Girlie Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I have a great boyfriend who I have been dating for a fairly short period of time (about 6 months) and things are going well. About 2 years prior to our relationship, he ended a relationship that he had been in for 4+ years because he felt they had grown apart and because of that, he was not interested in pursuing marriage with her. I recently discovered that she is still in contact with his mother, and would still like to be with him. For his part, does not initiate any contact with her and has only seen her a few times since the break up when she has stopped by his place of employment. I trust him when he says that he has no desire to get back together with her. He never contacts her and her name is rarely mentioned. However, the fact that she is still in contact with his family really bothers me for some reason. It's like she's still hanging on and hanging around in whatever way she can. Obviously, there's not a lot I can do. I was just wondering if anyone else had dealt with this situation before and how they dealt with their feelings about it. I'm worried that his family still likes this girl and is keeping her around in hopes that they'll get back together. I worry that this is something that could interfere in our relationship and I'm wondering how to avoid that. Basically, I'm a little worried period. Should I be concerned, or as long as he isn't interested, should I just not worry about it? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Your concerns are definitely understandable. I'd be curious to know what your BF thinks of the fact that his family is still chummy with his ex. Does it bother him? Make him uncomfortable? Does he find it a little inappropriate, or is he really indifferent? How do you feel his family feel about you? Have they been warm and welcoming to you, moreso over time? I'm not in your shoes, I don't think, but I am dating a guy who was with a gal for 4 yrs (lived together for the last 2)....and he did mention that his Mom really liked her. I've only met his Mom once, not too long after he and I started to date. I couldn't get a sense from her whether I was "welcome" in her home/son's life..or if deep down, she missed his ex and felt I was an outsider. Strangely enough, prior to me meeting his parents, he often told me how his mom and him would get together for coffee and visit and all he'd do was talk about me (how glad he was to have met me, how much we have in common, etc...you know, the usual "excitement" when you meet someone you quickly click with)....but even after meeting her, I sort of expected that he'd pass along to me something like, "My parents enjoyed meeting you" or "My Mom said you seemed nice"...but there was never any feedback, so who knows. I was under the impression that he and the ex mutually decided to split up, in fact, I get the distinct impression that she made more of the move to leave him. I could be wrong, though. Does she still have contact with his Mom or family? Possible, I have no idea. I feel for your situation, I don't really have any suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I have a problem with obssessing over the ex boyfriends girlfriend......but can relate to this problem. I have a friend too in the same situation. Her partner is divorced and the two kids live with the mother. Consequently he has a lot of contact with her. He is still in contact with the family of the parents and may call her brother for advice or the ex mother+in+law for a chat. My friend does not have any problem with this, because its for the kids and because she feel totally secure with ehr man. In your situation there are no kids inolved. Lucky you. Imagine that? But I do understand how you feel that she is stepping on your territory that you claim now to be yours. You have to remember that whenever we meet a new guy there is always baggage. Photographs, letters, family friendships. It would not be fair of you to expect the family to end any of these friendships with this girl because they were formed before you cam on the scene. What you need to is boast your own self esteem in the relationship and realise that he is with you now and that the most important thing is for you to stengthen you relationship with him and even the relationship with his parents. Instead of letting her make you feel powerless, realise that you have the power, becuase this guy is now YOURS and his parents, are in affect, YOUR boyfriends parents. Concentrate on getting to know them an them getting to know you and how great you are for their son. Once they see you for who you are, it will be YOU who will grow closer to them and YOU who will be most importnant to them - the girl in their sons life. My brother kept in contact with one of my exs and my boyfriend was in contact with his exes brother, just because they got along. I found after time that these friendships became less and less because at the end of the day, the thing really holding them together was ME. Once you and your boyfriend becaome more established in a long term relationship, you will see this relationshipo between his parents and the ex become less and less and she will also not need it anymore. She will have a new set of parents. These things take time in all new relationships. Just concnetrate on your role in this and how you can have a positive influence on everything. I know it hurts and I know it fills you with rage, but please believe me - you have the position of power now so use it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I had the same paranoia and still do about my bfs ex mainly cause he had a longer