Look who's back

[sm0ked]

So, there was a man who was treating you badly, you called him out on it and let him know he can't mistreat you any longer, instead of working on changing his behavior, he decides to bail. So, what are you afraid of there? Are you afraid of someone NOT sticking around to mistreat and abuse you? Newsflash, anyone who would rather walk away than clean up their act does not care about you at least not beyond a hill of beans, never did, and was NEVER planning to treat you the way you NEED to be treated. The fact that you put his balls in the clutch and he bailed was a positive thing, because it weeded out a mistreating, abuser from your life who NEVER had ANY intention of changing.

You mean the guy before this one? Was pointing out that I understand guys who bail are sometimes inevitably going to do so. It felt good to axe him too, I was happy he was out of my life and he even tried to apologise a year later. Creep. Anyway, I assure you this guy and that guy aren't the same, silence thing aside I do think this guy cares/cared for me, but as I say I'm not about to let what he did slide and I'm aware it is a big deal. Still can't believe he's not apologised or anything. Don't even know what he wants, he just asked if I wanted to talk or not.

 

I like your example of things to say, that's good, thanks.

 

Yeah it should be him confronting things. Like I said he did try to explain himself but I was more irked by his initial message where he stated stuff like how if he was going to never speak to me again then he'd completely have cut ties from me, or how if I (ME wtf) wanted to talk then I knew how to find him. Then again I wrote that last line in an email a month ago, one I never sent. But him calling it "space" is also irritating because it's not true.

 

You're right though, the email and things said so far just do not cut it. Maybe he's not dealing with it because I've been too nice.

[hoping2heal]

You mean the guy before this one? Was pointing out that I understand guys who bail are sometimes inevitably going to do so. It felt good to axe him too, I was happy he was out of my life and he even tried to apologise a year later. Creep.

 

In your previous post you said the reason you were scared to approach the current guy, was because when you asserted yourself with a different guy, he bailed. "So the fear is there" you said. Now you're saying you were glad this guy was out of your life anyway?

 

Anyway, I assure you this guy and that guy aren't the same, silence thing aside I do think this guy cares/cared for me, but as I say I'm not about to let what he did slide and I'm aware it is a big deal. Still can't believe he's not apologised or anything. Don't even know what he wants, he just asked if I wanted to talk or not.

 

I don't doubt these two men aren't the same guy. As for wether he cares for you or not, confront him and his reaction and response that day and in all the days following will unmistakably tell you how he feels for you.

 

I like your example of things to say, that's good, thanks.

 

Yeah it should be him confronting things. Like I said he did try to explain himself but I was more irked by his initial message where he stated stuff like how if he was going to never speak to me again then he'd completely have cut ties from me, or how if I (ME wtf) wanted to talk then I knew how to find him. Then again I wrote that last line in an email a month ago, one I never sent. But him calling it "space" is also irritating because it's not true.

 

That's right, and lying to you is insulting your intelligence and showing disrespect for you in one foul swoop.

 

You're right though, the email and things said so far just do not cut it. Maybe he's not dealing with it because I've been too nice.

 

COuld be, either way you'll find out if he really cares when you confront him and IF he apologises and IF in the days that follow, he consistently begins to treat you with respect, honesty and kindness.

[sm0ked]

Yes, it felt good because he was behaving in the extreme of this guy. e.g. He'd bail then I'd hear from him a week or month+ later and he'd be dating someone or chasing some new girl. I just snapped and quite purposely repelled him. This is what I meant when I said I can pull the plug. This guy hasn't quite touched the last guy's scale, but his excuses and odd behaviour is out of character so I suppose I'll soon see if that's just how he was all along beneath the surface of chasing me.

 

Thanks, what you say makes a lot of sense. :] I will be confronting him very soon by replying to that first message. Think I'll use and adapt a few of the interesting things that got said in this thread.

[sm0ked]

He'd been talking to me regularly these past couple of weeks. I thought things looked alright...

 

Last night, I did confront him, only after he was so kind as to let me see he was in a new relationship over there through his Facebook picture and relationship status.

 

Convo...

 

 

Me: why did you start talking to me again?

Him: because it was not my intention to completely blank you out forever

Him: was i not supposed to talk to you again? i'll ask you this again like i did when i talked to you again this time... do you want me to disappear?

Me: No I don't, but you showed up saying "talk if you want" instead of saying what you want

Him: eh?

