Look who's back

[sm0ked]

I posted here a while ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t183652/

 

It was a rough time. Well, last week he finally got in touch, on a site I use regularly which he doesn't. Not sure why he chose it.

His first line was a link to something we're both fans of. Second said how I should have known he would talk to me again hence not deleting me on friend lists. The last was a simple explanation for the silence, saying how he had needed a lot more space than before (xmas) and couldn't see things working out between us if we kept going as we were, and if I wanted to talk then I knew how to find him, if not then he would disappear if that's what I want.

 

So, okay, impersonal but the gesture is something in itself, I get that. He has full time work over there still, not sure if/when he can return home. Anyway he's spoken to me on MSN a few times since I replied to him via IM last week, casual talk, but regular. I haven't initiated talks, feels too soon, and if you read the old thread you'll see why I'm reluctant to start showing interest! Look where it got me before. Plus he hadn't spoken in months, so it feels like his place to lead the pace, as he once did.

 

He did mention again in the first chat how we'd "definitely needed space", but I knee-jerk reacted telling him it was too soon to talk about those things. Sure I kinda get it, I had been dangerously clingy and rant-y at him before he stopped talking to me, previous thread explains this, but 6 months? That's more than space as far as I'm concerned. If anything it almost seems like he changed his mind about not talking, but who knows.

Space always sounds like an excuse to me, so I'm having a hard time understanding. Not to mention he sucks at communicating without vagueness so oh joy that'll be fun.

 

I think the reason I'm posting is well, I'm afraid of hoping for something more than friendship again in case I'm wrong. I know I shouldn't hope, and I shouldn't read into things, but old habits die hard, right? And even if I'm wrong to hope, I want a chance at putting things right if that's where this might go, which I don't know yet. No clue what's going on in his head. Feels possible, like I somehow believed for all those months he would come back.

 

Like many people, I've been messed around in the past. This guy used to be someone I entirely trusted and was free with, now I'm kinda nervous, getting used to talking to him. It feels great talking, like old days, but there's all the crap to wade through, at some point anyway. I don't even know everything that I'm feeling, just that how I feel about him hasn't changed. Surely I should be more angry or something?

 

So, any tips on how to deal with and approach things, or just... anything... would be a big help. I don't want to be angry about something I can't change, but at the same time I don't want to seem like it was no big deal, surely?

 

Please don't say "You can do better". I know I can. If only it were that simple.

[Lucky_One]

Does he need money or a sponsor to get back to the UK from China?

 

In a nutshell, you were friends with this guy. He got deported. You started "dating" online after he was deported. He said you were too serious, and he wanted space. He deleted you off some things but not off others. He took 6 months to contact you again.

 

WHY are you talking with him now?

[sm0ked]

Money, then a few months with the right amount before applying to come home. I don't know what's happening with that, but I expect he wants to come home.

 

I know. I know. I don't get why it took so long. I'm talking to him because like I say, I still have the same feelings for him. We were good before all this crap started, and I still want that future. As of yet I don't know what he wants, and like I say I don't want to just pave over what happened but I admit I do want him in my life. But I'm not being silly, I'm not gonna pave over what he did, and he's not yet said he missed me or apologised so that's not entirely helping. Again, we haven't talked tonnes though. I'm just going with the flow.

 

Also, I did a similar thing to him once before we were "dating". Four months no contact, but it isn't really the same I guess.

[KikiW]

He has made NO effort in this relationship. You cannot point to his lame contacts with you as effort. They are LAME. He wants something from you and it's NOT a relationship... money? a fun little mind-game while he is bored?

 

Get away from this. People who love you do not treat you this way. Block this one, do not get reeled back in.

[sm0ked]

He's made a lot of effort actually, throughout the relationship and before it. This is why the whole not talking thing was such a shock and hard to deal with, and he really didn't need to talk to me again. There's nothing money wise to gain and mind-game wise, that was the kind of drama he was fleeing from so doubt it.

 

But I'm not looking for people to tell me what to do here, and I've already said I'm not being silly, I know what he did was bad, I went through it so I know. It wouldn't make me happy just cutting contact, simply. Call me idealistic, but I'd rather see it as a bad circumstance with his childish idiocy and the whole circumstances, and give things a chance, else I'll always wonder "what the heck if". I don't intend to make all the effort, and already proved myself the more stubborn of us two by not approaching him these last few months.

 

I'm playing this by ear and going with the flow, trying to reconcile with someone who was at least a close friend for a long time. If things turn to more that'll be down to two things, him and whether he can mend all those bridges despite what he's done.

 

So in the meantime, again, it'd be nice if people had some ideas on pacing things, or avoiding the urge to tear him a new one when it won't help matters.

[Lovin a scrapper]

It never ceases to amaze me that when someone posts on here asking for advice and get answers that they dont want to hear they go into a such a defensive posture and get offended.

 

Why even ask? You are going to do whatever you want anyway.

