Became soulmates 21 years ago by death of a friend

[joderboder]

We first met at teens, I was dating someone. Him and his best friend became "FOF's" or Friends of the Family, regularly hung out at my mom's, even went on vacation with us when we had a big house. His BFF passed and our bonding began. We leaned on each other for obvious reasons. He then woke me up to the controlling man I was dating. I supported him when tragedy struck him with a genetic eye disease (he managed to get a donor and today sees fine).

 

We tried to get together on what we call 'the fateful night'. He was 10 chapters ahead of me, I loved him but was afraid to ruin the friendship. So after a night of kissing, I let him go. A 4 year friendship ended that exact way anyway, ruined.

 

Flash forward to today, 20 years later. I've tried looking for him 3 separate times that I can recall, never finding him until now. I wrote him an innocuous letter, but within 2 emails, we realized each other still had the same feelings. A dizzying amount of phone calls, emails, pledges of true, real love. Unconditional love. Soulmates. We want each other to be happy, even if it isn't with ourself. Mind you we have never been intimate, but we know we have an emotional affair.

 

I am coming off my 3rd marriage, yes 3. Same pattern of controlling men, I find those with depression and anxiety. My mom used to say "they want what you have, your happiness." I know that comes from within, but I can't see through their facade until it is too late. I have been separated for almost 2 years now. I have been doing heavy research on myself for 6 months (probably 6 therapists in my past have all failed, I've figured out more on my own), my pattern and have learned my red flags in the men I choose.

 

He is unhappily married for the last 3 years. Months before I entered the picture things got seriously worse. He, like me, is very loyal. We both have 1 child each. We seem to forego our own happiness to be loyal. In my marriage, my unhappiness finally got the better of my loyalty and I ended it.

 

His wife knew of all his past relationships, but did not know of me. I am the one that hurt too much to discuss. I know we hide truths we can't tell others because it will hurt them. On my side, very few know that thoughts of him entered my mind weekly. No one understood how I felt when I explained it. Eventually I gave up trying. He has been the silent voice of reason on my shoulder many times, in some very rough periods in my marriages, I leaned on him without him knowing.

 

Today he is trying to let his marriage end in its own right. I am trying to keep my distance, no calls, no emails, no contact. I know I fill the void his wife vacates. It's part of the reason I cut out contact. He'll peak at pictures on my FB account. I last about a month at a time and call him. He's upset knowing I am dating, it hurts and I understand that. But he has a choice and he continues to try on his marriage, so he doesn't have a say. Neither of us will try to control the other. Freedom of our own choice is the beauty in how we work. When we do speak, it is a very emotional call, from extremes of crying to the same laughter we have always had. No one understands our bond. Neither of us lets others in behind our wall. The fortress is around us, with us inside, we have no fear saying anything to each other. It's safe, neither will get upset, offended or defensive if the other disagrees. We take what as said with good intentions and helpful meaning. After all, we've endured deaths and tragedies, there isn't much else that could get worse than that.

 

Problem: I need to make the love I have had for this man for 24 years go away. Not speaking to him did not work (hello 20 years and it never went away). I work hard at stiffling it. I turn off our music. I try songs about saying goodbye, saying it is over. I don't watch the movies we like. I won't read his horoscope. I stop anything and everything associated with him. I volunteer to fill my time. Dive into my work. I now do yoga almost daily. I take dating slow, very slow. I am more emotional the few days after we speak, so I know I need to stop. Problem is, the BFF's anniversary for his death is next week. I know I need to call him, he's the only one that understands that day.

 

When does he arise in my head? All day. I have an email from my ex, I think of my BFF. I go to bed alone, I think of him. I wake up, think of him. Dream of him. I have a proud achievement, I think of him. My daughter does something funny, I think of him. So much to share, but I need to stop thinking of sharing it with him someday.

[deux ex machina]

When does he arise in my head? All day. I have an email from my ex, I think of my BFF. I go to bed alone, I think of him. I wake up, think of him. Dream of him. I have a proud achievement, I think of him. My daughter does something funny, I think of him. So much to share, but I need to stop thinking of sharing it with him someday.

 

You say you know you fill the void his wife vacates, and that is why you have wisely cut this emotional affair short.

 

What void do you believe he is filling for you?

 

It is so easy (and unfair) to romanticize someone. You get to paint a pretty picture. It never really happened, so the heart plays funny tricks - after all, the possibilities are endless.

 

But not really.

 

Soulmates. Well, the whole concept of it is not really something I can take a whole lot of stock in, as such. Not the way the term is generally used.

 

It leads to One-itis. One and Only thinking. Imagine where that leads.

 

Scarcity. This is the ONLY ONE.

 

No.

 

He sounds very special to you, no doubt.

 

There are many "soulmates" that come into our lives at certain times, and when it's time for them to go, when they have a life to live elsewhere and with others - you let them go.

 

Other beautiful one will come into your life.

You will be the beautiful one to someone else as well.

In different times, different ways, and with different people.

 

And when it's time for you to move on, you do.

 

Honor and respect what you had, but also, honor and respect where you both are at right now - in reality.

 

One of the first ways to get him out of your head might be to stop this "We" business.

I know you may not like to really know this, but "We" is currently his wife and himself.

Not you and him. That "We" served it's purpose.

 

 

His wife knew of all his past relationships, but did not know of me. I am the one that hurt too much to discuss. I know we hide truths we can't tell others because it will hurt them.

 

You don't know this. You do not know if this is why he she doesn't know.

 

See what I mean by "you can paint a pretty picture"?

 

Stop that "We" stuff. We don't know what "he" is thinking/planning.

 

 

On my side, very few know that thoughts of him entered my mind weekly. No one understood how I felt when I explained it. Eventually I gave up trying. He has been the silent voice of reason on my shoulder many times, in some very rough periods in my marriages, I leaned on him without him knowing.

 

He is on a pedestal in your mind.

 

You sound like a romantic type of woman. It is very sweet. Totally get it. But romantics really need to do a reality check every so often. Balance is the key. You can be a rational romantic. It just takes effort!

 

What we assume, and what is objectively true are two entirely different things.

 

Keep reminding yourself that where the lines are.

 

The lines between the past and now, and the lines that surround his marriage (and believe me, they do have big old lines around them - loads of things in that marriage you won't know about - it's theirs, and their alone).

 

I hope you find that beautiful one to make some new history with very soon.

 

*hugs*