Me: "if you're still good to talk" and "I'll just disappear if that's what you want"

Him: i asked if it's a good time to talk because your msn name says 'god i am so sick of everyone'

Me: put simply without poetic crud, you left things for 6 months and now you return which great, but I find out you're seeing someone through FB

Him: if you're being hostile to me. it's also not my intention to make things worse. so if you want me to go. i'll make it easy

Me: I'm not trying to be hostile

Me: and I've said several times I don't want you to go

Him: so if you dont want me to disappear, please dont be hostile. i find it quite aggressive and i'm also not here to wave the gf card infront of you to rub it in

Him: i just thought you could understand that i want someone close to me physically as well... i've had my fair share of long distances and with me not knowing how long i'd take to get back to england... you'll be waiting indefinately and it wont be fair on you too

Me: sec

Me: it's ironic that the day you stopped talking to me I got my passport application really

Me: but hey. If I weren't such a sucker for feelings. but not much to be done if that's how you feel, and if you felt the same you'd not be with her. I know this

Him: i dont know what you want me to say, you werent up for meeting up all that time. you didnt even have a passport or it expired or whatever... didnt tell me anything about that

Me: I know how I was being at the time. 6 months gives you time to realise crud

Him: so why are you saying if that's how you feel you'd not be with her?

Me: I meant if you felt strong as I did you'd not be with her, but I suppose 6 months of silence should have given me a clue. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it. not your problem

Me: just would have been nice to have been told that. or gotten better closure if you lost interest

Him: sec

Him: well i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking. you should know too but you ended up pushing me away. what was i supposed to do or think?

Him: and those 6months ago, if we spoke of anything related to me and you, it mostly ended up with arguments or some sort of bollocks

Me: I know how I was acting.

Him: so why do you keep saying if i felt strong or whatever i wont be with her?

Me: What I mean (try without my usual bs since I'm too held back I suppose) is that when you feel strongly for someone, or at least when I do, other people don't come close to that feeling

Me: but hold on a sec. Didn't get what you meant in your "wwell i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking."

Me: and I've apologised before for pushing you away. putting my heart out on my sleeve here, perhaps a bit ghey-ly, I needed to see someone 'cause of past stuff.

Him: i've told you for over a year i liked you and if you dont think that was strong enough without getting **** all

Him: what is?

Me: No I follow that, what I'm asking if the part about six months talking. Are you saying you still feel that way?

Me: and FTR: I know those ranty things I did were retarded as hell. x_x

Him: no i dont feel like i did before sorry. not something you want to know i can understand but you should also know i'm the type that once i've made my mind up i'm sticking to it

Him: spoken to some of my friends... she told me after all this time i've given myself and you enough chances to work things out but it really didnt to be fair

Me: How could it with the distance? **** we got a bad deal.

Him: and if you're telling me about the whole passport thing now, i dont know if it's a wise idea to take that risk. for both of us... what if we did get together when you came to visit and then broke up after? you'd be in a new world of messed up and what about me? i dont think i'd be in the position to say i feel good about dropping someone in an emotional rollercoaster 5k+ miles away from home

Me: I'd not take that risk purely because you're said you don't feel the same now. I guess it's just tough thinking all that chance we had and the deportation thing made things hard for us, and just all that time for me to fall for you and the opposite happened for you.

Me: oh this wine's too good.

Him: dont drink crazy because of me

Him: look... lets be frank... if you're upset about this i can totally understand but i dont wanna see or hear you drinking yourself crazy. i was helping you through when you got hurt by that other kid and i know you didnt go through a nice experience

Him: i'd like to be able to tell myself i'm a nice guy, but i'm not sure if that's the case from your perspective anymore. although if you can accept things didnt work out between us and stay friends i will really appreciate it and i'd also respect your decision if you choose not to because you feel so strong you want me as somebody more than just a friend

Him: afk again

Me: *frank too for a sec* I just often think think nice guys would let someone sit for 6 months like that, then not even talk things out once they decided to get back in touch, or even remotely apologise. I accept things didn't work out, and it's not like I'm keen for you to disappear like that. I don't want you out of my life but those 6 months didn't seem to bother you. Now I'm just dealing with all that stupid feeling and stupid hope and this stupid wine

Him: look if you gave me the time and the chance to say it i would have. just because i didnt bring it up it doesnt mean i didnt think of apologising for disappearing. i really needed that space to go away and relax and cool off. we argued way too often back then... even if i did come back and apologise and tell you everything

Him: how does hi, sorry for not talking for 6months and i'm back now

Him: by the way i have a gf now and i think she's amazing?

