Can I Have My Sociopathic Husband Committed?

[JustineLove]

Hi

I will try to be as brief as I can but this is a long story. First let me tell you that we are not living together. We have 2 homes. We moved to the 2nd after he was reassigned to a new duty station. I did not want to go there, but he busted up all the stuff in our home and pretty much manipulated me and the kids out. But things were so bad and our old house never sold so I moved me and the kids back. Now he is there trying to sell the house and visits about every other weekend and we have marriage counseling each week where he calls in on the speaker phone. He's only a couple hours away.

 

My husband who is an officer in the military of nearly 15 years (we have been married for 11 and now have 4 children) is definitley a sociopath. His family members are also sociopaths in my opinion. Here is why I say

this. My husband cheated on me twice over a 5 year period and lied consistently while telling me that my suspicions were paranoia and even convinced me to get on medications for the paranoia. I only found out he had cheated because when he came home from a break from his assignment overseas I felt "uncomfortable" and I had to lie to him and tell him I was treated for some VD when he broke down and admitted to the cheating in Korea and 5 years before that when I was pregnant with his first child. He did not use protection with either women. Luckily it was only a yeast infection.

 

Each time I have been pregnant he has caused me extreme amounts of stress by withholding money from me, calling me names, and just being a jerk in general.

 

The last time I was pregnant I was high risk. He was overseas and he got angry one night and proceeded to send personal information about me to everyone I knew online and even had a keylogger installed on my PC and sent those logs that included passwords, etc. As far as I know it's still being circulated. He played a big part in me loosing my income and now that I am broke he calls me a gold digger when I need money for things

like groceries and stuff for the kids. He seems to have forgotten about the things he has done to me and gets irate if I or anyone else mentions his past behavior. It seems like he's in complete denial.

 

Recently I found that he had been ordering Cialis while away from home. I also found that he rented a car and drove 800+ miles and found a

printed out pamphlet of a resort south of his residence that's guess how many miles ...yep about 400 there and 400 back. (I found these things

in his trash can where it looked like he cleaned out his car.) His explanations? The car rental company must have made a mistake on the

mileage. He rented the car because he claims he was getting his fixed for a couple of days. The Cialis that he ordered 3 times was purchased

so that he could see what it was like. He didn't say anything about it because he was embarrased ROFL. But we were not having sex much - not because I wanted to anyways. And the brochure was not his. He claims it must have been in one of the boxes from the neighbor across the

street who just moved in - they gave us some boxes when I moved out with the kids back to our home 2 hours away. There was a lot of stuff I

found that he had lied about, but those are the most profound.

 

The last child I had - I love her to bits, but she did not come through consentual sex. He constantly forces himself on he and even admitted to our marriage counselor that he got me pregnant "on purpose". That pretty much ended my modeling and career. He was jealous of all the attention I was getting according to my family. When he sent those things about me to people online I called his commander who talked to my husband who denied everything even as he was steadily emailing people. It took one of the people he contacted and our marriage counselor to confirm that I was telling the truth to get a no contact order to get him to stop.

 

I later had it lifted so he could come home for the birth of his child since he promised to behave - and did. I was fragile and scared and didnt have any family to help me. But I wish I would not have lifted that order.

 

We went on a cruise with his family when I was pregnant. The night before everyone stayed in a hotel. He wanted to have sex and I did not.

He actually got angry and was throwing stuff at me. I know his sisters heard the argument. He left and check OUT OF THE HOTEL leaving me and the kids there. I had to leave. Eventually I called his Mom who talked me into biting my tongue so the kids could enjoy the cruise. They had been waiting for so long and my husbands aunt had paid for everything, But even on the cruise he forced sex. *sigh*

 

Up until he sent the emails that helped ruin my business online I had been making as much money as him. I would pay for vacations and I was the one who bought all the groceries, movie tickets, clothes for the kids, home decor, gas, etc. He basically took care of the mortgage, car payments, insurance, and large bills. He never complained. But now that I have no income, he tells everyone in his family that I *never* contributed to the household and that I am only after his money. WTF?

He tells me I need to be making more money with my online business, but when I try to do that he acusses me of ignoring the kids! I can't win!

When I ask for a divorce, he tells me how much he loves me and doesn't want a divorce but wants to work things out, So I try to work things

out by letting him know how he has hurt me and what he is and has been doing that I find upsetting. But all he can say is how unhappy I am and

how life must suck being so unhappy and that he refuses to be unhappy. So I ask him how he can be happy when the one he supposedly loves has

been hurt by his behavior and is sad. But he has no answer of course. He cannot even apologize. He is blackmailing me that if I file for

divorce that he will sell the house, etc etc etc....and who knows what else. It's bull****.

 

I can no longer talk to his mother who before had said how he needs to be on medication just like his father. He actually got on Zoloft which

I was soooooo happy about. But now if you bring it up he claims he never took it that he just got it to shut me up (I watched him take the

pills every day for a month or two).