relationship with her than i ever have and i guess you always wonder in the back of your mind...despite what they tell you...anyway its just human nature i guess...but she is still friends with his mum and i'm slowly getting used to that...that it doesn't necessarily mean she will always be more important just cause she has his kid...his mum has even told me that she's glad their relationship is over because she was quite a little vixen, but now, a couple of years later, she has settled down. Doesn't mean she still doesn't want him back, but at least she's not conspicuously trying to cause trouble between me and my bf. But the fact that she calls him sometimes what seems to be all the time every two secs for every little thing does get to me and then the paranoia sets in..."what if she's deliberately trying to be inconspicuous and be in my face all the time" I feel like no matter what there will always be a third wheel and most of the time in my own relationship it feels like im the third wheel! I don't know maybe just having a whinge on here will help me deal with things cause its not going to get any easier....i'm not looking forward to the day that his kid grows up and then it'll be"what if she begins to hate me...." a whole new problem... Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Thanks, Melinda. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's dealing with it. If they had kids together, I would understand a bit better. I do realize they were together for at least 4 years, so obviously her and his mother forged a relationship and I don't expect it to just end. I just worry that his family will always feel more stongly about her than me and that she will try to interfere into what we have through them. He's not any more comfortable with it than I am. There's not a lot that can be done, I suppose. Just feel good to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 I've remained friends with an ex's mom. We got along very well, and even though her son and I weren't meant for each other and have no intentions of rekindling that reomance, his mother's friendship is one I treasure. She gets along just fine with his new gf and I think that we're all mature enough to handle it. Unless the mom is constantly throwing comparisons to this ex in your face or interfering with your relationship with your bf, I wouldn't give it another thought. As another poster noted, the friendship may very well die out naturally once the ex moves on to another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Hey Girlie their situation is similar. He stayed for the years he did with her probably more because of his daughter but they fought all the time and he said she made him unhappy...which raises my question "well it can't of been too bad because you still hung around" but anyway in the end he got sick of breaking up and getting back together...so even though she loved him to death he still told her it was over... So to this day she's probably still waiting for him to come back...he went out with this awful girl straight after they broke up and the ex and her clashed...the new gf deserved it because she was evil (and was really nasty to me too but that's another issue) so i don't blame her. But i'm glad that it was a couple of years since they broke up...so that by now hopefully if she still does want him back those feelings mightn't be as strong...since time sometimes fades away that kinda hurt... Most of the time I know I'm being silly, because I KNOW he doesn't love her anymore...and has no intentions of getting back with her...I just worry about silly things like..."what if in the future when his daughter is old enough to understand what's going on she decides she doesn't want to like me anymore because she fears it's not being loyal to her mother?" And "what if my bf decides what is good for his daughter is more important than his relationship or what's good for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Pat Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Hi Girlie, I am new here. I just read your problems which is written in Nov 2003. Now my concern is are you still with him now in June 2004? How are things now? Sorry I may missed out a lot of your problems as I am exploring how the whole of this web site works. Frankly speaking, I do have similar problems as yours. But it was only settled in Jan 2004. The price we paid was great. We almost divorced just married for one year. Please reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Pat Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 He had 4 ex girlfriends before me. It was this 3rd ex gave us problems. When we started dating, she would sms him in the middle of the night and asked him to "take care of yourself". What was amazing to me was she still called him "B" (short form for BABY). Not only that, she would call his sisters in law (his brother's wife which they came from the same high school) to chit chat, meantime try to dig out what he was doing and I suspect to find out who he was dating. Sometimes she would call and he picked up the phone in front of me. She asked him what he was doing. That time we were doing business paperwork. But she offered "I can come over and help you type". On top of that she tried very hard to get close to his mom. She would call very often and try to find topics to talk to his mom. Once, she even came unexpectedly as an "invited guess". Just drop in was her excuse. But in actual fact it was his mom's birthday. All this happened during our 9 months dating! But she has a current boyfriend at that time which they also just started dating. During the 9th month, after meeting me in that house, she still called him, e mail him to tell him her work frustrations (but remember she already has a boyfriend), and sms him. One day while both of us were in the car, she called and said " B, I have check through the Internet and found that you've got a car summon". Guys, do you think this ex girlfriend of his has gone a bit too much? The rest of the ex girlfriends do not do all this nonsense that a "normal" friend will do. Please share your views before I proceed to how our relationship was ruined by her. According to my boy friend and his family, they are still normal friends. Before that, they dated each other for 3 years. Same home town, same high school and same University in overseas (USA) Link to post Share on other sites