[hoping2heal]

You say you know you can do better, but you don't. If I could own 20 dollars instead of 10 I wouldn't choose ten and say "Well, I know I could have 20 dollars, but I'm choosing to just have ten instead."

 

You are trying to make a circle into a square, you are attributing any and every possible little scrape and shred of action and hoping it will amount to something concrete. I agree he does not sound like he cares about you much beyond an after thought and you can keep chasing rainbows if you like, but it will not change the outcome. What do you mean by you need to do this so you don't wonder "what the heck if?" You already know what the heck if, you've lived it. He needed space and dissapeared for 6 months and it didn't bother him in the slightest. So, it's not as if you don't know what would happen, you just refuse to accept it and are trying to rewrite the story of you and him, the only problem is the only willing participant in that task is you.

[KikiW]

He's made a lot of effort actually, throughout the relationship and before it.

 

That was then, this is after he disappeared for 6 months, stopped talking to you, and has yet to even APOLOGIZE FOR IT. He has made NO EFFORT to make amends or provide a reasonable explanation for his heartless cruelty, and you are actually contemplating "seeing where this goes"??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

This is why the whole not talking thing was such a shock and hard to deal with, and he really didn't need to talk to me again. There's nothing money wise to gain and mind-game wise, that was the kind of drama he was fleeing from so doubt it.

 

If that is true, then the only logical explanation is that YOU are the source of a good deal of the drama he is fleeing. People do not flee from sources of strength and stability.

 

If that is the case, you two are doomed from the start. Unless you have undergone some radical change where you have turned from a high-drama queen to a laid-back peacenik (which, let's face it, it's highly unlikely anyone can make such a huge about-face with their base personality), then you are simply going to drive him away again eventually.

 

But I'm not looking for people to tell me what to do here, and I've already said I'm not being silly, I know what he did was bad, I went through it so I know. It wouldn't make me happy just cutting contact, simply. Call me idealistic, but I'd rather see it as a bad circumstance with his childish idiocy and the whole circumstances, and give things a chance, else I'll always wonder "what the heck if". I don't intend to make all the effort, and already proved myself the more stubborn of us two by not approaching him these last few months.

 

I'm playing this by ear and going with the flow, trying to reconcile with someone who was at least a close friend for a long time. If things turn to more that'll be down to two things, him and whether he can mend all those bridges despite what he's done.

 

So in the meantime, again, it'd be nice if people had some ideas on pacing things, or avoiding the urge to tear him a new one when it won't help matters.

 

You are asking for advice, but it's not the advice you want to hear. You want advice on how to make everything easy and hunky-dorey. You want advice on how to put the blinders on and ignore the bad stuff (or, if you'd prefer, how to "let bygones be bygones" since that sounds a lot better).

 

Well, sorry, I can't just sit here and whisper in your ear how to play this kind of game. I am a woman who deserves respect and the courtesy of a man who has the balls to end a relationship rather than run away and play this "blocked her here, but not HERE so she can see what I am up to!" game. And I would never suffer such a man to enter my life again.

 

Don't worry though, I've said my piece and won't comment any further.

[sm0ked]

Sorry the quote feature is a bit out of the norm for me.

 

Yeah that was back then, I know things have changed, I'm painfully aware of the fact. I've stated several times that I'm not about to let everything slide, but it's early days and I'm stating how I FEEL to strangers - NOT to the guy himself. He shan't be getting an ounce from me unless miracle happens, and at least an apology. I've mentioned this repeatedly. Also, as for not making amends, believe me when I say the very gesture itself would have cost some of his pride. But apology is important for sure.

 

I simply want some thoughts on how to keep a happy balance between ripping his face off and being plain nice.

 

"People do not flee from sources of strength and stability."

Mhm. I already stated that at the time I was not a source of stability. Things got difficult once he got over there, and past demons played with my clingy side, also partly due to medication for pesty operation I had. I've said I was part of the equation, not the cause but not 100% free from blame. We had conflicts since deportation. I was laid back before he was deported. + let's just say I've had time to deal with my issues, or at least recognise them, which is all I can say for certain.

 

"You are asking for advice, but it's not the advice you want to hear."

I'm not even hearing the sort of advice I was looking for, that's the reason for that. I've only heard bitter-sounding comments about what I should do. :S

 

But yes I understand what you mean, and I appreciate that you resent this sort of behaviour in men as I do, but I should emphasize that he's NEVER blocked me. Sorry that you went through that, really. I was in a similar relationship before this guy, where mind-games were practically my life for almost two years, but this guy just doesn't tick that way, however cruel he was ignoring me. If he avoids someone, he just avoids. Not talking is not the same as blocking or mind playing. But I don't pretend to know his mind, and he's not off scott free.

 

Uh. I don't think comparing people to cash is an appropriate comparison but anyways.

