when you miss her...

[gordon_gc]

how do you do when you miss her being away ? It really gets to me and I get extremely anxious and sad even thought I know she misses me as well (at least, that's what she says). But yeah, you get my point.

 

And why am i feeling so attached and sad ? I keep busy, hang out with friends, have fun and all but she is still at the back of my mind !

[carvidep]

I'm no expert on how guys' minds work, but if I'm not mistaken, I think you're falling hard for this girl, and there is nothing wrong with that.

[lillymountain]

i feel the same, but just the other way round...

and it's quite likely, that she feels like you do...

if she says she misses you, there is no reason not to believe it.

it's just hard sometimes not to get the reassurance you would get automatically through non verbal comunication every day.

[gordon_gc]

well,

 

I sorta want to believe it but at the same time, I'm always the one initiating nice things to say. I know she is busy and that her family and friends have a deep impact on her and the way she sees our relationship (they wouldn't agree as they are from a totally different background) but it's just so hard waiting for her to be back.

 

I always have at the back of my mind that 'insecure' way of thinking that make me think she won't want me when she'll be back.

[lillymountain]

why are you so insecure about yourself?

if she doesn't initiate nice things to say, just wait an see, maybe she doesn't cause she simply doesn't have to....'cause you do it anyways.

 

[pinkstar]

Well, when you say you miss her...it means, you didn't talk to her for a while. Anyways, I am a girl and I think she is suffering as I am...It's really awful to be apart from some one and thinks he may feel some thing but he never says anything or shows up and just keep himself busy with his normal fun as you said, hanging out with friends or sth like that. Im sorry I do not want to judge you, but as you do know, girls are full of feelings and true feelings...if she said she missed you it means she loves you more than you ever think.

[gordon_gc]

I feel insecure because of past experiences that turned out bad from the point the girl was slightly distant.

 

Now, when I say I keep busy with friends, ect... it's mainly to take some pressure off her. When she was around, we were a lot together and she might, at time, have been feeling suffocating by me being a "nice guy". I've just been trying to show her i'm not totally clinging onto her and that i won't put my life on hold just because she is away...it would simply be freaky. Also, don't get me wrong, me being with my friend and all doesn't mean I'm flirting or whatever, I have a lot of respect for her, my feeling and what we have and it would never cross my mind !

[gordon_gc]

I heard insecurity sometime comes when we feel the other person is not totally there or at least, where we would like her/him to be. By saying where, I mean emotionally, ect...

[lillymountain]

I heard insecurity sometime comes when we feel the other person is not totally there or at least, where we would like her/him to be. By saying where, I mean emotionally, ect...

 

 

 

that migth be true in some cases.

 

but insecurity comes a lot from you, as well.

how much self esteem you have, your past experiences,...and sometimes being insecure can even be "unfair" if you were hurt a lot in the past and now you try to cope with your past experiences in a current relation.

 

it's hard to tell what's up in your relation and if she actually feels less than you or if you are just afraid of being hurt (again).

[gordon_gc]

well,

 

I'm seeing a spychologist at the moment and it seems most of it come from a really low self esteem developed in childhood...something i need to work on so i can be happier.

 

Until then, I have been adviced to cut all contacts til she comes back and this for 2 reasons:

 

- i've been initiating all the contacts so far and she always responded cold. By cutting contacts, I show that I'm now sick of it and might have moved leaving her wondering if she should have been nicer or not.

 

- by not getting the warm replies i expect, i set myself for disapointment and create negatives feelings that make my day goes to waste.

 

I have to be patient because there is nothing I can control in that situation. She is pressured by her environement back home and nothing i'll say or do will solve that situation. The only problem is that it doesnt help the self esteem to see she decides to choose her family (which she won't live with) to me.

[gordon_gc]

Are you sure that you aren't interpreting her response as "cold"? Maybe it's just not quite the response you were hoping for and so your insecurity kicks in and tells you something is "off" or that she is being cold.

 

Well,

I had the same issue with her a couple of weeks ago when she was away for a few days and as you said, she mentioned it was all in my head and I had nothing to worry about. But, then, I know there is something different. When I send a nice message with little things we usually say to eachothers ('hi sweetie' , 'miss you' , 'hugsnkisses') and all i get is ...... well, NOTHING, I have right to believe something is different and colder than usual. I'm not saying she doesn't think of me or miss me but indeed, she doesn't express it as she would usually.

 

Well, it's silly but it affects me so i have to protect me for a bit until I learn to learn how to deal with this. I have now put my facebook (bloody facebook, why do you exist !!!? :-)) to "I'm off for a week. text or call if urgent"

[Island Girl]

well,

 

I'm seeing a spychologist at the moment and it seems most of it come from a really low self esteem developed in childhood...something i need to work on so i can be happier.

 

Until then, I have been adviced to cut all contacts til she comes back and this for 2 reasons:

 

- i've been initiating all the contacts so far and she always responded cold. By cutting contacts, I show that I'm now sick of it and might have moved leaving her wondering if she should have been nicer or not.

 

- by not getting the warm replies i expect, i set myself for disapointment and create negatives feelings that make my day goes to waste.

 

I have to be patient because there is nothing I can control in that situation. She is pressured by her environement back home and nothing i'll say or do will solve that situation. The only problem is that it doesnt help the self esteem to see she decides to choose her family (which she won't live with) to me.

 

You have been given very very good advice here.

 

Especially having a "set up" for negative reinforcement (it is so very common).

 

You must get to the point where you love yourself regardless of anyone else. You embrace yourself and your life no matter if the other person does or not. And that you are with that person because you want to be not because you have to be.

