broke down. She was more open than before and can't figure out why she needs the outside attention. She pleaded for me to believe that she did not cheat. (physically) She then reminded me of the request for "space".

 

I agreed to stay home and give here her space.

I told here that I will hold here accountable to the previous requests and add one. She must she a thereipist to help here figure out what she want before she ruins what she has.

 

Am I a sucker?

I feel so used and uneffective. I had so much fun trying to be romantic, and now I have to try to give her SPACE.

Do I just ride this out and see how it ends?

Do I have any control?

 

I have never been here before.

 

Steve

[Arabess]

To be honest.....I think she is possibly planning to leave you (as per new job)....but since you caught her in a bad situation....she needs to cover her tracks so as to not lose everything...including her kids....in a divorce. That's what I think.

[Winnie]

Steve -

 

At this time , I am your wife.....I am doing the EXACT same thing to my husband. I go out until 4:30 AM, have met other men, and have new girlfriends. I think this is why I do it. I am in my 30's and was married 2 years ago. In that time period, I moved to 3 major cities, gave up 2 incredible jobs, which could have led to a successful career, and put on about 35 pounds.

 

I gave up everything to be with my husband because I loved him. I feel like I sacrificed everything, and he gave nothing. Turns out, in 2 years, we have had sex 5 times, he works non-stop, does not want kids, and does whatever he wants. Granted he has provided a great live for us, and I feel blessed, but to have my husband ignore me, not pay attention, or not even acknowledge anything I do for him is a bit much. I needed to seek it elsewhere. I have since lost about 18 pounds, and my husband still has not noticed, although every single time with go out, and he leaves to use the restroom, another gentleman will sit down to talk to me. I can't win! I am very easy going, and never care when my husband wants to fly to different cities to see a baseball or football game. I enjoy seeing him happy.

 

Like your wife, I have "friends". I have an "Eric" also, but today I cut it off, because I want to have an affair with my husband. Not with anyone else. Did I kiss my Eric? Yes, I did. Did I send him love letters? Of course. Did I consider leaving my husband for him? Yes, daily. Did I fall in love with him? I'm not sure....I may have, but it doesn't seem real. He fell in love with me, and I don't feel the same way....I had to cut it off before I bit off more then I could chew. I'm 5'7" and am curvy, yet my husband detests my shape. According to him, every man wants a trophy in bed, and unless I get to the gym more, he is not attracted to me. He needs to be attracted visually.

 

Are you doing those things to your wife? Can you think of a reason, why she would go elsewhere? My husband puts the breaks on my going out. I never call him, and come home early in the morning. We have a huge fight, and then I do it again. It's because he doesn't pay ANY attention to me. I can't call him at work, I don't know any of his friends (we have been together for 7 years). We go to parties on our own.....so it leaves me to believe that he is embarrassed about me.

 

Have you caught yourself doing any of these things with your wife?

 

I'm on the verge of leaving him. In fact I took a "break" for 3 weeks to visit my family to re-group and get my head on straight. Today is our 2 year anniversary and we are not together......

 

Just reflect on what you have done over the last few years.....and see if there is a pattern....

 

Best of luck to you...actually I think we both need it....

 

W

[steveb]

I do wish you good luck.

 

speaking of attention and weight.

 

I have always had compliments for my wife.

I don't think her self esteem would let her beleive my comments as she would usually say I was wrong.

 

Since our kids were born my wife das gained weight.

She would have trouble being intimate with me because of it, even when I still complimented her.

 

Kicker:

 

10 months ago, she had bariatric surgery and has lost 100 pounds.

She is now 150 lbs. at 5'10" tall. Quite skinny, on the verge of too skinny.

naturally, she found something else to be upset about. Her now saggy breasts.

 

She again would have trouble being intimate with me because of it, even when I still complimented her.

She wanted an augentation. I agreed because of her not liking herself.

She now has very perky, yet natural (they filled the skin she already had) "D" cups.

 

You can emagine what she looks like now. like a victorias secret model.

 

She still has issues with her belly skin, but I am sure I'll pay for that as well, for the same reasons, her self esteem.

 

So, yes, as you, when she goes out with her freinds, she is a target of other men.

I know any male freind she makes at the bar, originally talked to her to pick her up.

 

I loved her regardless of her size, and she took it for granted. Not she is getting more attention from others and she accepts it, she never accepted my attention.

