Addison Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 About 3 months ago I went to work and the new class from orientation was being trained. I met this guy named Wesley and I thought he was the greatest thing ever. We instantly connected and I knew that I had made a friend. The next day I discovered that he was married to another girl that worked there with us. Which at the time didn't change anything because I just thought he was a great guy to hang out with and talk to. But a few days later I got transfered to his department to help train him. And from there, things have just gotten out of hand. He very quickly became my best friend. There's just something about him that makes me so comfortable. There's not anything in this world I wouldn't tell him or discuss with him. But a few weeks into our friendship I started feeling like he might want more. I was scared because I was feeling the same way. And you don't have to tell me that having an affair with a married man is wrong, because I know. I'm a very religious person and not only was my morals telling me that it was the absolute worst idea in the world, I was also friends with his wife and couldn't imagine doing something like that to her. So the first time he mentioned his feelings to me, I just laughed and played it off. But the more time we spent together, the stronger both of our feelings got and before I knew it, I was actually considering doing this. At the time I was still with my boyfriend and I felt so guilty for even having the feelings. But then once he broke up with me, I didn't even have that to hold me back anymore. Wesley calls everyday when we're not at work and sends me the sweetest msgs. I shouldn't even respect him for wanting to do this to his wife, but the worst part is that I still wanna be with him anyways. What I want to know, is what do I do??? I mean, obviously I shouldn't have the affair with him and the best thing would be to just walk away before things get worse. But I have all these feelings for him and I can't imagine not having him around as my best friend. I just don't know how to seperate the two. I know that I'm not the type of person to have an affair so I won't sleep with him no matter how bad I want to. (I hope) I just need some insight on how I'm supposed to do this and still be at work with him everyday feeling the way I do. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I just need some insight on how I'm supposed to do this and still be at work with him everyday feeling the way I do. Addison, you're doing the right thing in fighting your desires. It would be horrible if you and the married guy (MG) become involved beyond friendship. First, the MG's wife works with you both. She's not stupid. She will find out either on her own or somebody will tell her. The fireworks will be tremendous. You'll lose two friends: MG and his wife. Second, you'll develop a reputation at work as a home wrecker, the evil "other woman." Life is unfair: you'll be criticized more harshly than MG. You'll lose your reputation and quite possibly your job if things spin out of control at work. Most employers have little patience for this type of thing--especially when worker morale and productivity are both undermined. And they will be. Last, it's not worth it. There are thousands of soul mates out there for you. I would limit all contact with MG to the work minimum. I'd make new friends or recharge old friendships. You have to get your mind off this guy. Don't go any deeper or else you may drown. Good luck, girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Addison, I would suggest you scroll around to find the threads Bark has started on this very subject. You will find he has great wisdom.....and is giving you great advice. Anyone who has ever been involved in an affair....including myself....will tell you to RUN....AND DON'T LOOK BACK! Nothing you are feeling now will even come close to how you will feel when the affair is over. Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Nothing you are feeling now will even come close to how you will feel when the affair is over. Truer words have never been written. Link to post Share on other sites
Desert Wind Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Don't do it. If he loves you, ask him to settle his issues at home first. Go visit other Forums about infidelity and you will see just how much those betrayed are suffering when their unfaithful spouse cheated on them and lying to their Other Woman/Man too. Hopefully these warning will steer you off your interest as I don’t wish to see you hurt in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Addison Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 Thanks everyone. I mean, I know thats it wrong and I can't let it happen... its just that sometimes it seems like it could be so right. But yeah, I guess I do need to just end everything before it goes too far. Maybe I can get trasnferred again. I'll figure something out I guess. I already knew the answer, but finally being able to tell someone makes it better. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Listen, Addison, anytime you feel your resolve weakening start a thread or pm one of us. Believe me, you're saving yourself and others a ton of heartache by nipping this in the bud. If only I had had LoveShack when I embarked on my disastrous affair. Keep it together. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 An affair is bad enough...but in the workplace????? I guess it's pretty efficient...you can screw up your home life, career and several friendships with just one act... If you MUST have an affair, have it be with someone who won't be in your face or your life after the fun is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Addison Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 He just called me from home while his wife was out with his sister. We talked about the holidays and what we were each going to be doing. He kept telling me that I should just come over and hang out with him while his wife is out of town Friday. I said no like a good little girl, but its so enticing. Maybe thats what its all about, not about the feelings I have for him but maybe the excitement that it brings? Either way his wife would be hurt and I have a feeling, I probably would be too in the end. Don't you think that its still bad enough that we even talk about it? I mean, thats cheating in itself to me. Thats it, I'm going to hell. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Maybe thats what its all about, not about the feelings I have for him but maybe the excitement that it brings? Addison, your feelings are not unusual. Affairs have been described as the cocaine of romance--and the initial rush is powerful. But once this rush ends,and you're no longer hooked on the cocktail of hormones, endorphins and adrenaline, the affair ends. Although we like to think otherwise, an affair is vulnerable to the same forces as all other normal relationships: affairs end. And when they end, and they inevitably do, you will have to pick up the pieces of your life, alone. This man is married, he is a relationship dead end. Don't sacrifice the best years of your life playing the "other woman"--always at his beck and call when the wife is away. But when the wife is home, you're invisible. Don't be a sexual back-up. If you want excitement, go on a singles cruise or take up internet dating. Don't just be a fill-in when the wife is away. You deserve more, and so does she. Link to post Share on other sites
moonspinner Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 What I want to know, is what do I do??? I mean, obviously I shouldn't have the affair with him and the best thing would be to just walk away before things get worse. How right you are! Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Amberlyn Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Originally posted by Addison I know that I'm not the type of person to have an affair so I won't sleep with him no matter how bad I want to. (I hope) Listen to the others - this is all great advice. As for the sentence I just quoted, that is bothersome to me. Either you won't sleep with him, or you HOPE you won't sleep with him. If you are being honest with yourself and don't want to break up his marriage and get your own heart broken, then rule it out as an option. When it comes to the temptation of sleeping with him, just KNOW that you CAN'T do it. It's impossible. In your mind make it like changing your race, or the length of your right arm. It's just not something that's feasible. Once you get that through your head, it's easier not to fight with yourself about it, because you already know the only possible outcome. Thinking like that, once you master it, can be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Originally posted by Addison Don't you think that its still bad enough that we even talk about it? I mean, thats cheating in itself to me. Thats it, I'm going to hell. It's not bad that you talk about it. That way you can make your position 100% clear. You aren't going to sleep with him. If you feel tempted too, try pretending he has AIDS or the flu, and you really don't want to catch it. BTW, you are NOT going to hell. Thoughts are not a sin, unless you specifically focus your mind to repeat these thoughts, i.e. "Wow that girl is hot!" = not a sin, "Wow that married girl is hot! Let me try to picture myself seducing her" = sin. At least, that's what a priest once told me. But if the religious aspect is what's bothering you, I'd encourage you to talk this over with a pastor, rabbi, etc. They'll also be able to offer you support for your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
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