SLCJR Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. In the beginning of our relationship he lied to me about who he was dating before me, and through his friends and co-workers I slowly began to piece things together based on random conversations. To make a long story short, he was dating a co-worker of his who was married and had a small child. She was also 11 years older than him, and they had worked together sonce he was in high school. They had an affair for about 8 months, and then I came into the picture. He and I are both 25. He says he didn't tell me about her because he didn't want me to think of him as someone who would hook up with someone like her. He basically says he used her for sex. Because it was so scandalous, people keep bringing it up, and it totally grosses me out to think of him with such a vile woman,and to think of him being such a pig. I understand it was both of them who hurt everyone around them - and it was in the past... but it affects the present and future because she passed on a disease to him that he gave to me (HPV) and now I have to deal with it for the rest of my life, and my chances of having a child are cut down. I also had to undergo 3 surgeries, and it has drained me physically and emotionally. Besides this, everything between my boyfriend and I are great. I can't complain about anything... should I forgive him, and is it wrong of me to continually be upset with him whenever she is brought up in conversation or I have to go to the doctor?? Help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I think the fact of him giving you HPV is much more important an issue and embarrassment than who he slept with to get it in the first place. I'm not suggesting YOU should be embarrassed.....I think the situation is more of an embarrassment. If you can forgive him for THAT, I don't think who he slept with previously....especially before you ever knew him....should be the point. If it really bothers you that much when you see her.....and I suspect it does....think about getting a new job where you can get beyond all the gossiping. I don't see anything so GROSS with him having an affair with an older woman who was married. What is GROSS is that he didn't use any protection. If she DID give him the HPV....how does anyone else but you and him know about it??? (Just wondering.) If you are happy with this man, love him and he supports what you are going thru.....then I'd let the past be the past. You can't change it....so why let it rob you of a possibly very happy future??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SLCJR Posted November 24, 2003 Author Share Posted November 24, 2003 I have known him since we were in Jr. high. We were each other's first crushes. Didn't see him again until 2 years ago. (8 years went by) I don't work with her - he does. The reason why everyone knows about her is because they all work together, and while he was having the affair he brought her around to parties where his friends hung out. I suppose because they didn't try to hide it, people were put off for various reasons - they knew her husband, she brought her child with her, she tried to hit on other men, etc. So - when I am around his co-workers or friends, they sometimes bring her up in conversation, not knowing I have HPV because of her. I also know it's her because I had not had sex in almost 2 years before sleeping with my current boyfriend, and never had an abnormal test until after sleeping with him. I totally understand where you're coming from, and I really appreciate your feedback!! Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Callisto Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 Previous relationships are just that. Previous. I understand that it is harder for you to let it go because every time you go to the dr you are reminded, but I think you will feel so much lighter if you just put that behind you and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author SLCJR Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 I can see where you are right on target, but at the same time I can' t help but feel some anger and resentment towards both of them. I'm the one who has to deal with my medical condition, and honestly, I feel very alone in the whole situation. Neither of them had to suffer any consequences for their tryst. I guess it bothers me that they hurt so many people and it seems like they don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Callisto Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Have you explained to him how you feel? There's nothing you can do about her except wallow in resentment (and believe me, you are entitled), but that's not going to help you much. Perhaps he can lend a listening ear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SLCJR Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 I try to talk to him, but he gets very defensive and frustrated. He says he feels bad about what happened, and is sick about people talking about it because it's in the past. So although he listens, he is not very sympathetic. he was never totally up front about her - I found everything out by talking to other people who happened to bring her up thinking I already knew about her when I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Callisto Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 That's a tough one. It's not something you can just "get over". But I am sure he does feel bad. Everytime you go to the dr it's probably another jab in the heart for him. Perhaps he is sympathetic, but doesn't really know how to show it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SLCJR Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 Thanks for all your input. It's really helping me begin to let go, and move on. I didn't have anyone to turn to for advice because of the HPV (which is the cancer causing strain, not herpes) and I really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Callisto Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Perhaps there are support groups online you can check out. I am sure there are many people who have stories such as yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 Pardon my ignorance...(about HPV) I know how it feels to be betrayed and to have an STD passed onto me...(which was Chlamydia being treatable so I was "lucky" - for now)...this resulted from a person who I thought was my friend but our friendship ended in him raping me. Hardly anyone knows about it, except my parents and bf...my bf can't deal with it and I don't expect to be able to go to him for support, I wouldn't want to hear about it either, it's not that he doesn't care, it's just he said that it hurts him too much... Anyway I've had health problems ever since and although all my tests have come up clear, I believe there is still something wrong with me, as I have the symptoms of PID, which apparently can go undetected which scares me, because a year has gone by, and it's only takes weeks to become infertile...and that frightens me...and I haven't fallen pregnant either in 8 months of sleeping with my bf but i was on the pill for a few months...but not that long... Anyway I don't think I can ever truly rest and be happy until I find out for sure that i'm okay...so i'm going to the doctors on tuesday and arranging to go have an internal ultrasound. I had an external one like people who are pregnant have, and although the results weren't as thorough due to limited view, what they did find was "normal" (in the early days i was too scared too and ran out of the hospital screaming for them not to touch me - rape does that to you, you don't want anyone touching you EVER not even your family...) but I feel that I'm ready now and i'm not afraid to find out devasting news, because I really need to know... And although what I have said has kinda strayed from what you originally wrote about, basically what i'm trying to say is never be afraid to move on from the devastation in your life. I have treid very hard to, but until I find everything I can out a year and a half later i haven't been able to move forward properly. You're not alone... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SLCJR Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 Sorry to hear about your horrible experience, and thank you for your support. HPV is a virus that causes herpes. There are many different strains of it. A few of them are known to cause cervical cancer, and that is what I have. Unlike herpes, where the symptoms are obvious, there are no symptoms for the strain I contracted. I found out by an abnormal result on my annual pap test, which then led to a series of tests and surgeries. I don't think you have anything to worry about if your pap tests are coming back fine. I hope your doctor's appointment goes as smoothly as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Chmleon Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 I was flipping through this and wanted to clear something up. Please don't take this is meddling, I'm a medical student so I know something (albeit not a whole lot yet) about your condition. HPV is human papilloma virus, and you're right, it's the only known cause of cervical cancer. Certain strains are more dangerous than others, and if you've been diagnosed with one of them, I urge you to keep a close relationship with your doctor and encourage you that the prognosis for carefully monitored conditions is excellent. HHV is human herpes virus, which comes in many different forms as well, causing everything from genital herpes to chicken pox to mononucleosis. I wish you the best of luck with your medical and personal futures. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SLCJR Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 Thanks for your concern. I have had all the tests and surgeries possible for my condition so far. The only thing left to do is monitor my status every 3 months, and my first check -up is in January. Certain strains of HPV do however cause genital warts as well. Scary stuff!! Link to post Share on other sites
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