 

As for being "the only participant", I stated already that he's the one who made everything happen. Draw your own conclusions if you like -can't help that- but that's how it was. We're in sh***y circumstances, and I agree he's been a right sod, he's not issue-free himself, but I do not want to cut contact if there is a chance we can at least be friends again.

As I just mentioned cutting ties would make me feel worse in the long run. I KNOW this because I've been in a vaguely similar situation and I was the one who told that guy to walk under a bus. If I'm ready to cut ties I do, but I'm not and I would like to salvage at least a friendship. That's that. I'm not some abused little housewife here.

 

I have no clue what this guy is thinking, I'm simply looking for words on and I repeat "pacing things, or avoiding the urge to tear him a new one when it won't help matters".

 

Asking for advice doesn't have to mean I do what other people want, or like the tone they take with me, though I appreciate some of what's been said. But last I checked this is a public forum and I thought my question was pretty clear but apparently not.

 

Scrapper, nice that your life is so great you want to come in here making people feel crap with throwaway comments like that when they're probably already feeling rather fragile. Really fabulous.

[hoping2heal]

 

Uh. I don't think comparing people to cash is an appropriate comparison but anyways.

 

Used that because it's universal, everyone feels that a 20 dollar bill holds more value than a 10 dollar bill. Had I used car models, houses, etc. It would be up to "preference" which was actually better. So wasn't comparing people to cash

 

As for being "the only participant", I stated already that he's the one who made everything happen.

 

He hasn't made anything happen, he pmd you out of the blue. Probably bored and no one else was around, so he decides to see what you're up to, from what you've written he's made no attempt to reconcile the rude and hurtful behavior he flung your way, nor do I see any reason to believe he won't "dissapear" again, when it's convinient for him (life picks up, gets bored with you, etc.).

 

 

 

Draw your own conclusions if you like -can't help that- but that's how it was. We're in sh***y circumstances, and I agree he's been a right sod, he's not issue-free himself, but I do not want to cut contact if there is a chance we can at least be friends again.

 

Do you ever stop and think to yourself "why?" I.e "Why do I want to be friends with this person?" I think you are hoping for more along the romantic bit, but let's take your notion of friendship; what quality has this man posessed in the last 6+ months that makes him valuable or suitable as someone you would trust and call friend? You need to ask yourself that. I'm also not sure what "****ty circumstances" has to do with anything, he did a ****ty thing to you by choice; that is will not circumstance.

 

As I just mentioned cutting ties would make me feel worse in the long run.

 

 

Are you sure about that? Because I think quite frankly, staying in the life of someone you project great value on, who has not earned it nor lived up to it, and most importantly does not have a mutual feeling of that concerning you, might actually make you feel foolish "in the long run".

 

 

 

I have no clue what this guy is thinking, I'm simply looking for words on and I repeat "pacing things, or avoiding the urge to tear him a new one when it won't help matters".

 

Asking for advice doesn't have to mean I do what other people want, or like the tone they take with me, though I appreciate some of what's been said. But last I checked this is a public forum and I thought my question was pretty clear but apparently not.

 

No, you do not have to do what anyone tells you to do. I think you have a misguided belief that we are all here to make you feel bad or "dog you". We aren't, people are responding to you as they are in the same way you might notice a deaf and blind woman walking head on into rush hour traffic because her dog has run off. People are concerned and worried for you, that is why we advise you and bring up the points that we do.

 

HOWEVER, to answer your "Specific question" There's nothing I can tell you becasue quite frankly, I wouldn't know how to even begin advising someone how to not be angry with someone who is hurtful and flippant towards that person with no real heir of apology. You have a right to feel wronged, and angry and hurt for his actions but you know that should you approach him with that anger, he is probably going to dissapear again; which means he is not at all invested in neither a relationship or a friendship with you. So you are willing to invalidate and supress all your emotions, and your needs for this one man who couldn't really give a hoot about you. That should be your wake up call

[Lovin a scrapper]

Scrapper, nice that your life is so great you want to come in here making people feel crap with throwaway comments like that when they're probably already feeling rather fragile. Really fabulous.

 

No, I dont come in here with the intent on making people feel like crap. Sorry if the truth is harsh.

 

Yes, my life is great and one of the reasons is because I dont put up with people who leave me out to dry for 6 months.

 

I love Rayette more than life itself but if she no contacted me even for a week (given the fact we are in constant contact all of the time) then she is taking the train and I guarantee it would be the same if I did that to her.

[Rollercoasterr]

It never ceases to amaze me that when someone posts on here asking for advice and get answers that they dont want to hear they go into a such a defensive posture and get offended.

 

Why even ask? You are going to do whatever you want anyway.

 

And I didn't even have to post that first! You're startin to sound a bit like me! maybe that's why you're like my favorite person ever. I mean, besides my honey bunny.

 

But really. I completely agree. When people post things like this it makes me wonder why. You already know what people are going to say. Its a stupid, stupid decision and you're insane for getting back into this. But yet you still do and then get defensive. Don't like the truth? Sorry. You won't get much of anything else from the seasoned posters here who have seen others go through the same thing, and that have been here when your story first unfolded. You might as well get over that.

