He's not well and it's so much harder...

[Island Girl]

Right now his mouth is swollen from a toothache and he went to the hospital today for antibiotics because the dentist isn't available until Monday.

 

He is still in a lot of pain so there's that. He also said the hospital said he has to have 5 teeth pulled. Which is really alarming to me and I am not sure how to make sure that is what they SHOULD do since in his country they just pull teeth instead of filling them or trying to save them.

 

I'm sure this is hard for him to take.

 

But then he goes on to tell me that the last couple of weeks he has been feeling weak and dizzy and he feels like he is dying.

I believe he is wrong. I think he has been watching his diet because of the Gout he has - which is great - but that he is not getting enough nutrition now.

He is a really big guy and he works out so I am convinced it is that he isn't eating enough of something (probably protein?).

 

But he is despondent. And that translates into him telling me to just leave him there because he is dying. That I shouldn't burden myself anymore because he really believes he is not long for this planet.

 

I know he is in pain and that he is getting stuck in his head just going around and around with how terrible he feels (worthless, weak, sick, etc).

 

But it is so very hard when he gets like this. -- It has happened a couple of times before but never this bad before.

 

I react completely differently to situations when they are bad for whatever reason. I never think of giving up on us or it all being over in whatever way. But he does.

And since I am 5600 miles away it is really hard to reach him in that dark place where he is right now. :(

 

I don't know if anyone out there has advice. Or if this will just end up being a rant.

[Trialbyfire]

((hugs))

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and concerned about your man. That he's so far away, just makes it so much more frustrating.

 

Did you see this 2009 study about gout and how Vitamin C supplements of over 1500 milligrams, can reduce the risk of gout attack by 45%?

 

http://www.nih.gov/news/research_matters/march2009/03162009gout.htm

[carvidep]

I'm so sorry IG. Poor guy!! Maybe you could send him something in the mail. I know you send him letters, but adding something to that might be an extra comfort to him and to let him know that you're not goin' anywhere.

[Island Girl]

((hugs))

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and concerned about your man. That he's so far away, just makes it so much more frustrating.

 

Did you see this 2009 study about gout and how Vitamin C supplements of over 1500 milligrams, can reduce the risk of gout attack by 45%?

 

http://www.nih.gov/news/research_matters/march2009/03162009gout.htm

 

Thanks TBF.

 

I hadn't seen that -- so thank you very VERY much.

 

He is now taking Tart Cherry Pills and those are supposed to deplete uric acid too. I'll have to send him some Vitamin C now too.

 

That is good news.

[Island Girl]

I'm so sorry IG. Poor guy!! Maybe you could send him something in the mail. I know you send him letters, but adding something to that might be an extra comfort to him and to let him know that you're not goin' anywhere.

 

The problem is that when he is like this he is pushing me away.

 

I can tell him over and over that I'm not going anywhere. It just gets really hard to do that when he is telling me that I should find someone else who can give my life meaning and then I can have someone now instead of waiting because he is dying anyway so we won't have long together.

 

Melodramatic? I think so. But is he serious? Yeah, right now I think so.

 

So I want to reach across the miles and hold him because of his pain, be strong for him because of his fear, and smack him in the back of his coconut head for even suggesting that we end our marriage or put me through this unnecessary crap.

 

It is really hard feeling all of those things at once all the while feeling how long and how far we're separated right now. That burden, which I carry every single damn day, is heavy enough. This on top of it feels like I just want to give up and crawl into a dark hole somewhere to be nothing and do nothing - forever.

[carvidep]

The problem is that when he is like this he is pushing me away.

 

I can tell him over and over that I'm not going anywhere. It just gets really hard to do that when he is telling me that I should find someone else who can give my life meaning and then I can have someone now instead of waiting because he is dying anyway so we won't have long together.

 

Melodramatic? I think so. But is he serious? Yeah, right now I think so.

 

So I want to reach across the miles and hold him because of his pain, be strong for him because of his fear, and smack him in the back of his coconut head for even suggesting that we end our marriage or put me through this unnecessary crap.

 

It is really hard feeling all of those things at once all the while feeling how long and how far we're separated right now. That burden, which I carry every single damn day, is heavy enough. This on top of it feels like I just want to give up and crawl into a dark hole somewhere to be nothing and do nothing - forever.