My youngest son has emotional issues as does my older son because of his behavior. My husband has broken no less than 4 of my laptops out of

anger over the years and each time bought me a new one. He even went through the house in a rampage turning EVERYTHING over once. but the

police could do nothing because in this state he is allowed to break his own stuff.

I don't know what to do. I'd love to work things out for the kids sake because we are much more mature now (well we SHOULD be anyway) but his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his own actions cripples our relationship. I cannot be happy knowing he's lying and possibly cheating. I don't want to have sex with someone who may be cheating (with no condom). Is this irrational for me to feel this way? What about

this situation shoudl I be all happy about? How on earth can HE be happy?

 

Oh and yeah he tells his family (mainly his mother) that I am gold digging etc and gets her to fuss at me when I let her know we don't have

money for groceries. "He's not a bottomless money pit" is what she said to me.

 

A couple weeks later after my husband told his family and our marriage couselor how *broke* he was he bought us season passes to an amusement park, bought our kids some clothes, and even bought groceries. I guess because I wasn't yelling at him - I GOT REWARDED ROFL. So I confronted his mother and let her know how her son was using her to "spank" me emotionally and how I had no respect for her now. I let her know that hurt me to know that she had such little regard for my feelings and for the kids. She said she would call me in her reply email and never did.

 

Our marriage counselor told me "I thought he was broke". I simply shrugged. He has been witness to all this emotional abuse over the years

and my husband does not realize this. When the counselor reminded him of something he had done in th past my husband interrupted him and

yelled "That **** is old why are you bring up old ****?!"

 

He honestly doesn't think that his past behavior has any signifigance on our marriage? Or is he playing head games? Can someone honestly want

to be with someone who they have hurt so badly in the past when that person says they don't want to touch them? Don't get me wrong, we can have fun - especially with the kids, but I don't want him in the same bed with me. I feel really dirty after sex and I don't like feeling that way.

I could tell him all this, but he'd just ignore it. I'm supposed to be happy because he pays all the bills I guess.

*sigh*

 

The only way to move on in this particular marriage is for him to stop ignoring my feelings and to stop lying. So far he has not expressed any interest in doing either. There is no honesty or trust in our marrige. None. Yet he thinks we are "happy"? What thef*ck is wrong with him?

 

His family seems to operate this way. So long as you are happy, they are cool. But if you have a problem, they avoid you like the plague and ignore it if they HAVE to be around you. Imagine coming to Christmas dinner with a black eye and having NO ONE ask you what happened because they KNOW what happened. Everyone just pretending like you and your black eye are not there. Now that's purely hypothetical, but that's how his family operates. I was not raised to ignore other people's feelings and to not accept responsibility for my own actions - especially when my actions hurt someone I supposedly love. I could not fathom being so self-centered as to have the nerve to have someone else get on medication to try and cover up that I was cheating because they suspected it. And even worse being a Mother and having one of my son's wive's tell me all this and simply ignore it and tell my son that he is doing the right thing - just so he's keep loving me! Yes that's what's going on here. The one and only time mu mother in law fussed at my husband years ago, he stopped talking to her for several months - maybe even a year I forgot. Ever since then she seems afraid to tell him when he's wrong. So now he claims that she supports him in his decisions which if she knew what she was supporting would be phsycotic behavior on her part.

 

Anyway, I had to vent. I'm gonna stop here because this will turn into a novel if I keep typing . I'm keeping my spirits up becaue I love my children so much. But I don't know what to do. Somehow this MFer got the upper hand and thinks his sh*t don't stink. I think he needs to be committed because his behavior is not normal. He pretends to be normal at work and in front of ppl but he has some serious issues..obviously.

 

Any advice?

[JustineLove]

Yeah, I know....it's not short. Sorry

[LakesideDream]

Sounds like a real jerk for sure. Sociopath? Could be. As to the question of having him institutionalized for being a sociopath? The answer is no. Sociopathy is not the same as insane. In fact it isn't always a bad thing. History is absolutely full of high functioning "sociopaths" .. Winston Churchill, JFK.... I could literally list 250. that's not the point. Sociopathy is a diagnosis, not a disease or defect.

 

I think what you are trying to say is that he's a phsycotic. The "bad" sociopaths are generally phsycosexual phsycopaths.

 

Sounds like you need to leave the jerk, get a divorce and start living a normal life.

[FunMike86]

How was the sex before? Maybe he was cheating because you weren't having sex. I'll prolly get flamed for this, but it is impossible for many men not to have sex for months. I know for me personally, I get really cranky and start to have depression if I don't have sex for a week. It is a fundamental biological need that men have, more so than women. Of course now that he is cheating, you shouldn't have sex with him and leave him completely. But I'm saying before, maybe his cheating started due to lack of sex in the first place.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I only read up to the part were his mother convinced you to be quiet about it all on the cruse not surprising really no matter what the bastards do seams Mommy's always willing to go to bat for them losers!