[KikiW]

I second what Hoping posted. I thought I had made it apparent that I cannot give you the advice you are looking for because this person should have no right to enter your life, let alone you trying to find ways not to be mad at him for things he is clearly worth being mad at over.

 

I apologize if I said he had blocked you from some things when he hadn't, I thought I had read that he disengaged from certain avenues and left others open. Believe it or not, I have never actually had a guy pull that kind of behavior with me - because I pulled the plug on the relationship long before it got to that kind of drama. Sorry if you felt I came off bitter - it wasn't bitterness, it was "I don't put up with bullsh*t from people who act like @$$holes."

 

My life is way too short and my heart is way too precious to let someone toy around with it. If you are so cut by the realistic remarks of anonymous people on a message board, I fear you are in a very vulnerable state and this guy is gonna end up doing another number on you.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[Bearandsue]

To me it sounds like smoked already made up her mind about going back to this guy.

 

My question is, what advice are you seeking here? Do you want everybody to give their honest opinion on the situation or do you want some sugar coated reassurance that you are doing the right thing?

 

The people on here don't really know you other than the information you give and based on that they will give their opinions. I don't think anyone is attacking you. They are just not telling you what you want to hear.

 

My advice: if you have already made up your mind what is the point of asking advice on what you should do? If you are not sure about what to do then why not listen to other people who can give an objective point of view.

[sm0ked]

Not sugar coated, more like specific to my original question. It's fine though, people's opinions are interesting to hear, not disputing that. It does sink in, I promise, or it at least makes me think things through.[hoping2heal wrote some good points I'll be thinking about]

 

And no, not cut by the remarks but like I said I'm experienced in this area and have also "cut the plug" before when needs must. Sorry, I always come across as defensive or aggressive that's just my manner, so I'll just quit replying after this.

 

Last thing I'll say is that I'm very aware what this guy did was cruel, and he's not even begun to handle it. So perhaps this whole thread is mute and there's no chance of things going that way anyhow, because like I say it'd take a lot more than simply popping back up in my life. I am pissed that he hasn't shown any humility or let me know why he's even in touch again.

 

I'd sure like to give him a piece of my mind but admittedly, I'm reluctant for several reasons. So for now I'm simply letting him talk, that's all.

[ryumizu]

First of all I don't get why everyone has jumped on the bandwagon? The OP made it clear that she didn't want to be told that she could do better. When are relationships ever about that?

 

I don;t think anyone on here can honestly say that they haven't held a candle for someone, so why bully the OP for doing the same thing?

 

Things might work out for her, obviously this guy till cares, he wouldn't have said anything if he didn't. And for the person that said its cos he was bored....why would he talk about the distance ? o.o doesn't add up.

[TMichaels]

First of all I don't get why everyone has jumped on the bandwagon? The OP made it clear that she didn't want to be told that she could do better. When are relationships ever about that?

 

Um, sorry to disagree with you ryumizu, but HEALTHY relationships ARE EXACTLY all about that.

 

I don;t think anyone on here can honestly say that they haven't held a candle for someone, so why bully the OP for doing the same thing?

 

Yep, most here *have* held a candle for someone which is exactly why others are giving sm0ked the kind of advice they have. If you beg to differ with what has been said ryumizu, why didn't *you* offer some advice of your own?

 

Things might work out for her, obviously this guy till cares, he wouldn't have said anything if he didn't. And for the person that said its cos he was bored....why would he talk about the distance ? o.o doesn't add up.

 

ryumizu, have you read the original thread sm0ked posted? Not much about this whole relationship adds up if you want to get technical.

 

Do you understand SM0KED AND THIS GUY HAVE NEVER EVEN MET even though they lived 10 minutes away from each other? In the meantime, he's been deported back to China and all this drama has continued to take place online.

 

Why did he disappear for six months? Ostensibly, because he was tired and frustrated in dealing with the "mixed signals" he had been getting from her and was fed up with the hassle.

 

sm0ked admits she "has issues" about expressing her real feelings, talks in riddles in order not to let people get close and would probably benefit from counseling to get at the root of all that. One minute she was looking into local counseling options to sort out her head, and the next minute... "The therapy thing would make me feel pathetic, and I'd worry I'll be judged for falling for a guy I've never met..."

 

So, what has she done during the six months of silence from this guy to get her life in order? Nothing. She continues to ignore her true feelings or face up to the fact it's perfectly okay to "be real."

 

Don't believe me? Here's sm0ked's dilemma in her own words: ...it'd be nice if people had some ideas on pacing things, or avoiding the urge to tear him a new one..."

 

What others have been trying to tell her is that it is perfectly *okay* to tell this guy to take a hike if that's how she feels. But, she doesn't want to do that or hear anyone even suggest it. Instead, she wants to stay aloof, "pace things," and continue to harbor a secret grudge because "the guy hasn't apologized." IOW, she wants others to enable her in continuing to repress her own needs or feelings. Any wonder why she's so miserable or why people have reacted in the way they have?