 

oh hunny! *hug* There really isn't anything I can say to make you feel better. Good luck and keep your chin up!

[AnnPod]

I don't know what exactly the situation of you two is, but why don't you just come over and have a look at him? Can't you get a visa for his country? Money? Can't you take some time off from your job?

 

Physically being bad just affects a mood of someone a lot, maybe he wouldn't think like that if he was better. Maybe all this being away from you also affects his health... I mean this might not be the only thing, but it could make things worse.

 

I read in other threads that you two have been through a lot and I wish you the best.

[Rollercoasterr]

If it were so easy as to just go "take a look at him" I believe she'd have done that by now. But regardless, he needs better medical attention and he's not getting it there.

 

IG, I believe I'd follow up with that senators office every single day until you come to a resolution. If his spirits are down this much, getting him to you would be the best thing possible. And it's easier said than done.

 

I pray for his well-being.

[KikiW]

Unfortunately I just don't know what advice to give. I have trouble when my STBex gets in these darker, very fatalistic moods. He is a dreamer, an artist, who has gotten himself into a career that is lucrative but not very soul-enriching and there are times when he feels trapped. I try to pull him out of it, offer suggestions on changing things but he gets very black and white about it and I walk away feeling helpless to do anything for him. It happened again just two days ago, but this time accompanied with "well aren't you glad you are unhitching from this wagon so you don't have to deal with it anymore..." Which makes me want to punch him, because we are still friends and we are still a team parenting our daughter.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to make sure he knows that you aren't going anywhere, that you are still working to get him over to you. Maybe he's like by STBex and he just needs to get that all out of his system and once things turn around health-wise, he will be back on track.

[northstar1]

Right now his mouth is swollen from a toothache and he went to the hospital today for antibiotics because the dentist isn't available until Monday.

 

He is still in a lot of pain so there's that. He also said the hospital said he has to have 5 teeth pulled. Which is really alarming to me and I am not sure how to make sure that is what they SHOULD do since in his country they just pull teeth instead of filling them or trying to save them.

 

I'm sure this is hard for him to take.

 

But then he goes on to tell me that the last couple of weeks he has been feeling weak and dizzy and he feels like he is dying.

I believe he is wrong. I think he has been watching his diet because of the Gout he has - which is great - but that he is not getting enough nutrition now.

He is a really big guy and he works out so I am convinced it is that he isn't eating enough of something (probably protein?).

 

But he is despondent. And that translates into him telling me to just leave him there because he is dying. That I shouldn't burden myself anymore because he really believes he is not long for this planet.

 

I know he is in pain and that he is getting stuck in his head just going around and around with how terrible he feels (worthless, weak, sick, etc).

 

But it is so very hard when he gets like this. -- It has happened a couple of times before but never this bad before.

 

I react completely differently to situations when they are bad for whatever reason. I never think of giving up on us or it all being over in whatever way. But he does.

And since I am 5600 miles away it is really hard to reach him in that dark place where he is right now. :(

 

I don't know if anyone out there has advice. Or if this will just end up being a rant.

 

Sorry to hear that IG.

 

Definitely not great to watch him suffer under what seems like primitive care. Sounds like he may have an abscess which is likely what is giving him the pain, infection etc. As barbaric as it seems, pulling the 5 teeth is likely the best thing they can do now, if the teeth are in fact bad/infected and hopefully a strong course of ABX will clear up any infection. He should also be rinsing his mouth with a saline solution to keep it as clean as possible. I'm no dentist, but this is what woudl seem like a good idea.

 

Sorry, wish I had more advice here

 

If he has an infection, no doubt it is making him weak, miserable etc.

Best of luck for him and you to get through this.

[Lovin a scrapper]

I wish that I knew a solution for you, its a very helpless feeling. I can, however, give you as much support and love from the west coast (Rayette) and the midwest (Me) through any situation that comes up for you and the big fella and thats exactly what we will do.

 

Keep everything on the positive and with all of the love from you and everyone on here.....he will get better and back in your care very soon.

[quankanne]

many, many hugs, IG ... do you think the international Red Cross can do anything to help? At least with the health issues? Also, check into Catholic Charities in your area to see what they can help with on the immigration front. Being told you need five teeth pulled sounds like a very overkill response, and surely an agency can help prevent that measure!

