Is this anxiety/GAD/Social phobia, or something worse?

[Dooda]

My parents have always been abusive. They would swear at me and hit me when I didn't do something right or when I would argue back. They would rip my clothes and break my games and my items. Their excuses would always be one of 2 things: 1. We're your parents, we have the right to get angry, and 2. We did it because we were angry and becuase we love you, not because we're your enemies.

I always used to believe. It was a part of the family. This was how my parents got treated, this is how I will get treated. 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and have all the problems of it: racing thoughts, worry - CONSTANT worry - depersonalisation/derealisation. I have social anxiety as well, I am very socially unstable and feel as though I can't be myself with anyone. I will either be very shut off because I am thinking too much about how I'm acting, or I will be the guy who is socially awkward, saying weird things to try and fill in the gaps and not feel left out. Only when I'm feeling really comfortable will I feel like I'm showing my true colours, and being myself. Other than that, I feel as though I'm being weird.

Last year I went to military school because I failed my last year at high school and the situation with my parents was getting too bad. Everything was my fault and it was up to me to fix it by going to military school, staying away from the family. To them, that was the best choice, and to me it should have been to. One good thing that s*** hole gave me was a new perspective on the way my family was running. I realised it was NOT normal for parents to abuse their children and somehow justify it by MY actions or by their status as 'parents'. It's not right to constantly belittle someone and expect him to understand, without apologizing, that it was never meant. Its not right to smack someone in the face and beat the s*** out of him and tell him its for his own good. Its not right to act as though your the most perfect parents in the world and then expect your son to admit his faults and constantly be sorry for what he does. Its not right to constantly pressure a son and make him feel isolated and alone. Its not normal to make a son feel as though he has to be perfect and accomplish everything that is demanded of him in perfect order.

I came back with that mindset. Everything got worse. An argument erupted, ofcourse, and it all started by my mother swearing at me and calling me 'sick'. I lost it. I had enough. Enough of all the bullcrap. It just got worse from there, and I was swearing back at them like they were at me. I told them all the disgusting words I could think of. I didn't care, they didn't care.

After the fight was over, it was supposed to be me who was supposed to feel remorseful for what I did, but they had nothing to feel. They were perfect angels in a perfect world, and I was the devious son that should never dare swear at their parents. The thing is, I would be able to apologize if I knew that they would be willing to understand that the way they have treated me has been in total disregard to my feelings or my development as a self-confident human being. I was wrong, they weren't. The same old, We're your parents, we don't mean it. Then why doesn't that apply to me then? I didn't mean it, ofcourse I didn't mean it. But that doesn't mean I know I'm wrong for it and I shouldn't have done what I did. It was wrong of me to lose my self-respect and swear back at them, but they are unwilling to recogize any fault of their own. Is that normal? Am I going crazy?

Ever since then, everything has gotten worse. Everyime we get into a fight now, I break stuff, like a bowl, or whatever is in front of me. It doesn't make sense to me. My mom drives me crazy, and so does my dad. There is nothing else to do but to break whatever is in front of me, because otherwise I just feel hopeless. I feel as though they will never understand that the way they treated me was not proper and has made me feel like garbage.

It got worse till one day, my mother and I were fighting again. She tried to hit me and I held her arms. She tried to bite me (she actually tried to bite me). At that point I pushed her head back to not let her bite me and I hit her a little harder than I wanted to. I never meant to hit her, I felt so bad and disgusted with myself for having done it. Since that day, we're not talking anymore, my mother or my father. I'm in Uni and they are willing to give me 1000$ a month just to get me out of the house and not have to live with them. They are doing it because they have an obligation as parents and not because they love me. They hat me now, and they have a right to.

I really am starting to think this is all my fault, like as though they have a right to do what they do, because they are parents. They are not obliged to apologize for anything they've done, only I am, because I'm their son. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I can't understand how someone can be so resolute in their thinking that they have a right to treat their son like that, and never show him any remorse for it. What makes me think that more is that brother gives me exactly that reasoning. He tells me that any way my parents act is my fault. I am the cause of it. I'm the one who angers them and creates the problems and I'm the cause of destruction. If I do something wrong, they have the right to get angry and act the way they do. It is only normal.

I constantly worry, about everything, everyone, at every moment in my life. I can't act normally with people now. I can't just be myself and not be socially awkward or completely shut off. I can't not sweat and feel out of breath in a bus and feel as though everyone's eyes are upon me, thinking of what I'm doing. There's this girl I really like now, and I know she likes me to. I know that if I get to know her and get into a relationship it'll help me get through this thing, but I also feel that a girl like that doesn't deserve me, that she'd never want to be with a guy like me anyways, and that I'd never be able to act myself anyways.

 

How do I deal with this? Am I normal? Or am I just crazy to be acting back so aggressively to my parents? Do I have something like Borderline personality disorder, or avoidance personality disorder, or is this just anxiety topped by stressful events and I can't seem to cope with it? I don't really want to seek professional help. I went to two psychiatrists before, and I was never able to tell them how I really feel except for feeling in another world, having racing thoughts,constant worrying etc. I can only tell them the symptoms, but I can't tell them about what I think is the cause. I don't want to take meds either, I don't think they'll help me. I tried them before, and all they made me feel was more spaced out, drowsy and caused me to overeat.