mushmush Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I need to ask some simple advice on how to proceed with this one woman who I would really like to get to know better (than just being friends that is). I met her about a year and a half ago and have been in contact over facebook and emails. We finally managed to arrange a date after things feel into place with timing etc about 2 months ago.. We enjoy each others company, have alot in common and are very attacted to each other. Even though we like each and want to get to know each other better (we have told each other as much, she even told me she thinks she loves me via text) she has always been a bit distant. I asked her why she was distant and she told me that she had broke up with her boyfriend about 4 months ago but was still living with him.. I've done the same thing thinking you can maintain a friendship so know how messy that can be. We had a good talk and have been up front and honest with each other and she is not ready for anything more yet but still wants to see me without any pressure and even suggested our next date. (which I organised but then when it came to actually setting the date she became distant again) So how do I proceed on this one? Continue to be around and build up her confidence in me and being comfortable with me? Or just back off and let her call me, when she is ready.. I know if things are meant to be, they are meant to be but things also take time and effort.. p.s yes she really needs to move out of her bf place lol edit: oh yeah, im 31 and she is 28 so we are both on the same page in what we are looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Why is she still living with her ex? It's been 4 months, plenty of time for one of them to find a place and move out. I don't think you're going to get very far with her while she's living with him. I'd suggest backing off. Since you've been able to have honest discussions about this, have another one. Tell her you'd like to continue dating her, but her situation makes this awkward for you. Let her know that if she does resolve things with her bf and they stop living together, that you'd be interested in seeing her, but for now, it just doesn't seem to be a good time under the circumstances. And then back off. You'll find out how important it is for her to either continue living with him, or to continue seeing you. She may not be ready to fully let him go. Or, seeing that you aren't going to wait around might be the kick in the pants for her to realize she's wasting her time with her ex and living with him isn't allowing her to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mushmush Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 Yeah, wont get very far with her living with her ex and its not something I would get involved with.. Messy! I think its defacto or some such, she recently told me she might have to go back to slovak republic but now does not have to.... dont really know, dont feel like pushing for answers right now.. Will find out in good time. I do know that they are not romantically involved at all with each other anymore.. there is no question about that. Told her that I want to spend some more time with her once she gets her situation sorted out and to give me a call. Replied (and im paraphrasing, sp?) that this is something that she wants to do properly, no rush, no pressure and she would love to do our evening together and she would call when everything is sorted.. btw our evening together is me cooking dinner at my place with a couple of DVD's.. If its meant to be it's meant to be, but in the mean time i'm just continuing to live me life Link to post Share on other sites
Author mushmush Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 ok, another question.. How far do I back off?? I'm not asking her out at all, ball is in her court. a) Do I continue to remain friendly and contact her from time to time and keep the communication going and so build the attraction with a few quick one liners here and there? i.e tease her when im down at the beach and she is at work, or make a joke when our next date is going to happen? Is the attraction allready there?? I think so.. b) Or do I let her initiate all contact and perhaps put the thought in her head that there is a chance she might loose me.. Dont want to be a jerk, but dont want to be too much of a nice guy. God knows she has probably dealt with enough jerks and players in her time, and the reason she likes me is because i'm a nice guy and have built an attraction based on our values and who we are as people. I'm leaning towards option b with still an eye on option a. i.e my head says b my heart says a. I'm just not sure what to do. The communication is great atm so I dont want to loose that, but I dont want her to think i'm going to hang around for ever. Most important thing is that I continue to be myself but just need a push in the right direction Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Personally, I wouldn't think it too "funny" if someone "teased" that I'm at work and they're out having fun -- just seems a bit mean and tasteless, to me. And I'd prefer if he gave messages around, "I'm really looking forward to our next date! :love:" instead of, "When's it going to happen? :rolleyes:" Perhaps there is a financial reason that she needs a roommate? According to you, that's all her ex is to her at this point, so I'm not really getting the issue...unless it is that you don't trust her with him? I was in the same situation for a LONG time, and my current b/f never let my ex interfere with me/us building a new relationship. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him, and I very much appreciate how much love, trust, maturity, patience and vision went into it. If he had, at any point before *I* was ready, tried to influence my decision about my living arrangements, I pro'ly would have dumped him. (My ex was already a non-factor, so it wouldn't have been like I was "choosing" my ex...had already NOT chosen him except as a strictly platonic roommate.) For what any of that is worth Link to post Share on other sites
Author mushmush Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 good points ronnie. Bad examples of how i would tease her, pretty tasteless and immature i agree, was in a rush before work . What i meant was keep it light and funny. Already have something planned that will be much more to her liking. and much more along the lines of looking forward to our next date. I trust her and dont have a problem with her living with her ex. She is the one saying she is not ready for anything more yet and that is why i think things would get messy if i tried to move things along before she was ready. Getting back with her ex is a non issue, it's more she is not ready for a new relationship. All of which we have now talked about, dealt with and are moving forward at a speed we are both comfortable with. I've let her be the one to initiate when we next go on our date which she is very comfortable and happy with. Thanks for your input ronni and norajane. input and feedback has been very helpful. More i think about it, the more confident and happy i am in where this is headed. infact ronnie what you have said is exactly what i needed to hear and is the path that i wanted to take. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mushmush Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) ok so a bit of an update.. I'm pretty sure that a few things could have been done better, but when in the situation I made a decision and went with it. I was patient but things were not moving at a speed I was confortable with. Knowing I was not going anywhere, I was being to easy. Basically we were supposed to meet for lunch, (an idea which she initiated) but cancelled on me. Wont go into the reasons but that's when I made my decision. In a nutshell, I told her that I was not comfortable with the speed at which things were traveling, how at the moment I want more than she is ready to give and it's a good bye for now. Told her also that when she sorts her situation out and we can really start to get to know each other properly to give me a call... "then we can have our bbq chook" (our little joke about us going on dates) her reply was "fair enough", I still have not moved anywhere and dont want to hold you back.. that I'm a really really nice guy, but everything was really bad timing and she thinks I deserve the best. "dont eat to much bbq chook" I think i've done the right thing (hardest thing i've ever done), will be interesting to see where this goes as i know its not the end of it . Maybe I should not have used the words "good bye for now" but i could not have kept hanging around. It's unfortunate but she has to think I might find someone else as well. Ah well, 2 people that care about each other but just the wrong time. thats life Now im starting to have thoughts, Did I do the right thing??? Edited October 9, 2009 by mushmush Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Did I do the right thing??? In terms of standing up and speaking out for what you currently want and need, yes, you did do the right thing. As far as some type of (future) relationship with her...only time will tell. If you subscribe to theories about, and/or strive to "live in the 'NOW' of your own life", then you did the right thing...for you...for now. And maybe that is all that we all should be aiming for? Link to post Share on other sites
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