pain that never wants to end

[a little girl]

Recently i spent a long weekend on a "vacation" with my mother who I believe abused me when I was a child. When I got back I shared this with my therapist and somehow in the process of discussing it got very triggered. Since then, it's been 2 weeks I've been SUFFERING. I've been feeling very depressed, sad, often suicidal. I'm in my 40's and have been working on recovery from childhood abuse (all the types) for the last 20 years of my life. I can't seem to get a break. This whole last year I've been on an emotional roller coaster that I can't seem to get off of. My family (brothers and sisters think I'm full of **** and that I was never abused - because they never were, apparently). My mother likes to ever so "subtley" remind me "who's in charge" and how I'm supposed to spend the rest of my days staying silent "for the family". I've been diagnosed with a variety of mental health illnesses and consider myself schizophrenic based on my experiences. I don't know whether I will ever find the light or healing at the end of the tunnel - like I said I've been waiting for 20 years! During this time I've done a multitude of things to try and help myself, always in therapy, religion, AA, Al-anon, you name it I've done it. And I still can't find any joy or peace in life. I am miserable. I can't seem to forgive and let go as i'm constantly reminded how much I hurt and how angry I am at my mother and the other abusers in my life. I just want to know when will this all end? I've prayed for God to release me from this hell as I just can't take it anymore. For 2 weeks, day in and out my stomach felt like a hard rock from the pain. I just am beside myself, have motivation for hardly nothing and consequently I'm always tired and depressed. Any one have any solutions? I'm just "a little girl" who needs some love and understanding. Anything will help.

[Nightsky]

Find something to be optimistic about and focus on that. Take each day one at a time and live in the moment not in the past.

[hoping2heal]

OP, I think the fact that you are being continually invalidated is one of the root causes of your unhappiness and pain. Everyone around you is invalidating your suffering and pain, I know what that feels like. My own mother went into her own form of denial and has invalidated my abuse because she cannot handle the concept and horror of what has happened to me, so just like my psychological defenses kicked in to "protect me" at the time, hers did also and now she is in denial. It hurt me immensely to realise none of my immediate family "had my back" but it's something I've learned to accept and no longer hold that expectation of them and because of that; I am also no longer dissapointed that I don't get that.

 

Don't ever let anyone shut you up. I did for 20 years thinking my "secrets" would tear the family apart. Guess what? They were not my secrets; they were my abusers secrets and I let the truth fly and make people squirm, uncomfortable, and knocked them off their guards. I don't care, I didn't ask to be abused and once I made the decision to heal, no one was going to shut me up, not this time and never again. Never again would I let anyone intimidate me into being quiet, protecting my abusers' reputations, or "the family" because I didn't do ANY of this.

 

Don't listen to your family, you don't have to live in the closet and carry shame any longer. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I tell you what- when I started coming forward with my abuse, notified the parties involved, and filed a police statement, I finally got peace in my life because for once I was living the truth instead of living a lie and that's when I really knew I had nothing to be ashamed of, my abuser's did.

[a little girl]

thanks so much for validating my feelings and what I went through. I really appreciate the courage you shared and the hope that you gave me. I hope I can get to the point where you are. thank you again just for reading my thread and writing me. I feel someone has listened.

[Angel1111]

It's very sad that you were abused as a child but do you realize that by continuing to focus on it in your adulthood that you're prolonging the abuse, and that it's still controlling and ruining your life? It seems that so much of your time is taken up by focusing on this issue of abuse. Why not just say, "Yes, I was abused. Yes, it hurt me. And now it's time to move on." The end. Drop this whole issue, forgive them for what they did in the sense that you let it go, then move far, far away from these people if that's what it takes, and get your life back. By not forgiving the people or person who abused you, by not letting it go, you're only hurting yourself, not them.

 

As someone once said, "Refusing to forgive someone is like swalllowing poison and expecting the other person to die." Read it again because that's what you're doing. All you're doing is poisoning your own life. Walk away from this crap and find some happiness.