How to end an affair

[mourningMM]

Other Men, Other Women, Betrayed Spouses, Affair....

Some end with happily ever after for someone. Others end with sadness all around.

 

I think it would be interesting and helpful to have a thread where we all share what we've learned about the end.

 

Some good, some bad.

 

With a title like this, many lost people out there might find our wisdom, and benefit from what we've learned. Or maybe they will help us learn what we don't yet know.

 

So...tell us what does it mean to you for an affair to end well...

 

I know for some it will be for the marriage to heal.

For others it will be for the marriage to fail, and for the affair to morph into a new union.

For even others, it will be for the affair to never be uncovered.

 

Let's try to NOT comment on each other's opinions. That might start a "religious war" jThis is a place of support, let's keep it that way.

 

Let's make this helpful I was thinking that the pearls of wisdom thread is not very findable to people in need.

[ednadean]

I can only offer advice for ending an EA.

 

The key with ending an EA --- IMO is not going NC. I think that adds too much intensity to the situation and added drama. Also -- when you're REALLY missing someone and know you can't talk to them or communicate with them -- that creates an obsession which can really get out of hand and make you do stupid things.

 

THe key is lower-frequency SOBER encounters where you just talk as friends and let things fizzle out naturally. If he's a good man, he'll probably be quite keen to refocus on his marriage and you can end up being very close friends.

 

That's how I ended my EA though. It's still hard and it still hurts -- but I just found NC didn't work for us, only made it worse.

 

AND you WILL come out the the other side.

 

DISCLAIMER: not sure if this approach works with an A that's gone physical.

[tami-chan]

I learned that LOVE is not enough. Sounds good in a song but does not work in real life.

[mourningMM]

Thank you Lovely, tami-chan, and ednadean. Let's also point people to the pearls of wisdom thread that might give more help:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t199775/

 

I'm looking back at my own responses from the past four years and consolidating my own list. I'll try to post it soon.

 

Great responses in the first few hours...let's keep them coming. Sharing without blame. Accepting everyone's perspective, and realizing that the truth has many different facets.

[ednadean]

 

The best way to end an affair is before it begins... and to begin with one's life in a serious manner, in the light of truth and respect for our own life and the lives of others.

 

 

 

 

well said.

[Confused4Now]

Living in truth would preclude betrayal. In all honesty, I believe that we we do to others we have really done to ourselves. When we cheat someone we become a cheater. When we steal we become a thief. When we kill we become a murderer.

 

In the wake of all of this 'becoming' we trample over the lives of others as if they are necessary collateral damage in the pursuit of our own drama.

 

If we lived in truth we wouldn't want to hurt anyone, we wouldn't want to trivialize what someone else will have to live through, we wouldn't want to bring disgrace to our lives and the lives of others. Because in so doing, we have become the thing we have done.

 

Others become ways we play out our drama. And their independent worth reduced to only their relative importance to our end game.

 

IMO to live in truth one would not live a marriage based on no love or lies. Either it would be remedied or moved beyond. Finding someone to go to before you finish with another is cowardice and better left for when there are no promises to be broken.

 

The best way to end an affair is before it begins... and to begin with one's life in a serious manner, in the light of truth and respect for our own life and the lives of others.

 

We should strive to be better people at all times and to extend compassion to others. Living in truth, in responsibility, in honesty.

Wow I couldn't have said it better....and ultimately that's what's it about....Truth and respect. Amen to that!!!

[GreenEyedLady]

Best way to end an A:

 

On your own terms.

 

GEL

[LucreziaBorgia]

The times I've ended them have had to be complete 'no contact'. Staying in touch never works, and hurts you both in different ways. If you end, you have to END and never look back.

[mourningMM]

Thank you Confused4Now, Green Eyed Lady, and LucreziaBorgia for sharing even more.

 

I've read back through the threads, and realize that a "newbie" will need to have a translation key. And I realize that I may not even know the right translations! As we continue let's start defining them.

 

*Affair (A) Emotional Affair (EA) Physical Affair (PA) - varieties of affairs

*Other People (OP) Other Man (OM) Other Woman(OW) - one partner in an affair.

*Married Person (MP) Married Man (MM) Married Woman MW) - the other partner....the one in a committed relationship to someone. although I don't know what we call them if they aren't actually married but in a committed relationship.

*Betrayed Spouse (BS) Betrayed Wife (BW or W) Betrayed Husband (BH or H) - the person being cheated on.

*Signifcant Other (SO)

*Discovery Day (D-Day) - Day that the affair is found out by the betrayed.

*Single Guy (SG) Single Man(SM) Single Woman(SW) - An available alternative partner to the other people in an affair.

*Ex-spouse (EX) or (X) - Someone that either the Other Person or the Married person was divorced from.

*Ex-Married Man (xMM) j- The married man after the affair is over...there are many more posts about dealing with him after the affair than there are about ex-Married Women (xMW).

*No Contact (NC) - an approach to ending the affair.

 

And in the threads those of us who post frequently even abbreviate our own names! Imagine (or remember) the confusion for new people!

