Troubled and sadly mean D-I-L

[TryingToBreakEven]

My son married a sweet woman, but she was never too smart. It's something you notice right away. She was very pretty when he married her, which is what I suspect was the charm (plus her sweetness), but she has since put on at least a hundred pounds and is suddenly no longer sweet. For reasons I don't want to get into, and don't even fully understand, she feels she had an awakening and that my son is a terrible husband and father, although she likes to hang out at night and has no problem leaving their twins with this "terrible" father.

 

My son would do anything to save the marriage, but in my heart I know that she is only biding her time. She is very mean to him, making fun of him, belittling him both in front of her family and in front of the twins. These are boy and girl twins, by the way. The boy is delayed. He is almost two and doesn't speak, and sometimes seems to be in his own world, but M. won't allow him to get educational services to help him, although she has been told she needs to do it for his sake. Her excuse is, she knows he'll be fine. My son can't get her to sign for services, and I think they both have to do it. Girl twin is very bright and verbal and is starting to cuss like her mother.

 

The holidays aren't far away. Son and wife will still probably be together in this death dance because, for all her bluster, M. doesn't want to support herself and get a full time job. She's too busy running around, mostly with her sisters. She could be cheating...who knows? M. has been very rude to me. I told her once that my grandson seemed delayed and she blew up at me, every curse word you can think of exploding from her mouth. I realize I should have kept quiet, but it's so obvious and I'm worried about him. At any rate, we don't like one another.

 

I dread like anything seeing M. for the holidays. We live a few states away and are considering not even going in for the holidays this year and hub and I just take it easy and go to his family instead. But I do still want to see my other grown children who live in Minnesota (we are from Minnesota). Yet the dread of seeing M. almost makes me sick. I'm basically non-confrontational and she is rude around me and my husband. She is forever telling me and hub what we should and shouldn't do with the twins. Boy twin tends to rage and she has told my son that it's me who overstimulates him and makes him rage. Maybe I do. I don't mean to. I wish she'd tell me what she wants from me so I can do better, but she barely sniffs at me. When I asked her once what I did wrong, she said, "I never said you caused it." I know she did. Son didn't make that up.

 

Son feels badly about DIL, but doesn't want to make his bad living situation worse by leaving M. at home for the holidays. Eventually there will be a divorce, but it may take a few years. For those of you in my situation, with a family member who you really can barely tolerate and who can barely tolerate you, any suggestions for the holidays What would YOU do? It's only September and I'm already nervous about Thanksgiving. Yes, son could step in, but it's not his nature to confront either and he is so badly hurt by her change in personality and is really intimidated by her ridicule of him, especially in front of his children. So son isn't going to probably do anything. I think he's as nervous as I am, yet he wants to see me for the holidays as much as I want to see him and, although I can barely interact with the twins with their mother herding them to herself, he wants them to know his grandparents...hub and me. My other grown kids in MN want me and hub to be there as well, but said they'd understand if we don't come...they are aware of the drama.

 

It is hard to believe that this M. is the M. my son married. She will not admit there could be something wrong with her and it's going to be hard for me to bite my tongue if she belittles my son in my presence. Thanks for reading this. Just writing it made me feel better.

[Lucky_One]

First things first.

 

I'd have a frank talk with my son, and tell him that he had both of our full support if he pursues a divorce (emotionally and monetarily, as D can be pretty expensive).

 

And then, I would tell him to get off his keister and start being far more pro-active in caring for those twins. And document everything. He needs to take that child to a pediatrician for a referral, and NO he doesn't need her permission to do that; I just had my son tested at a pediatric endocrinologist, and my XH had no say-so at all, and the dr's office didn't ask if the absent parent gave permission.

 

And he needs to document, document, document every instance of where he is doing things actively for his children's welfare - doctor appts., record keeping, conferences with child care givers, Sunday School/Nursury teachers, playgroup leaders. He needs to document DAILY the bedtime routine (brushing, bathing, changing, tucking in), and meal routines with menu planning, cooking, feeding, and clean up, play group routines, housecleaning and yard work routines and details.

 

This is imperative IF you want to have some time to spend with your grandchildren post-divorce. He needs to be prepared to show that he is the more active hands-on and responsible parent, and that might still only get him joint custody. If he lets her file for sole physical custody with him having visitation, then your time with them will be negligable, esp since you are out of state.

 

As for your holidays, I can't imagine not spending them with another one of your children; you can avoid seeing your DIL, but I can't imagine punishing all of your other children just because of one girl.