 

If you are treated badly then you need to be able to voice it and seek to have it addressed. And if it isn't addressed then you move on and CAN freely without looking back, clinging, or feeling desperate to hold on to someone who isn't over the moon to be with you.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[Angel1111]

I feel insecure because of past experiences that turned out bad from the point the girl was slightly distant.

 

Now, when I say I keep busy with friends, ect... it's mainly to take some pressure off her. When she was around, we were a lot together and she might, at time, have been feeling suffocating by me being a "nice guy". I've just been trying to show her i'm not totally clinging onto her and that i won't put my life on hold just because she is away...it would simply be freaky. Also, don't get me wrong, me being with my friend and all doesn't mean I'm flirting or whatever, I have a lot of respect for her, my feeling and what we have and it would never cross my mind !

 

This 'nice guy' term really gets to me. Women don't walk away from men because they're nice guys. They walk away because the guy has no backbone or self-esteem. Don't cop out and call that being a nice guy. This girl needs for you to be the strong one and if you can't be strong around her, then she will sense it and feel pressured. There's a difference between love and neediness and if you project neediness, she'll become distant and eventually leave.

 

The reason you're insecure about her is because you probably know that you're travelling down the same road that you've been down before. It's my guess that you're doing something to push women away by being too possessive. If you can relax and enjoy the relationship, she'l be able to relax and have fun with you. If you can't lighten up, you're going to lose her.

[Island Girl]

Hey OP - a few of the men here have been posting about a book that helped them when they were in your shoes. It's called No More Mr. Nice Guy ( http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/ )

 

Apparently it has helped them recognize their own patterns of behavior and make changes.

 

If you were a girl I'd recommend "He Just Not That Into You" but this book may be the equivalent for men.

 

There is even an online assessment -- if you take it BE HONEST with the answers.

 

I wish you the best.

[Thebob]

dude it sucks, I am finally getting over it right now. There is no way to not think about it. I just told my girl that we should slow down the convos and not do them as often because then I think about her more and it affects everyday life.

[Island Girl]

Can you expand on this IG?

 

For instance - a very dear friend of mine was going through a particularly rough moment. She turned to her SO for support and was hurt because he didn't provide what she needed at that time.

 

But he was busy and she knew he would be at that time. So he couldn't give her the attention she needed and couldn't be supportive in the way she needed at that time.

 

So she was feeling bad and then felt neglected and hurt by his lack of empathy and support when she reached out to him -- even though she knew he couldn't give it to her then.

 

She was reaching out because she was feeling insecure but at a time when she KNEW he couldn't provide it.

So she set herself up to have the negative feelings of being alone and neglected (insecurity) reinforced because of her timing.

 

Does that make sense?

[gordon_gc]

For instance - a very dear friend of mine was going through a particularly rough moment. She turned to her SO for support and was hurt because he didn't provide what she needed at that time.

 

But he was busy and she knew he would be at that time. So he couldn't give her the attention she needed and couldn't be supportive in the way she needed at that time.

 

So she was feeling bad and then felt neglected and hurt by his lack of empathy and support when she reached out to him -- even though she knew he couldn't give it to her then.

 

She was reaching out because she was feeling insecure but at a time when she KNEW he couldn't provide it.

So she set herself up to have the negative feelings of being alone and neglected (insecurity) reinforced because of her timing.

 

Does that make sense?

 

exactly what is happening to me. I think it comes from a major insecurities issue and when we do this, subconscionsly, it's a way to test the other people when we perfectly know we expect too much !

[gordon_gc]

This 'nice guy' term really gets to me. Women don't walk away from men because they're nice guys. They walk away because the guy has no backbone or self-esteem. Don't cop out and call that being a nice guy. This girl needs for you to be the strong one and if you can't be strong around her, then she will sense it and feel pressured. There's a difference between love and neediness and if you project neediness, she'll become distant and eventually leave.

 

The reason you're insecure about her is because you probably know that you're travelling down the same road that you've been down before. It's my guess that you're doing something to push women away by being too possessive. If you can relax and enjoy the relationship, she'l be able to relax and have fun with you. If you can't lighten up, you're going to lose her.

 

I'd like to say thank for that post. You are true. I need to be strong and independant and I've forgotten this along the way. I have definitely projected neediness. Well, part of the reasons for this is plain simple. I had a lot of ressentment regarding my past breakup (4yrs ago tho !!!) and always took the breakup personnaly when indeed, it was her who was not ok. I've now learn to let it go and it feels great. I have accepted it wasn't me. I have accepted I'm not responsible. I have learn to be a stronger man with all his qualities and his defaults.

I know i'll have setbacks but so far, so good !!!!

[gordon_gc]

I know i'll have setbacks but so far, so good !!!!

 

It's happening to me now ! I'm feeling so anxious again ... :-(

 

Why ? Why ?

[gordon_gc]

For me it was much worse a year ago when I was looking for a job. I had way too much time on my had to contemplate my relationship and worry about every little thing. I am now busy at work 40+ hours per week and that has helped immensely. Do you work full time? What about hobbies? Exercising at a gym? You can meet some cool people there People on LS would tell me the same stuff and I know it feels like those things wont work, but the truth is you have to stay busy and have a fulfilling life without her in order to keep your sanity on any relationship, ya know?

 

Have you talked to her lately, even via text? What was the last conversation like?

 

well, i have my own business and to be honest, I make descent money without having to work a lot of hours. Hence, I have a lot of time in my hand and yes, I do think a lot about a lot of things. I do go to the gym, try to fill my day by doing things here and there, catching up with friends but i still think of her for some reasons. The last few weeks, I have learnt a lot about myself. I have a more balanced life than I used to have when she was around. It's silly but i've learnt to live MY life and i think i'm still in the learning process.

 

Last time I talk to her was on tuesday and overall, it was really cold. I think I feel just really anxious because i know she will be back in 48h and all the questions will be answered.