 

meanwhile, remind him he's stuck with you 'til the end of time, so he just needs to get used to that idea!

[Bearandsue]

OHH I am so sorry IG. I have no medical advice but all I can say is keep reassuring him that you are not going anywhere. It might not seem like it is getting through to him but I believe that will help him.

 

Give him all the love and support you can from where you are and it will help him get through. Do you have any idea when you can see him again? Outside of the immigration side of it, like a short visit. I think that would help a lot.

 

I hope he feels better soon. Keep staying strong IG!{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

[Island Girl]

Thanks you guys.

 

Basically our conversation last night went just that way with him saying that he really feels like he is dying and, it all doesn't matter, and he thinks even if he does finally come he will only be here for months or a year at the longest (but he really thinks he will meet his demise in the next couple of months) -

 

And then me telling him that he isn't dying - he just isn't eating enough and he is in pain and not feeling well because of that too - and that HE doesn't get to make the decision for me whether to stay with him or not even if he was ill and dying - which he isn't.

 

It made me ill last night. And I had fitful rest. Since they are 20 hours ahead I now have to sit with this again this morning until I can call again.

At the same time wrestling with the fact that I don't WANT another call like last night - but I have to call and further clarify, or get more out of him, or get a retraction of his comments last night.

 

I shouldn't place much stock in it but it is difficult not to.

 

Money plays a serious part in visiting, etc. He does what he can to support himself but he could find good use for the amount of money it takes for a visit - and I have to keep a substantial amount of money available for his ticket to come here and things he'll need when he gets here.

 

Just the dentist and going to the doctor on Monday will be a couple hundred dollars and these things come up when they come up.

That is the nature of emergencies of course.

 

In 2005 when he was attacked by the guy with the machete, his right hand was nearly severed completely, and he had a lengthy hospital stay.

When in the hospital, it is up to the family to care for the patient as far as food, blankets, pillows, and everything.

 

The economy the last two years has hit me really hard since I am sales and sell to businesses and many have gone out of business, etc.

In fact I am displaced right now and looking. So it is not the time to be taking off on an expensive vacation - though we REALLY need it.

It is a conundrum. It makes my head spin.

A few thousand dollars improves his stay there tremendously for a while (which is a part of his mental condition right now) - but so would a visit although a visit would be much shorter - but what if I spend this money and everything come through and he has to stay there longer because I don't have the chunk of cash to get him here and then take care of his immediate needs when he arrives because it will be a while before he gets a job so it may fall on my shoulders to support the two of us here for who knows how long. UGH.

 

It is as if we are two people lost at sea in a life raft and we have the normal every day struggle of keeping each other alive and focused day to day -- and now suddenly the raft has sprung a leak so I'm bailing out water and he has gone delirious and is drawing more water in.

Part of me just wishes I could take an oar and knock him out - because I know I can get the water out and patch the hole and keep up afloat until we are rescued but it is hard enough without him contributing to the problems instead of the solution!!!!

And then I can wake him up when this is all over and he is coming here - finally coming here.

 

That may seem extreme but that is the only way I can describe it.

 

My head is pounding right now. Emotional overload. :sick:

 

Thank you all for the messages of support. You don't even know how much it helps just that people out there empathize. At least I know I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do -- and that I am probably on the right track just telling him I am not going anywhere - that this isn't the end of us - that he isn't dying he just needs to go to the doctor and hear it from them.

[northstar1]

Thanks you guys.

 

Basically our conversation last night went just that way with him saying that he really feels like he is dying and, it all doesn't matter, and he thinks even if he does finally come he will only be here for months or a year at the longest (but he really thinks he will meet his demise in the next couple of months) -

 

And then me telling him that he isn't dying - he just isn't eating enough and he is in pain and not feeling well because of that too - and that HE doesn't get to make the decision for me whether to stay with him or not even if he was ill and dying - which he isn't.

 

It made me ill last night. And I had fitful rest. Since they are 20 hours ahead I now have to sit with this again this morning until I can call again.

At the same time wrestling with the fact that I don't WANT another call like last night - but I have to call and further clarify, or get more out of him, or get a retraction of his comments last night.

 

I shouldn't place much stock in it but it is difficult not to.