 

And to your point: Does all this add up as a healthy and mature relationship that has potential to you?

 

I have no idea if the guy bored, interested, or has issues of his own that make being involved such drama irresitable. Maybe he feels sorry for her, who knows?

 

However, though we're only privvy to one side of the story, TBH, it's hard not to think the guy has a lot of guts to get in touch with her again.

 

One thing is for sure, until sm0ked comes to grips with the fact that she needs to sort out her own issues and quit blaming others for her misery or lack of understanding, she's destined to travel the same road over and over, again.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Lovin a scrapper]

TMichaels......perfect reply. I want to pile on but cannot find a crack to go through here. You have said it all.

[Island Girl]

Space always sounds like an excuse to me, so I'm having a hard time understanding. Not to mention he sucks at communicating without vagueness so oh joy that'll be fun.

 

Space is an excuse.

 

He sucks at communicating - quite obviously.

And you are reluctant to even address the fact that he has been such a schmuck which should have been the first order of business.

 

Honestly you want to keep talking to him and will find any excuse to do so.

Those here who tell you, correctly I may add, that you should not be talking to someone who discarded you and shut down the way he did are met with a wall simply because you don't want to hear that.

 

You do know that what he did - shutting down and not talking to you - is abusive. The "silent treatment" is passive aggressive and abusive. Any counselor will tell you that.

People here will not encourage you to do something so obviously wrong.

 

If someone came here who was being physically abused but wanted to know how best to interact with her abuser - you would tell her she needs to leave. Any rational person would and would ignore the request of "I just came here for advice on making the situation better" and advise the end of such a relationship.

 

So, okay, impersonal but the gesture is something in itself, I get that. He has full time work over there still, not sure if/when he can return home. Anyway he's spoken to me on MSN a few times since I replied to him via IM last week, casual talk, but regular. I haven't initiated talks, feels too soon, and if you read the old thread you'll see why I'm reluctant to start showing interest! Look where it got me before. Plus he hadn't spoken in months, so it feels like his place to lead the pace, as he once did.

 

But you say:

So in the meantime, again, it'd be nice if people had some ideas on pacing things, or avoiding the urge to tear him a new one when it won't help matters.

 

You talking to him at all means he doesn't have to own up to his treatment of you and he doesn't have to apologize.

 

You asked specifically for advice on how to pace this whole situation -- but you state quite clearly that you believe he should set the pace.

Honey you are talking out both sides of your mouth.

When people do this they are justifying. And that is what you are doing - you want to be in contact.

 

I'm afraid of hoping for something more than friendship again in case I'm wrong.

 

You are hoping for more than friendship. And anyone hoping for more than a friendship can not be friends with that person in question. This is a hard line straight across the board ---- even IF he hadn't been such a jackass.

 

But he has been quite a live one, hasn't he? I'm not even friends with someone like that --- someone who could do that or would - and IF one of my friends did that they wouldn't be my friend anymore - ever.

 

I know I shouldn't hope, and I shouldn't read into things, but old habits die hard, right? And even if I'm wrong to hope, I want a chance at putting things right if that's where this might go, which I don't know yet. No clue what's going on in his head. Feels possible, like I somehow believed for all those months he would come back.

 

Even if you ever did manage to put things back - you will be even more insecure and clingy in this relationship because he LEFT IT -- He walked on you and didn't work things out.

 

You will be afraid of this. And because of that you will not share your feelings with him that may trigger his anger, etc.

 

You are already showing this because you don't even want to confront him about the last 6 months RIGHT NOW.

 

This relationship is bad really bad news for you. As a friendship it is bad news. As a romance it is even worse.

 

I don't even know everything that I'm feeling, just that how I feel about him hasn't changed. Surely I should be more angry or something?

 

Yes. You should be more angry. But you are making excuses instead. You are over the moon that he contacted you and so hopeful that everything will fall back into place --- but that relationship was so long ago.

Things went bad - and they continue to be even now - but you are willing to jump back in.

 

Please don't say "You can do better". I know I can. If only it were that simple.

 

Obviously you know you can do better.

 

What is in question is why you are willing to settle for so much less. And KNOWINGLY SO.

 

I'm talking to him because like I say, I still have the same feelings for him. We were good before all this crap started, and I still want that future. As of yet I don't know what he wants, and like I say I don't want to just pave over what happened but I admit I do want him in my life.

 

In the beginning relationships are always good aren't they??

 

Problems happen and people do things or say things - a lot of times those decisions and words are very very bad - and those decisions can very well lead to the end. (They usually do - and rightfully so.)

When that happens no one can ever go back to the beginning BEFORE all of that. Even in marriages it is impossible.

 

A new relationship must be forged and in most cases this is an impossibility as well.