 

Look Hun you need to divorce this man and get as far away as you can! take your kids and whats left of your self esteem and just go I cant believe you have allowed him to abuse and actually rape you for this long you know its rape right?

 

Please please for you kids sake get some help find the strength and leave soon..

[SpanksTheMonkey]

How was the sex before? Maybe he was cheating because you weren't having sex. I'll prolly get flamed for this, but it is impossible for many men not to have sex for months. I know for me personally, I get really cranky and start to have depression if I don't have sex for a week. It is a fundamental biological need that men have, more so than women. Of course now that he is cheating, you shouldn't have sex with him and leave him completely. But I'm saying before, maybe his cheating started due to lack of sex in the first place.

She was preg sounds like he forced it most of the time and treated her like **** the rest of the time. Give me a break so men cant control these urges? Um yes they can thats what makes us different from the apes for Christ sake! Oh how deep the vain of its not my fault goes these days so very sad...

[JustineLove]

How was the sex before? Maybe he was cheating because you weren't having sex. I'll prolly get flamed for this, but it is impossible for many men not to have sex for months. I know for me personally, I get really cranky and start to have depression if I don't have sex for a week. It is a fundamental biological need that men have, more so than women. Of course now that he is cheating, you shouldn't have sex with him and leave him completely. But I'm saying before, maybe his cheating started due to lack of sex in the first place.

It started when I was diagnosed with cancer for a second time. I had no desire. Incidentally he claimed to our marriage counselor that he did not know I had cancer despite him taking me to the hospital and me staying there in a secluded radioactive room for 4 days right before Christmas. He even came and picked me up and brought me back home. He watched the kids alone for that time period. But he "didn;t know"

[carhill]

Document any cheating and/or abuse and report it to his commanding officer and/or JAG. He'll have fun with that. Great way to end a military career.

[JustineLove]

Document any cheating and/or abuse and report it to his commanding officer and/or JAG. He'll have fun with that. Great way to end a military career.

 

It's not that easy. This is why this is a big problem for military families. When the husband or abuser is the one bringing home the bacon and the wife and kids rely on the free healthcare and other bonuses of military life, we're not so quick to go blowing whistles. Perhaps thats why he did what he did to me to cause the great loss in income. Now he is the sole bread winner and I don't have any income or means of supporting myself.

 

The big problem is not that, but that he won't acknowledge the situation for what it is and instead blames me for it and tries to make me feel as though it's all in the past and I need to move on from it and stop bringing it up. The big problem is that instead of being a supportive and caring husband he tells me things like it's not his fault that he is successful and that I am a loser.

 

Even now I tried leveling with him on the phone He wants to get this house refinanced and says I need to be here when the appraiser comes over tomorrow. Then he cuts me off everytime I try to discuss open issues telling me to stop being so unhappy etc. But I keep trying to tell him that I cannot be happy because he is still doing the same crap that caused me to be unhappy to begin with AND keeps ignoring my feelings.

 

So I told him that when he is ready to talk about it to call me and I'll be here when the appraiser shows up...but until then he should call and cancel so he wont get charged $300. (He's anal about money so that got to him).

 

Right away he changed his tune saying "All right then what do you want to talk about? Let's talk". But even that discussion led to him complaining that I am "harassing him" by calling him on the phone. A couple months ago he actually called the police on me for that - turns out the officer had told me not to call back or I would be arrested, but the police chief said he had no right to tell me that because I have every right to call my husband on the phone unless there's a court order forbidding it.

 

So I told him that I would not let the appraiser in or I would not be home. He got pissed of course and hung up.

 

But you see there's a struggle for power here. If I have the upper hand and some sort of leverage he will listen. But I am finding more and more that it doesn't matter what I say or how I feel. He REALLY has no compassion for me and only cares about my feelings so long as theose feelings are acceptable to *him*. If my feelings are not of happiness, joy, and lots of sex then he hangs up or ignores me.

 

What kind of marriage is that? Why would he want to stay married to someone who he has to do that to? Give me some ways I can get the upper hand back this week so I can level the playing field.

 

I think I am going to go file for child support tomorrow. We don't live in the same state and I pretty much have to beg him to help with the kids financially so maybe that will wake him up. I don't have the money to file for a divorce otherwise I would. When I ask him to file for a divorce he tells me to do it knowing I cannot afford it. But yet he won't give me the money to do it either.

 

*sigh*

[carhill]

Since I can't post commercial links, you'll have to do your own research, but I know from participation on other forums that there are ways to protect yourself and the children from both financial and physical retribution when leaving a military spouse under conditions of abuse and/or infidelity. I would recommend networking with other military spouses who have been through this. It's an elephant you have to eat one day at a time. The military takes a dim view of infidelity and spousal abuse and will investigate while assisting the spouse and affected children. IMO, you're in a much better position to get help than a civilian spouse similarly affected.

 

Your life will change, no doubt. It will be hard. Frustrating. When you look in your children's eyes, know it will be better....