soooconfused Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 i posted this in the general forum but think it belongs better here.... Heres the deal, I have been married for 7 years and have one beautiful daughter. We have been separated since this past Feb. Right after we separated I went out and dated as many woman as I could. My wife did not, she didnt date anybody for a very long time. I have slept with 4 people since we have been separated. I found out that my wife slept with someone for the first time recently. We are both very confused as to whether or not we want to be together. Neither of us really want to get a divorce and admit that it will suck not having each other longterm, but we are afraid to go back to what we had because it was bad. My question is should I let the fact that she has slept with someone bother me and effect my decision. She says that sex is only sex and it is not a big deal, she is able to overlook the fact that i have slept with 4 woman. She says the most important thing to do is figure out what we want to do. Problem is one minute it drives me nuts knowing she slept with someone, the next minute i understand that we are not together and we are both living our own lives right now. Should this effect my decision towards wanting to work things out with her??? She is a big believer in fate. She knows I am seeing a new girl now and that it is moving quickly. I have told her that i am scared to death of losing her (wife) and am scared of death of getting serious with someone else. Her response is, dont be scared...trust fate....but at the end of the day the fact that she slept with someone eats me alive even though i am being told by other people that i cant consider that in my decision since i have slept with 4 people and since we are not together right now.....argghhhhhh Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I am not very good at relationship advice, but if your only problem with making a decision is the fact that she slept with someone when you were apart, then maybe you could try to look at it through your eyes. Think about how the fact that you slept with someone when you were apart, and how it had nothing to do with how you feel about your wife. Then assume that since you sleeping with someone else didn't effect your feelings for your wife, assume that her sleeping with someone didn't effect her feelings for you. Most likely, she was lonely, and her body needed to be with someone. Since you couldn't be there, she had no choice but to turn to someone else. In all probability, it probably wasn't a very hot, romantic experience for her. In fact, it was more than likely akward for both of them. The first time anyone sleeps together is usally an akward experience *it always was for me at least* They didn't know what each other wanted and needed, and I'm sure that she wasn't in love with this person, or it would've happened more than once. I know it's hard to get past some things. I quite OFTEN have different standards for myself than for my husband, because I know what I'm thinking, but I tend to assume the worst of everyone else. I'm sure you don't really want to know the details, and I'm sure she doesn't want to share them with you, but do your best to imagine them not having a wonderful experience together. Maybe if you quit imagining a glamorous view of them together, and look at the reality that it probably was a big fat way for her to releive some tension, you could probably forget all about it. It sounds like you think she is worth "getting over it" for Then again, I'm not good with relationship advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I would assume it would all depend on what 'boundaries', if any, were set when you decided to separate. Were you heading for a divorce or were you just giving each other some space to think. Very seldom is it an agreement to go out and boink anybody available. Since you pretty much took that route and it seems she took a little path of her own......it seems to me you are back at Square One. Now you have all the problems you started with....PLUS adding to it. You'll need to BOTH agree to forgive and forget......and maybe get some counseling for the problems which caused the separation in the first place. It seems to me....you wanted the separation just to sow some oats and depended on the fact she would just wait for you faithfully. Obviously, that's not what happened. So, if the marriage means anything to you....do what it takes to pull it back together. Step One: Drop your judgment. April is right.....what is past is past. It was JUST a one night stand in the middle of YOUR dating frenzy....which meant nothing emotionally. It's not worth giving up on your marriage over. Link to post Share on other sites
Faerie Princess Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 You say you slept with a number of people and that you are engaging in a relationship that might be focused on sharing more of you life than your sex life with one of them. She had sex with one person, and that wasn't oriented toward a relationship. And you want to know if you should be bothered. Should she? Look, my advice is, if you want to share your life with your wife, then do so. Work on making the relationship you have together as much fun and as enriching as it can be. I'm not saying you need to get back together, but you're always gonna have some interaction because of your child. Most people who have problems of any sort in their relationship don't share what's really going on with themselves with their spouses. They don't talk about the icky scary stuff, they get dissapointed because their spouse farts. You're not perfect. Neither is she. Loving the not perfect is what will help. I have a great marriage, and we have times when we don't see eye to eye, we fight, we don't like each other's behavior and so forth. But we continue to value each other, and bolster one another and work to really being kind to one another. We get through the icky parts. We allow for the farting. We talk about everything. We really share our lives with one another. Thats what makes it work. We do so joyfully and openly. Link to post Share on other sites
wiseOLDman Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Hee, Hee, Hee. You have got to be kidding me. Despite the fact that you've let Jack out of the box 4 times or so, you can't get past the fact that your estranged wife was with one guy. You can't be serious. I'd be curious to know if infidelity, on your part, played a part in your separation. But let's put the sex thing behind us. If you love your wife and she loves you, but you have issues and have not been able to deal with them yourselves, go see a councilor. I can see one major problem coming to the top in your post- you are dealing with the issues in a very emotional manner (scared to death) and your wife is dealing with them in a very "logical" manner (it's only sex, trust fate). This is a classic case of human miscommunication and will not be resolved until you can come to a common ground on how you can address the problems in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soooconfused Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 thank you all so much for the advice...seriously appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
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