[grogster]

The times I've ended them have had to be complete 'no contact'. Staying in touch never works, and hurts you both in different ways. If you end, you have to END and never look back.

 

I agree completely with LB. You must completely cut that person out of your life, mind and soul.

 

Then carry on as if the AP never existed.

 

Move on.

 

It's an emotional root canal but it works.

[Devil Inside]

It's kind of hard to say that an A can end well...but there are definitely better ways it can end than others.

 

The triangle(s) that is/are created in an A are maddening and soul draining. For an A to end well the triangle should be destroyed as soon as possible and decisions made for all involved.

 

If this triangle can be broken before a DDay I think it is best...like GEL said...on their own terms.

 

Whatever comes out of the situation...and who is involved with who afterward...it is best if all people are able to leave the situation knowing the reality of what happened...able to heal...and then move on.

[Ladyblue]

I can only offer advice for ending an EA.

 

The key with ending an EA --- IMO is not going NC. I think that adds too much intensity to the situation and added drama. Also -- when you're REALLY missing someone and know you can't talk to them or communicate with them -- that creates an obsession which can really get out of hand and make you do stupid things.

 

THe key is lower-frequency SOBER encounters where you just talk as friends and let things fizzle out naturally. If he's a good man, he'll probably be quite keen to refocus on his marriage and you can end up being very close friends.

 

Should I tell him what I am trying to do, or just do it?

[ednadean]

Should I tell him what I am trying to do, or just do it?

 

I would just see how you go by doing it without telling first. Take a little longer to respond to his emails. If he calls you, don't answer all his calls all the time and keep the conversations a little briefer. Tell him about the fact that you're going on casual dates with people. All to establish that distance. You'll probably see him pull away slowly -- try not to see him all the time. Keep your same demeanour when you're around him though -- to make it clear that you're not angry or anything dramatic like that [the key is not to inspire drama...that gets out of hand].

 

If he asks you pointe blank then you can talk about it calmly and just say you think maybe it's good to just hang out with each other as friends. As jumpinjimmy has said -- most men are really into getting PA -- so if the PA bit ceases they'll lose interest pretty quickly. The whole friends thing for the most part is a farce

 

Let us know how you go. This kind of thing IMO works best with an EA -- because I think with an EA, you're generally both in denial about what kind of a relationship it is. I think you can convince yourselves that it's just friendship, even when it isn't.

 

hang in there. trust me, you'll move on in time.

[HUFI]

I learned that LOVE is not enough. Sounds good in a song but does not work in real life.

 

As a WS who ended his affair with a OW (who was also a BS in her own marriage) and now has to deal with my own BS, the question I have to ask is this, is there any way to end an affair without at least one of the triangle not hurting?

 

Stay in the affair and the BS is hurt and if you end the affair, then its apparent that at least one of the two affair partners ends up hurting.

 

It would be nice to say that i bowed out of my affair graciously but thats a lie. I went NC and the NC letter was curt and brief and probably hurt the OW. Yet it was done in a manner desgined to reduce the pain for my BS and ultimately me. Gracious it wasn't but ending it was the only option and so, hard decisions had to be made.

 

A end to an affair is always messy. Always. I firmly belive that all EA and 99% of PA have some emotional connection and you just can't rip them apart without someone shedding tears the next day.

 

So, the only way to have a good ending is to not have one at all, which in hindsight, is what we all have learnt to some degree.

[ladydesigner]

I believe the A's where there truly was LOVE are the hardest to end or get over. I think any kind of ending is a loss or mourning to someone whether that be the WS, OW/OM or, BS. I would compare the end of my A like a death and I am still grieving it.

[boldjack]

Best way to end an affair?...........Quickly and completely.

[mourningMM]

is there any way to end an affair without at least one of the triangle not hurting?

 

I believe there is a difference between feeling sad, nostalgic and depressed (hurting) and being hurt.

 

Who am I? I'm a betrayed spouse who was left. My ex-husband married his affair partner. I am also a single affair partner whose affair ended well. My married man died after our affair ended. In addition, I have successfully avoided a number of emotional affairs (I seem to attract married men...still trying to figure out that one). I date, but right now I'm not in a significant relationship.

 

I think that if it is possible for the affair partners to be completely honest with themselves, and with each other...and get appropriate counseling...that they can resolve some of their own issues in an affair.

 

Then, at some level, the affair will serve no further useful purpose, and they will realize that the harm caused by the lies is most of all a harm they are doing to their own souls.

 

At that point, both affair partners have the ability to make a choice to agree to end the affair.

 

If one partner does the work, then the affair will be as unbalanced as the marriage that sprouted an affair.

 

In my past, I needed the MM's attention and affection to rebuild my self-confidence. Feel free to read my own past posts. I'm neither proud of the decision to be in an affair, nor embarassed by it. It was a life preserver and I was drowning. I needed the energy and love he gave me.

 

He needed to be a "white knight" saving a damsel in distress...and avoiding the issues in his own marriage. He needed to be the focus of energy and have a sexual relationship that was fullfilling.

 

We never lied to ourselves about the adultery...and the lack of respect it showed for eachother and his spouse. But we let ourselves make the choice to be selfish.