 

Money plays a serious part in visiting, etc. He does what he can to support himself but he could find good use for the amount of money it takes for a visit - and I have to keep a substantial amount of money available for his ticket to come here and things he'll need when he gets here.

 

Just the dentist and going to the doctor on Monday will be a couple hundred dollars and these things come up when they come up.

That is the nature of emergencies of course.

 

In 2005 when he was attacked by the guy with the machete, his right hand was nearly severed completely, and he had a lengthy hospital stay.

When in the hospital, it is up to the family to care for the patient as far as food, blankets, pillows, and everything.

 

The economy the last two years has hit me really hard since I am sales and sell to businesses and many have gone out of business, etc.

In fact I am displaced right now and looking. So it is not the time to be taking off on an expensive vacation - though we REALLY need it.

It is a conundrum. It makes my head spin.

A few thousand dollars improves his stay there tremendously for a while (which is a part of his mental condition right now) - but so would a visit although a visit would be much shorter - but what if I spend this money and everything come through and he has to stay there longer because I don't have the chunk of cash to get him here and then take care of his immediate needs when he arrives because it will be a while before he gets a job so it may fall on my shoulders to support the two of us here for who knows how long. UGH.

 

It is as if we are two people lost at sea in a life raft and we have the normal every day struggle of keeping each other alive and focused day to day -- and now suddenly the raft has sprung a leak so I'm bailing out water and he has gone delirious and is drawing more water in.

Part of me just wishes I could take an oar and knock him out - because I know I can get the water out and patch the hole and keep up afloat until we are rescued but it is hard enough without him contributing to the problems instead of the solution!!!!

And then I can wake him up when this is all over and he is coming here - finally coming here.

 

That may seem extreme but that is the only way I can describe it.

 

My head is pounding right now. Emotional overload. :sick:

 

Thank you all for the messages of support. You don't even know how much it helps just that people out there empathize. At least I know I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do -- and that I am probably on the right track just telling him I am not going anywhere - that this isn't the end of us - that he isn't dying he just needs to go to the doctor and hear it from them.

 

Wish I could give you a hug IG. I honestly don't know how you hold it all together, but your resolve and strength is so impressive.

 

I am also feeling the financial burden (my industry, and my own investments/finances), which leaves a constant low grade anxiety over my head as well - so I know where you are coming from.

 

Does he have any family that can go check on him, make sure he is eating properly and give him some inspiration?

[Lucky_One]

Unfortunately, he could have advanced peridontal disease, which could necessitate such a radical tooth removal. It doesn't sound like adequate oral care is typical for his country, and this probably isn't rare.

 

Any chance that his general malaise is just related to the infection, rather than diet? He could have been fighting low-grade infection for weeks now, and this could be making him so down and draggy. Hopefully, the antibiotics will get him a bit perkier.

 

I can't imagine being that far away, and not having the financial resources to do whatever it took. That doesn't help with the immigration requirements, either, for being able to support him. You really are between a rock and a hard place.

 

(((((IslandGirl)))))

[Trialbyfire]

IG, I can only admire you, for your perserverance and love. Considering all the positive, self-empowering advice you've given to so many members on LS and how, your marriage defies all odds, you're just one amazing lady!

 

Chin up, sweetheart!

[Island Girl]

Wish I could give you a hug IG. I honestly don't know how you hold it all together, but your resolve and strength is so impressive.

 

I am also feeling the financial burden (my industry, and my own investments/finances), which leaves a constant low grade anxiety over my head as well - so I know where you are coming from.

 

Does he have any family that can go check on him, make sure he is eating properly and give him some inspiration?

 

He did have - close family (two of his sisters) - but they moved to NZ two years ago. Now it is just cousins around him in his village. Hi father is there but he is not in any position to help.

 

I am going to try to get hold of the cousins who are there and let them know he is in need - really that I need them to help him.

Thank you for the suggestion. They think I am pretty "crazy" and forceful so I have a bit of faith they'll take me seriously.

 

He is a proud man and will not ask for help from anyone himself.

 

And thank you northstar for the expressed hug. All of them help. I feel the spirit of it.

 

 

Unfortunately, he could have advanced peridontal disease, which could necessitate such a radical tooth removal. It doesn't sound like adequate oral care is typical for his country, and this probably isn't rare.