 

But I'm not being silly, I'm not gonna pave over what he did, and he's not yet said he missed me or apologised so that's not entirely helping. Again, we haven't talked tonnes though. I'm just going with the flow.

 

As you said you expect him to set the pace. And you are going along with that - not holding him accountable - letting it just pass until when? Until HE decides to broach the subject? Then what will you say? Will you say what you truly feel? I don't think so. You will not be confrontational - you will not emphatically state your opinion about this or anything else because you will be worried about him retreating again.

Does that sound like you can renew and rebuild? No. You can't without honesty and mutual respect.

He has shown he doesn't respect you and you can't be honest with him. (Not to mention the fact that he sucks at communicating in the first place)

 

He's made a lot of effort actually, throughout the relationship and before it. This is why the whole not talking thing was such a shock and hard to deal with, and he really didn't need to talk to me again.

 

Everyone makes effort in the beginning. Again you are trying to justify talking to him now.

 

What matters is that he shut down. He quit on you. He quit on the relationship.

You say you were clingy - and he did the worst thing he can do to address that. He made you even more insecure about where you stand and how to behave. That is not a recipe for success.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah that was back then, I know things have changed, I'm painfully aware of the fact. I've stated several times that I'm not about to let everything slide, but it's early days and I'm stating how I FEEL to strangers - NOT to the guy himself. He shan't be getting an ounce from me unless miracle happens, and at least an apology. I've mentioned this repeatedly. Also, as for not making amends, believe me when I say the very gesture itself would have cost some of his pride. But apology is important for sure.

 

I simply want some thoughts on how to keep a happy balance between ripping his face off and being plain nice.

 

I'm not even hearing the sort of advice I was looking for, that's the reason for that. I've only heard bitter-sounding comments about what I should do. :S

 

But yes I understand what you mean, and I appreciate that you resent this sort of behaviour in men as I do, but I should emphasize that he's NEVER blocked me. Sorry that you went through that, really. I was in a similar relationship before this guy, where mind-games were practically my life for almost two years, but this guy just doesn't tick that way, however cruel he was ignoring me. If he avoids someone, he just avoids. Not talking is not the same as blocking or mind playing. But I don't pretend to know his mind, and he's not off scott free.

 

We're in sh***y circumstances, and I agree he's been a right sod, he's not issue-free himself, but I do not want to cut contact if there is a chance we can at least be friends again.

As I just mentioned cutting ties would make me feel worse in the long run. I KNOW this because I've been in a vaguely similar situation and I was the one who told that guy to walk under a bus. If I'm ready to cut ties I do, but I'm not and I would like to salvage at least a friendship. That's that. I'm not some abused little housewife here.

 

Sorry, I always come across as defensive or aggressive that's just my manner, so I'll just quit replying after this.

 

Hopefully you won't follow this - because if you tend to get defensive or aggressive and know that -- here's a perfect opportunity to address that and try to make better decisions.

 

Last thing I'll say is that I'm very aware what this guy did was cruel, and he's not even begun to handle it.

 

Cruel yes. Unforgivable. And he hasn't even asked for forgiveness so how much do you think he really gets it? Do you think he respects you and cares about how you feel??

 

I'd sure like to give him a piece of my mind but admittedly, I'm reluctant for several reasons. So for now I'm simply letting him talk, that's all.

 

You won't because you are afraid of how he'll react. He could shut down again so now you will fret over upsetting him and will not communicate how you really feel or what you really think -- you are censoring yourself ALREADY. And with his stellar communication skills this is a relationship that is never going to work.

 

You deserve a full relationship. You deserve someone who respects you and adjusts for your needs as you would for them.

You KNOW this - but you are extremely willing to accept less from this guy that dropped you when you least needed it - that shut down and stopped all communication with you when you least needed that to happen.

 

What I wish you'd do is figure out why you would shove all of that aside just to get messages from him and why you still hope that you can reignite the romance here.

[sm0ked]

We lived 10 minutes apart but I didn't feel strongly about him before deportation hit. There was no drama before that either, in fact none until a month or so later. I did a similar thing to him ages before (we were just friends) by deleting him completely, for around 5 months. Long story short, he was pursuing me when I was dealing with an even more abominable guy at the time. So that was my need for space, I guess.

 

I agree my mixed signals thing was an issue. I can tell you read/skimmed the original thread. Problem back then was my over-focusing on the problems or negative thought patterns. I now have good understanding why those things are destructive. I know the faults I had, but wonder if he realises his, so far seems not.

 

Just to clarify, I did get that help and have definitely realised/approached my issues. I won't pour them out here however.

 

Not so much repressing feelings as not fall into either extreme. I'm aware what he did requires that he know how it affected me. Maybe I should have done this first. He did approach me about it first chat, but he was at work at the time and I do hate talking over IM about important things so I stopped him. Perhaps it is the fear thing of him fleeing again, but I'm not sure it's just that, maybe I'm trying not to make it all complicated, which is silly I agree, it is already complicated. Anyways, it will come up, I intend it to.