 

Good Note:

When I agreed to stay, I told her she had to see a couselor to help her with her depression, anxiety and her need (addiction) to go out. I figured if I am going to be a sucker, I will at least have some things on my terms.

If she didn't call yesterday I was going to leave.

Well, she made the appointment and is going on wednesday. ( I am glad it wasn't 3 weeks off)

I did warn her of the caounselers I have head of that have their own feminist, you don't need men, agenda.

She warned that when she goes to couceling, she doesn't know what the outcome will be.

She says she doesn't know why she "Needs" to go out.

 

She says she is going to try though.

I have explained the trust issue.

 

Her appointment is wednesday, which is her Kareoke night.

 

Sorry for the long posts. I am thankfull I found this site. Just writing what I think helps put it into perspective better. Even if you guys didn't reply, I still feel better.

[steveb]

To continue to answer you question: (I seem to have drifted)

 

I have always helped with the housework and have given her compliments.

I have always been attentive in bed. (She always will have at least 2 "O"s)

 

I have dropped the ball on romance. I must have had it at one time, I wrote her poems when we met and such.

She also had mentioned little things, like buying christmas presents for the kids. ( she always does it )

 

We have not seperated mainly because of kids and space.

If not for the kids or my inability to take 3 weeks off of work, I think she should go to her mom's and think if she needs to.

 

Anyway. I pointed out last night that I need some rules agreed on. That I do not know where the bounderies are if she wants "space" but we live together.

 

She no longer wants space. She wants us to document and agree on limitations and desires. (this is great)

She said that when I started being romantic again, that it was too much and that it is confusing her more.

 

Hopefully, it let her know how I feel enough to have her not want her space. I am still confused about how much romance/attention she wants/can take.

 

 

thanks again.

[Winnie]

Steve -

 

It sounds as though you are such a caring man. God, I never needed to lose 100 pounds. In fact, I was a born athlete, but gained weight out of being lonely, leaving my job, friends and family. I don't have any children.

 

In fact, I was practically begging my husband for intimacy. Women also have high drives. Honestly, I'm not that overweight at all. I know what overweight is, and 15 pounds isn't anything to cry about. I'll get it off, but it will be slow. My husband is very type A. Very successful, expensive taste, and frowns upon others who are not like that. I'm not like that...in fact I don't know why he married me. I'm from the opposite coast, I volunteer, love to travel, and have a more liberal view of the world. Maybe it's the age.

 

I'm sorry to ramble, but it feels good to come to terms with this. Sounds like your wife is re-inventing herself, and trying to get her self esteem back. The only thing is, there isn't another one of you out there for her. You have children together, and that says a lot. Maybe she is going through a selfish stage.....but what about you? It sounds like you are trying, but do you want to sit back on the sidelines? Have you flat out asked your wife, what does she want? What will make her happy?

 

I am going through a selfish stage. I have to because if I stay at home, my self esteem will be shot, and I will feel like crawling under a rock. Right now, I feel as good looking as pile of rocks. Funny, my friends call me the "Antique Roadshow" because they tell me I have no idea how beautiful I am. I don't know. I feel like men look at me like my husband. I have been seeing a psychiatrist, to try and find out what I can do to help, and my husband won't go for fear of having his company see on his insurance claim that he went to one. So, I go alone.

 

It's also funny, because every single time I go out at night, I ask my husband if he would like to join me. I want him to be there, but he doesn't want to therefore, I talk to those that are interested in me.

 

I'm in my early 30's, and life should be sexless, or loveless. I don't believe in ugly people, but only unconditional love. So, this weight thing is a crock of *@%!.

 

Did I digress? I'm sorry......but it feels good to vent. It's been so long! My family is trying to get me to leave, but I feel as though I failed if I did. I can't help but try.

 

Do you want to stay with your wife? If so, why? What are the reasons? Romance comes and goes....it really does....poetry is nice, but sometimes a day at the spa is great, or a weekend away from home together alone is even better.

 

I know what I miss is that kiss when you first meet. The fireworks that go off. I haven't kissed my husband like that in years.....which leads me to others that WANT to do that.

 

Isn't that sad?

[steveb]

Things I have learned:

 

Regarless of what made you a couple or in love, it must be regularly maintained, or it will change.

Change may be good, but not if do not know it is happening.

Depression is rampant in our society, and one person's depression can drag everyone arround them down.

Communication of your feelings early on can save so much greif.