 

Any chance that his general malaise is just related to the infection, rather than diet? He could have been fighting low-grade infection for weeks now, and this could be making him so down and draggy. Hopefully, the antibiotics will get him a bit perkier.

 

I can't imagine being that far away, and not having the financial resources to do whatever it took. That doesn't help with the immigration requirements, either, for being able to support him. You really are between a rock and a hard place.

 

(((((IslandGirl)))))

 

 

Yes, he very well could have been having the onset of this for a while.

 

He was trying to tell me he thinks he has a blood disease and has convinced himself of that so I canimagine he has been feeling very bad for a while and is just telling me now that it is overwhelming him.

 

He is concerned about losing his teeth. He knows how I have always been about my teeth and oral care. I think he also feels that he'll be unattractive to me when I do finally have him here and that may be weighing on him as well.

 

Their country is just not as advanced with any type of care and it is common that the dentists just pull teeth rather than any extensive fix to save them.

 

Thank you for the hugs and the support right now. I'd be losing it if I didn't have an outlet like LS to vent and have support.

 

IG, I can only admire you, for your perseverance and love. Considering all the positive, self-empowering advice you've given to so many members on LS and how, your marriage defies all odds, you're just one amazing lady!

 

Chin up, sweetheart!

 

 

Thank you TBF.

 

I'm trying hard to be "amazing" for him but I feel like I am failing right now.

 

I know how he feels. Last year I went through a really bad patch and was despondent about a lot of things. There are differences - I wasn't suffering physically or in that pain - but in my nature I did not share all of it with him and burden him with it. I didn't say anything about ending our marriage or giving up the fight with immigration.

 

I guess I just have to remember he has a lot of added components such as tremendous pain. the weakness, and his living conditions as well along with the despondency I'm sure that is extremely hard.

 

And I would rather he tell me than feel this way and just get further down the road with it and just shut down...

 

I talked to a friend who has known us from the very beginning and she helped with some ideas -- don't talk about the end or status of us right now but just concentrate on him going to the doctor and getting better with his health, etc.

So if he brings it up I am just going to tell him we're not discussing that right now, what's most important is his health and how he is feeling, and we'll talk about that another time.

 

I've been putting together a care package for him and I'm going to tuck some "feel good" stuff in there for him. She gave me some suggestions - I'm open to more - just things to spark him about us (racy panties ) so he is comforted and reminded.

 

I am going to take a look at the trip plans - I was planning on meeting him in Fiji - and rearrange so that he can have a little bit of money here and there to take care of himself a bit better. Just so he can get a little pick me up and not just necessities.

He is staying in a fala - with no electricity and no running water - and he scrapes by with food. When he has gotten "extra" money it is for soap or a blanket so he hasn't had anything that is just a pick me up not a necessity in a while.

Now that said - he does CHOOSE to stay there rather than our house there because his step-grandmother is still alive and as long as she is living she stays at out property (cultural) and she doesn't like him (he got the property as the first born son of the first born son and she wanted the property to go to her children.

When he was staying there she had 15 other family members stay there as well and it was quite crowded so he found this place where he stays by himself.

 

Thank you so much TBF. I don't feel like myself and I certainly do not feel strong right now. I appreciate being able to borrow it from the others here...

[sb129]

He is concerned about losing his teeth. He knows how I have always been about my teeth and oral care. I think he also feels that he'll be unattractive to me when I do finally have him here and that may be weighing on him as well.

 

Their country is just not as advanced with any type of care and it is common that the dentists just pull teeth rather than any extensive fix to save them.

 

Unfortunately, this is true- I have worked in the very place he will be going to get the teeth taken out, and the facilities are very basic, and pulling teeth out rather than saving them is the norm.

They just don't have the equipment, staff or time to save them.

 

Having said that IG, if the 5 teeth are that bad, they themselves could be contributing to his feeling of general well being- especially if one or more of them are abscessed. The infection will not be helping him feel better.

 

Vitamin C is an excellent idea, as it will also help the extraction sites to heal.

 

Hugs to you IG, you are such a rock and I am sorry you guys are going through this. Its been a tough year for you.

 

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

[sb129]

PS- glad to hear the tart cherry tablets made it there...