jaylow Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 I am experiencing the EXACT same thing as the first post scenario! Even the time frames and years (how long my man was with his ex). My boyfriend's Ex girlfriend works with my boy's mom. so, whenever she comes to visit us, she goes out to eat with my man's ex!!!! it bothers me immensely, along with the fact that my man still has tons of pictures of them together and of her alone. I told him once that he should get the pictures out of my storage shed and put them elswhere (or throw them away). they included pix in an album of them kissing (like 15 pix of them kissing). and a bunch of pix of her alone or them together. like 100 photos all in an album. He ended up sorting thru the album and throwing the kissing ones away, but he kept about 20 pictures of them and of her, and i cant help but wonder why he selected those to keep. also, she calls him occassionally, and it bugs me. i know she still wants him, but he says she doesnt. why does all of this bother me? also, he lived with her for 4 years in 3 different states, and doesnt want to live with me because it is the "wrong thing to do before you are married" and i guess i feel the same. i have never lived with anyone before, so i feel like they had something that he and i lack. how can i get over these feelings? and what do i do about the mom and the photographs. i can definitely relate to some of y'alls posts! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Well I'm still Friends with my EXH's Mom BUT LOL we share Little People together... however, what I'm about to say might make you feel better... *Ahem* I have ZERO interest in my EXH While I still like his Mom, I am not interested in her Son (My EX) I know it bothers his GF that I am still close to his Mom and thats to bad for her... I have tried to be cool to her the one and only time I met her, but because she feels insecure she chooses to stay away from visiting my EXH's Mom and again it's to bad for her and for the Kiddo she now shares with my EXH. Sometimes EX's are really just that... EX's there are no ulterior motives for the EXGF/BF Or EXH/W in staying in touch with extended family or people that had been important to them during the relationship... just because I divorced my Husband doesn't mean I don't like his Mom, see what I mean? I'm also on the other end of this... My BF shares 2 little people with his EXW and she is still close with his parents... BUT rather than feel insecure about this, I have met my BF's EXW AND her Mother and Father as well... while I understand that my BF's family still cares about his EXW and she for them, I also feel good to go that my BF's family understands that things didn't work out between my BF and her and they want him (my BF) to be happy and they know and see that I make him happy. I feel pretty certain that if your BF thinks your an amazing person with enough time his family will also see this in you... IF you give them the opportunity too Link to post Share on other sites
HelenofTroy Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 hi jay low, You situation is really not very optimistic. But i guess you better think 3 times or more before you marrying this guy. It seems very messy and this guy not willing to let go his past. And the past will come back and haunt you esp when you get married and its too late to solve problems. Problems should be solved before marriage. Also think he loves his ex more than he loves you as he don't want to stay with you compared with his ex. I have been the same situation as you. My advice is live with dignity. Just let him go. I tried that before and my boy friend chose me and he let go all the pictures and never befriend his ex. you have more problems and like more advice, e mail me at [email protected] I guarantee you get more hurt if you con't like this and not solving the problems. May God bless you Link to post Share on other sites
HelenofTroy Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Hi Merin, I would agree you can be friend with your ExH mom. As long as you know how to draw the line very clearly. And i am very sure you are very sensible in this. However, Situation like Pat's case, I don't think the ex girl know how to draw the line very well. Ex can come into the picture as long as they don't do things like before and let the current girl friend feel threatened or humiliated. We must learn how to love our neighbour and be considerate. my husband one of the ex still very close with his mom.Infact they are "god daughter and god mom" now. But i like her as she behaves only as friends and i don't feel threatened and insecured or pissed off. I would like to say it is very important for the role of the ex on how they behave. If not, someone will tell him to piss off man! May you have a happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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