 

He's spoken to me a few times but I've not initiated contact just yet.

 

Setting the pace thing. My pace referred to how I respond, because as I say I know he must account for what he did. If he can't that then well he won't stick around to begin with, and the lack of apology isn't a surprise. He doesn't like being accountable for anything, or feeling like a schmuck. Owning up to it and showing regret and all would be... well... huge. His English is not amazing though, in the past he has admitted he finds it difficult doing the "poetic" -his words- talk thing. Mostly he's a laid back guy, hence why I've not been approaching this guns blazing.

 

He has done what you said he needed to do in the previous thread though, Island_Girl. He got in touch with me. You didn't call it abusive. :S But I agree his lack of apology or anything except a brief explanation, and how long he took, just doesn't quite cut it. So really if he won't talk about it, then things won't go anywhere anyway, and I'm reluctant to cut ties so soon, at least not until I figure some things out.

I would like to confront him though. There's just so much I want to say and it never comes out right. Plus I'm reluctant to let him know how much it did hurt me, but perhaps this is the same issue-y side where I failed to say things upfront. Maybe I should be open about it.

 

As you said you expect him to set the pace. And you are going along with that - not holding him accountable - letting it just pass until when? Until HE decides to broach the subject? Then what will you say? Will you say what you truly feel? I don't think so. You will not be confrontational - you will not emphatically state your opinion about this or anything else because you will be worried about him retreating again.

This is what I meant when I say my own handling of the situation. I want to be able to state clearly what I feel needs to be said. He is accountable, this is what I'm wondering how to approach. You're right he has sucked at communicating, and I don't intend to let it pass whether he's man enough to "own up" or not.

 

As for what I'm willing to accept, like I say it's not on the horizon. Maybe it was silly making this thread to begin with. I've rambled enough. Don't worry I'll approach him about the whole thing soon.

[Rollercoasterr]

You know what? I really don't think you'll ever confront him about it, because you're afraid. You're too afraid that he'll run away again and you're too afraid of what he might say his true reasonings are. For whatever reason, this guy has some wacky hold on you and it's making you defensive and act this way to people who are only trying to let you see what we see. It's so hard to understand the full spectrum of things if you don't pull yourself out of it and look at that view too. You're refusing to do that.

 

What would you tell your very best friend if she were in the same situation as you? 9/10 of the people who gets asked this question will not answer honestly. They'd give the answer that they'd tell her to see where it takes her, to give him a chance. But if this were to ever ACTUALLY happen to your best friend you'd fly over the moon and chop off his most manly possessions for ever contacting her again.

 

I just truly wonder what it is about scumbags that make women so googly eyed and willing to do stupid things for them. Yeah, Mathew and I have had our problems with the past, but the past is not the past. We talk about it often. He apologized. I wont let it slip away. He knows it STILL hurts and I'm not afraid to tell him that sometimes I want to rip off his head and shove it up his ass. That's the difference in what most people do, and what you're doing. You're doing NOTHING. You're lying back and you're taking it like it's the best meal you've ever had. If he were to tell you that he loved you today, visited you tomorrow, and said he wanted to live happily ever after with you the day after that then I bet you'd never bring up this situation to him again. EVER. You're being a doormat, honey. And you don't need to be, or deserve to be. You've never even met the guy and he's abusing you like this. That's the worst part about it.

[sm0ked]

I need to confront him about it. Think I mentioned the guy before this one, his behaviour was worse, and that I confronted him (knowing the result) and he bailed as expected. So yeah the fear is there, but my logic is as stubborn as I have been. I know that if confronting him makes him run then he'll never stick around to begin with. I know this. I know it's necessary.

 

Maybe I'm just wondering how and what to say. I have a list in my head so that'll need to be said. Part of me is surprised he hasn't done more by way of apology, another sort of expected he'd be casual to begin with. He was that way after I'd unblocked him after months that one time, long ago. Just his laid back nature maybe.

 

What I'd tell my best friend in the same situation, honestly not sure.

 

I like what you say about not letting the past rest easily. Thing is, at the moment like I said we've not spoken much for long (mostly he's been at work) and I'm sure as hell not considering that whole "space" thing as being a break of any kind, if that's what he meant. I think he intended not to talk and changed his mind for whatever reason, but who knows. But there's to be no paving over it. Oh lord, I'd not even accept it if he told me he'd missed me, I'd rip his face off if he said that.

 

You're right I should be more myself and not just let him be so casual as though nothing happened.

Just seemed like a good start is all, I wanted to get a lay of the land i.e. wtf is he thinking or expecting. I'm thinking up an approach.

[TMichaels]

Just seemed like a good start is all, I wanted to get a lay of the land i.e. wtf is he thinking or expecting. I'm thinking up an approach.

 

The old adage: "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink" was never more appropriate.

 

Good luck to you, sm0ked. You're gonna need it.

