scubagirl72 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 We started off as coworkers and over the past two years it has turned into a great friendship. He is in a fulfilling relationship and so am I. I really do consider him one of my best friends and we tell each other everything. It always seemed 'safe' because we are both romantically involved with other people. He is like the brother I never had. He is so kind and thoughtful, would share his lunch with me when he knew I was too busy to get or prepare my own... surprised me by changing my car's burnt out breaklight for me... would loan me CD's that he knew I would like... always very sweet. He is just that type of guy. I will admit that from the first time I met him I felt a 'spark'... like he was a kindred spirit. But I am also mature enough to know that a 'spark' can be a dangerous thing, especially when we are both involved in long term relationships. I used to tease him about having a huge crush on him and the humour actually eased the sexual tension I was feeling. Although when I was in close proximity to him I would feel it again. We had spoken about our relationship and he was very honest and said that he'd thought about going further with it but that it wasn't worth risking what we both already had and I agreed 100% with him. When we stopped working together I thought that I would slowly lose touch with him, but we have kept in contact and hang out fairly often. We have been very open with our partners and they are fully aware of our friendship. Now... here's the problem, we went out the other night, just the two of us, not an uncommon thing. But, I had quite a bit more to drink than I normally would. I'll admit that my memory of things is a little foggy but I do know that we kissed in a more than 'friendly' way. I spoke to him the next day and we agreed that it was better to not ever say anything to our partners about it and that we will never, ever let anything like that happen again. It would just open up an enormous, ugly can of worms. I'm afraid that we may have destroyed the platonic friendship we had and I just hope that we can get passed this and go back to what we had before. I do love him dearly and would hate to not have him be a part of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnP82 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Call me crazy, but shouldn't you be more concerned with the fact that you cheated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 Guess you have a point there... Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Scuba, You should know that after something like this, you will not ever be able to go back to being just friends, it will always be there, an unspoken issue. You both cheated on your respective partners, and if you are an honest person, you should let your partner know. If you are committed to your partner, you need to come clean, and let him decide whether or not you and your"friend", should have any contact. You have two decisions to make, 1) to tell your BF or not and 2) how committed are you to your BF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 I don't think telling the BF helps the situation. We've been together for over ten years and this is the first time anything like this has ever happened. All telling him would do is ease my guilt and hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnP82 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 ....and give him the change to decide if he wants to stay with you. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Scuba, How is continuing a lie, a good thing? The idea that telling the truth is better for the person, cheated on, is just a cop-out to keep from having to face the truth and tell it. I did something very similar once. My GF was out-of-town, and I made out with her roomate. It never happened again, but it was always there between us, until my GF noticed and asked about it. I could have lied, like you are doing, but I had too much love and respect for my GF. I was not going to add another lie on top of my cheating. It hurt her, yes, but it showed that I was being an honest man, and how remorseful I was, she forgave me , but insisted that we move away from the roomate. You can take the high road or live a lie, your choice. JMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 I totally see what you're both saying... maybe I should give a little more info... I have told my BF, on a number of occasions, that if he had a drunken, one time infidelity I wouldn't want to know about it. If it was any more than that, then of course I would want to know. Let him deal with his guilt, and for me, ignorance is bliss. He has also told me that if he were to ever find out that I cheated that it would be over for ever and (now please understand that he didn't mean this literally) that he woudl kill me and the guy. Although I do know that he would probably have a good go at the guy the next time he saw him! This was a very silly thing for me to have done, my memory is foggy enough that I don't know how it started, just know that I stopped it as soon as I became aware that it was happening. Now thinking that this 'friendship' is too risky to try to salvage. My 10 year commitment isn't worth losing. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Scuba, This is not about you, your guilt or your friend, this is about cheating and being an honest person. So, if you "give up", your friend, will that assuage your guilt? Will that be your "punishment", for living a lie? You may not want to know about a ONS, but that's not your BF, is it? You can't project your own wishes onto him. This is going to f**k up your relationship, as much or more than if you just own up to it. You didn't have sex, so your BF should be able to handle a one-time indescretion. Clear the air, be honest, and things will work out. Dump the friend, he is no friend, at all, to you, his GF or your BF. Link to post Share on other sites
davidscott Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Scuba - I wandered onto this forum somehow and registered just to reply to your post. No matter what anyone tells you do not tell your BF - partner whatever about this incident. I disagree that kissing your friend is "cheating"...certainly it's not good but it falls short of cheating. It would be supremely selfish of you to tell your BF this. It would hurt him, hurt you, hurt your relationship, etc...Honesty isn't about revealing every sin or everything you've ever done wrong to your partner. Being honest means that every word that passes your lips is true. It has nothing to do with revealing every misstep or every wrongdoing to your partner. What you need to do is cut off that relationship with your friend because obviously it is more than a friendship...and it threatens your committment to your partner. If you want to remain faithful to your partner then you should avoid these sort of "friendships". There isn't any nobility in revealing an unknown incident to a spouse/partner for the sake of "coming clean"...that is a selfish reaction to your own guilt and you must ignore that feeling. Just learn from it and move on. No harm no foul. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 We started off as coworkers and over the past two years it has turned into a great friendship. He is in a fulfilling relationship and so am I. I really do consider him one of my best friends and we tell each other everything. It always seemed 'safe' because we are both romantically involved with other people. He is like the brother I never had. He is so kind and thoughtful, would share his lunch with me when he knew I was too busy to get or prepare my own... surprised me by changing my car's burnt out breaklight for me... would loan me CD's that he knew I would like... always very sweet. He is just that type of guy. I will admit that from the first time I met him I felt a 'spark'... like he was a kindred spirit. But I am also mature enough to know that a 'spark' can be a dangerous thing, especially when we are both involved in long term relationships. I used to tease him about having a huge crush on him and the humour actually eased the sexual tension I was feeling. Although when I was in close proximity to him I would feel it again. We had spoken about our relationship and he was very honest and said that he'd thought about going further with it but that it wasn't worth risking what we both already had and I agreed 100% with him. When we stopped working together I thought that I would slowly lose touch with him, but we have kept in contact and hang out fairly often. We have been very open with our partners and they are fully aware of our friendship. Now... here's the problem, we went out the other night, just the two of us, not an uncommon thing. But, I had quite a bit more to drink than I normally would. I'll admit that my memory of things is a little foggy but I do know that we kissed in a more than 'friendly' way. I spoke to him the next day and we agreed that it was better to not ever say anything to our partners about it and that we will never, ever let anything like that happen again. It would just open up an enormous, ugly can of worms. I'm afraid that we may have destroyed the platonic friendship we had and I just hope that we can get passed this and go back to what we had before. I do love him dearly and would hate to not have him be a part of my life. Nah, you both sound like mature, open and honest adults. You'll be fine. Talk about it and move on. One of my friends and I once kinda started hooking up when drunk. She kept saying "I don't wanna ruin it..." (the friendship) Things were awkward for a short while but now we're both in relationships and it's not a big deal at all. She's a great friend and offers good relationship advice. Sometimes a spark is what makes the friendship so great in the first place. It doesn't HAVE to be physical. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Scuba - I wandered onto this forum somehow and registered just to reply to your post. No matter what anyone tells you do not tell your BF - partner whatever about this incident. I disagree that kissing your friend is "cheating"...certainly it's not good but it falls short of cheating. It would be supremely selfish of you to tell your BF this. It would hurt him, hurt you, hurt your relationship, etc...Honesty isn't about revealing every sin or everything you've ever done wrong to your partner. Being honest means that every word that passes your lips is true. It has nothing to do with revealing every misstep or every wrongdoing to your partner. What you need to do is cut off that relationship with your friend because obviously it is more than a friendship...and it threatens your committment to your partner. If you want to remain faithful to your partner then you should avoid these sort of "friendships". There isn't any nobility in revealing an unknown incident to a spouse/partner for the sake of "coming clean"...that is a selfish reaction to your own guilt and you must ignore that feeling. Just learn from it and move on. No harm no foul. Good luck. Wow. I'm pretty speechless about this. Dave, I don't say this to be mean or an azz, but dude, you have alot to learn about honesty and character. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Wow, the OP comes across as incredibly selfish. First it was about how to make the friendship go back to "normal". - Where they are both crushing on each other, but barely restraining Then, when someone points out she cheated, she almost does a "lol, oh yeah". - Seemed too focused on herself to realize it. Then, focuses on what's the best way for her not to lose her boyfriend. - Rather than respecting her boyfriend enough to tell the truth. Wouldn't want to be that poor guy. Link to post Share on other sites
whiteberry Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 As you've said both of you are in relationship with someone else. I think that is enough reason for you to minimize your closeness. You're old enough to know what is wrong and what is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 i read this a different way.. it sucks that you cheated or whatever.. but it sounds like you and your friend should consider breaking up with current gf and bf and get together. i mean, your heart is telling you something. even if you two don't get together, it should really tell you something about your current relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Nice to hear all the different opinions... takes all kinds to keep the world interesting. Thank you davidscott for registering just to respond. All views are valuable and cause for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 i read this a different way.. it sucks that you cheated or whatever.. but it sounds like you and your friend should consider breaking up with current gf and bf and get together. i mean, your heart is telling you something. even if you two don't get together, it should really tell you something about your current relationship. Dude has a solid point with this. Have you ever watched "When Harry Met Sally?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Yep... friends can make great lovers. I guess it comes down to what a relationship is all about. There are always compromises to be made, just what do you compromise? Current relationshhip... dependable, reliable, similar economic goals and values, time investment. But no 'spark'. Do you give that up in the hopes of something that may or may not be 'love'? A current 'spark' that may never develop into a flame? And geez, what if the friend doesn't feel the same way... what if they don't want to give up what they have? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Davidscott, I completely disagree. While it is true that your partner doesn't need to know of every indiscretion, you should be willing to TELL your partner, if he/she inquires. Keeping secrets, is the one sure way of destroying a relationship. Op, while you hope that your Cheating (and it is cheating, if you wouldn't do it in front of your so) won't be found out, You can't build your future on it. What happens, if you or him, get drunk and let it slip to another friend or relative? Or what if he and his GF get into an argument and he says something about it? I know that these things MIGHT not happen. But can you be sure? You seem like a good person, Scuba, do the honest thing, tell your BF. It was only kissing, I'm sure you might take a little flack, but your honesty and remorse will go a long way to repairing his feelings. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 So many relationships end in divorce... is it because people have unreasonable expectations? Maybe comfortable is enough... Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Scuba, if you have no "spark", you need to leave, because you will eventually run into someone , who has that spark, and you will have far more serious issues than a little kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 I'm curious, after 10 years is it reasonable to still expect to have the 'spark'? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Reasonable? Debatable. However, that 'spark' in the early stages of the R should be the impetus to a deeper emotional and spiritual bond that will perhaps feel completely differently but be just as valued and valuable at 5/10/20/50 years as during the honeymoon period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scubagirl72 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 That is a great way to look at it. Even more to consider... Link to post Share on other sites
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