Him: how does that sound? i dont wanna rub it in and this is the second time i mentioned her since we spoke

Him: first time was earlier tonight

Him: or this afternoon for you

Me: I'm sorry. I really did fall for you, and we really did get a rough hand deals. I'll say it now since I'm about to do what it's felt like you wanted to do for 6 months or so leaving me in the dark like, because loving someone and watching them love someone else is enough to make people go crazy. Think I already have done hoping on you and exvcusing you for ripping me apart like that. So that's it said. I do love you, as much possible in circumstances, but I don't think you really "get" what you did and how you didn't handle things well yourself. So hearing you make out that you care about me when you treated me that way... and how you think this girl is amazing when you spat on me like that for being in as much difficulty as you with the deportation. Just... I can't handle it. again. Love you, wish things were as they were but I'm not quite able to switch off like that. Maybe I need time. -_-

 

 

After that, I blocked him on MSN (not delete), deleted him on all his Facebook accounts because I do not want to see him and her. Jesus.

 

Later on that night his MSN name said "bollocks to it all". He'd removed me on there, so I suppose that's that. Didn't wait for a response, not like it'd be anything I want to hear. He's made his choice when he got with someone else. I got so angry at the last things he said, and the whole mixed messages of "strongly" yet not wanting anything. Duh... he'd not be with someone else if he wanted to invest in us. -_- So confused.

 

Obviously now I'm in a state but I am so mad at him for coming back if he's already decided he doesn't want to reconcile. Can't deal with hearing about other girls and the way he's done all this is pretty sick. -_____-

 

Feel like such a fool, and still miss him so much but he's obviously done with the idea of us. I'm wrecked. Feel sick and angry and hurt and god knows what else. What a mess.

[hoping2heal]

He'd been talking to me regularly these past couple of weeks. I thought things looked alright...

 

Last night, I did confront him, only after he was so kind as to let me see he was in a new relationship over there through his Facebook picture and relationship status.

 

Convo...

 

 

Me: why did you start talking to me again?

Him: because it was not my intention to completely blank you out forever

Him: was i not supposed to talk to you again? i'll ask you this again like i did when i talked to you again this time... do you want me to disappear?

Me: No I don't, but you showed up saying "talk if you want" instead of saying what you want

Him: eh?

Me: "if you're still good to talk" and "I'll just disappear if that's what you want"

Him: i asked if it's a good time to talk because your msn name says 'god i am so sick of everyone'

Me: put simply without poetic crud, you left things for 6 months and now you return which great, but I find out you're seeing someone through FB

Him: if you're being hostile to me. it's also not my intention to make things worse. so if you want me to go. i'll make it easy

Me: I'm not trying to be hostile

Me: and I've said several times I don't want you to go

Him: so if you dont want me to disappear, please dont be hostile. i find it quite aggressive and i'm also not here to wave the gf card infront of you to rub it in

Him: i just thought you could understand that i want someone close to me physically as well... i've had my fair share of long distances and with me not knowing how long i'd take to get back to england... you'll be waiting indefinately and it wont be fair on you too

Me: sec

Me: it's ironic that the day you stopped talking to me I got my passport application really

Me: but hey. If I weren't such a sucker for feelings. but not much to be done if that's how you feel, and if you felt the same you'd not be with her. I know this

Him: i dont know what you want me to say, you werent up for meeting up all that time. you didnt even have a passport or it expired or whatever... didnt tell me anything about that

Me: I know how I was being at the time. 6 months gives you time to realise crud

Him: so why are you saying if that's how you feel you'd not be with her?

Me: I meant if you felt strong as I did you'd not be with her, but I suppose 6 months of silence should have given me a clue. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it. not your problem

Me: just would have been nice to have been told that. or gotten better closure if you lost interest

Him: sec

Him: well i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking. you should know too but you ended up pushing me away. what was i supposed to do or think?

Him: and those 6months ago, if we spoke of anything related to me and you, it mostly ended up with arguments or some sort of bollocks

Me: I know how I was acting.

Him: so why do you keep saying if i felt strong or whatever i wont be with her?

Me: What I mean (try without my usual bs since I'm too held back I suppose) is that when you feel strongly for someone, or at least when I do, other people don't come close to that feeling

Me: but hold on a sec. Didn't get what you meant in your "wwell i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking."

Me: and I've apologised before for pushing you away. putting my heart out on my sleeve here, perhaps a bit ghey-ly, I needed to see someone 'cause of past stuff.

Him: i've told you for over a year i liked you and if you dont think that was strong enough without getting **** all

Him: what is?

Me: No I follow that, what I'm asking if the part about six months talking. Are you saying you still feel that way?