 

<shaking head>

 

Out of curiousity, instead of coming to an anonymous forum to justify your plan, why aren't you talking to whatever professional you claim to have consulted during the past six months who "helped you realise/approach your issues" to help you sort through *this*?

 

He/she certainly would have a much more qualified opinion and be in a better position to help you. That is, unless you already know what he/she would say and you'd prefer to ignore that advice as well...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[sm0ked]

They don't advise. She made it clear that "they" cannot tell you what to do, I quote "You know what's right for you so we don't do that".

 

I've clarified why I was posting here, because I already knew what I was going to do in speaking to him, but wondered if anyone had thoughts on the issues I've mentioned. I've gotten good feedback, and know now I need to confront him on certain points made. If he flees then well, that'd happen sooner or later if that's the case. At least I'm not being walked over either way, right?

 

Anyways. I've reiterated that I'm not about to let things slide and that I am going to approach the subject with him if he doesn't. I was just going with the flow, but the issues must be dealt with and he no doubt knows this will be needed. It's not the sort of thing he approaches instantly, but the casual is somewhat annoying considering everything.

 

And I'm also aware how some people will think me mad, childish or even stupid for talking to him again. I know where you're coming from but like I say, I can be angry as hell at him and still want him in my life, but I'm not rolling over.

 

Guess that's that. This is all kinda confusing since it conflicts with previous feedback. I'm taking things on board and adopting what makes sense to me.

 

This can be locked or something anyway. Thanks for those who took time to answer. Can't keep repeating myself here or put the entire thing across with words alone.

[hoping2heal]

I need to confront him about it. Think I mentioned the guy before this one, his behaviour was worse, and that I confronted him (knowing the result) and he bailed as expected. So yeah the fear is there, but my logic is as stubborn as I have been. I know that if confronting him makes him run then he'll never stick around to begin with. I know this. I know it's necessary.

 

So, there was a man who was treating you badly, you called him out on it and let him know he can't mistreat you any longer, instead of working on changing his behavior, he decides to bail. So, what are you afraid of there? Are you afraid of someone NOT sticking around to mistreat and abuse you? Newsflash, anyone who would rather walk away than clean up their act does not care about you at least not beyond a hill of beans, never did, and was NEVER planning to treat you the way you NEED to be treated. The fact that you put his balls in the clutch and he bailed was a positive thing, because it weeded out a mistreating, abuser from your life who NEVER had ANY intention of changing.

 

 

Maybe I'm just wondering how and what to say. I have a list in my head so that'll need to be said. Part of me is surprised he hasn't done more by way of apology, another sort of expected he'd be casual to begin with. He was that way after I'd unblocked him after months that one time, long ago. Just his laid back nature maybe.

 

You tell him, look I'm not sure if you're after friendship here or something more, but even if you only want my friendship what you did was wrong and you can either own up to it or stay out of my life, and if you start acting your old ways again and mistreating me, I don't need or want a friend like that let alone a lover. I'm not going to tolerate being someone's toilet seat any longer.

 

Laid back nature has nothing to do with it, you don't royally f*ck someone's head over and then come back skipping through the daisies like everything is fine and nothing needs to be addressed in how you treated that person simply because "hey! he's laid back!"

 

What I'd tell my best friend in the same situation, honestly not sure.

 

Well if you cared anything about her you would not allow her to let some man throw her moldy table scraps while she goes on thinking he's the king of english. You would not stand for her being mistreated and abused and treated with no dignity. It would anger and infuriate and frustrate you that someone could do that to your friend.

 

I like what you say about not letting the past rest easily. Thing is, at the moment like I said we've not spoken much for long (mostly he's been at work) and I'm sure as hell not considering that whole "space" thing as being a break of any kind, if that's what he meant. I think he intended not to talk and changed his mind for whatever reason, but who knows. But there's to be no paving over it. Oh lord, I'd not even accept it if he told me he'd missed me, I'd rip his face off if he said that.

 

You're right I should be more myself and not just let him be so casual as though nothing happened.

 

You are right about that, listen if I'm in your life and one day you happen to shoot me point blank, the next time you see me you had BETTER be apologizing your ASS off if you even want me to consider, CONSDERING talking to you ever again. This man hurt you and he owed you an apology LONG ago, the fact he has failed to do so shows you how little he values you as a person and your contribution to his life.

 

Just seemed like a good start is all, I wanted to get a lay of the land i.e. wtf is he thinking or expecting. I'm thinking up an approach.

 

You shouldn't have to think up an approach, he should of come up with that on his own if he was ANY kind of man worth having in your life as a friend or otherwise. I think you need to face the possibility you are just placating and delaying the obvious. But I tell you what, if you confront him and he starts shaping up, not just saying no; actually consistently doing it and treating you well? Then you will have what you want. If he doesn't? Then just like the first bozo he never was planning too and any time you spend extending the inevitable would be a waste of time anyhow.