 

The way I found out where my wife is in our relationship hurt me and damaged us.

I know so much more about what she needs today than I did last week.

 

Have you let your husband know your "needs"? (hint: start small or one thing at a time and do not let the conversation become combative. When my wife finally opened up, I was overwhelmed)

It resolved nothing. I still have the same fears and concerns about her potential actions, but things are so much clearer and more civil.

 

I do not really have any advise. I am pretty messed up inside. But I know he can not address your needs until he is aware of them. You seem to be aware of his wants, but I have to wonder if his complaints are the real issue, or just something easily said. I can not believe that any one can fall out of love because of body shape. As him if he has other issues or if he and you can write all of your issues down. (reserving the right to add to the list later) Then read them without a discussion. Avoid the conflict. they never improve the situation. I know this for sure.

 

My wife and I are going to set some rules (on paper) in the style of a "controlled" seperation, but we are not seperating. (at this point)

[SoleMate]

Steveb, you sound like one amazing fella. You manage to walk the line of loving her unconditionally yet not letting her use you. You don't take your disagreements into the gutter. You are perceptive and proactive about the issues between the two of you. There are many women out there who would want someone like you - however, I understand your point, you have a wife already and she's the one you want.

 

Are you sure this "lack of romance" is a real issue? Is your wife seriously saying she needs more cards and poems? If she's anything like me, what she wants is hugs, kisses, caring and frequent sex, smiles, laughter, fair share of the house and kids workload, and someone interesting and fun to talk to, and for her to lavish her adoration on.

 

You sound like 1 guy in 1000. I hope that things will work out for you.

[steveb]

I beleive that the kid workload is a big issue as well.

I work 55 hours a week. (on salary )

Sometimes I come home thinking of her, but she is already upset about somthing when I get home. That is a quick down hill ride for me.

 

I think I have started doing all I can do and have to wait and see if the counceling helps her.

 

I don't think she "needs" cards and poems.

We need more to talk about.

I work and she has the kids. that amounts to a 5 minute conversation.

 

I think one thing that would help is double dates. This give people something to talk about, while we are together. We can hear eachother tell the other people things that we already know and do not need to tell eachother.

I need to find some people at work to go out with them and their wives.

The catch is that my friend pool is empty. I think that that bothers my wife as well.

So I need to work on being more outgoing away from my wife as well.

 

PS. thanks for the nice comment. It made my day.

[steveb]

Well things have been very civil around the house.

My wife went to her first counseler's visit today.

He said she had depression, but she must see an MD for a prescription.

She is doing that on Monday.

 

I am still trying to be optimistic, but:

 

She still went to Kareke tonight.

I am still in fear of what she is actually doing.

She became angry at me for no good reason before she left. (this is a pattern)

 

I wonder if she gets angry before she leaves so that going out feels better.

If she didn't get angry she might realize what she is doing and she is not going to let herself do that.

 

My Mother in law is in town, so she is watching the kids.

I came to work to keep busy. (there is nothing like having the whole building to myself)

 

Irony:

I do not want to go to the Kareoke bar, so as to not betray her trust.

But, I currently have no trust in her for good reason.

It is just that "I" do not want to be the cause of the problem.

 

It is 1:16 am here.

 

Will she be home by 2:00???

Am I crossing her mind at all??

 

My soul hurts.

[steveb]

Well, I am back at work tonight.

It is hard to be in the house with her today because she still went out last night.

 

I have yet to see her make any attempt at the realtionship.

She started to see a counceler, but I fear I can not wait for the outcome.

 

This Limbo things is driving me nuts.

[steveb]

I went out last night and got drunk. (first time in years)

I just sat there by myself and thought.

 

I ended up calling one of her girlfriends to talk about my wife.

She was very understanding and gave me a lot of insight that I was not getting directly from my wife.

 

I made one very BIG realization on that 2 hour phone call.

 

All of my pain in the last 2 weeks has been self generated out of mistrust.

My loss of trust for her has overwhlmed me to the point that if she is not standing in front of me, I worry.

 

I have decided to trust her. I know this is a faith issue, as the real trust needs to grow on its own.

But when in doubt, I will trust her.

 

I believe that this is the only way to not go crazy and cause further damage to the relationship.

 

Hopefully this is the right choice. Hopefully I will not be proven a sucker.

But I would rather be a little happier now and suprized later, rather than be miserable for the whole duration.