[Island Girl]

Vitamin C is an excellent idea, as it will also help the extraction sites to heal.

 

Hugs to you IG, you are such a rock and I am sorry you guys are going through this. Its been a tough year for you.

 

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

 

sb - I sent you a message last night. I don't remember what I said as it was in the aftermath. Maybe you covered everything here. I don't know.

 

Glad to know Vitamin C will help the Gout and healing his mouth. I'll get that off Monday.

 

It has been a tough year. For him it is always tougher because of his environment. You know what I am speaking of.

People think I am exaggerating standard of living and costs for everything.

I really wish I was.

 

Before the economy hit me so hard two years ago I could make things much easier for him there. My life here was much different too.

After two years of financial strain it just isn't easy to send anything - I do have money I set aside because there ARE emergencies that come up (like this one) where he now needs a dental appointment and for his piece of mind the doctor with perhaps blood tests so he can really get proof he doesn't have a blood disease. The fact that he has been feeling dizzy and sick for two weeks before he lets me know just pisses me off. Especially since it has now progressed to the point where he really believes he is dying.

But at least he finally did tell me.

[sb129]

IG- got your message, and have had a thought re: his overall condition, sent it to you via email.

 

Hope this helps.

SB

[Island Girl]

IG- got your message, and have had a thought re: his overall condition, sent it to you via email.

 

Hope this helps.

SB

 

Thank you so much - I am going to check now.

[Island Girl]

So he called. He is still feeling miserable obviously. He said, "I'm tell you da truth honey, I'm not feel good right now. Not at all."

 

So I kept the conversation about going to the doctor and dentist tomorrow and how much that is going to be and when he is going to go to each, etc.

 

I stayed really calm and loving but was more about just empathizing and telling him that everything will be okay, he's going to get help tomorrow, and he WILL feel better.

 

Then he says really quietly, "You know why I'm madda you?"

 

"No. Why are you mad at me?"

 

Again - really quiet and husky with a loooong pause, "Missing you. Making love to you. Holding you in my arms so tight."

 

Awwww right?

 

He has done this at times. Thrown a tantrum like a small child and shut down on me - it happened the day before I left there when we got married. At that point we didn't know when we'd see each other again but thought it may be a few months...that was 3 years ago.

 

So he is feeling very low, and his appearance is something he is worried about because we touched on that too.

 

My love. My sweet gentle man. I just love him - and now had the chance to tell him that I love HIM and he is not replaceable - that when we said our vows we said through anything and everything forever - sickness and health, etc. and that I didn't just say "as long as you still look like a god".

 

Of course I told him that he should never say things like he did. And that it hurt me and I cried. And he said he knew he was wrong and he is so very sorry about doing that at all.

 

Ugh. I feel soooooooooo much better. The fight with immigration is still on. We still are headed towards eternity together and I can breathe again.

[oasis]

So he called. He is still feeling miserable obviously. He said, "I'm tell you da truth honey, I'm not feel good right now. Not at all."

 

So I kept the conversation about going to the doctor and dentist tomorrow and how much that is going to be and when he is going to go to each, etc.

 

I stayed really calm and loving but was more about just empathizing and telling him that everything will be okay, he's going to get help tomorrow, and he WILL feel better.

 

Then he says really quietly, "You know why I'm madda you?"

 

"No. Why are you mad at me?"

 

Again - really quiet and husky with a loooong pause, "Missing you. Making love to you. Holding you in my arms so tight."

 

Awwww right?

 

He has done this at times. Thrown a tantrum like a small child and shut down on me - it happened the day before I left there when we got married. At that point we didn't know when we'd see each other again but thought it may be a few months...that was 3 years ago.

 

So he is feeling very low, and his appearance is something he is worried about because we touched on that too.

 

My love. My sweet gentle man. I just love him - and now had the chance to tell him that I love HIM and he is not replaceable - that when we said our vows we said through anything and everything forever - sickness and health, etc. and that I didn't just say "as long as you still look like a god".

 

Ugh. I feel soooooooooo much better. The fight with immigration is still on. We still are headed towards eternity together and I can breathe again.

 

IG, I gotta give you props. Your love seems so pure and true. After reading this post, I felt as if I have just read an excerpt from a novel.

 

Keep hanging tough, because your love is just not an "everyday" kind of love.