Is this Anxiety/Social Phobia or Avoidance Personality Disorder?

[Dooda]

About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Anxiety. I have depersonalisation, derealisation, racing thoughts, constant worry, and everything else that is a smyptom of severe anxiety.

I also have social anxiety. But I am worried that this might be avoidance personality disorder, since I was reading an article about it and it related to me alot.

I'll give you as honest an interpertation of my feelings as I can.

I am very awkward and feel nervous in social settings where I know nobody at all, like in a bus or while walking downtown. However, when I'm with friends in those same areas I'm less tense and more 'myself'. I am, most of the time, unable to talk to people I don't know or to start a conversation. Usually, people will start the conversation with me.

 

I am very sensitive to criticism and I don't really take it well. I am not so much afraid of being rejected or criticized, but more like I don't take to it too well. With people I don't know I am afraid. But with people I know, it's different. Like if a friend will criticize I'll try and disprove him and I'll get defensive. I'm kind of a fun person to make fun of.

 

I do have physical symptoms while in social situations I'm not comfortable with. I sweat alot, and I have shortness of breath, like I always need to yawn but I can't. I get the shortness of breath when I'm really stressed out too.

 

What is getting me to, though, is that I'm not even able to be myself or act normally with my friends and family. I can't talk anymore like I used to, I am always thinking about what I'm saying. Especially with my friends in social settings, sometimes I will be normal, but other times I'll be either shut off (thinking about how I'm acting), or I'll be acting socially awkward (like saying things to fill the gaps or to not feel left out). What gets to me is the being socially awkward part, becuase I feel as though it lessens people's respect for me. I guess I act socially awkward because I am simply thinking about it too much, and because my self-esteem is so low.

 

There is this girl I like, now, and I know she likes me too. She gives me all the signs through her body language. She smiles at me, keeps eye contact, fidgets with her hair. Sometimes I think it would be good to get in a relationship with her because it would help me forget about my problems and would let me move on, but other times I think how would a girl like this ever be interested in me, and I would never be able to be myself anyways.

 

What is also weird is that I have mood swings, kind of. Like sometimes I'll be social and be able to be myself, while others I'm just secluded and not talking and thinking about myself.

 

I do have some close friends, about 5 I know I can trust in and are good friends. I used to be very close to my family before we started having problems and now we simply can't deal with each other. I am always pretty close to my brother, but this problem I'm having is causing me to be distant with him, him and even my best friends. Again, it's like somtimes I'll be able to be myself, while others I'll be socially awkward.

 

I don't like to be alone, but when I'm alone I feel less tense and stressed, except when I am worrying like now. I do like to hang out with friends, and if I'm at my Uni I would rather be with them then be alone.

 

What's weird is that before I started getting Anxious 3 years ago, I never had these problems. I was never so worrisome. It took me a while to open up to people, but when I did I got very close to them. I used to be really close to my brother, but now I am becoming distant, because of my constant thinking and worrying.

 

I am really worried that this will just be some disorder I can't cure myself from and it will never go away. I heard that avoidance personality disorder is uncurable, and that's what really worries me if I have it.

Is this avoidance personality disorder? Or is it social phobia and I'm socially awkward and have mood swings and feel as though I can't be myself with people because of my anxiety and constant worrying and obsessing over the thoughts?