 

Then we grew out of it, and after a few years of trial and error, we ended it with a mutual NC choice.

 

We ended it by making a choice and being respectful...and preparing for the the aftermath.

 

RESPECT for each other's feelings, acceptance of responsibility, communication of intent, and appology for the pain that might follow is part of what can end an affair well.

 

PREPARATION where the affair partners lay everything on the table. They set up a support group (friends, family, even LoveShack) to help them take care of themselves. This is particularly important one of the affair parnters is single. That person NEEDS to have time to mourn and a schedule busy with fun healthy distractions...things like work, or vacations, or spa treatments...events that will feed the soul and prepare the body and mind for a future relationship that is more complete.

 

FOCUS for the married partner making the choice redirect the energy and attention from the affair into the relationship that they have. They also need time to mourn, but the married partner needs to make choices that will makethe marriage stronger and healtier. OR the married partner needs to make a choice that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE AFFAIR. If the marriage is broken beyond repair, then the married partner must be honest and respectful to the spouse and end the marriage. But that is a choice that BOTH SPOUSES must agree upon to be healthy and healing. If the wandering spouse unilaterally makes the decision, then the damage to the betrayed spouse (and any children) will be massive, painful, and hard to repair. It may take GENERATIONS for the family to recover from the damage. I've heard it takes three generations to heal the impact of abandonment. Given my experiences I believe it.

 

An affair that never happens is an affair that ends well...yes I agree with that.

Next best case is an affair that ends before D-Day.

 

UNDERSTANDING. If there is a D-Day, the betrayed spouse needs to understand that the wandering spouse is making a choice and recommitting to the marriage by the decision to end the affair. And that the future saftey of the marriage depends on this decision that must be made of the wandering spouse's free will.

 

COMPASSION. People are involved in these triagles, people with feelings and rights. No one is completely blameless (spouse, married affair parnter, single affair partner) all play a role, and all feel the emotions and pain. But I believe that if there is respect, there is a possibility that the affair will result in everyone learning and growing and becoming a better version of themself.

 

But it is never without sadness, and loss.

 

I believe that every day is an opportunity to choose; and every choice can either grow two people together or apart.

 

This is my perspective...and I'm sure that there are more peole out here on LS who can offer other insights.

 

Let's continue this thread and keep the ball rolling.

[Jacky]

I learned that LOVE is not enough. Sounds good in a song but does not work in real life.

 

120% agree, doesn't just sounds good in a song. Also sounds good when she said "You don't need money, I think love is the most important thing. I don't mind living in the streets as long as I am with you."

When the MW wanted to break up and I questioned her about the phrase. "I meant what I said but everything is different when you have respondsibility."

 

When MW wants to break up, they will just make up crap and blame it on themselves and run away.

[mourningMM]

NO CONTACT is the only way for

 

• The affair partners to break their habit and possible addiction to each other
  
• The married partner to stay focused on the marriage
  
• The affair partners to focus on becoming healty and whole independent individuals.
  
• the ties to be broken...and the affair partners to have the freedom to choose a more healthy relationship.
  

 

My bias, that an affair is unhealthy because of the very things that make it an affair...the lies, the secrets, the danger, the passion for the forbidden.

 

My hope is that that everyone here on loveshack find a way to healthy happiness, in relationships that are honest, open, supporting and respectful.

[Devil Inside]

NO CONTACT is the only way for

 

• The affair partners to break their habit and possible addiction to each other
  
• The married partner to stay focused on the marriage
  
• The affair partners to focus on becoming healty and whole independent individuals.
  
• the ties to be broken...and the affair partners to have the freedom to choose a more healthy relationship.
  

 

My bias, that an affair is unhealthy because of the very things that make it an affair...the lies, the secrets, the danger, the passion for the forbidden.

 

My hope is that that everyone here on loveshack find a way to healthy happiness, in relationships that are honest, open, supporting and respectful.

 

I agree with everything you just said above.

[Samantha0905]

My single affair partner recently ended our affair. I had mentioned several times before it needed to end because I was starting to have panic attacks, felt guilty the entire time, etc. We discussed it by phone, he came by to visit, we hugged, cried, etc.

 

I have been living on my own in an apartment since June.

 

I know my husband deserves a wife who is 100% committed to loving him. We've been married 27 years and dated six before that. I definitely feel ashamed. I won't tell him. I know people have differing opinions whether someone should tell after an affair, but I won't put him through that pain -- and selfishly, I do not want his love for me to change. I will pray to God for forgiveness and move forward.

 

I know my ex-AP deserves a complete relationship and to be fully loved.

 

I loved him, but was never sure if i was completely in love -- and I suppose that's true about both my husband and my AP. I do know I don't want to cause any further hurt to my relationships with my husband and children (grown).

 

I will say that I'm glad we talked, hugged and told each other we love each other. I think it's beyond cruel just to cut someone completely off without any discussion after having shared an intimate relationship with them. And yes, I think it's cruel to have an affair period -- cruel to my spouse -- but I don't think continued cruelty is the solution, so I'm glad my affair partner and I chose to treat each other with love in the ending process.