Me: and FTR: I know those ranty things I did were retarded as hell. x_x

Him: no i dont feel like i did before sorry. not something you want to know i can understand but you should also know i'm the type that once i've made my mind up i'm sticking to it

Him: spoken to some of my friends... she told me after all this time i've given myself and you enough chances to work things out but it really didnt to be fair

Me: How could it with the distance? **** we got a bad deal.

Him: and if you're telling me about the whole passport thing now, i dont know if it's a wise idea to take that risk. for both of us... what if we did get together when you came to visit and then broke up after? you'd be in a new world of messed up and what about me? i dont think i'd be in the position to say i feel good about dropping someone in an emotional rollercoaster 5k+ miles away from home

Me: I'd not take that risk purely because you're said you don't feel the same now. I guess it's just tough thinking all that chance we had and the deportation thing made things hard for us, and just all that time for me to fall for you and the opposite happened for you.

Me: oh this wine's too good.

Him: dont drink crazy because of me

Him: look... lets be frank... if you're upset about this i can totally understand but i dont wanna see or hear you drinking yourself crazy. i was helping you through when you got hurt by that other kid and i know you didnt go through a nice experience

Him: i'd like to be able to tell myself i'm a nice guy, but i'm not sure if that's the case from your perspective anymore. although if you can accept things didnt work out between us and stay friends i will really appreciate it and i'd also respect your decision if you choose not to because you feel so strong you want me as somebody more than just a friend

Him: afk again

Me: *frank too for a sec* I just often think think nice guys would let someone sit for 6 months like that, then not even talk things out once they decided to get back in touch, or even remotely apologise. I accept things didn't work out, and it's not like I'm keen for you to disappear like that. I don't want you out of my life but those 6 months didn't seem to bother you. Now I'm just dealing with all that stupid feeling and stupid hope and this stupid wine

Him: look if you gave me the time and the chance to say it i would have. just because i didnt bring it up it doesnt mean i didnt think of apologising for disappearing. i really needed that space to go away and relax and cool off. we argued way too often back then... even if i did come back and apologise and tell you everything

Him: how does hi, sorry for not talking for 6months and i'm back now

Him: by the way i have a gf now and i think she's amazing?

Him: how does that sound? i dont wanna rub it in and this is the second time i mentioned her since we spoke

Him: first time was earlier tonight

Him: or this afternoon for you

Me: I'm sorry. I really did fall for you, and we really did get a rough hand deals. I'll say it now since I'm about to do what it's felt like you wanted to do for 6 months or so leaving me in the dark like, because loving someone and watching them love someone else is enough to make people go crazy. Think I already have done hoping on you and exvcusing you for ripping me apart like that. So that's it said. I do love you, as much possible in circumstances, but I don't think you really "get" what you did and how you didn't handle things well yourself. So hearing you make out that you care about me when you treated me that way... and how you think this girl is amazing when you spat on me like that for being in as much difficulty as you with the deportation. Just... I can't handle it. again. Love you, wish things were as they were but I'm not quite able to switch off like that. Maybe I need time. -_-

 

 

After that, I blocked him on MSN (not delete), deleted him on all his Facebook accounts because I do not want to see him and her. Jesus.

 

Later on that night his MSN name said "bollocks to it all". He'd removed me on there, so I suppose that's that. Didn't wait for a response, not like it'd be anything I want to hear. He's made his choice when he got with someone else. I got so angry at the last things he said, and the whole mixed messages of "strongly" yet not wanting anything. Duh... he'd not be with someone else if he wanted to invest in us. -_- So confused.

 

Obviously now I'm in a state but I am so mad at him for coming back if he's already decided he doesn't want to reconcile. Can't deal with hearing about other girls and the way he's done all this is pretty sick. -_____-

 

Feel like such a fool, and still miss him so much but he's obviously done with the idea of us. I'm wrecked. Feel sick and angry and hurt and god knows what else. What a mess.

 

Well at the very least you DID get closure now and you're no longer in Limbo. At least you got a good lesson out of this, and instead of pushing away someone you really want, you will be open with them. This guy said he was telling you he liked you for a whole year and you pushed him away. If you cared for someone for an entire year and constantly got rejected and turned down and they never wanted to meet with you, what would you do? Would you not move on? If anything, not that it was RIGHT to just dissapear for 6 mos. but it honestly sounds like he took that 6 mos. break to move on and clear his head from the confusion he was feeling after a year of stress and rejection and mixed signals from YOU. Either you wanted him and held back, or you didn't know you wanted him until he was gone and by the it was too late, either way it just wasn't meant to be with you two and now you can know that.